Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Groom's mum not on first row...

1000 replies

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 11:55

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

OP posts:
BlurredEdges · 24/10/2023 12:33

I didn't even have a wedding (bare minimum registry office 30 min deal) and even I can see this is upsetting.

We had both of our mums as witnesses. Why is your son's dad's gf a witness rather than you?

AnnieKayTee · 24/10/2023 12:34

I think some are being quite harsh with their replies. You are being made to sat behind your ex husbands girlfriend. I think most, if that happened to them at their child's wedding, would be pretty miffed. Let's all be honest. Regardless of how well everyone gets on.

Why is she the witness to the wedding anyway?

Cumbrianlife · 24/10/2023 12:36

DS is marrying next year. Any choice they make is fine with me. I can't believe you'd miss your son's wedding over a seat for 15 minutes. It's not about you.

muimper · 24/10/2023 12:37

I really can't imagine how petty and spiteful you'd have to be to not attend your son's wedding just because you aren't at the very front

Because it's not really about where you sit for 30 minutes. Its about how your valued compared to other family members.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 24/10/2023 12:37

Namerequired · 24/10/2023 12:33

Not necessarily. My 17yr old hates talking on a phone. I say hate but it’s much more than that, he really struggles to do it. He’s autistic.

In answer to op, you aren’t wrong to feel put out or upset, but I think you need to suck it up. I would have assumed the dad and gf raised him by the post but you say not so it is a little strange. His step mum must be important to him though if he has made her a witness. Maybe it is a case he needs her at the front, same as the best man and flower girl (I would expect them to be front tbh), and it’s actually his dad is only there because of the gf role. Is there a top table? These things are so difficult in blended families.
I think you need to suck it up or this could turn into long term resentment from your son. It’s just a day.

Show quote history

Of course I understand that but would your DC prioritise you at their wedding?

because all the details in OPs post are painting a picture.

Im not saying she was a shit Mum or overbearing or they weren’t close etc but everyone saying that she should be front row just cos she’s mum doesn’t make sense to me. What if they are just not close and he’s incredibly close to his step mum who he loves? OP can’t force her way ahead of everyone, he’s made his choice and I’m sure it stems from issues from way before this.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/10/2023 12:37

It's a bit shitty but it's one of those things you have to grit your teeth and be gracious about.

Also don't try to make it about your father's legs, because it's not really about that.

Sconehenge · 24/10/2023 12:37

I think this is one of those things where I can 100% see where you are coming from HOWEVER you also have to try really really hard not to take it personally and operate on the assumption that your son just doesn’t realise the impact and won’t click no matter how hard you explain it as he is just doesn’t see it that way.

The only way he might see the light is if his dad or fiancé or someone gently points it out. But I wouldn’t recommend trying to make this happen by involving them.

I think you just have to rise above it, tell yourself that it in no way reflects his love for you or means anything at all, he is just viewing the seating arrangement as a practical thing and he thinks second row is still an important row and keeps you and your husband together which he thinks you’ll enjoy.

Don’t let it ruin your day and don’t let your reaction sour his day either, you’ve said your bit. Hopefully his wife-to-be will see sense but if not, just try your best not to take it at all personally. X

Treesinmygarden · 24/10/2023 12:38

People here are nuts!!

Of course you are upset - it's hurtful. I do think for the sake of harmony, you may just have to tolerate it, and try not to let it spoil the day for anyone.

Ponderingwindow · 24/10/2023 12:38

I understand why you are unhappy about the 2nd row placement, but do not understand your suggested alternative. Grandparents, uncles, siblings. These are all second and even third row guests depending on the size of the family. The only people I would definitely expect on the first row would be the parents.

I’ve never been to a wedding where the adult bridal party sat down with the guests, only the children. So I could possibly see a spot for the a flower girl and a parent. But it sounds like they will be sitting so I guess groomsman does need a spot.

So if I had 6 chairs I would have to be
best man, flower girl, flower girls escort
father, mother, witness who in this case is step mother

mothers husband can sit in second row. Mother probably creates drama because her husband is in second row. So I move her to second row with her husband thinking that will be less objectionable.

children of parents who are not partnered really get the short end of the stick when it comes to weddings and other major life events. There is extra planning and more complicated logistics to manage. The parents should remember that they are the ones who created this extra work and try to make it easier, not harder.

SoRainbowRhythms · 24/10/2023 12:39

VickyEadieofThigh · 24/10/2023 12:31

Yep, me too. It was my mother trying to tell me who "should" be invited that made us cancel the original wedding (which going to be very small indeed) and just take 2 mates down the register office, then go for a curry!

Exactly why I eloped. My mother is a big fan of "should" and put a lot of stress on me!

