Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I or is DH Christmas

187 replies

SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 17:04

We have previously rotated Christmas days so one year with my family following year with DH. He only has SIL with family extended family don't get together. I have 2 sis brother lots of children. Whoever we haven't spent Christmas day with we see boxing day so see both families over Christmas.

MIL passed away early January after 6 weeks in hospital. So very difficult december for all involved. Christmas Day was at ours apart from DH and SIL visiting mil -who was ill but they weren't aware of seriousness then. Boxing day at my sister's in afternoon although DH then went to hospital in afternoon.

DH had an extremely emeshed relationship with MIL and to a certain extent SIL. He is still having counseling now 9 months later.

All families live fairly close. This year we would be due to visit my family for Christmas Dinner then boxing day with SIL her husband and two children. My Dsis is hosting and asked us to let her know by next week.

DH has then said he needs to check what SIL is doing and whether she is seeing her in laws, I said about boxing day he then said they would be going to football as they are season ticket holders, he thinks as Christmas last year doesn't count and SIL can't do boxing day we should see them Christmas day.

I feel aggrieved, I understand this year will be hard but I feel I am now doing what I have done most of my marriage with DH and MIL. He put her first the majority of the time and we still are working through this. I can see this pattern being repeated with SIL. They see each other a lot even prior to mil passing

I also think it's not my fault SIL is going to football ?

I didn't see my family much last year due to everything going on and would like a break.

Our DC love seeing either family.

Any suggestions !?

OP posts:
RoachFish · 24/10/2023 17:51

Could you suggest you have sil over for dinner on Christmas eve? Or you all go out together? I think Christmas eve is more christmassy than boxing day.

Coffeerum · 24/10/2023 17:56

Personally I think the first Christmas after the bereavement of a parent it’s fair to do that spouses family regardless of where it is in the alternating.
The year after DH’s mother passed away we did Christmas there as it was understandably difficult for evening.
Put yourself in your DH’s shoes.

Lakeyloo · 24/10/2023 18:01

I think I would be a bit understanding and do SIL for Christmas day this year too.

We are season ticket holders at our local club and Boxing day football is a bit of a tradition. Always a great atmosphere, mince pies and Christmas jumpers. The last couple of years have been away games but we are at home this year and won't be missing it for anyone !

Restinggoddess · 24/10/2023 18:05

Not sure why ‘Christmas last year didn’t count’ - as it happened and only sometime was spent seeing MIL
Very sorry for their loss - but they seem to dictate too much what happens at Xmas
As for the football dictating it all ….. nope

There does not seem to be any flexibility on your DH behalf. We all loose family members and we then evolve into the ‘new normal’ - whilst it’s sad, it’s inevitable and new traditions can be started ( it doesn’t mean anyone loves some one even less)

Hope you get it sorted - Xmas shouldn’t be this complicated

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 18:23

Dsis is ordering food etc so asked us a couple of weeks ago. I have mentioned previously to DH. I don't mind she has said beg of Nov. I lost my grandad 8 weeks ago so will be the first Christmas for my mum without her dad too but I appreciate it's different. I understand Christmas was different last year but we ate together etc. Boxing day DH was at the hospital most of the day understandable.
Dsis hasn't the room already asking 16 of us. SIL has BIL family who would invite.

I am also concerned about the DC and want thrm to have fun not spend the day watching everyone in tears or going over the past constantly - which will happen. That's for DH to do of course

The issue has largely come about in main due to the football too

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 18:24

Lakeyloo · 24/10/2023 18:01

I think I would be a bit understanding and do SIL for Christmas day this year too.

We are season ticket holders at our local club and Boxing day football is a bit of a tradition. Always a great atmosphere, mince pies and Christmas jumpers. The last couple of years have been away games but we are at home this year and won't be missing it for anyone !

But then I am being asked in essence to miss my families Christmas day as there is no movement on football ?

OP posts:
lamalamalamasquirrel · 24/10/2023 18:27

No fucking way. It's your family's turn. He can go spend it with his sister as he's clearly prioritising her needs over you and your family.

lamalamalamasquirrel · 24/10/2023 18:27

He can go to hers and they can reminisce and go to the football together

lamalamalamasquirrel · 24/10/2023 18:28

KrisAkabusi · 24/10/2023 17:24

His mother died. It won't be easy. I would change this year.

Even more reason for him to go it alone to his sisters. Don't let the kids feel guilty for having fun while they are sad

Tinkerbyebye · 24/10/2023 18:34

I think you sit your dh down and have a chat. He is getting all this support from you, and counselling. I think you need to explain the impact on you, all the running round you have done in addition to supporting him and its been hard on you as well, and you don’t get to go to be kind to yourself.

It’s the turn for your family this year, who have also suffered a bereavement. I think you also need to carefully mention that if he and sil get together and it becomes a grief fest then that’s not fair on any of the children, yours or sil, and that in an effort to be kind to yourself you and the kids will be going to your sisters. If he feels unable to do that you understand and he can make his own arrangements with his sister

Time to take back control

Ellie1015 · 24/10/2023 18:37

Yanbu. If 26th doesnt work for SIL make plans with them for Christmas eve or 27th.

