Am I or is DH Christmas

[SouthGate7]

We have previously rotated Christmas days so one year with my family following year with DH. He only has SIL with family extended family don't get together. I have 2 sis brother lots of children. Whoever we haven't spent Christmas day with we see boxing day so see both families over Christmas.

MIL passed away early January after 6 weeks in hospital. So very difficult december for all involved. Christmas Day was at ours apart from DH and SIL visiting mil -who was ill but they weren't aware of seriousness then. Boxing day at my sister's in afternoon although DH then went to hospital in afternoon.

DH had an extremely emeshed relationship with MIL and to a certain extent SIL. He is still having counseling now 9 months later.

All families live fairly close. This year we would be due to visit my family for Christmas Dinner then boxing day with SIL her husband and two children. My Dsis is hosting and asked us to let her know by next week.

DH has then said he needs to check what SIL is doing and whether she is seeing her in laws, I said about boxing day he then said they would be going to football as they are season ticket holders, he thinks as Christmas last year doesn't count and SIL can't do boxing day we should see them Christmas day.

I feel aggrieved, I understand this year will be hard but I feel I am now doing what I have done most of my marriage with DH and MIL. He put her first the majority of the time and we still are working through this. I can see this pattern being repeated with SIL. They see each other a lot even prior to mil passing

I also think it's not my fault SIL is going to football ?

I didn't see my family much last year due to everything going on and would like a break.

Our DC love seeing either family.

Any suggestions !?

Not all bereavement reactions are the same though. Not at all. Difficult relationships can result in a complex grief reaction.

And you can tell the ones who have been taken advantage off because they've given in the majority of the time.

Ops mother is grieving this year as well and over a much more recent passing.
I would prioritise her over DH and his sister ( who is so traumatised she's distracting herself with a football game 🙄 )

Op you don't need your husbands agreement to plan something, he isn't your boss, make it what you want and leave him to his own devices.

@PizzaInThePiazza thank you for this. I guess this is what i am trying to write but not very well. Counselling helped initially in the weeks after mil passed but the dynamics have changed a lot. DH has changed and not for the better. He has become more selfish and rightly so wants the children to be ok and priorities them. However our relationship has and is not right and I know i should be much more empathetic. But i am resentful or some of the time I have wasted. But because I met DH very young he was a constant that stuck too.

We love each other but i think safe to say he doesn't really care about me like a husband should either. We have tough decisions to make as Christmas is just another disagreememt

I 🤔 the is true too

Sorry but you sound extremely selfish, my dad passed away 11yrs ago, it still hurts now having Christmas without him! You can’t compare losing a grandfather (although it’s still truly awful) to losing a parent and I can’t honestly believe your trying to compare the two of them.

his mum passed away less than a year ago and your honestly choosing now to battle about Christmas plans?

i actually think he has a valid point, this year should be his year, his mother was clearly very ill last Christmas so he obviously didn’t get much of a break either, going up and down to the hospital especially at that time of year is exhausting! I went up to my dad three times a day and he was in hospital for months!

you came on here and asked for opinions, a lot of people have said you should accept that his family will come first this year due to the loss and it being there first Christmas without there mum, however you’ve only listened to the people on here who are insisting he’s apparently no longer allowed to grieve and should be over it by now!

you both don’t sound very happy with each other, I would be devastated if I was in your DH situation and was told “naa you got to see your family last Christmas it’s my turn now” umm no, he was going to visit his poorly mother in hospital most of last Christmas or does that get forgotten about? He and his family probably couldn’t rest easy or actually have a good time because they might have been on edge waiting for the phone..

yes he should have this year, it makes no difference if his sister has in-laws/a husband? It’s not the same as having a brother/dad etc there with you who can completely understand the loss of a loved one in this way..

Personally, I'd be happy to switch back to his year for this one and stand my ground the following year.

But we don't have this system in place, which really does cause a lot of arguments I feel. Both our families stay at home for Christmas Day and then work together to make it work for the rest of the season.

Your feelings are likely very justified, but I also can't imagine caring that it was ''my turn'' the year following a parental death.

You and the kids to your family and him to his sister's this year, would keep the rotation in place

I am not insisting his grief is over but you are missing the complexity and like I have explained no it's not a happy relationship. However if sil doesn't or won't forgoe a football match how is that fair either ?

My children had a pretty crappy December too which I won't be repeating.
You clearly haven't read all my replies regarding my family amf grandad

It absolutely makes a difference she has her own children to consider too husband

Tbh you can tell the difference between people who have lost someone close and those that haven't.

Let him have this one OP.

I got piled on for saying that but you definitely can.

@blossomtoes

I think everyone deals with grief differently. How could you tell from replies who has lost anyone and what it means

@SouthGate7 i have read your replies, hence me saying losing a grandparent is nowhere near like losing a parent..

I lost my grandfather before losing my dad, it in no way compared to the hurt I felt when losing my dad, I loved my grandfather obviously! Adored him, but it completely hit me differently..

your family should surely understand him wanting to see his family this year instead of them? Considering you mentioned your mum lost her dad.. (your grandfather) if I’m correct, she should be more than accommodating and understanding to the fact that yes, this year his family will naturally want to be together on there first Christmas after the loss.

yes the children understandably had a shitty December, your husband didn’t ask for his mum to pass away at that time of year? He didn’t ask to have to go up and down to the hospital? He didn’t ask for the complex situation between him and his mother either did he? Because who would ask for all these things exactly?

your kids will still equally have a good time, you can’t hide them from grief, it’s normal for people to show emotions, if that means your husband or SIL having a cry then so be it, the kids will understand that they are naturally missing someone🤷‍♀️

also the football, if they are season ticket holders then they quite clearly attend a lot of the football games, I don’t really see a huge issue just for this year to allow this tbh, they need each other right now.. I think it’s nice there giving each other the support.

