Page 8 | Am I or is DH Christmas

SouthGate7 · 2023-10-24T16:04:18+00:00

We have previously rotated Christmas days so one year with my family following year with DH. He only has SIL with family extended family don't get together. I have 2 sis brother lots of children. Whoever we haven't spent Christmas day with we see boxing day so see both families over Christmas. MIL passed away early January after 6 weeks in hospital. So very difficult december for all involved. Christmas Day was at ours apart from DH and SIL visiting mil -who was ill but they weren't aware of seriousness then. Boxing day at my sister's in afternoon although DH then went to hospital in afternoon. DH had an extremely emeshed relationship with MIL and to a certain extent SIL. He is still having counseling now 9 months later. All families live fairly close. This year we would be due to visit my family for Christmas Dinner then boxing day with SIL her husband and two children. My Dsis is hosting and asked us to let her know by next week. DH has then said he needs to check what SIL is doing and whether she is seeing her in laws, I said about boxing day he then said they would be going to football as they are season ticket holders, he thinks as Christmas last year doesn't count and SIL can't do boxing day we should see them Christmas day. I feel aggrieved, I understand this year will be hard but I feel I am now doing what I have done most of my marriage with DH and MIL. He put her first the majority of the time and we still are working through this. I can see this pattern being repeated with SIL. They see each other a lot even prior to mil passing I also think it's not my fault SIL is going to football ? I didn't see my family much last year due to everything going on and would like a break. Our DC love seeing either family. Any suggestions !?

Tarmaced · 27/10/2023 15:33

This! 👍

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 27/10/2023 15:43

SnotFace88 · 27/10/2023 08:13

OP I'd stop reading these replies now and just go with what you know would make you and the kids happiest on Christmas and that's go to your sisters.

You know that on paper, the situation doesn't read in your favour but I've read all your comments and I think it's clear that it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

If you don't do what he wants, you're the heartless spouse who wouldn't enable bereaved siblings to spend their first Christmas together in the fashion to which they've become accustomed (i.e. you do the Cinderella host, cook, clean, simper routine all day). You'll also be shock horror face badly thought of by DH, SIL and all these YABU voting strangers on MumsNet who don't know you.

If you do go along with it, you'll hate it. You'll do the Cinderella routine all day for what will be little to no thanks from DH or SIL because like a lot of people here, they don't think any other circumstances should be taken into account, it's just a case of DH and SIL have the trump card and that takes precedence and you should WANT to do this for them. You'll be seething with resentment all day, I'm sure you'll do everything you can not to let it affect the kids but it's not easy to keep that hidden. What will you get at the end of it? Be thought of any better? Doesn't seem like it, it's just expected by DH and SIL that you should want to do this. Will it improve any of the major concerns you have re your DHs recent and more recurrent behaviours? Again, unlikely as you appear to have acquiesced for years for little to no benefit other than an easier life with DH. So is the only thing you get out of doing this the "I was morally right today" gold badge? It's seems like you've collected plenty of those over the years to the detriment of your happiness and I'm guessing, special occasions and moments with your own family.

So, I say stick to the plan and go to your sisters.
Tell DH that you are sticking to the plan, SIL will have to adjust her Boxing Day football plans if being with DH over Christmas is that important. They can't claim that family is the most important thing if it means trampling on your family's time so SIL can keep her football match plans.
Alternatively, he can host them himself at your house, maybe even offer him a complimentary shopping list of everything he'll need to buy and cook for them.

@SnotFace88 yes this what I will be putting forward. But i have done many years and occasions of puting myself last.
I have supported sil and dh for past 11 months.

OP posts:

SnotFace88 · 27/10/2023 16:04

Good for you! I hope you and the kids will have a wonderful Christmas xx

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 16:05

SouthGate7 · 27/10/2023 15:43

@SnotFace88 yes this what I will be putting forward. But i have done many years and occasions of puting myself last.
I have supported sil and dh for past 11 months.

Show quote history

For 20 years you have given in op and not once has it sounded as if either your husband nor his family appreciate your sacrifice so really it is OK to stand up and say you are done now. You absolutely have the right to put yourself and the children first above two very self centered adults for once.

I hope you and the children have a lovely time at your sisters and good luck for the New Year

Tarmaced · 27/10/2023 16:38

Your SIL just isn't willing to compromise AT ALL, is she?!

