Am I or is DH Christmas

[SouthGate7]

We have previously rotated Christmas days so one year with my family following year with DH. He only has SIL with family extended family don't get together. I have 2 sis brother lots of children. Whoever we haven't spent Christmas day with we see boxing day so see both families over Christmas.

MIL passed away early January after 6 weeks in hospital. So very difficult december for all involved. Christmas Day was at ours apart from DH and SIL visiting mil -who was ill but they weren't aware of seriousness then. Boxing day at my sister's in afternoon although DH then went to hospital in afternoon.

DH had an extremely emeshed relationship with MIL and to a certain extent SIL. He is still having counseling now 9 months later.

All families live fairly close. This year we would be due to visit my family for Christmas Dinner then boxing day with SIL her husband and two children. My Dsis is hosting and asked us to let her know by next week.

DH has then said he needs to check what SIL is doing and whether she is seeing her in laws, I said about boxing day he then said they would be going to football as they are season ticket holders, he thinks as Christmas last year doesn't count and SIL can't do boxing day we should see them Christmas day.

I feel aggrieved, I understand this year will be hard but I feel I am now doing what I have done most of my marriage with DH and MIL. He put her first the majority of the time and we still are working through this. I can see this pattern being repeated with SIL. They see each other a lot even prior to mil passing

I also think it's not my fault SIL is going to football ?

I didn't see my family much last year due to everything going on and would like a break.

Our DC love seeing either family.

Any suggestions !?

I'd tell my DH that if his DSis chooses football over family on Boxing Day, that's her prerogative. She may be 'in grief' but apparently not grief-stricken enough to forego one football game to be with her grieving brother. I'd offer to get together on Christmas Eve or the following New Year's weekend, but that it was my family's turn for Christmas this year.

We lost my beloved dad (years ago) in September. Only 3 months later we had a good and (mostly) happy Christmas. Yes, there were a few tears and the sharing of memories but we still managed more smiles than tears. And that's the way Dad would have wanted it.

I would just book in with your sister tbh and then tell him he can come with you and see SIL Christmas eve or the morning on Boxing day or spend the day with SIL on his own Christmas day.
Last year does count, his pov is incredibly selfish, don't let him bulldoze you again or it will never end.

I’d also let him have this one given the bereavement, and go to your family Boxing Day. But strictly back to every other

If its at home she has been sometimes she hasn't depending on what she feels

@TomatoSandwiches i think unfortunately it's not the right time but I feel I have always been bulldozed and now just angry that again there's no consideration at all for anyome esle

Why don't you all just have Christmas together?

It's not up to me to ask my sister to invite sil and family. They have had mil in previous years

We have

Sil clearly doesn't want too as she's going to the footy.
What if something happens to ops mum or dad?

Op say what happened to his mum is brining home how precious these times are and it counted to you and you will be spending Xmas with your family end of

Too much time
spemy thinking about sil when she clearly has her own plans anyway. .

This is a husband problem not a sil one .
You nee to stand up to him and go to your Parker’s with the kids let him decide where he would rather be .
Myahe ok the new year you can decide if this marriage is working for you .
Sounds like he puts himself before the family.
Give him the choice at Xmas what he does will tell you everything .
If he does go to your Parents make a stand that he doesn’t do it miserable and ruin it for everyone .

I don't think it's "enmeshed" to want to spend the first Christmas without your mum with your sister...

No, but it also doesn't mean he's not enmeshed (when combined with other behaviour).

This isn't but other behaviours are, it isn't just grief counselling hes having it's anxiety and emeshed behaviours.

Texting and calling each every day, despite living 10 minutes away, seeing each other on school runs etc. Making out they don't see each other much. Having to check what his sister is doing/if its OK with her before any commitments. This is just a surface glimpse of what life was like with MIL too

To be honest I think it sounds like the kids would be better spending it as planned at your family’s. You said upthread there’d likely be lots of tears and upset (understandably) between DH and SIL and I think the kids have also gone through a loss and it’s only fair to try and give them a happier Xmas than last year. They don’t need to be sat sullen with all the grown ups in bits.