Because those people who understand the pain of losing someone close, particularly a parent, expressed empathy with your bloke. It’s not about how you deal with grief, everyone who’s ever really felt it knows it’s like having a layer of skin removed, those who haven’t just don’t get it.

@CrazyHedgehogLover i don't think you have.

There has never been any pressure from my adoptrd parents despite them seeing and believing I have been treated second best by DH for years. And actually the complex relationship can be helped by both him and his mother and sister. It was never addressed despite him since saying it wasn't right. Hence 9 months plus of therapy trying to unpick his lifetime of unhealthy relationships with his family. If his mother still here this would not have changed

Equally I didn't ask to be put in the position I havd been years and my children didn't either.

My mother has not put any pressure on me regarding Christmas.

DH doesng have a season ticket

@BIossomtoes not all of them

Like I said, if you haven’t experienced it, you don’t get it.

I have experienced it but I don't get it now. Both my natural parents are dead and i attended my dad's funeral. It's simply not true to say that everyone who has a loss is the same

I replied earlier in the thread about the Christmas issue, but I suspect that isn't the real problem here OP, it seems to be a bit of a symptom of a much bigger unresolved issue.

With kindness, it reads to me that you are looking to blame your SIL for this situation (because of the football issue), you've blamed your MIL for the last 20 years as the reason you've been put second place by DH, but ultimately the only one doing all of that is your husband, HE is the one you should be taking issue with, HE is the one responsible for making you feel second best, but everything you've said about your relationship is that you seem to let him, and what he says goes.. and you don't seem to have tried to put a stop to it or change how things are in the last 20 years, you've just put up with it till now? Maybe you thought you had no choice, but you did, you always have, and by making excuses for him, the actually underlying problem is still there even though MIL has now gone, except now you've got 20 years of resentment to boot.

Did you think after MIL passed that he might become more emotionally available? and you feel cheated that instead of choosing to focus on you and you're family now, he's just switched to prioritising his sister? if that's the case it's fully understandable why you feel so unhappy, I would too, maybe deep down you believe it's their influence on him that makes him this way, but it could be that's just who he is, if he's as selfish as you say in subsequent posts then it's time YOU started putting yourself and the kids first, even after his therapy to address the issues that he now recognises are unhealthy, the only thing he seems to be interested in is focusing on himself and his own happiness, so you may have to come to terms with the fact that he may never be the person you need him to be, he's a product of his upbringing just like you are and maybe he can't or doesn't want to change, but he needs to know how you really feel.

I think you need to give him his year of firsts to come to terms with life without his mum, but at the same time, if you really don't agree with his plans and think he's being unreasonable, then start taking yourself and the kids off to do what you want to do, life's too short and family time IS precious. You deserve to enjoy your life and you deserve to be happy, don't let another 20 years pass you by before you do anything to change it.

I would go to my sisters. He can prioritise his family another day, but not Boxing Day as his sister isn’t prioritising him. Also, expecting you to cancel your family Christmas year and host when you don’t want to is shit. If we were negotiating this my Dh would be hosting if he said he really wanted this. I hear your deep seated resentment and wish you luck in putting yourself first more and modelling healthy behaviours to your children.

I don't think your DH and SIL should get to simultaneously say that this year they need to be together AND this special football match is too important to miss. How is the football more important than you getting to see your family when it's your year?

If they're likely to be openly crying and dwelling on MIL's death, that is another reason to stay away. That's a miserable way for anyone to spend Christmas. If seeing SIL's family before Christmas is unacceptable, then I'd suggest DH go visit her on Christmas while you and the children go to your family.

Thank you yes this ia how i feel.

OP I am a year on from an awful year losing one of my parents with horrid family shit stirred up. I fell apart completely, never happened to me before, and am being kind to me now, having counselling etc.(don't know if I can ever cook Xmas Dinner on Xmas day again)
Been carried through completely by DP, as you have done.
Literally yesterday had an open chat with DP who admitted the toll its taking on him too.
It doesn't just affect the immediate family,
Set your boundaries to a fair compromise for you , possibly split day as you suggested.
Then build on those boundaries/ thoughts to sort the rest in January.
You need tlc and family support too
Good luck

Having a loss and losing someone very close who you love dearly aren’t synonymous. I’m sorry to be so blunt but your adoptive parents are still alive, you haven’t experienced a loss in any way comparable to your bloke losing his mum.

@blossomtoes

My adoptive parents from 11. Not birth. You are making all the wrong sorts of assumptions and generalising again. Burying your father at 11 isnt something I recommend.
Your lumping people together.

And i lost a whole childhood whilst DH had very normal upbringing. I have never had any thought or empathy regarding this so perhaps that's why I lack the understanding you state

it might be a suggestion I make. Although dh wouldbt allow it Idont think

And what shape or form would him not allowing it take? Just go to your family with your kids and leave him with his sister