Worried about becoming a parent because of the ‘just you waits’

[maybemumm]

You’ll never sleep again, you’ll never have money or time for yourself/DH again. It’s the hardest thing ever, your body changes and your mental load increases tenfold. You could end up with birth trauma, childcare in the UK is extortionate, wave goodbye to cinema trips, date nights, meals out, just wait until…

Does anyone else think this is constant? Perhaps I just need to get off social media. My grandma has a big family with several children and loved every minute of raising them, even though she admits some times were hard she firmly believes the good outweighs the bad and loving her family is the secret to her old age. I guess I spend too much time browsing on here and the tiktok algorithm shows me baby and pregnancy-related videos as I must have been engaging with them more.

We have started to TTC and 95% sure we’ll be one and done. I am really maternal and can’t wait to have a whole new person: a baby, toddler, child and eventually adult. It
makes me really excited. My DH is lovely, supportive and does much more housework than me. We have lots of family support around us. Still I think some videos and posts are making me worry that it will be so hard and I will be the one sacrificing everything, which is a difficult thought to imagine when you’ve never been in that situation. I fully expect things to be hard but AIBU to hope it’ll be ok, with ability to return to work, somewhat enough money, energy and enjoyment of life individually and as a family especially as they get older?

Weigh in. Do I delete bloody Tiktok or start searching for cat videos or something, or is it a good thing that people’s eyes are opened to the realities of starting a family? 😅

Well, it is fucking hard, relentless, manual labour, expensive.

People aren't wrong and I'm actually feeling annoyed about how other people didn't tell me just how gruelling it was. It's not sunshine and roses.

Fair enough! Maybe it’s better to go into it expecting the absolute worst then.

Oh I found it constant before I had dd! It drove me crazy! I’m not really sure why people do it but it’s definitely annoying. I felt like saying “oh are you regretting your children then?”

There are of course tough phases, and it depends what your child is like, but it really doesn’t have to be that stressful. Especially if you’re only planning to have one child. My DS is 19 months and honestly, he’s been (for the most part) an absolute breeze. I’ve loved each and every age so far, but right now is my favourite with him learning so much and beginning to talk and understand so much. Just enjoy it and savour each moment because it does fly by.

In hindsight I am glad everyone said that - I thought having children was unremitting drudgery and misery, my career/body/relationship would be ruined, and it was some kind of miserable agreed social contract we all accepted to have a family especially in later years.

I was never sold om having children for that reason. But actually it's been fab and I love it! I loved babies, toddlers while manic are adorable and now they're at school I have increasingly time to myself again.

Low expectations are the way forward!

Honestly, there are things I miss about my pre-kids life. It’s different. I miss having spare money, time to myself, spontaneity… but having kids is the best thing ever. To me, the pros outweigh the cons. easily. Others may disagree but that’s my experience.

Honestly op it really depends on the child you get. I had a lovely chilled first baby, loved every second of him. Still do, he's a great kid. But my second baby was a massive shock. He has SEN and it's really hard still, seven years later. I have lots of help too, but my arms are scratched raw and I honestly feel like I'm in an abusive relationship I cannot leave. That's the truth of it. You just don't know.

Wait til you find out the truth about childbirth 😱

I agree with this. It’s better nowadays that there is an open dialogue around the challenges of parenting as it’s not all a walk in the park.

That said I do not regret being a parent, I have a 5 year old, 3 year old and currently pregnant with my third (planned)!

Its a very fine line to tread as a parent between trying to ‘warn’ child free people of the challenges, and empathize with fellow parents with the same struggles, without sounding like you are moaning about your offspring or not being grateful for them!

It's been the ride of my life, but it also passes quickly, so focus on the positive

It’s not that bad, it’s just impossible to imagine before you have one.

I have a 2 year old, he sleeps for 12 hours a night and is mostly delightful when he’s awake.

Yes there’s hard phases, but nothing can prepare you really so there’s no point worrying about it in advance.

I’m pregnant with my second and not exactly looking forward to the newborn phase, but trying to remind myself that every baby is different and I might get a contented one this time.

Aw, come on.

Yes, parenthood is the biggest change most people will ever experience. But you love them. You grow exponentially as a person. Then they grow up and you have these amazing people in your life who you helped create.

I was lucky enough to be the first of our friends to have a baby so didn't get anything like this from them, some people from my wider circle seemed to be totally jealous that I seemed to breeze through it! Women can be so hateful.
As a very oldie I do find it odd that people read so much about having a baby and it leads to unreal expectations, better just go with the flow.

Just you wait until the baby is 2.5 and at nursery and you somehow forget the sleepless nights, teething, the pain of birth and start getting broody again 😁

I think you need to hear the other side of the coin.

Yes it's all of the hard work and 'sacrifice', and it's a gamble because in my line of work I see that it's definitely not all roses for some families (situations that easily could happen to me and my kids - disability, disease, divorce etc) but making your own little tribe is just the best thing ever.

I think it's probably a good thing that people aren't selling it as all sunshine and rainbows.

My experience, as someone who wasn't maternal, that once I had one baby, I just wanted to have more! It was a revelation!! Now I won't deny it was hard going sometimes, the childcare fees were extortionate, we couldn't afford holidays away for years, we didn't have family help. When we decided to limit our family to three, it was a decision made with the head, not the heart.

My three are all adults now but still depending on us to one extent or another for various reasons.

Would I do it all again? Yes, I would. There's no-one in the world I would rather spend time with, even when though they sometimes drive me mad!! They are the greatest achievements of my life.

