Worried about becoming a parent because of the ‘just you waits’

[maybemumm]

You’ll never sleep again, you’ll never have money or time for yourself/DH again. It’s the hardest thing ever, your body changes and your mental load increases tenfold. You could end up with birth trauma, childcare in the UK is extortionate, wave goodbye to cinema trips, date nights, meals out, just wait until…

Does anyone else think this is constant? Perhaps I just need to get off social media. My grandma has a big family with several children and loved every minute of raising them, even though she admits some times were hard she firmly believes the good outweighs the bad and loving her family is the secret to her old age. I guess I spend too much time browsing on here and the tiktok algorithm shows me baby and pregnancy-related videos as I must have been engaging with them more.

We have started to TTC and 95% sure we’ll be one and done. I am really maternal and can’t wait to have a whole new person: a baby, toddler, child and eventually adult. It
makes me really excited. My DH is lovely, supportive and does much more housework than me. We have lots of family support around us. Still I think some videos and posts are making me worry that it will be so hard and I will be the one sacrificing everything, which is a difficult thought to imagine when you’ve never been in that situation. I fully expect things to be hard but AIBU to hope it’ll be ok, with ability to return to work, somewhat enough money, energy and enjoyment of life individually and as a family especially as they get older?

Weigh in. Do I delete bloody Tiktok or start searching for cat videos or something, or is it a good thing that people’s eyes are opened to the realities of starting a family? 😅

We waited years before we had kids (2) as weren't really sure we even wanted them.
18 years on, I have never regretted it, some stages were harder than others but the joy, fun and laughter they have also brought is immeasurable
My tricky toddler is a dream teen, my easy toddler was less so but they're all ages and stages

After 4 years ttc and 15 losses, I’d be grateful to have my life ruined. Well, it already has been ruined and I’m still childless.

God no don't worry. You've no idea how you'll find it so might as well just relax and go with the flow.

I had a lovely easy birth, my baby was a breeze, ate and slept like a dream and has always been such a happy little chap. He's nearly 3 and we haven't had 'the terrible twos' or any tantrums.

Doesn't stop everyone with a child older than us telling us 'oh you just wait' at every new stage we get to though.

I think there's a perception that it's better to be negative about the parenting experience as that's somehow more real and relatable. I'd find it quite refreshing to just have someone smile and say isn't it great, keep enjoying it.

By the way, I'm fully aware of the whole spectrum of experiences and that I've been lucky. My point is not to be smug but to say, it can all be fine, so good luck!

Man that stuff used to piss me off. You can't do X, you won't do Y. Eugh. I think the worst one was when people used to laugh when I told them my house wouldn't turn into a dirty crap heap just because I was becoming a mother.

I'm still ME, that hasn't changed. I need a clean and tidy home for my own sanity. I needed it before my son was born and I need it now. So now I have a nearly three year old and a clean and tidy house. It's not hard. It's just natural to me because I've always lived that way 🤷🏻‍♀️

Best.thing.ever.
Cannot possibly imagine life without them. I am naturally very maternal, but genuinely find delight in every day, there are obviously days which are particularly hard but for some reason, once they've fallen asleep I am totally overwhelmed with love for them and then it's a new day and new challenges. It's the biggest drive for DH and I and our relationship has only got stronger and deeper the more DC we have had. Good luck!

@SeaToSki what a lovely post. I really enjoyed that!

You have a lovely DH and local, supportive family. The odds are already stacked in your favour. It is blinking hard but a good support network is everything (I say that without one). You'll be fine.

There will definitely be phases where you just cry and are so tired and it's so hard but they are just that, Phases
Looking back now with a grown up eldest and a teen youngest I miss those baby and toddler years so much.
Oh and when you hear people say sleep when baby does! Do just that - the times I wasted catching up on washing etc when I should have been napping and looking after myself as well as baby. And when you've had a pretty shitty tiring day go look at their peaceful sleeping face and you'll melt and all will be good again 🩷

"Before you have kids you can't imagine life with them - After you have kids you can't imagine life without them"

True.

You do you OP - there are no formulas. Best Wishes.

Well I had a poorly baby then twins so I'm not going to say it's easy but...

You’ll never sleep again I don't have great sleepers but it passes. Twins are 3, mostly sleep through. But actually there's something lovely about middle of the night cuddles when it doesn't happen too often.

you’ll never have money... well kids are expensive but not everything has to be new, plenty of people go back to work etc.

or time for yourself.. you will if he does his share. I have weekends away without hobby or kids.

DH again meh, kids go to bed , I have DH now, I'm just texting you instead 😄

It’s the hardest thing ever thinks worth doing are worth hard work

your body changes well yeah but that doesn't have to be a negative

and your mental load increases tenfold so make sure it's shared.

You could end up with birth trauma you could end up with all sorts of trauma. Such is life. You have to live it anyway.

childcare in the UK is extortionate yeah but they grow up

wave goodbye to cinema trips did you know lots of cinema do showings where you can take your baby but it's just a bit brighter and quieter? Usually cheaper too. And DH can look after the baby
I had a 6 month pass to our cinema for Mother's Date,

...date nights, meals out depends on your childcare. For us, yes. That's just a fact for now.

