Am I or is DH Christmas

[SouthGate7]

We have previously rotated Christmas days so one year with my family following year with DH. He only has SIL with family extended family don't get together. I have 2 sis brother lots of children. Whoever we haven't spent Christmas day with we see boxing day so see both families over Christmas.

MIL passed away early January after 6 weeks in hospital. So very difficult december for all involved. Christmas Day was at ours apart from DH and SIL visiting mil -who was ill but they weren't aware of seriousness then. Boxing day at my sister's in afternoon although DH then went to hospital in afternoon.

DH had an extremely emeshed relationship with MIL and to a certain extent SIL. He is still having counseling now 9 months later.

All families live fairly close. This year we would be due to visit my family for Christmas Dinner then boxing day with SIL her husband and two children. My Dsis is hosting and asked us to let her know by next week.

DH has then said he needs to check what SIL is doing and whether she is seeing her in laws, I said about boxing day he then said they would be going to football as they are season ticket holders, he thinks as Christmas last year doesn't count and SIL can't do boxing day we should see them Christmas day.

I feel aggrieved, I understand this year will be hard but I feel I am now doing what I have done most of my marriage with DH and MIL. He put her first the majority of the time and we still are working through this. I can see this pattern being repeated with SIL. They see each other a lot even prior to mil passing

I also think it's not my fault SIL is going to football ?

I didn't see my family much last year due to everything going on and would like a break.

Our DC love seeing either family.

Any suggestions !?

You’re making this all about you and aren’t coming across well. It seems to be all about what you want you and to hell with anyone else.

But it seems like the DH has been doing this for himself and his mum for the last 20 years. The OP has always had to come second to what his mum wants, no plans made unless they fit in with what his mum is doing. And now that is being transferred to SIL so his attitude isn't going to change.

OP if this Christmas is what's finally made the scales fall from your eyes and you now realise just how much you've bent over backwards for DH and MIL and will have to keep doing with SIL, then maybe it's done you a favour. Start standing up for yourself, and maybe even think about whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who will never put you first.

This would be my view - you risk making a rod for your own back. We'll all lose someone at some point and Christmas is an important time for a lot of families.

If you won't flex you can expect absolute rigidity in return when it's your go I guess.

This. And they didn’t really have last year did they, as you said it was at yours but they were both at the hospital for much of it? Personally I’d say that one count didn’t count either way and that they should have this one together.

Also I just think compassion should come over the rota here.

i don’t know your situation obviously but is it possible you’re being influenced by your feelings about your DH’s family? I don’t think it’s crazy he’s having counselling 9 months on, it’s ok to be hit hard by the loss of your mother (as it to be close to your sister and mum).

I hosted last year. SIL wont be alone she has family and an in laws offer to. I am not worried about how it comes across. There's always what ifs etc. Why is it my family and children that does the budging for a football match too ?

I have forgone previous christmas days covid etc we had his DM and didn't see my family at all that was a hard decision

@Gymnopedie i think this the issue and counselling made me realise what a soft touch i have been over the years. DH does pretty even more what he wants how long do you use grief as a reason to be selfish?

Counselling is for emeshed and unhealthy relationship on his mother. Not just bereavement. Anxiety and OCD lots of issues.

There are many many ways I given in and i have spent much of my life being second best to mil andso have children sometimes I won't have that transferred to sil.

SIL husband feels similar
Christmas day they spent and hour at lunchtime and an hour in the evening otherwise here. Boxing day I was at my families DH was at hospital most of afternoon

If my OH wanted to se his family on Xmas day the year following the death of a parent i would absolutely do that, no question.

It's your family this year, but I think it would be okay for dh to pop over later and see SIL, if he wants. That said, honestly, if my mum had just passed away and it was the first year without her and trying to find a new normal, I can't say I'd be thrilled at the thought of hosting my sibling and his whole family for Christmas. I'd be grateful it wasn't my year and to get to focus on something I really enjoy (football on Boxing Day) instead of tidying up the post-Christmas chaos.

You can really tell which posters here have experienced bereavement.

This may be a sensible compromise.

It's clearly your family's turn. But given that this is his (and his sister's) first Christmas since the death of his mother, it'd be reasonable to offer to swap this year and next year.

What's not reasonable is to say that last year doesn't count.

Dh isnt saying for sil to host it would be me again dh doesn't do it

Herein lies the problem with a post like this, I lost my mum at Christmas a few years ago and can’t imagine my partner digging his heels in the following year saying well we did ‘your family’ last year now it’s my turn!

but OPs problem seems to be a long standing one, and rather then her feeling resentful because of this one thing, it’s the culmination of years of feeling this way and it’s definitely clouding the issue.

