Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I or is DH Christmas

187 replies

SouthGate7 · 24/10/2023 17:04

We have previously rotated Christmas days so one year with my family following year with DH. He only has SIL with family extended family don't get together. I have 2 sis brother lots of children. Whoever we haven't spent Christmas day with we see boxing day so see both families over Christmas.

MIL passed away early January after 6 weeks in hospital. So very difficult december for all involved. Christmas Day was at ours apart from DH and SIL visiting mil -who was ill but they weren't aware of seriousness then. Boxing day at my sister's in afternoon although DH then went to hospital in afternoon.

DH had an extremely emeshed relationship with MIL and to a certain extent SIL. He is still having counseling now 9 months later.

All families live fairly close. This year we would be due to visit my family for Christmas Dinner then boxing day with SIL her husband and two children. My Dsis is hosting and asked us to let her know by next week.

DH has then said he needs to check what SIL is doing and whether she is seeing her in laws, I said about boxing day he then said they would be going to football as they are season ticket holders, he thinks as Christmas last year doesn't count and SIL can't do boxing day we should see them Christmas day.

I feel aggrieved, I understand this year will be hard but I feel I am now doing what I have done most of my marriage with DH and MIL. He put her first the majority of the time and we still are working through this. I can see this pattern being repeated with SIL. They see each other a lot even prior to mil passing

I also think it's not my fault SIL is going to football ?

I didn't see my family much last year due to everything going on and would like a break.

Our DC love seeing either family.

Any suggestions !?

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 26/10/2023 13:38

pgup · 26/10/2023 12:34

it might be a suggestion I make. Although dh wouldbt allow it Idont think

And what shape or form would him not allowing it take? Just go to your family with your kids and leave him with his sister

@pgup he just wouldn't. Not physically but says why would I not spend Christmas with my kids. It would be a never ending row. It's his way or no way

OP posts:
pgup · 26/10/2023 13:45

Then nothing will ever change @SouthGate7

Him saying he doesn't want you to go to your sisters is not him not allowing you. He can't stop you. Pointless feeling and try that you've over compromised over the years but then not doing anything about it.

Themerrygoround · 26/10/2023 15:47

pgup · 26/10/2023 12:34

it might be a suggestion I make. Although dh wouldbt allow it Idont think

And what shape or form would him not allowing it take? Just go to your family with your kids and leave him with his sister

I’ve came back on to ask about “not being allowed” it’s been on my mind .

OP have you decided what you are doing ?

Themerrygoround · 26/10/2023 15:50

OP just start now with making the changes. Go with the dc. Are they old enough to decide abs say no dad we want to go with mum to Gran’s.

He can come with you if he wants to be with his kids.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2023 16:03

SouthGate7 · 26/10/2023 13:38

@pgup he just wouldn't. Not physically but says why would I not spend Christmas with my kids. It would be a never ending row. It's his way or no way

Show quote history

IMO DH and SiL have transferred the 'enmeshment' with their mother to each other. So I think you're not only dealing with that enmeshed relationship, it sounds to me as if you're also dealing in some way with feelings that it's the 'end of the road' between yourself and DH. The Xmas issue is, I think, the straw that is breaking the camel's back.

So perhaps you need to decide on the latter before you decide on the former. I think doing that may help you to decide how you want this Xmas to go. If I truly believed that this was the last Xmas I'd have to face this issue, I might be able to give him 'his way' knowing that from next year on we'd most likely be swapping Xmases and he'd have no say about 'my years'. But if I was contemplating staying in this marriage (I wouldn't but that's up to you) I think I'd be tempted to take a harder line and insist it's my family's year and we'd see SiL at some other time. Because the 'need' to be with SiL will never end.

It would be a never ending row. It's his way or no way

I had one of these. They keep hammering at you until you give up and just give in to make it stop. I cannot tell you the feeling of freedom and peace when you get rid of them. Your home ceases to be a battleground and becomes your refuge. You cease walking on eggshells and 'preemptively' giving in so you don't have to live with the 'atmosphere' and once they're gone you suddenly realize that the atmosphere in your home is one of calm and quiet.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/10/2023 16:13

Do you think perhaps he considers your family not in the same regard as he does for his mother and sister because you were adopted op?

itsmylife7 · 26/10/2023 16:30

You're not selfish in any sense OP.

I understand what you're saying and this will be "make or break"
for your relationship.

If you don't stand up for yourself now your future will be like the last 20 years.

Mumof2teens79 · 26/10/2023 16:41

Personally I think you are being too rigid about alternating.
In all honesty how long had this been the tradition? I m guessing less than 10 xmases?
Has the football thing never come up before?

