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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I or is DH Christmas

187 replies

SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 17:04

We have previously rotated Christmas days so one year with my family following year with DH. He only has SIL with family extended family don't get together. I have 2 sis brother lots of children. Whoever we haven't spent Christmas day with we see boxing day so see both families over Christmas.

MIL passed away early January after 6 weeks in hospital. So very difficult december for all involved. Christmas Day was at ours apart from DH and SIL visiting mil -who was ill but they weren't aware of seriousness then. Boxing day at my sister's in afternoon although DH then went to hospital in afternoon.

DH had an extremely emeshed relationship with MIL and to a certain extent SIL. He is still having counseling now 9 months later.

All families live fairly close. This year we would be due to visit my family for Christmas Dinner then boxing day with SIL her husband and two children. My Dsis is hosting and asked us to let her know by next week.

DH has then said he needs to check what SIL is doing and whether she is seeing her in laws, I said about boxing day he then said they would be going to football as they are season ticket holders, he thinks as Christmas last year doesn't count and SIL can't do boxing day we should see them Christmas day.

I feel aggrieved, I understand this year will be hard but I feel I am now doing what I have done most of my marriage with DH and MIL. He put her first the majority of the time and we still are working through this. I can see this pattern being repeated with SIL. They see each other a lot even prior to mil passing

I also think it's not my fault SIL is going to football ?

I didn't see my family much last year due to everything going on and would like a break.

Our DC love seeing either family.

Any suggestions !?

OP posts:
zurala · 24/10/2023 17:07

YANBU. It's your family this year, his next. What happened last year doesn't change that especially given you need to deal with this enmeshing.

UndercoverCop · 24/10/2023 17:09

So this is your DHs and SILs first Christmas without their mother? I'd prioritise them spending it together tbh. You can see yours boxing day, and Christmas day 2024

DustyLee123 · 24/10/2023 17:12

No, it’s your family’s turn.

Mothership4two · 24/10/2023 17:12

Personally I would give DH this one after what has been a crappy year and will probably be a difficult Christmas period. I know that is not what you want to hear.

My FIL died earlier this year in fairly similar circumstances.

category12 · 24/10/2023 17:12

See his sister on Christmas Eve? It's on the Sunday. You could maybe see them either day of the weekend.

CosyKnits · 24/10/2023 17:13

I think on balance you are unreasonable. Your DH lost his mother and wants to spend the first Christmas without his mum with his only sibling.

The rest of it is clearly a long standing issue and while you do need to deal with it, I wouldn't wrap it up with his DM's death/Christmas as however true it is, you completely undermine your case with your insensitivity (real or perceived).

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/10/2023 17:16

@SouthGate7 - I understand you have a system of turns, but that system needs to have some flexibility in it. As previous posters have said, this is going to be a very difficult Christmas for your dh and his sister, and that is a good reason to flex the system this year, and give them Christmas Day together.

I am sure your family will understand.

HappyOlz · 24/10/2023 17:17

YANBU. Perhaps this won’t be particularly kind but as a person who has always done whatever to “keep the peace”.

I would go to your sisters for Christmas with the children and leave your husband to sort himself out for Christmas Day. It’s a shame he can’t see that he’s seeing her the next day for what I’m assuming is one on one time ( please correct me if I’m wrong), so he could spend the 25th with his nuclear family. It seems that he makes rules to benefit him, not the family he created with you. I hope you get the jist of what I’m saying even if I haven’t used the correct terminology. Start to consider what makes you happy (within reason).

Whaleandsnail6 · 24/10/2023 17:18

I think this year should be up to dh and sil if they want to spend the day together. The first Christmas without loved one is hard and I think there needs to be some leeway in the turn taking system to account for that

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 24/10/2023 17:19

I'd do his family this year and then yours for 2 years running.

savethebling · 24/10/2023 17:20

Maybe a little leniency this year. First Christmas without their mum will be incredibly difficult just consider what's best for your husband this time. Going forward this is an issue to resolve but now isn't the time.

Sundaefraise · 24/10/2023 17:20

Can he go to his sisters and you go to yours? It’s a bit odd I know, but we did similar last year and it was completely fine. We saw each other in the morning and met up again at the end of the day.

DustyLee123 · 24/10/2023 17:21

SIL having a season ticket doesn’t get to dictate your Christmas

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/10/2023 17:23

I think it’s your turn. Sounds like there’s been a lot of giving from you towards his family already, and you need some time with your family.

