parents living the high life

[nearlyemptynes]

Now I know we make our choices in life and we live with them. I have 3 children and have supported the eldest through uni and would do the same for the other two if that's what they want. I see this as our responsibility as parents. I have friends who have not supported their kids, haven't encouraged open days etc then when they kids don't go they have wonderful foreign holidays etc after saying they couldn't afford to send their kids to uni. AIBU to think they have their priorities wrong?

The top up is only If you are a high earning household.
Lower earning households get the maximum maintenance loan

There are also expensive places to live and less expensive. One of my ds turned down a London Uni once I suggested he looked at local rents ( he didn’t want to live to far away from uni ) . He chose somewhere more affordable.

It's not just about university, my children have two friends whose parents didn't even pay for them to get the (subsidised) bus to college, or any food! They made them buy their own apart from the odd family meal! Kind of just hoping they would get a job and pay for everything themselves aged 16. Unsurprisingly both these children (16-18) haven't done well in their A levels (one had to leave), when compared against children who are working a few hours one Sat for a bit of top up money and who are financially supported and don't have that stress. Even though they are clever.

I am well aware that I v often feed some of dds housemates. I send her home with dinners for her freezer and a delivery of groceries once a week.
Some kids just dont have it, and some have shitty parents.
I dont ask, but Im glad dd has the kindness to share. One lad had 3 boxes of cornflakes for the week to last him. Why doesnt really matter, dd can spare a dinner portion and a bagel. Its more important to me and her that her friend has a decent dinner than making him pay for having shit luck.

I'd expect an 18yr old to be going to open days and making decisions about their education and career without the interference or pushing from their parents.
So I'd assume that those who don't go to the open days don't want to go to uni. And that's fine.

I think OP is angry with the wrong people.

Students should not have to rely on parental top-ups.

This is how universities become elitist again.

It is obviously nice to help our adult children but it should not be the expectation.

I would always prioritise my dcs education over my holidays, yes. But maybe those holidays are required to carry on?
I don’t think people should be judging

I agree with this

It's not all about money either. Some parents don't even provide the most basic of advice/support for their children's education/career etc. As someone said above, it's not just the "big" costs either. It's the smaller things, like lifts, paying for bus fares, buying study materials etc. Even just sitting down with your child and talking about options seems alien to some parents, especially these days when so much information is available at their fingertips. Too many parents just leave it up to their kids to do their own research, make their own decisions, etc., as if they were strangers. I just can't fathom that mentality - it's like "bugger off, you're an adult now!". Being a parent is a life-time commitment, not just for the "fun" years of playing and dressing up!

We still give our son as much support/help as he needs, and he's 21 and has left Uni and started a job - obviously we're very hands-off, especially as he's at the opposite side of the country, but he still asks for advice, which we, as experienced adults, can give him and are happy to do! It's years of advice and support that has got him there - talking to him and exploring his interests/wishes and researching options etc to put him in a place where he can make his own decisions. Yes, there's been a bit of financial support along the way, but he's got full student loans and our financing was pretty minimal really, i.e. paying advance deposits for student flats, being a guarantor for flats, "topping up" his money for study materials, paying for train tickets for him to travel between home and Uni every few weeks, etc.

We'd been saving right from the moment he was born really, not for anything in particular, but as a "slush fund" for his future, whether that was going to be for Uni costs, or starting a business, or training in something else, or for a house/flat deposit, or whatever really. Small regular amounts for 18 years adds up to a fair chunk, especially with compound interest. VERY few people wouldn't have been able to save a few pounds a week over a long period of time! It's the cost of a packet of fags or a few extra chocolate bars, of a few less clothes or toys or whatever - hardly missed. (Yes, I know some people genuinely wouldn't have even a few spare pounds whatever they did, but most could make simple/cheap lifestyle choices!)

My parents supported me through uni, but I also worked weekends and summer holidays to cover costs. They could have paid for the whole thing but from a personal stance I didn't feel comfortable doing that.

@TigerQueenie how would they afford that if not driven by their parents, if they want to go to one away from home? Travelodge and a car drive still costs £££ or should they just go to any old uni nearby, paying for themselves to get there.

Those saying the government are responsible, absolutely. They took away the £30 a week or whatever it was for 16-18 year olds going to college. They took away the grants and gave them loans, which aren't worth as much and cost a lot more.

That's why though social inequalities are just replicating, most of the people with money ensure their children go on to do things that give them more money. The Op is writing about those who have money but don't spend it on supporting education, and there are a surprising amount of those parents out there, and they are not that impoverished at all (otherwise they would be getting full loans!)

I have friends who have not supported their kids, haven't encouraged open days etc then when they kids don't go they have wonderful foreign holidays etc after saying they couldn't afford to send their kids to uni.

Are you talking about one set of friends or that this is something you hear a lot within your wider circle?