I have a similar experience with my DH & his family being prioritised over me and mine and totally understand how frustrating it is.😡

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 27/10/2023 17:04

Tarmaced · 27/10/2023 16:38

Your SIL just isn't willing to compromise AT ALL, is she?!

I have a similar experience with my DH & his family being prioritised over me and mine and totally understand how frustrating it is.😡

@Tarmaced its horrendous and been going on too long. But part of unhealthy habits between them all. It's just ingrown in them and I have tough decision to make as i cant remember continue much longer.

Best wishes to you

OP posts:

Tarmaced · 27/10/2023 17:08

@SouthGate7 Yep. Same re timescale, it kind of just creeps up on you I think - it did me, certainly.
Doesn't help that my family aren't local, so because his are literally around all the time, they sort of built up a hierarchy.

JessicaFletcherMSW · 01/11/2023 12:02

DaisyMaisyFaisy · 25/10/2023 14:10

You’re making this all about you and aren’t coming across well. It seems to be all about what you want you and to hell with anyone else.

DH and SIL lost their mother. Of course he doesn’t want to leave her alone. Plus he will probably struggle being around a big group without her. My ex husband would’ve struggled to have had Christmas with my family a few months after his mum died, it was all too raw and reminded him of what he’d lost.

Why don’t you host for everyone but get everyone to help? Someone cooks the main, someone else desert, and someone else on clearing up duty.

You sound very bitter about things, it doesn’t always work out that you spend one year with one and one with the other. I didn’t spend Christmas Day with my family for about eight years when I was married. It’s about compromise

Comes across totally the opposite of this to me.

op, Sounds to me like you’ve spent your whole marriage being way too empathetic to your DH and his family because of your own trauma. We had that dynamic in our marriage and I got to the same point as you. When you get there often is at times of sorrow for that side of the family because they ask for one thing too many for you and you hit a wall and have no more to give. I will say that when my parent died I was surprised at how much it impacted me as an adult with my own DH and kids. But I never thought that ever gave me emotional top trumps.

I had recently some EMDR which has helped me with my trauma - hit the spots that traditional talking therapy couldn’t help me get to. And I’ve changed. I’m no longer falling off a cliff after a life time of prioritising others emotions over mine (common survival tactic in adults who used this to make it through a chaotic rollercoaster traumatic childhood, especially if there were periods where things were actually ok but also the possibility at any moment it wouldn’t be). It was hard for my DH as I was no longer willing to do what I had always done but he never wanted the emeshment with his parents deep down himself - he had as much trauma as me to unpackage in a different way. So we were lucky to find each other but he was accidentally putting everyone else including himself before me every time things got a bit tough and that had to stop. He’s been amazing and told me that he’d need some time to catch up but he wanted us to make these changes together. In a lot of ways, he’s leapfrogged me and found the changes easier. But and it’s a big but, he was willing to do it… but only like pp has said happened for their parents when he realised I was not willing to stay in our marriage without this change.

I have ended up with physical illness that would have killed me by now without the wonders of modern medicine and the root cause of all of them is the strain of the survival strategies I used to survive my childhood that I couldn’t stop when I became an adult. EDMR is wonderful - a couple of good books are the body keeps the score and recovering your inner child.

my own family probably think similarly to the pp I’ve quoted in terms of how my DH and I have boundaried his parents - but I’ve told them it was killing me and that unlike my family (who have -relatively - happily accommodated the changes we wanted with my side of family after the EMDR ) his family wouldn’t so boundaries were actually needed. Unsurprisingly my parents ended up seeing the parallels with the dynamic they had with both sets of their parents. They made different choices and allowed the enmeshment to continue until death stopped it (easier to allow as only children) but in my opinion took the strain on within their marriage and their own health (one of my parent’s were sectioned with mental health issues) and therefore also at my sibling’s and my cost - ever though they were also wonderful amazing loving parents.

TanquerayTickles · 01/11/2023 16:15

I'm going to start this by saying that I lost my Mum very suddenly and unexpectedly in May this year so am in the midst of what seems to be unending grief and a little bit broken.

I totally get that there is a lot of history here both with your Husband and his family and with your own childhood. Those issues are absolutely something that needs to be dealt with, you shouldn't be a doormat for anyone and I don't want to diminish that at all.

Having said that, trust me when I say this is not the year to do it. If I were you I would look at this Christmas objectively, as a stand alone event, without all the history and turns surrounding it. Look at it as a year where your Husband lost his Mum and getting him through what is going to be an awful time with as little pain as possible is a priority as a family.

