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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I or is DH Christmas

187 replies

SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 17:04

We have previously rotated Christmas days so one year with my family following year with DH. He only has SIL with family extended family don't get together. I have 2 sis brother lots of children. Whoever we haven't spent Christmas day with we see boxing day so see both families over Christmas.

MIL passed away early January after 6 weeks in hospital. So very difficult december for all involved. Christmas Day was at ours apart from DH and SIL visiting mil -who was ill but they weren't aware of seriousness then. Boxing day at my sister's in afternoon although DH then went to hospital in afternoon.

DH had an extremely emeshed relationship with MIL and to a certain extent SIL. He is still having counseling now 9 months later.

All families live fairly close. This year we would be due to visit my family for Christmas Dinner then boxing day with SIL her husband and two children. My Dsis is hosting and asked us to let her know by next week.

DH has then said he needs to check what SIL is doing and whether she is seeing her in laws, I said about boxing day he then said they would be going to football as they are season ticket holders, he thinks as Christmas last year doesn't count and SIL can't do boxing day we should see them Christmas day.

I feel aggrieved, I understand this year will be hard but I feel I am now doing what I have done most of my marriage with DH and MIL. He put her first the majority of the time and we still are working through this. I can see this pattern being repeated with SIL. They see each other a lot even prior to mil passing

I also think it's not my fault SIL is going to football ?

I didn't see my family much last year due to everything going on and would like a break.

Our DC love seeing either family.

Any suggestions !?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 24/10/2023 19:05

UndercoverCop · 24/10/2023 17:09

So this is your DHs and SILs first Christmas without their mother? I'd prioritise them spending it together tbh. You can see yours boxing day, and Christmas day 2024

Edited

this is what I'd have suggested too.

Maddy70 · 24/10/2023 19:05

Boxing day matches are a special occasion in football households BTW.

See them on Xmas day and your family boxing day or have them all over to yours Xmas day

You could have some for Xmas Dinner then a v
Buffet later on with everyone

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 19:08

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 18:42

Dis needs to know numbers now because ordering a turkey for 16 rather than13 would be unthinkable - unlikely as it is, it is possible

DSis is entertaining 16 but there is no way a 17th could be invited, unlikely as that is, it is possible.

For what it is worth, and to me it is worth a lot, is your SIL on her own? Sorry if I missed your answer, but if you chose not to answer that, well.....
I realise she is going to the football on Boxing day, you keep on saying that, but what is SIL doing on Christmas day?

Luckily, you just remembered your trump card, the children will be unhappy at SIL. I'm glad you remembered that. It has confirmed my view that you should go to your sister's, it but has also confirmed my view you are an unreasonable woman.

No sorry she wouldn't be on her own she has a husband and two children thry normally see their in laws over Christmas too.

My disis would be catering for another 4 not one

OP posts:
Tarmaced · 24/10/2023 19:09

Stand your ground OP!

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 19:14

TomatoSandwiches · 24/10/2023 18:53

Be kind to yourself and go see your Dsis, your husband is abusing his time of grief by putting on you too much and it is causing resentment.

I would suggest some couples counciling for the new year because it seems like the enmeshed relationship will be transferring to DSIL and it needs to be nipped in the bud for your marriages sake.

It's fine if he wants to go see his sister but your christmas shouldn't be dictated by her season ticket for a bloody football game.

She and your husband obviously have their own priorities so it's more than fair to have your own.

Edited

@TomatoSandwiches this is how I feel. I really have done everything to support them both. Their extended family isn't around . Yes the relationship is transferring as it was slightly previously. DH has always been upset about upsetting his DM and dsis. Now it's just dsil.

I had a very difficult childhood and spent most of it in Foster care until I was placed long term at 11 and adopted. So perhaps I do lack empathy

But i do also feel the past few months a switch has flicked aboit what a mug I have been for the past 20 years

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 19:15

Maddy70 · 24/10/2023 19:05

Boxing day matches are a special occasion in football households BTW.

See them on Xmas day and your family boxing day or have them all over to yours Xmas day

You could have some for Xmas Dinner then a v
Buffet later on with everyone

But grief doesn't overide this for that day but I have to make allowances ?

I did Christmas Dinner last year so I don't want to host this year

OP posts:
SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 24/10/2023 19:16

On one hand, your DH is having his first christmas without his mum, so I would give some weight to that. Same with SIL. It's not unreasonable they're looking to each other for comfort in that.

How old are the kids and what would the plan be? If you have fairly young kids and the plan is moping around about MIL not being there, eulogies and MILs urn at the table, then thats not appropriate and kids need to be around your family. You could see SIL on Christmas eve or earlier in the day.

It sounds like your DH is having therapy and thats having a negative impact on you. Would couples therapy be an option? Give you a chance to express how some of the changes he's making are affecting you negatively and work towards a compromise?

electriclight · 24/10/2023 19:21

I think losing your mum is a massive thing, regardless of age, and I would be open to changing the arrangement this year so that his family can all be together.

SunshineAndFizz · 24/10/2023 19:22

sandyhappypeople · 24/10/2023 18:51

I feel I have bent over so much over last 20 years and this is now going same way.

After 20 years, now is NOT the right time to make a stand, so I’d chuck all that resentment out the window for the time being until at least all the ‘firsts’ are out of the way, things will settle down, but unfortunately you can’t really dictate the timeline.

I think seeing SIL in the morning and your family in the afternoon is more than a reasonable compromise to be fair, it’s SIL choice to go to football on Boxing Day, but tread carefully for now, it’s going to be a hard Christmas for them, I would be inclined to do it DHs way this year if there’s any resistance to your idea as last year really was a right off.

you could try and treat this as a fresh start going forward though, try not to bring the last 2 decades of resentment into it when talking about it, as the person you’re resenting isn’t there anymore, it’s time to draw a line under it.