Susuwatariandkodama · 24/10/2023 18:38

Can you not see in laws o Christmas Eve and your family Christmas Day?

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 18:42

Dis needs to know numbers now because ordering a turkey for 16 rather than13 would be unthinkable - unlikely as it is, it is possible

DSis is entertaining 16 but there is no way a 17th could be invited, unlikely as that is, it is possible.

For what it is worth, and to me it is worth a lot, is your SIL on her own? Sorry if I missed your answer, but if you chose not to answer that, well.....
I realise she is going to the football on Boxing day, you keep on saying that, but what is SIL doing on Christmas day?

Luckily, you just remembered your trump card, the children will be unhappy at SIL. I'm glad you remembered that. It has confirmed my view that you should go to your sister's, it but has also confirmed my view you are an unreasonable woman.

Stopbloodybanging · 24/10/2023 18:42

YABU and a bit rigid. Ok, so it’s your turn, but it’s his and sil’s first Christmas without their mum. You can see your family on Boxing day.

Normalsizedsalad · 24/10/2023 18:46

We switch every year but absolutely make allowances for bereavements so couple of years ago we did twice one side as there was a loss. When something happens to the ither side, we happily switch too.
But not that it's instead so having 3 years with same one, if that makes sense. Like side 1, side 2
1,2, 1,2,1,2,2,1,2,1,2,1,1,2

AnnaMagnani · 24/10/2023 18:50

While I am sure his counsellor did say 'be kind to yourself', I doubt the counsellor added 'do this by dumping all the work on @SouthGate7 '

That is entirely your DH's invention. Time to have a serious discussion about how him being kind to himself is actually being unkind to his wife.

sandyhappypeople · 24/10/2023 18:51

I feel I have bent over so much over last 20 years and this is now going same way.

After 20 years, now is NOT the right time to make a stand, so I’d chuck all that resentment out the window for the time being until at least all the ‘firsts’ are out of the way, things will settle down, but unfortunately you can’t really dictate the timeline.

I think seeing SIL in the morning and your family in the afternoon is more than a reasonable compromise to be fair, it’s SIL choice to go to football on Boxing Day, but tread carefully for now, it’s going to be a hard Christmas for them, I would be inclined to do it DHs way this year if there’s any resistance to your idea as last year really was a right off.

you could try and treat this as a fresh start going forward though, try not to bring the last 2 decades of resentment into it when talking about it, as the person you’re resenting isn’t there anymore, it’s time to draw a line under it.

OhComeOnFFS · 24/10/2023 18:53

KrisAkabusi · 24/10/2023 17:24

His mother died. It won't be easy. I would change this year.

Having said that, it wasn't easy for the OP when his mother was alive, either.

DahliaJ · 24/10/2023 18:53

Now is a really good time to ‘reset’. Some really open and honest talking, some new ideas.

Make the most of a change.

Strictly1 · 24/10/2023 18:53

I’m shocked by some of the responses. He lost his mum in January! I can’t imagine being that callous tbh and am surprised others are encouraging you to be.
If told I’d nod and not comment but I’d certainly judge.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/10/2023 18:53

Be kind to yourself and go see your Dsis, your husband is abusing his time of grief by putting on you too much and it is causing resentment.

I would suggest some couples counciling for the new year because it seems like the enmeshed relationship will be transferring to DSIL and it needs to be nipped in the bud for your marriages sake.

It's fine if he wants to go see his sister but your christmas shouldn't be dictated by her season ticket for a bloody football game.

She and your husband obviously have their own priorities so it's more than fair to have your own.

CrotchetyQuaver · 24/10/2023 18:55

I would make an exception because it's their first Christmas without their mother, it'll be very hard for them without her especially if they were all close. I'd let him have what he and SIL want this year. It's hard to understand just how profound the loss is when you haven't been through it yourself

Coffeerum · 24/10/2023 18:56

@SouthGate7 I am also concerned about the DC and want thrm to have fun not spend the day watching everyone in tears or going over the past constantly - which will happen. That's for DH to do of course

Really wonder what your reaction would be if your DH wanted to take the kids off to do something else in case you were in tears during the first Christmas without your mum. You’re coming across as really insensitive.

catherinewales · 24/10/2023 18:56

Why don't you go to your family with the kids. Send husband to the sil. Then meet up after food. Both of you want different things and it's technically your Christmas at your family and you very obviously want to go there. We swap each year but we see both sides on the day. So we'll have breakfast with one and dinner with the other. Then the year we don't go to the in-laws we have a party on boxing day so get the best of both. I can't swap my Christmas as my DB goes to his in-laws the year I'm at my DM.

OhmygodDont · 24/10/2023 19:02

You and the children go to your family and dh can suit himself.

As you said his become rather selfish this year anyway and it will only continue if you let it. So they get this year again and then next year is their year technically so then it will be there again and before you know it that’s now the tradition. Nope nope nope.