If my Husband told me he didn't want to/wouldn't be spending this particular Christmas day with me, my Dad and my Brother, our first one since losing Mum, as it wasn't my 'turn', I honestly would never forgive him. I would be heartbroken, more than I already am, to be away from my Dad and Brother this Christmas, the can't breathe sort of upset. To have to fight for it would break me completely.

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 01/11/2023 20:43

TanquerayTickles · 01/11/2023 16:15

I'm going to start this by saying that I lost my Mum very suddenly and unexpectedly in May this year so am in the midst of what seems to be unending grief and a little bit broken.

I totally get that there is a lot of history here both with your Husband and his family and with your own childhood. Those issues are absolutely something that needs to be dealt with, you shouldn't be a doormat for anyone and I don't want to diminish that at all.

Having said that, trust me when I say this is not the year to do it. If I were you I would look at this Christmas objectively, as a stand alone event, without all the history and turns surrounding it. Look at it as a year where your Husband lost his Mum and getting him through what is going to be an awful time with as little pain as possible is a priority as a family.

If my Husband told me he didn't want to/wouldn't be spending this particular Christmas day with me, my Dad and my Brother, our first one since losing Mum, as it wasn't my 'turn', I honestly would never forgive him. I would be heartbroken, more than I already am, to be away from my Dad and Brother this Christmas, the can't breathe sort of upset. To have to fight for it would break me completely.

@TanquerayTickles i am sorry for your loss.

I haven't laid down any untilmatums With DH or said he can't see his own sister but just requested Christmas lunch with my family

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 02/11/2023 14:02

JessicaFletcherMSW · 01/11/2023 12:02

Comes across totally the opposite of this to me.

op, Sounds to me like you’ve spent your whole marriage being way too empathetic to your DH and his family because of your own trauma. We had that dynamic in our marriage and I got to the same point as you. When you get there often is at times of sorrow for that side of the family because they ask for one thing too many for you and you hit a wall and have no more to give. I will say that when my parent died I was surprised at how much it impacted me as an adult with my own DH and kids. But I never thought that ever gave me emotional top trumps.

I had recently some EMDR which has helped me with my trauma - hit the spots that traditional talking therapy couldn’t help me get to. And I’ve changed. I’m no longer falling off a cliff after a life time of prioritising others emotions over mine (common survival tactic in adults who used this to make it through a chaotic rollercoaster traumatic childhood, especially if there were periods where things were actually ok but also the possibility at any moment it wouldn’t be). It was hard for my DH as I was no longer willing to do what I had always done but he never wanted the emeshment with his parents deep down himself - he had as much trauma as me to unpackage in a different way. So we were lucky to find each other but he was accidentally putting everyone else including himself before me every time things got a bit tough and that had to stop. He’s been amazing and told me that he’d need some time to catch up but he wanted us to make these changes together. In a lot of ways, he’s leapfrogged me and found the changes easier. But and it’s a big but, he was willing to do it… but only like pp has said happened for their parents when he realised I was not willing to stay in our marriage without this change.

I have ended up with physical illness that would have killed me by now without the wonders of modern medicine and the root cause of all of them is the strain of the survival strategies I used to survive my childhood that I couldn’t stop when I became an adult. EDMR is wonderful - a couple of good books are the body keeps the score and recovering your inner child.

my own family probably think similarly to the pp I’ve quoted in terms of how my DH and I have boundaried his parents - but I’ve told them it was killing me and that unlike my family (who have -relatively - happily accommodated the changes we wanted with my side of family after the EMDR ) his family wouldn’t so boundaries were actually needed. Unsurprisingly my parents ended up seeing the parallels with the dynamic they had with both sets of their parents. They made different choices and allowed the enmeshment to continue until death stopped it (easier to allow as only children) but in my opinion took the strain on within their marriage and their own health (one of my parent’s were sectioned with mental health issues) and therefore also at my sibling’s and my cost - ever though they were also wonderful amazing loving parents.

Show quote history

@JessicaFletcherMSW thank you for this post. I am pleased your relationship is going on the right direction. I will look at EMDR for myself. I haven't had any therapy for a long time apart from Feb but that was to help cope with DH she what was going on

OP posts:

Anna8089 · 25/12/2023 18:02

This.