Worried about becoming a parent because of the ‘just you waits’

[maybemumm]

You’ll never sleep again, you’ll never have money or time for yourself/DH again. It’s the hardest thing ever, your body changes and your mental load increases tenfold. You could end up with birth trauma, childcare in the UK is extortionate, wave goodbye to cinema trips, date nights, meals out, just wait until…

Does anyone else think this is constant? Perhaps I just need to get off social media. My grandma has a big family with several children and loved every minute of raising them, even though she admits some times were hard she firmly believes the good outweighs the bad and loving her family is the secret to her old age. I guess I spend too much time browsing on here and the tiktok algorithm shows me baby and pregnancy-related videos as I must have been engaging with them more.

We have started to TTC and 95% sure we’ll be one and done. I am really maternal and can’t wait to have a whole new person: a baby, toddler, child and eventually adult. It
makes me really excited. My DH is lovely, supportive and does much more housework than me. We have lots of family support around us. Still I think some videos and posts are making me worry that it will be so hard and I will be the one sacrificing everything, which is a difficult thought to imagine when you’ve never been in that situation. I fully expect things to be hard but AIBU to hope it’ll be ok, with ability to return to work, somewhat enough money, energy and enjoyment of life individually and as a family especially as they get older?

Weigh in. Do I delete bloody Tiktok or start searching for cat videos or something, or is it a good thing that people’s eyes are opened to the realities of starting a family? 😅

In some ways I think naturally we're supposed to start having children younger than a lot of us are and one of the reasons it can be so hard is because we are getting older having them. For example when my mum was my age now, I was 19 whereas my youngest is 8. Of course we can't always have children younger for many reasons.

Get off Tik tok. You won’t have time anyway after you have a ba… nah just kidding!
start looking at positive stuff, hang your algorithm…
it’s all of it but the hood absolutely outweighs the bad.
I have a lot of friends who have no kids, double income… they have their own issues despite having more disposable income and I would swap my life for theirs in a second.

Wouldn’t swap!!!!

And yes, don't make birth plans, take all the drugs.

I was an idiot first time and wanted water and no drugs but reality soon changed that. There's no medals for doing it, so take ALL the help you can 👍

It's a bit like marriage, as long as you go into it with low expectations you'll be fine.

I think it's a good thing to be prepared for the worst. So many go in to it having no idea how tough it is!!
Look, it's a real slog, especially the baby/toddler years. I found the first few months very, very hard. It gradually got easier. By the time they're at school it's much easier. I think (for me at least) the primary school years are plain sailing. My oldest is now 13 so it's starting to get more complicated however still pretty easy. I'm bracing myself for the next few years (alcohol, boys etc).
Everyone's different though. While I struggled in the first year I have friends who said it was the happiest time of their lives. It depends on you, the temperament of your child, sleep etc.
I definitely felt I lost myself the first few years of parenting. I was kind of in survival mode and didn't have time or energy for my own hobbies. As my children have got older I feel like me again. I've started doing the things I used to do pre-kids (live music has always been my passion so I go to gigs, have weekends away with friends).
Despite the fact its hard work I've never regretted it. I've gained a real focus in my life. I love being a mum, having a family. I love watching my children grow in to their own person. It's fascinating how they're like us but also entirely themselves. I really enjoy it.

We have three and love them all to bits but it hasn't been easy because two had significant MH issues during their teens. I was woefully rubbish at dealing with it for a while. It's a sharp learning curve. I wish I could go back and do it over again.

Life is better for them both now and they are slowly forging their way, but I hold on to a lot of guilt that I haven't been a good enough mum.

My older non- kids friends seem to focus very much on work, not always to the good of their mental health, have pets that they treat like babies and quite honestly a few seem just a bit lonely.
Do they have more time and money though? Generally yes.

Blimey. Reading some of these posts makes me wonder why anyone would ever have children. But in my experience it's been amazing despite some of the tough times. My pregnancies were fabulous and I loved being pregnant. The deliveries were beautiful and the discomfort quickly forgotten.
There have been sleepless nights but that's no surprise is it?
The moments of pure joy though are endless. The moments they show you a drawing they are beyond proud of, the way they call you "mummy", the feel of their beautiful skin, their cuddles, the way they are frightened of something ridiculous but only mummy or daddy can make it all ok again, the way they look at you like you are the most amazing person in their whole world, the way your heart wants to burst watching your partner play with them, the questions they ask that will bring you to tears laughing. The positives are endless. My youngest is currently excited for a Halloween disco and the joy is infectious.
Obviously every experience is different but I think people remember the negatives. There are soooo many positives.
And one more, their gorgeous baby feet and tickling them making them giggle. Joyous.

