Worried about becoming a parent because of the ‘just you waits’

[maybemumm]

You’ll never sleep again, you’ll never have money or time for yourself/DH again. It’s the hardest thing ever, your body changes and your mental load increases tenfold. You could end up with birth trauma, childcare in the UK is extortionate, wave goodbye to cinema trips, date nights, meals out, just wait until…

Does anyone else think this is constant? Perhaps I just need to get off social media. My grandma has a big family with several children and loved every minute of raising them, even though she admits some times were hard she firmly believes the good outweighs the bad and loving her family is the secret to her old age. I guess I spend too much time browsing on here and the tiktok algorithm shows me baby and pregnancy-related videos as I must have been engaging with them more.

We have started to TTC and 95% sure we’ll be one and done. I am really maternal and can’t wait to have a whole new person: a baby, toddler, child and eventually adult. It
makes me really excited. My DH is lovely, supportive and does much more housework than me. We have lots of family support around us. Still I think some videos and posts are making me worry that it will be so hard and I will be the one sacrificing everything, which is a difficult thought to imagine when you’ve never been in that situation. I fully expect things to be hard but AIBU to hope it’ll be ok, with ability to return to work, somewhat enough money, energy and enjoyment of life individually and as a family especially as they get older?

Weigh in. Do I delete bloody Tiktok or start searching for cat videos or something, or is it a good thing that people’s eyes are opened to the realities of starting a family? 😅

Everyone says teens are awful… for me it’s my favourite stage so far. Yes they were cute as toddlers but that was hard (twins and an older dc) but now we hang out and I love it. Dd1 made American pancakes for breakfast on Sunday and brought them to us in bed with coffee just because she wanted to. She cooked dinner last night for us all too. She is 15 and just a wonderful human being. Dtds are hilarious and loving in equal measure but also infuriating at times.

so many people told dh that 3 DDs will be a nightmare but it’s really not.

It always makes me a bit sad that no one ever shares the good ‘just you waits’ too

Tonight, mine is ‘just you wait til the first time they tell you they love you unprompted’

I tucked my 1yo into bed tonight and she said “night night mummy, luff you” and honestly my heart nearly melted on the spot

I love being a mum

Being a parent was the best part of my life, by far.

We're nothing special and we managed and enjoyed the ride.. I'm sure you will be fine, well more than fine.

I think if I had really known how awful it would be, I wouldn’t have done it. 13 years of utter sleep deprivation, my husband and I do not get a second together alone, I can’t do the job I used to do, my house is always a tip. I think it’s good that people are being more honest online.

I'm still a newish mum but I think it is also a lot to do with what kind of person you are, how you perceive things in life, whether you are easy going,flexible..optimistic.. etc. and of course how much help you can get.. yes it is hard especially in the beginning if you ask me but it is also lovely. Everyone's experience is different.. 😬

Parenting has changed over the years good and bad.
I was a single mum from the moment my youngest was born no help from no one.

Parenting is the hardest job on the planet I had 2 but got lucky really good kids as babies toddlers not to bad but the tantrums how i got through it i dont know.
Until they became teenagers whooo it was a nightmare at times after 6 long years i saw the end of the road.
Now there both adults and moved out.
Grown in to wonderful men.
I would never ever ever go through it again.
It gets more expensive as they get older.
So pleased those days are over.
The way the world / society is today Not a chance id be a mum again.

I may have had mine young but im bloody pleased i did.
I would not have the energy now.

Depends on your child. 18 months in and out of hospital, tube feeding , on O2 24/7 wasn't a piece of piss. I love the kid but he's never been easy

Relax OP.and stop looking at social media.

No it won't be the way you describe, at all.

Unless you're completely self-absorbed and only having a child to keep up with your peers...

My advice is that you are over thinking it! You’ve decided to TTC, your partner must be up for it, you’re not going to change your mind now, no matter what anyone says to you here or on Tik Tok.