Your husband can go and spend time with his sister if that’s what he needs this year. And if I’m being honest if sister is already firm in her plans without a flex then i don’t see why your entire family has to bend to suit? She’s obviously ok enough to be making her own plans for how she’s doing Christmas moving forward.

This

I think this might be the option really. They have had a tough start to year and home life hasn't been great so it might be a suggestion I make. Although dh wouldbt allow it Idont think

It's really sad you feel so angry about Christmas arrangements. It sounds as though whatever is decided, you and your husband will both be angry and upset on the day and resentful of whatever has been arranged.
I would want to help your husband cope with his first Christmas without his mother, but not want to have the children have a miserable Christmas with lots of adult reminiscences and tears. If you explain this to DH, and suggest he sees his DS and then comes across to your sister's to join you and DC after he has seen them as this would be better for your children would he accept it? He has to take some responsibility for ensuring his own children have a good Christmas. Maybe you could invite SIL family to a brunch before the football?
I don't really know how you solve this but the overriding emotions in your replies are anger and resentment, rather than any love and concern for your husband. I feel you need to let some of this go or your marriage won't last beyond Christmas.

My mum and dad had this problem. My dad was enmeshed with his mother. After years of frustration on my mum's part it all came to the head the night after my brother's funeral. He had died unexpectedly and we were all distraught. That night my grandmother called my father and told him that he needed to come stay with her because she was upset. He was going to go and leave my mother alone grieving for her dead son.

Mum told my dad that if he went to stay with her he could stay there forever and she would be filing for divorce the next day. He wisely chose to stay with his wife.

The moral of the story is don't let it get that far. Yes, your dh is grieving, but grief doesn't mean that he gets to put his wife second. If he is allowed to transfer his enmeshment to his sister, you will never come first, and a wife has the right to come first in her husband's life.

It's not anger aboit Christmas itself just the lack of acknowledgment about any body esles feelings. I asked about Christmas a month ago too to not leave it till last minute but it's not fair to say last year was a right off. And I have had many years of bending over to accommodate him and his family but yes our marriage isn't in a good place at all.

Thank you for understanding and i am sorry for your loss.

Its his first Christmas without his mum. It will be incredibly difficult for him.

Yabvu.

My MIL died in February. I told DH we'd do whatever he wants this Christmas even though I really want to spend it with my family as it's my baby's first Christmas.

But I thought it will be a hard day for him and it's not about me. We'll have plenty more Christmases but this is a particularly sad one for him so he should do whatever gives him the most comfort.

Go to your sister's. For my lovely Mum we had a feeling it might be her last Christmas (cancer) for my lovely MIL we had no idea that the last Christmas was indeed her last Christmas.

So on that basis alone, spend your Christmas with the people you actually want to spend it with. It is the turn of your family. Go there.

Your SIL is prioritising the footbal on Boxing Day so she can make arrangements to see you all either Christmas eve or 27th or whenever she is free after that. You are always coming third, now you are coming second, so choose to put yourself first. Go be with your Mum who has lost her Dad.

I would really let it slide, its there first Christmas without there mum. Stop being selfish, would you not want the same consideration for yourself if it was vice versa?

You’re making this all about you and aren’t coming across well. It seems to be all about what you want you and to hell with anyone else.

DH and SIL lost their mother. Of course he doesn’t want to leave her alone. Plus he will probably struggle being around a big group without her. My ex husband would’ve struggled to have had Christmas with my family a few months after his mum died, it was all too raw and reminded him of what he’d lost.

Why don’t you host for everyone but get everyone to help? Someone cooks the main, someone else desert, and someone else on clearing up duty.

You sound very bitter about things, it doesn’t always work out that you spend one year with one and one with the other. I didn’t spend Christmas Day with my family for about eight years when I was married. It’s about compromise