If it's one set then I'd just start distancing yourself from them as this is quite a big issue to have such different view on.

If it's a lot of friends then I do think it's quite odd as I personally have not come across parents who claim they cannot afford uni for their children while going on extravagant holidays. I know plenty who do not go to uni for myriad other reasons.

This isn’t true. Estrangement requires much more than just claiming it, generally that you have no contact with your parents and would not generally be possible for children unless they have been in care.

parents are legally liable to support their children in full time education up to 25. I would judge severely if they don’t.

Some parents are simply selfish and it doesn't occur to them to put their children's needs first.

All of the boomers I know are very wealthy, but also very generous with time and money, to their children and to the communities they live in. So your sweeping insulting generalisation is utter bollocks.

In most places I’m afraid the minimum loan doesn’t cover rent.
Aberystwyth yes others no.

I have one at Exeter lowest rent was over £6000, but he didn’t get that as they are allocated by the Uni. So his rent is approx £7000.
Other one is in Bristol the rents there were higher.
This is halls cost.
Exeter ds now looking for next year. Rent 48 wks, ( most landlords insist on this ) not including any bills for a house share with 4 in total is £6720 per person. The cheapest he can find. As I said bills not included.
Way way above the minimum loan

A nice holiday is cheaper than paying to go to university though 😂

So what? Conclusions that are based on observation (after observation after observation) are valid.

So you'd happily stand back and let your child make bad decisions and potentially wreck their life because you "expect" them to make their own choices etc?

I wouldn't! I'd make sure I'd guide them to explore all options, make sure they were fully informed about different routes, and then, and only then, would I stand aside and let them make the wrong choice - and I'd make sure they knew without doubt my opinion that it wasn't the right choice! It's called making informed decisions. No one can make an informed decision if they don't know all the facts!

I'd never make a decision for our child, and never force him into a decision, but I'd make sure he was properly informed of ALL options, pros and cons, to enable him to make an informed decision. If he buggers up his life, that's HIS problem, but he's not doing it on my watch due to ignorance or "can't be bothered" to research things properly!

Most 6th formers need some parent input in order to attend open days.
Most are not yet financially independent enough to afford to take themselves off to multiple open days, and very many would need support with transport to and from (e.g. collecting from the bus or train station when they arrive back at 10pm).
I think it would be quite hard for a 17 or 18 year student to attend open days without their parents support. This is very different to interference and pushiness.

@Redbrickrebel
My daughter is on minimum loan of around 4k a year. She opted for the second cheapest accommodation which is 8k a year. So, before she even starts to ‘live’ she has a 4K deficit. The cheapest accommodation was £700 less but much further out so required buses at an extra cost making the difference far less. It’s very difficult for first years to get jobs, certainly at first. It’s Oct and she’s already applied for 10 and 2 have agreed to keep her on file. We don’t live in an urban area so there was no real chance of her getting a viable job in 6th form to help her save. She’s our eldest and one of her brothers has a disability and we simply cannot give her much at all as we live in an area of high housing costs so have a huge mortgage and other expensive but not luxury outgoings. We help when we can but she is living on virtually nothing and I know she’s upset that all her friends and flatmates go out and she simply can’t ever as she can barely afford to feed herself. So sadly, she’s not getting that same experience as many others. There are no bursaries available to kids on minimum loans either. The threshold for minimum loan is very low when it’s two salaries and doesn’t account for any outgoings or number of mouths to feed.
So, respectfully, please don’t suggest that it’s not a problem in this country when it really, really is. If we lived in Scotland or Wales she’d be fine but unfortunately we live in England.

Students have always relied on parental support (other than mature students).

I do think there is a bit of a point here though- why are we happy to fund living costs for those not working on uc, yet students are entitled to nothing at all. Seems grossly unfair to me.

Again, I don't think anyone is talking about the full £50k cost of Uni. They're talking about the "top up" difference between the maintenance loan and actual living costs. That difference, for most, is very similar, if not at lot less, than a holiday!

@CosimoPiovasco I totally believe it, because rents have spiralled out of all control for the whole sector, and so students are suffering a lot from rent rises. So, you can't even get a roof over your head for what the government gives you...

All of the boomers I know are very wealthy

You either don't know many people or you have a very selective group of acquaintances!

Gosh I dont think its fine at all.
DD in her final year was a mess. A total mess. Left to her own devices she would have stayed in bed.
Are you saying i should have let her? What kind of shitty parenting is that?
Instead I talked to her, encouraged her, showed her opportunities, told her she wouldnt have to worry, we would be with her through it all, if she would just try. She wanted it, but she was a mess and couldnt see that she was able for it.
Shes in UNI now, spent the summer in the States, and is figuring out what Masters she wants and what European country she will work in next summer.
Or I could have left her in bed, cos shes 18?
Baffling attitude. Just baffling.