What is it they say, millions of people can’t be wrong? Just shut out the noise and take it as it comes. I have one son and I didn’t think I’d be naturally maternal but I’ve loved it so far (he’s 7). Yes he drives me mad sometimes and our lives have changed beyond recognition but I am so glad we persevered to have him (needed IVF). It would have been so easy at any point to listen to the scare stories and convince ourselves that life would be better without a child. I am sure it would indeed have been great, but for me parenthood was the right choice.

Oh man, it's just life, you just get stuck in and almost everyone would say it's so worth it. Sometimes a phase seems so difficult then all of a sudden it's over. Sometimes (often) you are faced with challenges and even though it's not exactly relaxing fun, you feel proud of yourself for getting through it and stretching yourself. Or you just feel relieved it's bedtime! You rise to the occasion... usually. Yes, you have less free time, but you become better at managing it, more ruthless about cutting out the crap, less cowed by other people or by what's hyped as "cool" - and maybe also you spend a lot of evenings scrolling on your phone because your attention span is worn to nothing after a day of responding to a toddler and you're really tired yet don't want to go to sleep yet because this is your "you time". You might wonder when you'll ever be able to do X and Y again, then also you might feel very proud and privileged to be someone's mum. Your child will say and do things which amaze and delight and amuse you (and also sometimes you will despair of how to manage them). Basically, everyone is different and nobody's experience is the same, but don't forget that (as with everything) some people puff themselves up by raining on other people's parades. What old people always say is "Enjoy it - it goes so quick".

Mine are late teens early 20's and I don't regret any of it. Best day of my life bar none the day they were born.
I have loved (nearly) every minute of being their mum.

I echo those who say not to overthink it. People will only tell you how they have found it because it won't be the same as other people.

You are never going to know what life with a baby/child/teenager/adult is going to be like until you are right there in it. There are so many factors at play it's an impossibility to predict.

My two were easy as babies, ate well, slept well, hardly had tantrums as toddlers, didn't have problems in school, always polite and chilled, no teenage angst particularly, no rebellious streaks, now independent, more uni, jobs, new social,circles, travelling. We had it it easy. We were still skint and tired of course but we were lucky to avoid major stresses in our lives.

Was it because we were older parents? Because of the area we lived in? Because of their personalities? Because they were spoiled? Because we were fantastic parents or because it's all down to pure luck of the draw. We will never know the answers to these questions. They are who they are and you cope how you cope. Some people find it easier than others, some people have more support, money, resources than others. Some babies/children are just chilled, some have additional needs, additional family stresses or other outside influences.

Just relax and get on with it. You will find your own way of dealing with whatever life throws at you. Other people's stories will have no impact on your life, because you are not them and they are not you.

It depends on your baby. I get some people who thrive on moaning about stuff in order to prove how hard they had it, like a competition. But actually, some elements of having a baby are incredibly hard and you may wish you had your 'old life' back. It also depends on you eg if you have pnd it could make even the easiest things much more difficult.

If a person is not mature enough to realise social media is not real then they shouldn't be having a child in the first place (a general statement), but one thing I notice as my years as a parent is when people tell then bad stuff they are accused of scaremongering and when they tell the good stuff it is called bragging and competing and then people complain 'OMG I a being judged' when people don't tell anything then it is 'why wasn't I told I wish I knew'

So what can people say? and does anything happen without society being blamed? as in 'society says I have to hoover 3 times a day, society says I have to dress my baby in frilly dresses'

Well. I'm less than a year in and your first paragraph is pretty bang on tbh. Like a PP said, I semi wish I paid heed to the comments or wish people were more honest but maybe I just didn't hear them.

That said, I wouldn't be without my baby now they're here and would probably do it again if I could. I guess that's why people keep having more.

Lol, you should say that!!!

I agree with your Grandma, the good outweighs the bad!

Yes, it's hard, yes your life changes. But actually a lot of those changes are because you WANT to change, not because you have to.

I love my DSs to bits, and I think they are interesting, fascinating and delightful and I LIKE them too! (Not every moment of every day, mind....lol)

What? That whilst it can hurt, there are drugs available and it’s generally 1 day out of your life, and you generally get the most amazing prize at the end of it?

