Worried about becoming a parent because of the ‘just you waits’

[maybemumm]

You’ll never sleep again, you’ll never have money or time for yourself/DH again. It’s the hardest thing ever, your body changes and your mental load increases tenfold. You could end up with birth trauma, childcare in the UK is extortionate, wave goodbye to cinema trips, date nights, meals out, just wait until…

Does anyone else think this is constant? Perhaps I just need to get off social media. My grandma has a big family with several children and loved every minute of raising them, even though she admits some times were hard she firmly believes the good outweighs the bad and loving her family is the secret to her old age. I guess I spend too much time browsing on here and the tiktok algorithm shows me baby and pregnancy-related videos as I must have been engaging with them more.

We have started to TTC and 95% sure we’ll be one and done. I am really maternal and can’t wait to have a whole new person: a baby, toddler, child and eventually adult. It
makes me really excited. My DH is lovely, supportive and does much more housework than me. We have lots of family support around us. Still I think some videos and posts are making me worry that it will be so hard and I will be the one sacrificing everything, which is a difficult thought to imagine when you’ve never been in that situation. I fully expect things to be hard but AIBU to hope it’ll be ok, with ability to return to work, somewhat enough money, energy and enjoyment of life individually and as a family especially as they get older?

Weigh in. Do I delete bloody Tiktok or start searching for cat videos or something, or is it a good thing that people’s eyes are opened to the realities of starting a family? 😅

Honestly, there are always going to be times when the responsibility weighs heavily but not everyone finds it overwhelming. I LOVED the baby years, the toddler years, the teenage years and now I'm enjoying it all over again with the DGC. I won't say it was all sunshine and roses but the joy has far far outweighed any of the stress.

I mean kids wake up and are blissfully happy. Every day is an exciting magical adventure. You can just look at them and they will be happy. Keeping them safe and happy suddenly is everything. That’s the bit people haven’t told you.

"Just you wait" is never said to be helpful, it's a gleeful, arrogant expression from (mostly) women who love tearing others down, and forums like this are rife with it.

I think having kids is the best adventure in the world but it's a Herculean project.

It is hard. But I also really love it. I love spending time with my kids. I also find ways to carve out time for my husband and I. It is different to life pre-kids but I would not change it for the world.

As you get older your body changes any way. Mine has changed because I have two fab little people.

Ah the doom-mongers. The thing is that every experience of having a child is different. Yes there will be challenges, but the whole thing is down to pot luck in my opinion as to what sort of baby/child you get. Just be open minded about it.

Oh yes. And because they see the world in such a wonderful way, you get to see the world that way too. It is like seeing the world as a little kid again.

Why listen to other people.
Your own experience will be different from theirs. You wouldn't decide not to learn to drive because other people don't like driving would you?

I think there can be competitive negativity around parenting which just as toxic as all the instagram perfect family stuff. As with everything, it’s not black and white and obviously every situation is different. Maybe I had really low expectations but I’ve loved having babies / children and of course there are hard moments and phases but I definitely wouldn’t feel the need to warn people about that any more than I’d warn someone their new dream job will likely be tough at times too.

One of my children had cancer as a toddler which is a good perspective shifter, I don’t sweat the small stuff these days. I think that helps.

Also, I don’t think of only time away from my children as ‘my’ time. We have no help at all except paid childcare and school so don’t get out much but we will lower our standards and let them watch tv etc while we do something we want to do. I think this makes a big difference compared to friends who seem to parent hard and then switch off when the grandparents swoop in and they can go out.

Oh the just you waits are so annoying. BUT I did listen to them & prepare for hell.. little did I know 6 months in & it's been absolutely amazing, better than I could have ever imagined.

Its soooo hard, and you’ll worry for the rest of your life about those babies, about EVERY SINGLE THING. Constant Mum guilt. They are so fucking annoying sometimes. You want them to shut up so you can have some peace. They are messy, they are unreasonable - But on the bad days one smile from those cheeky faces and you melt and most of the time its bloody marvellous.

Teenagers on the other hand 😂 bring me back the kid stage!

You’ll always find a way to afford it, you’ll get joy from the park and zoo trips and seeing them enjoy themselves, and it really does go by so fast. And I know one day I’ll have my freedom again and I’ll be wishing they were little and making a mess.

I have a teenager and a toddler and they both make my heart burst and it’s really true when they say theres no love like it ❤️

If you want to hear how amazing it is start pretending you want to be childfree😂

Personally, I did feel like that when DD was born, and social media confirmed that that was how it was meant to be, sort of competitive misery. Turns out I had pretty severe PND and, once I recovered from that, I don't recognise those feelings anymore. Of course there are still tough days/moments, but overwhelmingly I love DD and love being with her.