Yes!! Me and DH have said this too. All we heard seemed to be relentless negativity. Our baby brings such joy, and we wish we'd had one sooner. Don't get me wrong, some days are hard and I've not slept a full night in months, but his cheeky little 2-toothed grin in the morning 😭. Melts my heart!

Agree there does seem to be a weird subset of people who are almost annoyed when you find it easier than them, and then it becomes "just you wait" for the next phase.

We had such low expectations of parenting as everyone said how awful it was.

We also had quite a high needs baby who didn’t sleep. We found it (and still find it) pretty great actually and not quite as bad as expected. We had no expectations of being able to pursue our own hobbies or child-free social life beyond a fairly surface level for the first few years & I think this is really key. It’s a short phase of life after all - although it really doesn’t feel like it when you’ve got a grizzling sick toddler refusing to sleep at 2am 🤦‍♀️

You go through a range of emotions pretty much every single day but they do bring you a lot of joy watching them figure out the world.

Some days are mostly magical. Some days are nearly completely horrendous. Most days fall somewhere in the middle. Some stages feel a lot more 'worth it' than others.

Saying that, I think parents can look back at their child free life with rose tinted glasses, there's a lot of daily grind pre children too. I don't live for the evenings/weekend anymore despite working 4 days a week. There's no real Friday feeling with pre schoolers imo, even though I mostly enjoy my time off with them. It's just monotonous and continuous responsibility and that can weigh heavy.

Parenting is hard work. Nobody is lying when they say those things to you. It takes its toll on your life and your relationships in ways you can’t imagine until it happens.

I think it’s a positive that it is spoken about more freely now so women go into motherhood with their eyes wide open rather than expecting some fairytale with a beautiful baby.

My children are 9 and 6 and parenting is definitely getting more pleasant and enjoyable. I don’t feel constrained by motherhood anymore so overall the house is just a happier one to be in.

Oh I HATE this. Tbf I have struggled with DD and I have made it very clear to childfree friends how hard I have found it but I don't do it in the smug "just wait!!" way. It's like they can barely contain their glee and like they want people to join them in their misery. It doesn't end once the baby is born either. I was really ill during my pregnancy and people would gleefully tell me "You think this is hard, just wait for the sleepless nights!" then when I was in the middle of sleepless nights it was "Just wait for teething!". Now she's five and it's "Just wait till she's a teenager!!"

The same people then try to get me to have a second no doubt so they can shriek "You think being pregnant and looking after a young child is hard? Just wait until you have to do the school run on 2 hours' sleep!!" The lot of them can fuck off.

Just you wait until you have that baby in your arms. It's the most wonderful feeling ever and surpasses all the green eyed monster comments.

I could have written exactly this.
I went into it expecting the worst and it has been a joy. My 3 adult DC are good people and I love being with them.

But not for every woman it isn’t. A lot of woman don’t feel love for their baby initially, don’t bond with their baby and suffer PND…..and it’s sweeping statements like yours that make this issue worse.

All it does is lead to women being made to feel like failures if they don’t experience the most “wonderful feeling ever” like you and other people imply is how all mothers should feel.

Obviously this entire post is caveated with 'not for all women':

The joy and love you and receive (and give) is so wonderful. They're so funny and cute (only yours are, though).

There is no other love like it.

Thanks everyone! These comments are really useful and mostly reassuring :-)

That’s true I guess PP was just trying to say that there are good moments to be found too

I felt like you and I was worried that I'd feel as though I'd ruined my life when I had a child. Took the plunge anyway, expecting the worst, and it is the most amazing thing I've ever done. Nothing on this earth feels as wonderful as the love I have for my child and the daily joy of getting to raise her.

I think because I expected the worst though, I was pretty well prepared for the hard stuff. So it's not always a bad thing, but don't let the 'just you waits' put you off or spoil your excitement when you do get pregnant.

Thanks so much for this :)