parents living the high life

[nearlyemptynes]

Now I know we make our choices in life and we live with them. I have 3 children and have supported the eldest through uni and would do the same for the other two if that's what they want. I see this as our responsibility as parents. I have friends who have not supported their kids, haven't encouraged open days etc then when they kids don't go they have wonderful foreign holidays etc after saying they couldn't afford to send their kids to uni. AIBU to think they have their priorities wrong?

“Don’t be hard on your mum, it’s her first and only experience of life too”

I heard this a while back and it really hit me hard. I am a mum and would do anything for DC, but when I think of my parents now I think Hell yes they absolutely deserve to enjoy themselves, their own time, their own money. It’s their life too. They have hopes and dreams and plans. They gave up so much to support me. I encourage them all the time to get out and explore the world and enjoy hobbies. I don’t make any demands on childcare and never ask for money etc. I want them to spend all my ‘inheritance’ having a wonderful time. And whilst I would give my last penny to my DC and my last breath, I hope one day they have the same attitude towards me as I now do for my parents.

Being a parent doesn’t mean you’re dead inside. And if people want to enjoy themselves that’s up to them. Also, you don’t know the ins and outs of every child-parent relationship, of every financial situation. So I would say keep your beak to yourself.

Also, at university I got a student loan and a job, like most of my friends.

Thats more than reasonable.

What do you mean by this? I’m not a Boomer either but I’m not sure of the reason for your comment. It’s a pointless, nasty, ageist shot in the dark as far as I can make out.

Yet you can't list any.

I didn't only say "university" is the only way to a stable, comfortable life. A few people are lucky enough to be able to take advantage of free/affordable training available from the military and other employers/institutions. There is training available outside universities. The key point though is that some kind of training is a basic requirement for a job that pays above minimum wage and training usually costs.

I'm British but spent years abroad in various places. The UK is the only country I know of where people set out to diminish kids' chances by discouraging them from training/education. For decades it was dumping on education. Now it's what you're saying. I grew up in a town where most people didn't have a hope of getting any kind of training/further education and saw what hard lives they had. It's certainly possible to waste money and time on a university education, but that doesn't mean we should be discouraging kids from university (or any other professional training).

Maybe so but it's also a demonstration that attitudes have changed and we no longer have to let comments like that slide and be the norm.

My dc have 3 local universities they can attend and still live at home. So I'll be supporting in terms of fees, and a free place to live, but if they decide to move away to university, they will need to sort living costs for that move.

So yes, I probably could still take the odd holiday whilst my dc either don't go to uni/go to a local uni/fund their own living costs at an away uni.

Funding living costs for 3 years, plus fees, is no small matter. Way more expensive than an annual holiday.

Touché 😜

We don't need a guess for you - confirmed 'idiot' if you think everyone with this mindset is a boomer.

I know a few parents who said their DC had to go to a local Uni
I don’t judge them as such,but do find it odd
Our all wanted to go away and we were happy to support that

A holiday is a few thousand.

Uni is around 60k.

There is a vast difference.

We couldn't afford to send our kids to uni. They took the loans and got jobs, like the kids of many people.

You're not a better person because you paid for them to go.

Yes, I think it's a bit sad that parents wouldn't want to support their children to follow whatever their dreams are, or at least to help them have time to explore those interests. But would gladly spend money on big ticket holidays.

It's not about uni or no uni, but the reality is that going to uni is potentially prohibitively expensive for many. It's probably the most expensive form of training or education someone could undertake, but it would be no different if parents refused to support their children in any other pursuit: vocational training, work experience, travel and volunteering, setting up a small business, etc. if they could afford it. I know someone who trained as a professional stunt person for film/tv (which if you don't know anything about it, is an incredibly challenging training programme that takes years and years), and his parents supported him as much as they could. I know others who did a year of travel mixed with working/volunteering on farms and in forestry because they had an interest in conservation. Their parents supported them as much as they could. Support, obviously, doesn't mean 'pay for it all' though. It means exactly like it sounds, offering help where possible to make it easier. That could be financial (money or housing), it could be practical, it could be logistical (offering a ride to public transport/college/uni/work), etc.