I really hate women who seem to take pleasure out of telling pregnant women how hellish childbirth can be

It totally depends on so many factors how hard it is. If you have a partner who is a truly equal parent, it will be easier than if you are the one left with the mental load, lion's share of childcare, housework etc. If you have an understanding employer who is flexible it is much easier than if you don't. If you have money, it's easier than if you're poor, as you can outsource things, not worry about childcare in the holidays, not have the added stress about making ends meet and providing all of the things your kids need etc. If you have an even temperament and aren't someone who gets overwhelmed and stressed, it will be easier to deal with certain stages of childhood than someone who doesn't. If you have an involved family who help you out and you have a good relationships with it will be better than if you have toxic parents, parents who don't ever help out etc. Some people have easier kids, some kids are harder work. Some kids have challenges like ADHD or autism, so will require a different type of parenting and you will face more challenges. There are so many factors in how hard/easy being a parent is, many of which you can't plan for. Having an equal partner, good employer and being in a good place financially are things you can plan for, so if these boxes are ticked, you're already making things slightly easier for yourself and taking away some of the potential future stress.

I hated that. Its mostly bollox anyway of course you can have sex, sleep, have date nights

I’ve been a parent for 30yrs since 16. My youngest is nearly 16 and i finally am tasting what life as an adult is like. I love my kids to bits and wouldn’t change a thing, but all those things are true. I don’t think you can understand until you’re in the situation. Of course there are lots of bonuses and great times, it’s certainly not all bad. But it’s hard hard work

I'm glad people told me how hard it is, it is absolutely exhausting and yes you do sacrifice a huge amount but I think most people would also tell you that they wouldn't change it for anything. I certainly wouldn't- I am also one and done but my boy is the best thing that has ever happened to me

OMG. It is tough but, yes, get off social media as it's not helping. Before I was a mum I noticed that some of my old acquaintances had a knack for telling me about their traumatic births and post-partum nightmares. One old school friend who I hadn't seen in 25 years told me about how her DC had caused her nipples to bleed and that nobody tells you how horrific breastfeeding is and that it's like a bloodbath. That affected me a lot at the time until I spoke to close friends about their experiences. Another seemed to enjoy frightening me about having an epidural and how long the needle was. Fast-forward several years and now I have my own DCs, I realise they were both being unkind and were not being totally honest in that they should've added that every pregnancy, birth and child are not the same, even from the same parents Si whatever anyone tells you about their experience might not happen to you. If you have one child that has colic and never sleeps, your next could be totally different and sleep through from 4 weeks. Don't let these stories put you off. Parenting is hard and challenging as you will not get much time to yourself, and from birth until their about 3 it is all a bit of a blur. It's all about teamwork and tag-team parenting. Hopefully your partner won't think that you, being the mother, have to do everything. My partner is great and we share most parenting tasks and chores and I feel very supported. You're going to make a wonderful mum especially as you say you're extremely maternal. Same here and it really is the best thing in the world to have a little person with you or a mini-you.

The just you waits are fucking tedious. I have 2 Dcs and one has significant disabilities so it is relentless but I will saw without a shadow of doubt that having children is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wasn't even that maternal either beforehand.

People seem to like scaring pregnant women for some reason. When i was doing our pre birth labour ward tour (do they still do those?) a woman asked why the windows only opened a little way. The midwife said 'It's to stop women trying to kill themselves with the pain of labour' and then cackled. Fucking bitch. Wish i'd complained.

Edited to add - there's drugs for pain in labour anyway.

I was the first in my circles to have a baby.

Thank god for my cousin a few years older who gave it me straight. I was SO naive to the realities and it was (and is) hard graft.

Kids are hard work, and expensive. And just when they're delightful they become teenagers 🤣

Mine are 10 & 14 now and I definitely have got some rose tinted specs on about their early childhoods but glad we did it. But yes, my body is rather ruined, as is my career but life is bigger than either of those two things.

Recent career change means I am home much more and kids both say they love having me around in the mornings etc. I figured nobody was going to write on my gravestone that I was good at marking books and managing behaviour in a classroom 🤷‍♀️

I thought I didn't want kids. Then I'd be one and done. Had awful secondary fertility issues with #2 but so, so glad we kept going as they were destined to be here.