I guess I'm saying yes it will be hard in many ways, and different bits will be more of less hard depending on your baby's personality/your own, but if your baby is wanted and you have a good supportive network/partner, if baby arrives and you genuinely feel wretched about parenting for a prolonged period, don't just think it's because that's how's it's meant to be or you're not cut out for it, speak to someone and get some help.

so to balance things out a bit from what you have been seeing online

Just you wait until

you literally just smile at your baby and they are so happy that their whole bodies wriggle with joy at the sight

your toddler learns to jump with both feet at the same time and says now Im big and strong just like you Mummy

your 8 yr old streaks off into the playground to be with their friends and then hesitates fora half second to check you are there and do a quick wave because your presence makes them feel secure enough to explore and twirl like a dervish

your 14 yr old half child-half adult stomps into the kitchen asking whats for dinner because they are starving (and getting hangry) and when you tell them you have cooked their favourite, you can see the burden of their day lift a little because they can feel your love through their teenage bristles

your young adult dc calls home to tell you about their new job 5 mins after they get it, because they are telling the most important people to them first

From there some other Mums will have to take over as that is where my mothering journey has reached right now (and Im sorry they arent more eloquent, so I hope you can see the meaning I am trying to convey)

Parenting is a hard, scary and important job, but that is why it is so worthwhile.

YANBU, although to be fair, can you imagine the furore if parents who didn't have an easy time put their head above the parapet and said 'Actually, it's not that hard?' I mean, that would also be unreasonable to say it as if that's the case for everyone but my experience is that it doesn't have to be that hard.

I will stick my head above the parapet and say it was generally easier than I expected, but we were also lucky (two kids that slept well as babies, neither was a challenging toddler and the oldest is a lovely teen, no significant health problems etc) and we're also decently off and live near our families so had a lot of support and could maintain a social life.

I do think having family network and/or money for babysitting makes a huge difference to the experience. Clearly it would have been a lot harder if we were on an average or low income and didn't have family at hand to help with childcare on an ad-hoc basis.

As people have said, it is luck of the draw - I didn't do anything to make my kids sleep well as babies or be fairly chilled toddlers, I was just plain jammy. You can get people who total super parents and have kids who are much harder work. And sometimes, as PPs have said, you get a mixture.

Better to go in thinking it'll be worse than it is, surely?
It clearly hasn't put you off as you are TTC

Children are relentless, and a fair proportion of parents do regret it - theoretically, had they realised how hard it was going to be, the ones who regret it would have made different choices and those that don't regret it would have powered through.

In short - media, culture and society present parenthood as the ideal and often only valid choice. People should be challenging something as life changing as having a child.

@seatoski
I'm half way through your parenting journey but I totally agree and I LOVE your message.

It is really hard but having support around you makes the absolute world of difference.
The upside, you'd be hard pushed to ever feel a love like it. Try to ignore the negatives and enjoy your baby journey.

THIS!
My partner and I won't be having children - and all we hear is how miserable and pointless are lives are / will be.

People just like being negative

I have twins, it was bloody tough to begin with but one slept through from 3 months. All babies are different and for me the wonder of seeing them developing separately made the tough time worth it.

I would ignore everyone saying negative things about having children. They have their reasons and that’s exactly their reasons, no one else’s so you don’t have take them onboard.

If you want to have children then go ahead and enjoy the journey.

Yeh I'm not there yet with a 4 and 2 year old lol. BUT I know time is flying and I do not regret my kids. It's just really hard work and I'm feeling exhausted.

Also, another important thing to say is how it can affect your relationship with your partner. You go in all strong and "we got this" and then you are both sleep deprived, parenting styles differ, you get snappy, you resent them for doing certain things. You have to be so strong and work together.

Yes, there are tough times and much of what you listed is true but you can also make it an amazing adventure.
We've been to plenty of restaurants and done lots of travelling. Not much just as a couple but that's mainly because we want to share these experiences with the dc.
You'll parent in a way that suits your personality and your child's so ignore the totally negative messages.

Perhaps I just need to get off social media.

Sounds like a good idea. I absolutely loved it. Some people struggle. I’m not sure you can tell how you’ll feel until you’re there.

If people didn’t talk about how hard it can be then you’d feel utterly useless and alone
when you actually encountered some of the challenges.

Its not the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's probably the most relentless - the constant need for your time and energy has been draining for me. My little one wasn't a great sleeper, but was a great eater and potty trained by his second birthday. I find parents will often tell you one side or the other, depending on if they're doom-mongering or trying to say it's the best thing ever. It's rarely that black and white.

And just you wait till the first time they cuddle up to you and say "I love you so much mummy!", or the first time they draw you a picture, or the first time they help another child. The good stuff can be pretty magical.