Being honest - it is hard work and expensive (although not as expensive as I thought). However it is the most rewarding job in life. Seeing them smile at you, no matter how old they are, just fills your heart.

You’ll honestly never know love like it and it’s worth every second of hard work and every penny!

It’s different for everyone

like child birth, I heard so many horror stories, yet mine were totally fine and quick and easy

but 1 baby was a reflux baby who cried many hours a day, the other slept through from a young age. They are all different, you don’t know what you are going to get, so why worry? Everyone faces challenges and difficulties in life.

life isn’t about cinema trips and eating out… well maybe for some people it is (is it?!) but how…. boring

don’g be put off by other people’s warnings, what they are really saying is “it was tough for me!” They are really talking about themselves and their own experience, not about you

Those people aren't wrong, it is fucking hard. I don't think I know anyone who didn't find it fucking hard. I also don't know anyone who regrets having children. Though I know this isn't the same for everyone and some parents do regret having children. I actually think this should be discussed more not less. A lot of people don't think enough about it before starting TTC. I think having children is something you should think deeply about beforehand. It isn't for everyone and it shouldn't be just the next step in life, it should be a conscious well throught out choice and include a discussion about those things like chores and mental load that usually end up being borne by the mother.

If you have family support and a DH that shares the load you're well ahead of a lot of the women that post on here. I would have a discussion with your DH about these things before TTC. Discuss mat leave and parenting, discipline (it never occured to me my stbxh would think smacking was ok), days off for sickness, nursery fees and so on. Really discuss everything with him.

It is hard work as you have to factor in a small person for everything and anything you do like going to the shop for milk.

Also some people can cope perfectly well with minimal sleep. I was not prepared for how long sleepless nights and 5am starts went on for...well over 6 7 years and then gradually moved to 6am ish but i was single. I think my experience would have been totally different if I had a supportive partner Sharing the load.

I only have 1 so it can't be that bad as most people have more than 1. The thing i probably hate the most? Homework 🤣 and I worry hugely of the pressue of school to.

The question is, what do you think will change and what won't, what do you expect life to be like?

Write it down answering my question, check back in a year's + time and see what has happened and what hasn't x

Or you go through hell and end up emotionally wrecked as a person and they aren't "amazing"? How about you stop talking over someone else's lived experience?

I’m 5 months in to motherhood.

I ended up with horrific prenatal anxiety because of the ‘just you wait’ i heard from everyone. It drowned all my thoughts. I was acting like i was terminally ill when it should have been a happy time. I found people’s comments toxic to my mindset.

I spent evenings crying my eyes out that I’ve ruined my life, I felt like my life was truly over. I’d read that I’d never sleep again etc etc etc

The reality has been different. I have been pleasantly surprised. I have actually enjoyed the new people I have met via baby things, I do sleep and I spend lots of time doing not a lot, which I love.

I say this as someone who has had an extremely difficult time in pregnancy, a genuinely traumatic birth which I was not awake for and a seriously sick baby who nearly died on a separate occasion.

Having now gone through what I have done so far, nobody can offer any more relevant anecdotes of how hard they had it and the ‘just you wait’ crap has stopped, as I sadly win the prize of having had it worse and it couldn’t actually get any worse 😂

and all that is said and done, it really wasn’t worth my tears for. It would have been even better if I didn’t have things go wrong and a more straightforward newborn phase.

on the flipside, I equally cannot abide people that post on social media how wonderful and perfect their lives/ motherhood and mat leave is. It just isn’t realistic and I find that much more toxic.

just go in to it knowing your sleep will be broken (but you will sleep) and you have less time for hobbies.

I keep telling myself on the hard days that I’d otherwise be at work, so I’m not really missing out on ‘me’ time per se as work are paying me to be off caring for the baby instead of being there and watching Netflix whilst the baby naps isn’t anywhere near as rough as work 😂

Had all that and still wouldn't do it again.

I agree.

Yes delete TikTok, it's a drain on your life.
1 child is a piece of piss...but you won't realise that until you have more!

The just you waits are great training for when the baby gets here and everyone Will give you their view on how you're doing parenting wrong.
Use it as an opportunity to practice setting boundaries politely
"Oh that sounds like you didn't have a good experience. Sorry to hear it."
"That's a lovely thought. But I'm not doing that"

It’s wonderful.

Yes, all a bit of a shock in the beginning when you bring a baby home and have to figure it all out while sleep deprived, but still bloody lovely in amongst that.

Every day of my life, since I became a mum, is better than life before that. The worst days afterwards were better than the best days prior.

I have 4DC & wouldn’t change a thing, despite the various challenges and exhaustion along the way.

😂😂😂

It took 4 years for me and I never forgot the pain! 🫣

It's like a right of path really like we do all this hard stuff wahhwahh but at the same time ( I hope ) the same people will say its the best decision they've made or best thing to happen to them. Nothing in this world can compare to the love and contententness you get from being a mother. Time with oh - can work around it , body changes absolutely but in a way I love mine more now, all the stuff is just noise and your instincts take over and it just becomes normal we just like a complaint sometimes but I promise the good absolutely outweighs the bad daily ( nursing littlest baba who is 5th and would gladly have another )

@maybemumm , having children was the most fulfilling thing I ever did. There were challenges along the way….
My boys are men now and they and their families are my greatest joy. I have no regrets. 🙏🏻