Yes, I can't see why if you could, you wouldn't, because we should all want what's best for our kids. That said, you never know the family dynamics at play. Unfortunately, no matter what we 'should' want, not everyone does want what's best for their kids. In some families, there is a lot of jealousy and resentment and manipulation. It wouldn't surprise me at all if these sorts of parents did not support their dc, unless it was for show or personal benefit. I'd hope they would be the exception rather than the rule.

Oh for Gods sake..

You don't have to ' Put your kid through University ' in this country.

We are not in the USA with college funds

I find it exasperating how many parents are ignorant as to how student finance works and how the ' debt' is managed when they graduate.

You can give little Archie an allowance if you wish to, but there's no need to be on bread and water yourself for 4 years.

Little Archie will have a maintenance loan for accommodation costs and should get himself a part time job through the university to pay for other costs and to gain valuable work experience. There are hardship funds and bursaries if he is struggling.

How on earth do you know the conversations that went on at home as to whether they were ever going to go or not? And op, I have to echo the people who say university isn’t the be all and end all, our school featured high in the league tables in Ireland- they literally only cared a getting into universities- no news on apprenticeships, certs, diplomas, straight from school job opportunities, it was literally only degree courses in the big universities. Very few of us ended up in anything remotely related to our degrees!!!

We also live in a city with 2 excellent Unis
But it’s not the same experience as going away

It's none of your business, OP.

There are plenty of ‘on the job’ or college courses that lead on to well paid jobs without the 30k+ price tag that comes with university. Even working in Aldi or McDonalds can lead to manager roles and beyond if you’re willing to show initiative and work ethic. What the attitude such as yours or the OP brings is that only jobs gained with degrees are worth having along with a classism issue of ‘those who have money should pay for their kids to go’. Anyone going to university should do so on equal footing, not be advantaged by parents who seem to have issues letting their children stand on their own two feet once they reach 18. Other people manage perfectly find getting through uni without being funded by the bank of mum and dad.

What's boomer got to do with it? Viewpoint wise?

Uni doesn't need to be the only option. Loads of vocations like plumber earning £60+k easily.

I can't grasp OP's objection to the holiday. I loved going to open days for ds1, but ds2 isn't sure he wants to go, so what can I do? You don't go to open days if your kid doesn't want to go to uni!

nasty ageism here

There’s a significant difference between affording a holiday and affording “supporting” children through university to the tune of tens thousands of pounds

This. I have three children, the eldest two chose not to go to university, and are very happy working. My youngest is taking a gap year, may go to uni, but is also looking at apprenticeships. I'll encourage them where I can, but I can't choose their path for them.

when they kids don't go they have wonderful foreign holidays etc after saying they couldn't afford to send their kids to uni. It's far cheaper to go on a foreign holiday than support your child through uni, surely? And given that their child is not at uni, they can spend their money where they choose.

I go on foreign holidays. But if my youngest does choose uni, I don't have thousands to give her, I'll support her where I can. It'll be a team effort between her, my DH and myself. If she chooses not to go, then yes, I will continue to have foreign holidays. What's wrong with that?

The gap between the maintenance loan and the actual cost of living is staggering though. It's not the kind of difference most kids can make up by working in Tesco's over the summer holidays. So if their parents won't contribute, or can't, because although they have a high income on paper they don't have that much disposable cash, it's a problem.

The minimum maintenance loan has not significantly increased since I was at uni, and it didn't cover all costs even back then, whereas the cost of living has at least doubled, possibly even tripled since then.

But that's another thread.

Agree. But I can afford to support a degree. Not a degree and a "life experience".

For what it’s worth I agree with @OlderandwiserMaybe that uni isn’t necessarily the way to go for everyone. I have an MA a BA a Bsc and a couple of rather niche diplomas, my brother who left school with a couple of GCSEs earns about 3 times what I do, he has a different kind of skill set, better executive functioning and boundless energy, so he’s a very successful business owner. I on the other hand, am academic but a complete fucking shitshow of an adult human and would last 5 minutes if I had to rely on my own motivation and problem solving skills.

I've no idea what the pp meant by the comment either. I don't think people even understand who the Baby Boomer generation are, and think they are immediate post-war babies.

Any age group is capable of being judgey,

Anyway I can afford to support my son at uni (he has to work for extras) AND have nice holidays and enjoy hobbies. Partly luck and partly life choices.

@Antst

No need for ageist slurs

what? Your comments are beyond ridiculous m. You’re really showing yourself up here.