IMO it’s unreasonable to offload all this resentment at a time when your partner is still grieving, the time to raise it is literally ANY TIME up to the point that MIL died, you’ve had years to put yourself and especially the kids first, but you’ve allowed them to play second fiddle (god knows why!), so why make a stand now at the ONLY time you could actually be considered unreasonable for doing so?

It is quite normal for family to speak on a daily basis - and to see each other often - not saying there isn’t enmeshment but the examples provided don’t really seem to be to me?

I have to say, if my partner insisted on having their Xmas turn the year after my mum died leaving me and my sibling the only family, I think I might reconsidering the relationship. This really isn’t about getting what you’re entitled to. If this is an ongoing issue then deal with that afterwards, this is not the hill to die on IMO.

I’d feel suffocated if my family expected daily check ins and had to be in contact every day tbh it doesn’t sound healthy between actual healthy adults.

She didn’t say they expected it? And families are all different. I speak to my mum every day, especially as they’re getting older, I like to check they’re alright. They don’t expect it though.

I would need a day to give examples if past issues and it has been bought up when mil was alive it's been a deep rooted complicated issue on DHs behalf hence the counselling.

I grew up in Foster care lost my alcoholic birth father at 11 and i never saw my birth mother from age 5 until she died in 2021. So perhaps I do lack empathy but i also know from earlier in the year that I have allowed a unhealthy pattern due to my inability to see healthy relationships.

Mils bday is 28 December, fil passing anniversary is 23 Dec although he passed 20 years ago. Where do I draw any line and spend any time with my family and my children need

Sil messages or phones several times a day l. Mil lived 5minutes away was not decript or I'll until hospital admission. But DH would call in every day. Phone too message. It's a long story

You can also tell the posters who haven't read the full thread, or at least the OP's posts.

You can read her posts and disagree with her 🤷‍♀️

The first Christmas after a major bereavement is very hard and for that reason I would try to humour DH and SIL this time. Boxing Day with your family.

We do a similar christmas and swap it round each year. The year my mum was ill (she passed away February) we swapped and had an extra year with my mum. Then the next year we went to his families. We swapped again the year his gran was ill and had an extra year with them and then back to mine the yera after. I think it's fair for you to see your family this year- but I understand it's difficult for him.

I would say to your DH - I think it would be best to keep the kids with my family for Christmas. I understand that it will be a tough time to be having Christmas without your mum for the first time, and therefore I want you to feel you and SIL can spend whatever time together that you need without worrying about us.

It would be lovely to spend Christmas Eve with your sister and her family, maybe by changing the routines it won't feel so awful for you both. And I think BIL feels that it would also be good for their kids to be with his family on Christmas Day.

How about we open presents in our own homes Christmas morning, then you and SIL can go and spend some time at MIL's grave. Then, when you're ready, come to spend the rest of Christmas Day with us.

I understand that SIL wants to go to the football on Boxing Day - why don't you go with her and we'll make our own plans (stay with your family!)

Then, if you'd like to, we can get the kids looked after and you, SIL, me and BIL all spend the day together on the anniversary of her death, and you guys can plan that as you see fit.

I really want to support you but am mindful that you don't want the kids to see you being unhappy, and also probably don't want to have to deal with them being exuberant when you'd feeling sad. So hopefully this gives you and SIL the time and space to grieve and not have to worry about us.

I disagree. It’s OP’s family’s turn. And she’s spent her entire marriage playing third fiddle to the MIL and SIL as it is.

I think your SIL is being inflexible if she won't change football to see you guys. I'd say go with seeing SIL ok Xmas eve and seeing your family on Xmas day.

Relationships are complicated. This is clearly about much more than the death of the mother-in-law.

OP, I expect that all your life you have been last and left out of peoples consideration. When you were a child growing up in foster care and throughout the marriage. You have probably had many years having to compromise for his mum and sister.

Now his mum has died. It will bring all sorts of emotions to the fore. You don’t want the pattern continuing with his sister.

Last Christmas was difficult and I understand that you don’t want another difficult Christmas for your kids again this year. I expect most people with healthy family relationships Will see you as selfish. However, having worked in mental health for many years, I know that nothing is a simple as it seems within families.

And despite grieving, your husband and his sister seem to be able to prioritise themselves pretty well. I hope therapy brings you some answers. The thing is, if you decide to spend your Christmas with his sister, I expect it will be forgotten about and taken for granted like everything else you have done in your marriage. The gain from yet another sacrifice from you will probably not even be appreciated

I don’t know what the solution is, but I think it will be hard to find a compromise here. I don’t think there is anything wrong with prioritising yourself. I would not judge you.

(formatting all over the place on this post. Stupid phone).