Is either Christmas Eve or 23rd with his family an option? Then rest on Boxing Day

KrisAkabusi · 24/10/2023 17:24

His mother died. It won't be easy. I would change this year.

Terrifyingface · 24/10/2023 17:32

We had a turns system. Worked fine until Covid!

2020 was my side’s turn and it was fine because DSis still lived at home and we had a DC under 1 so had a bubble with them.

2021 we were all set to go to MIL and then DH got Covid. His final day of isolation was Xmas Day so we went to my family on Boxing Day as planned.

Cue 2022 and DH upset (not unduly) that his mum had never seen DD on Xmas. He wanted to break the cycle, my view was that I couldn’t break the order as otherwise I’d never see DSis at Xmas again (by then she’d slotted into our same routine with her in laws). MIL had had a hard year health wise and while I sympathised my dad has a long term condition and tbh for either of them there’s no guarantees on the following Xmas.

Our compromise was that last year I gave up full Christmas in favour of my entirely patched together ‘Scandi Christmas’. So we did 22, 23 and Xmas Eve with my family and did our traditional Christmas dinner late on Xmas night. DH didn’t get too tipsy and then the next morning we set off (with me feeling shocking 😂) to MIL’s at 6am on xmas day. So MIL got us at 8.30am and essentially had the whole day with us.

This year MIL is getting us Xmas day proper with my side getting Boxing Day and then next year (god willing!) we’re back to the plan.

Any chance you could do similar?

ginasevern · 24/10/2023 17:36

@SouthGate7

YANBU. The football bit would really get up my nose too.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 17:40

CosyKnits · 24/10/2023 17:13

I think on balance you are unreasonable. Your DH lost his mother and wants to spend the first Christmas without his mum with his only sibling.

The rest of it is clearly a long standing issue and while you do need to deal with it, I wouldn't wrap it up with his DM's death/Christmas as however true it is, you completely undermine your case with your insensitivity (real or perceived).

I don't have insensitivy just feel completely ground down by it all. If I suggested two Christmas days in a row with my family it wouldn't happen. I feel I have bent over so much over last 20 years and this is now going same way.

We could see SIL Christmas morning for breakfast then dinner at my families. I suggested this the issue then arose because SIL has a football ticket boxing day so won't be aroumd majority of it 🤦‍♀️. I don't feel that's mine to work aroumd

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 17:43

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/10/2023 17:23

I think it’s your turn. Sounds like there’s been a lot of giving from you towards his family already, and you need some time with your family.

Is either Christmas Eve or 23rd with his family an option? Then rest on Boxing Day

This is how I feel and I gave nearly suffered a lot of breakdown this year. I have helped did the probate,helped clear house, sorted all bills paperwork etc -not much thanks but I get that.

DH has become even more selfish really making sure he is'kind' to himself playing sports seeing friends etc. As advised by counsellor I have been lumbered with everything esle

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 24/10/2023 17:44

Tell dh he can spend it with sil. It won't be a great Christmas for your dc I bet with the first year without mil. Suggest you take dc to your family out of the way.. . Let them mourn mil in private.. Label it as you doing him a favour..

Elvis1956 · 24/10/2023 17:45

Wow I can't believe the lack of sympathy for the poor bloke. His mum died less than a year ago. Cut him some slack. He's not going to be having a great Christmas without his mum around. Op you need understand the pain he's going through, so what if he's still getting counciling, I wish I had when my mum died, it really screwed me up.
so just once, be flexible. I understand the frustration about the football, but given the price of tickets, especially for the big clubs I can understand why sil wants to go

AutumIsOrange · 24/10/2023 17:45

Mothership4two · 24/10/2023 17:12

Personally I would give DH this one after what has been a crappy year and will probably be a difficult Christmas period. I know that is not what you want to hear.

My FIL died earlier this year in fairly similar circumstances.

Edited

I agree with this. It’s a one off, let them have this year and back to your family next.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/10/2023 17:47

It’s fine for him to be “kind to himself” as long as you get to be kind to yourself too.

Also I would take with a pinch of salt anything someone else tells you their counsellor has said

Soffii87 · 24/10/2023 17:48

Could his SIL come to yours?

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 17:49

If SIL is on her own then I understand your Dh's concern. If she has company on Christmas day then there is nothing to be concerned about.

If SIL is on her own why doesn't your Dsis invite her? There is always room for another. Ask Mrs Malone.

In all of this your DSis is being unreasonable. She does not need to know by next week.