I wouldn’t go back to pre kids after experiencing having them. To have (in my case) 2 little people that love you unconditionally even on your bad days is everything ❤️ the excitement when they bring you a picture from school or day care and tell you about how good their day was is just the best.

i had a great life pre kids, but I don’t miss it. My values have just changed. Pre kids I valued going clubbing every weekend with my friends (I was young) now I value watching a movie at the weekend with the kids or doing something fun with them.

dont get me wrong, it’s hard work but I wouldn’t have it any other way

For all that people say social media is made up bragging bullshit, it’s equally true that few people make content/write posts about the calm, content, happy days, with or without kids. Try it on MN and half the time you’ll be jumped on for smuggery and insensitivity to others having a crap time.

There was a nice thread a while back in Parenting I think about the lovely “just you waits”, I’ll see if I can find it.

The thing about looking in is the bad stuff seems obvious but the good stuff is sometimes hard to describe but absolutely bloody amazing. Today my 4 year old is really ill, coughing, on antibiotics and steroids, hyper or exhausted, grumpy, it was a rough night. The baby is coldy. Our half term plans are trashed and I had loads of laundry to do, got puked on several times. Sounds shit.

We played, the baby giggled, it’s not bad having no plans at the moment, DD did amazing writing practise and I’m bowled over by what she’s learnt since starting school a few short weeks ago. I was making dinner and saw DH cuddling both of them on the sofa beaming his face off just smitten with them both. DD will be on the mend soon, DS is loving solid food, they both went to sleep well tonight. My heart is full. Doesn’t sound too bad, maybe.

Yanbu.
I had a man at work who was having IVF to have a third child with his wife give me all this guff when I was pregnant.

I knew it would be a boring sleep deprived grind - I don't think that's a secret at all... but I didn't realise how many lovely little joyful moments there would be.

Because of this I tell everyone all the positives outweigh the cost/hard work. My DD is totally worth it even when she's been a little gremlin the night before. (Because she is my delightful charming wonderful smart and funny gremlin)

Be warned: I am/was nonmaternal, had DD "for" my DH, I really thought I'd be one and done butttt... I am now going to have 2 under 2. And it was planned! 😬😬😬

I dunno I found myself people on both ends quite extreme- either pointing out all of the shite or claim that every single second is just amazing with no challenges. The reality for most (bearing in mind everyone is different) is in the middle I expect! Yes some parts are really challenging and a lot harder than envisaged, others are brilliant and possibly more so than you expected. It's good to be realistic and consider these aspects before choosing to TTC but I'd take the positives and the negatives with a pinch of salt.

Honestly I thought I didn’t want children for the longest time and I’m sure it’s the you’ll have no time to yourself and it’s a relentless slog narrative that swayed my thinking! Hormones took over at 35, my husband and I both went in with a very low bar as to what life would look like post baby. We’re just over 2 years in so maybe I’ll change my mind but so far it’s the best thing ever!!! Now I wish I’d started earlier and had more children! Life does change but it’s not worse imo, it’s just different. So far I’ve loved every stage. They’re not really little for that long and I’m sure I’ll miss it when it’s over.

I definitely heard loads of “just you wait” pre babies and it doesn’t seem to be that popular to be like yeah I love parenting! Especially on social media because I guess influencers don’t want to be guilty of making people feel bad so they try to “keep it real.” I mean I see all of these posts that are jokes, but there’s a lot of them, like mummy drinks wine because of you! And the happy when the kids go back to school posts; they’re meant as a joke I’m sure, but coupled with everyone telling you you’ll never sleep again and never be able to afford fun, it can seem a bit relentless!

of course it depends on your baby and your support network, it’s good people say it can be hard, but equally people should be saying how wonderful it is too!

There is good bits and bad bits but I don't get people who are surprised by it, I went in not expecting anything either way

Don’t go into it feeling the absolute worse but my take on it is, the first year mentally for me was challenging. I now have an almost 2 year old and this last year has been better. I work though and it helps me. I’m also a single parent essentially as her dad isn’t great but I’ve found my routine and my way and we do it. I do miss being able to go where I want when I want and alll that but you do just love your children more than that and I honestly went out in July and was wanting my child the whole time. I only felt good on a night off with her dad. It is truly the best thing you’ll ever do but the most challenging but if your partner is supportive and can give you pockets of time to you then you’ll thrive. I love my child and you will yours but nothing is ever easy! I wouldn’t be without my daughter now. The love you feel from them is something else

I have a 5 month old and it's amazing. By far the best thing I've ever done, never been happier. It has challenging moments obviously, but it's all worth it. For some reason people love to do the 'just you wait' thing when you're pregnant.

Honestly, OP, nothing anyone told me, and nothing I’d read in terms of baby books in three languages in any way resembled my actual experience of having a raising a child.

The kind of parent you will be depends on all kinds of variables (circumstances, own childhood, age, health, expectations, partner, culture, help, age, income etc etc, and the kind of baby you have). Half the ‘just you wait’ stuff never happened at all, or were completely manageable and minor, while things that hadn’t been flagged up by other people turned out to be challenging. Everyone’s experience is different. There’s no template.

I had been birth partner for a close friend for both her births, which she breezed through with no pain relief (both home births). It turned out I couldn’t handle labour at all, despite being fit, strong and having done a lot of prep and hypnobirthing. No point second-guessing, or listening to other people, any more than you’d take their advice on any other major life experience.