It can be changed
Families do change their Xmas plans when family circumstances change. Whether it's new babies, house moves, marriages, divorce. You do what is best for the whole.

You could find a middle ground....have everyone to yours, see both families on same day one morning/one afternoon. But ultimately I am thinking if you have a big family and SIL family will be just them I am siding with your DH

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 26/10/2023 16:44

TomatoSandwiches · 26/10/2023 16:13

Do you think perhaps he considers your family not in the same regard as he does for his mother and sister because you were adopted op?

@TomatoSandwiches Nothing to do with being adopted I just think he doesn't feel they are as important as his, never has. It's very easy for me to look nowback and see the errors i have made .
He has always prorotised his family over mine

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 26/10/2023 16:47

Mumof2teens79 · 26/10/2023 16:41

Personally I think you are being too rigid about alternating.
In all honesty how long had this been the tradition? I m guessing less than 10 xmases?
Has the football thing never come up before?

It can be changed
Families do change their Xmas plans when family circumstances change. Whether it's new babies, house moves, marriages, divorce. You do what is best for the whole.

You could find a middle ground....have everyone to yours, see both families on same day one morning/one afternoon. But ultimately I am thinking if you have a big family and SIL family will be just them I am siding with your DH

It's been the best way to keep it fair. SIL has her children and dh and his family who have helped no end. SIL and dh are both similar in rejecting their extended families.

The football was an issue when his mother was aroumd

OP posts:
TheValueOfEverything · 26/10/2023 16:56

Surely the kids come first? Christmas is for kids above everyone else. Prioritise what will give your children the nicest day.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/10/2023 16:57

It would be a never ending row. It's his way or no way

And do you usually give in? It may be hard, but maybe just let it be a never ending row because your DH needs to learn that you will no longer give in all the time.

It sounds like you are re-examining your relationship with him anyway. He needs to give some thought to what it might cost him if he stays in this path if prioritising his sister over you.

Rosesandstars · 26/10/2023 17:05

I think your DH should spend the first Christmas after his Mum's death with his sister as an exception and then you should go back to your lot on the day for 2024. Losing a parent is huge and it's not unreasonable for him to be having counselling months later- it will probably take years for him to start feeling barely OK and far longer to reach a new normal. Imagine if it was one of your parents, you'd probably want to spend Christmas with your siblings.

On the other hand, he needs to know that life has to continue after this, in terms of him being around, helping, not constantly meeting friends etc.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 17:05

Dh isnt saying for sil to host it would be me again dh doesn't do it

Why is the twat volunteering you for hosting two years in a row?

He sounds a right dickhead, OP.

Tell him you’re taking the kids to your sister’s, he can go to his sister’s on his own.

Don’t cook the selfish twats a Christmas meal!

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 17:07

Mumof2teens79 · 26/10/2023 16:41

Personally I think you are being too rigid about alternating.
In all honesty how long had this been the tradition? I m guessing less than 10 xmases?
Has the football thing never come up before?

It can be changed
Families do change their Xmas plans when family circumstances change. Whether it's new babies, house moves, marriages, divorce. You do what is best for the whole.

You could find a middle ground....have everyone to yours, see both families on same day one morning/one afternoon. But ultimately I am thinking if you have a big family and SIL family will be just them I am siding with your DH

How is OP hosting everyone again a middle ground? It’s just more pandering to her selfish DH and in laws.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 17:08

SouthGate7 · 26/10/2023 13:38

@pgup he just wouldn't. Not physically but says why would I not spend Christmas with my kids. It would be a never ending row. It's his way or no way

Show quote history

Then tell him why he can’t he get off his useless arse and do something?

FloydPepper · 26/10/2023 17:19

I’m genuinely surprised at how many people are shouting “it’s your turn” and stating that turns are more important than a bit of flexibility to support the person you love.

lanthanum · 26/10/2023 17:27

Presumably the boxing day football thing will be an issue in future years too (was it not in the past?). In which case it's not as simple as swapping the alternation, because there will be the same argument next year. Perhaps you need to alternate 25th/27th with the in-laws.

I can see an argument for swapping the alternation to begin with 25th this year, though, given that it's the first Christmas without MIL. Does it have knock-on effects in your family (because other members of the family alternate with THEIR in-laws)? If that's the case, it's probably better to stick with what was expected.

If you do swap, try and establish now that if they're busy boxing day next year then it will be 27th.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 17:35

FloydPepper · 26/10/2023 17:19

I’m genuinely surprised at how many people are shouting “it’s your turn” and stating that turns are more important than a bit of flexibility to support the person you love.

if you RTFT you’ll see it’s OP who has been flexible with her DH and his MIL for 20 years.