Yeah I agree with this.

Pick your battle for another day.

Themerrygoround · 24/10/2023 19:29

DustyLee123 · 24/10/2023 17:21

SIL having a season ticket doesn’t get to dictate your Christmas

Yes totaly .
If she sup for football surely xmas can’t be that upsetting for her

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 19:31

electriclight · 24/10/2023 19:21

I think losing your mum is a massive thing, regardless of age, and I would be open to changing the arrangement this year so that his family can all be together.

Hence my DM is similar this year with her dad who passed early October, my adopted grandad. He was not very good when he passed and we were away. It's not the counselling having a negative impact I had counselling too after for 6 weeks and it opened my eyes.

Our DC are 7 and 11

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 24/10/2023 19:33

SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 19:31

Hence my DM is similar this year with her dad who passed early October, my adopted grandad. He was not very good when he passed and we were away. It's not the counselling having a negative impact I had counselling too after for 6 weeks and it opened my eyes.

Our DC are 7 and 11

Show quote history

Your DM being bereaved is not the same as your spouse though.

SaracensMavericks · 24/10/2023 19:35

I think in the circumstances OP (especially after reading your later posts) you need to put your foot down and insist on spending it with your family. DH can decide whether to see SIL on the 24th/27th or go on his own for Christmas Day.

ElBandito · 24/10/2023 19:35

The problem is will SIL (and DH) expect you to swap Christmas every time there is football on Boxing Day? If she really wanted a family Christmas she'd not go to the football. This same situation could easily arise again next year.

OhmygodDont · 24/10/2023 19:36

Coffeerum · 24/10/2023 19:33

Your DM being bereaved is not the same as your spouse though.

Show quote history

No her mum actually cares while her dh is out busy trying new sports and making new friends in the aid of grieving while leaving all the dogs work to his wife.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 24/10/2023 19:37

UndercoverCop · 24/10/2023 17:09

So this is your DHs and SILs first Christmas without their mother? I'd prioritise them spending it together tbh. You can see yours boxing day, and Christmas day 2024

Edited

This.
Last Christmas was our first without DM, very difficult and upsetting.
I'd let your dh have this year but put your foot down next year

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 19:41

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 24/10/2023 19:37

This.
Last Christmas was our first without DM, very difficult and upsetting.
I'd let your dh have this year but put your foot down next year

Show quote history

I understand the difficulty but equally I need to have the space andso do the DC last year was disruptive for them also. I am trying to keep things Christmasy for them and bit more cheerful than last year. I understand they may be sad also. I am not blocking out Christmas at just a bit of compromise

OP posts:
itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 24/10/2023 19:43

DustyLee123 · 24/10/2023 17:21

SIL having a season ticket doesn’t get to dictate your Christmas

This

Fiftyvines · 24/10/2023 19:45

I think there needs to be some flexibility/exceptions with this kinda of set up and this would be it. They lost their mum, first round of holidays are always the hardest.

jannier · 24/10/2023 19:52

Have you had a close bereavement? The firsts of everything are super hard

booksandbrooks · 24/10/2023 19:54

Your marriage doesn't sound very happy tbh.

If DH lost his mum I'd be bending over backwards to make the first Christmas as okay/ special/ whatever it needed to be for him as possible and I'm sure he'd do the same for me. (Though perhaps with less great results, but the intention and the love would be there.)

There seems to be a lot of resentment over the last year and the last however many years of marriage. Whatever you decide to do, try not to bring all of that emotion/ baggage into this decision.

You say you don't want to have a Christmas marred by grief but also want to spend it with your own grieving family.

GettingStuffed · 24/10/2023 19:56

Why not do SiL Christmas eve? Then she gets the family Christmas she wants and going to football on boxing day doesn't affect you.

This year is DH's Christmas without his parents. So far it doesn't seem to affect him but because of his bad behaviour last year , partially due to his mum being in hospital and me being too ill to help out, my daughter is refusing to come home for Christmas, now she will miss her grandparents.

lamalamalamasquirrel · 24/10/2023 19:58

I don't get why no one else is suggesting he go to his sisters and you go to your family with the kids. There is absolutely no reason not to do that. Tell the kids dad's gone to SIL and they are just going to have a quiet Christmas as they are still feeling sad. Then the kids get to go to your family's Christmas and laugh and giggle and not feel the heavy burden of grief

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 19:59

booksandbrooks · 24/10/2023 19:54

Your marriage doesn't sound very happy tbh.

If DH lost his mum I'd be bending over backwards to make the first Christmas as okay/ special/ whatever it needed to be for him as possible and I'm sure he'd do the same for me. (Though perhaps with less great results, but the intention and the love would be there.)

There seems to be a lot of resentment over the last year and the last however many years of marriage. Whatever you decide to do, try not to bring all of that emotion/ baggage into this decision.

You say you don't want to have a Christmas marred by grief but also want to spend it with your own grieving family.

My family wont let their grief affect their Christmas, my DM certainly won't. I am resentful yes more so now, rightly or wrongly as i have done everything my DHs way where his family are concerned for the past 20 years. It was always me compromising or bending or missing my family events.

I supported them both last year and helped with childcare for sils, helped with funeral, sorting all admin, did probate, picked up bulk of childcare, especially in end January when DH went to gym out with friends etc to help himself, whilst working and supporting my children. DH had a month off work and I asked nothing off him to help etc.

All being the supportive wife

OP posts:
2jacqi · 24/10/2023 20:01

Maybe i missed a bit! does sis in law usually go to boxing day football or is this a new thing this year???? If it is new, then it is her who is changing things around, not your husband!