Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

He's right: he can put people wherever he wants. While I think he's probably not quite thought it through, ultimately, it's his choice and you'll still be there, watching him get married.

Who knows, maybe the front row might be willing to swap round at the start (your ds is unlikely to notice or care at this point!).

Weddings bring out the absolute worst in people. It's not all about you.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds hurtful.

What kind of relationship do you have with his fiancé? When did you stop being so close?

I've never been to a wedding with assigned seats for the ceremony.

Anyway, YANBU to feel upset.

Is it possible that he feels more secure in his relationship with you than he does with his dad? That he knows you will love him no matter what.

Sounds like he has a lot of family, and some of them have to be on the second row.

You are asking a lot if you think your dad and your husband should be sitting there over the Grooms own father.

Is he closer to his dad than he is to you?
Are you and his dad amicable?

I wouldn’t be happy sitting behind ex’s girlfriend. In fact I’d be fit to be tied.

It is up to your son who sits where.

But I do think as mother of the groom you should be front row. Your dad, your husband, his uncle and his brother could go on the second row. But I'd be upset and think you'd be should be front row ahead of his dad's girlfriend and his dad's mum

You say you "expected" and this is your problem. It's their wedding and I don't think you have a right to expect anything but an invite. You gripe seems to be over dad's new GF sitting in front of you rather than you actually not being in the front row. I say this is problematic on many levels and you should get a grip. It would take less than 20 minutes for them to be married and most of the people (bar the grandmother) he has in the front row are involved in a ceremony.

I understand why you feel so upset/hurt, but it is their wedding. And if you're not careful, you will ruin the lead up and possibly the actual wedding for not only yourself, but your son as well.
You've told him how you feel. You will still be able to see him get married. Now just put a big smile on, tell him you're looking forward to the day and leave the rest of the planning to them unless they ask for your help

His parents should be on the front row, but not necessarily grandparents and step relatives (unless he felt a step-parent took on more of a role than his mum/dad). It's delicate with blended families. But it is the norm to have your parents on the front row and I can see why you would be hurt.

You don’t know if you can go because you’re not in the front row?

I think the fact he wants all conversations via messages suggests he doesn’t trust you to keep your word from phone calls or that you won’t manipulate what was actually said.

You’re baffling me. I feel like you’re making this day way to much about you, you don’t get a say on where you’re sat or anyone else.

honestly, you’re baffling me. I think you’re being really unfair.

Your son has got the etiquette wrong here and you should be on the front row. However it sounds as though he is digging his heels in and isn't going to change his mind so you have no choice but to accept it.

Do you have a place at the top table?

I think it’s hurtful but you have to accept it. You’ve said what you think and he doesn’t agree so what can you do?

Yes what about the reception/top table etc?

What a drama over nothing.

It sounds like he has people who are involved in the wedding and need to be able to get up and down quickly in the front row. That seems fine.

Agree with PP, it's his wedding and it's not fair to put expectations on him.

I think you are making a massive mountain out of a molehill.

Who cares if you are "second row"? Nobody will care, is the answer. Just enjoy the day.

Also, it makes sense. The people on the front row are the ones taking part in the ceremony (best man and dad's girlfriend who's a witness).

I'm really surprised at the negativity in the responses here!!

YANBU in my opinion to be upset. Both sets of parents, and partners, could be at the front so neither parent feel excluded. I had this exact same consideration at my wedding and can't imagine putting them on any other row. This meant bridesmaids/groomsmen were 3rd row back as other family members went second.

Unfortunately OP, I don't think theres much you can do bur accept his decision but i very much understand your upset

Why do you expect your H, Dad and your Brother to be on the first row?

Space is limited — couldn’t you just sit there with your H, dad and brother behind you (plus the half siblings)!? X

Why do you expect your H, Dad and your Brother to be on the first row?

Space is limited — couldn’t you just sit there with your H, dad and brother behind you (plus the half siblings)!? X

Nowhere did OP say that the groom's father, or his GF, shouldn't be on the front row.

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother)

This is beyond hurtful.

Who knows, you may all get struck down with the current viruses doing the rounds and not be able to attend.

I really can't imagine how petty and spiteful you'd have to be to not attend your son's wedding just because you aren't at the very front.

I can understand you being upset but not going is just pathetic!

His dad's girlfriend and the best man's wife and child are in the front row? Those are ridiculous choices. It should be you, his dad, best man and grandparents.

How disrespectful of him. I would be getting there early and nabbing the front row for myself and my dad. Rude maybe, but I would NOT allow myself to be disrespected at my own son's wedding.