The twat DH doesn’t even host and yet is volunteering OP host Christmas again, two years in a row.

FloydPepper · 26/10/2023 17:48

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 17:35

if you RTFT you’ll see it’s OP who has been flexible with her DH and his MIL for 20 years.

The twat DH doesn’t even host and yet is volunteering OP host Christmas again, two years in a row.

Show quote history

That may be true, but all the people shouting about turns before that was said didn’t know that, and still decided turns were the priority.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 26/10/2023 18:22

lanthanum · 26/10/2023 17:27

Presumably the boxing day football thing will be an issue in future years too (was it not in the past?). In which case it's not as simple as swapping the alternation, because there will be the same argument next year. Perhaps you need to alternate 25th/27th with the in-laws.

I can see an argument for swapping the alternation to begin with 25th this year, though, given that it's the first Christmas without MIL. Does it have knock-on effects in your family (because other members of the family alternate with THEIR in-laws)? If that's the case, it's probably better to stick with what was expected.

If you do swap, try and establish now that if they're busy boxing day next year then it will be 27th.

Football has always come first on boxing day for in laws. Yes we have timed it so that myself and sisters and all our children are together each year either boxing or Christmas day.

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 26/10/2023 18:22

FloydPepper · 26/10/2023 17:48

That may be true, but all the people shouting about turns before that was said didn’t know that, and still decided turns were the priority.

Show quote history

Its not just as simple as turns

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 26/10/2023 20:54

Dh isnt saying for sil to host it would be me again dh doesn't do it

THIS would absolutely do it for me. So not only does last Christmas not count... but all the effort you put in for hosting the Christmas period last year counts for nothing either... he expects you to just shut up and do it all again this year - with no care for what the impact is on you.

I would be saying you hosted last year, you are not doing it again this year. I would then be telling him he has until Saturday to decide whether he will be joining you and the kids at your sisters for christmas or whether he will be making arrangements with his sister. But that YOU will be having a break this year.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 27/10/2023 07:31

LittleOwl153 · 26/10/2023 20:54

Dh isnt saying for sil to host it would be me again dh doesn't do it

THIS would absolutely do it for me. So not only does last Christmas not count... but all the effort you put in for hosting the Christmas period last year counts for nothing either... he expects you to just shut up and do it all again this year - with no care for what the impact is on you.

I would be saying you hosted last year, you are not doing it again this year. I would then be telling him he has until Saturday to decide whether he will be joining you and the kids at your sisters for christmas or whether he will be making arrangements with his sister. But that YOU will be having a break this year.

I will be saying this. And actually it really is what the children would like to do more importantly

OP posts:
SnotFace88 · 27/10/2023 08:13

OP I'd stop reading these replies now and just go with what you know would make you and the kids happiest on Christmas and that's go to your sisters.

You know that on paper, the situation doesn't read in your favour but I've read all your comments and I think it's clear that it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

If you don't do what he wants, you're the heartless spouse who wouldn't enable bereaved siblings to spend their first Christmas together in the fashion to which they've become accustomed (i.e. you do the Cinderella host, cook, clean, simper routine all day). You'll also be shock horror face badly thought of by DH, SIL and all these YABU voting strangers on MumsNet who don't know you.

If you do go along with it, you'll hate it. You'll do the Cinderella routine all day for what will be little to no thanks from DH or SIL because like a lot of people here, they don't think any other circumstances should be taken into account, it's just a case of DH and SIL have the trump card and that takes precedence and you should WANT to do this for them. You'll be seething with resentment all day, I'm sure you'll do everything you can not to let it affect the kids but it's not easy to keep that hidden. What will you get at the end of it? Be thought of any better? Doesn't seem like it, it's just expected by DH and SIL that you should want to do this. Will it improve any of the major concerns you have re your DHs recent and more recurrent behaviours? Again, unlikely as you appear to have acquiesced for years for little to no benefit other than an easier life with DH. So is the only thing you get out of doing this the "I was morally right today" gold badge? It's seems like you've collected plenty of those over the years to the detriment of your happiness and I'm guessing, special occasions and moments with your own family.

So, I say stick to the plan and go to your sisters.
Tell DH that you are sticking to the plan, SIL will have to adjust her Boxing Day football plans if being with DH over Christmas is that important. They can't claim that family is the most important thing if it means trampling on your family's time so SIL can keep her football match plans.
Alternatively, he can host them himself at your house, maybe even offer him a complimentary shopping list of everything he'll need to buy and cook for them.