Namechangedagain20 · 24/10/2023 12:39

I think you’re making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. And to be honest, I think it’s quite unfair of you to say you expected to be on the front row with your family, but you expected your ex wouldn’t be? So you expected his dad on the second row and you on the front, but surely his dad wants to see him get married just as much as you.

It should be you, your ex and his best man (and his best mans girlfriend and daughter, as she’s flower girl) on the front row, and the others behind. Surely that would be the normal compromise, not his dad behind you, he has as much right to be there as you. Perhaps there’s a reason your son chose to do it that way.

scoopoftheday · 24/10/2023 12:39

I only have one son and I'd be really upset if this was the case when he got married.

It's another way of saying you're not important enough to be on the front row.

Why can the BM wife and child not go on second row and you and your dh go beside your exh and his partner in front?

I'd want to be on front row but at this stage to make life easier, maybe just suck it up and not cause any more stress for yourself or for him.

Do you think it was him who made the decision or his wife to be? Perhaps she's closer to his step mum than to you?

Katiesaidthat · 24/10/2023 12:40

I am sorry but "a torrent of abuse". Since when do you allow your son to speak to you like this? I think this would be my beef, not the seating.
I would be mortified as a non relative to be seated in the front row while the groom´s mum sat behind me. But then I do get protocol and I have some shame.

Lindy2 · 24/10/2023 12:40

I think you're reading too much into this. He's trying to sort out seating for lots of people in different dynamics of family groups.

I don't think front row really has the status you're thinking it has. You're not going to be regarded as second best for being 1 row back. Everyone will see that the family grouping and people involved in the ceremony is the front 2 rows.

Try to let this go.

watcherintherye · 24/10/2023 12:41

I’d be incandescent (in particular about being usurped by the Dad’s g/f) and very hurt, op. Diplomacy and tact is obviously not one of your ds’s strong points, nor his fiancée’s. I know it can be difficult with split families, but it doesn’t seem like they’ve given it much thought.

Could the hotel be asked if a couple more chairs could be added to the rows to accommodate everyone who should be on the front row?

MadinMarch · 24/10/2023 12:41

TiredMamOfTwo · Today 12:30

YABU. It's just a seat. If needs be get there first and tell your ex's girlfriend to move for you.

Please don't do this! You'll embarrass yourself and spoil the day for many people -including yourself, as you'll probably regret having done it afterwards.

Lwrenagain · 24/10/2023 12:41

So his father's partner is his witness?
If so unless there is a massive backstory why aren't you happy he's got such a nice relationship with her?
It's not disrespectful, she's just needing to sit closer.
Please don't get there and nab a seat and make a scene, it's one way of ensuring that DS and DiL go no or low contact.
Don't ruin your entire relationship because of a 20 minute ceremony which is really, I say this kindly, is not really your business where you're seated, you're a guest, your relationship isn't relevant if they've made a seating plan.
I'm sorry you're finding this painful and I hope it's a lovely day that isn't ruined for any of you because of the seating. X

scoopoftheday · 24/10/2023 12:41

Namechangedagain20 · 24/10/2023 12:39

I think you’re making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. And to be honest, I think it’s quite unfair of you to say you expected to be on the front row with your family, but you expected your ex wouldn’t be? So you expected his dad on the second row and you on the front, but surely his dad wants to see him get married just as much as you.

It should be you, your ex and his best man (and his best mans girlfriend and daughter, as she’s flower girl) on the front row, and the others behind. Surely that would be the normal compromise, not his dad behind you, he has as much right to be there as you. Perhaps there’s a reason your son chose to do it that way.

That's not what she said.

She said she'd have expected to be in front along with his dad and his dad's girlfriend.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 24/10/2023 12:41

All2Well · 24/10/2023 12:15

His parents should be on the front row, but not necessarily grandparents and step relatives (unless he felt a step-parent took on more of a role than his mum/dad). It's delicate with blended families. But it is the norm to have your parents on the front row and I can see why you would be hurt.

This.

Knottgorse · 24/10/2023 12:43

Surely apart from the bride and groom the two next most important people are the Mother of the bride and the Mother of the groom?

I think your son has been influenced by his Dad. I always though front row was best man and on the other side of the aisle bridemaids. 2nd row is always the parents of the bride and groom.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 24/10/2023 12:43

Not a chance I would be sitting behind the dads girlfriend. Unless there's a backstory ie you cheated and broke the family apart.

CrazyHamsterLady · 24/10/2023 12:43

I’d be a little upset about that. Mother of the groom always seems to get the shitty end of the stick. That’s why we made sure that DH’s mum (who’s great BTW) had all the same opportunities for participation as my mum.

I think I’d be most miffed about being sat behind the girlfriend tbh but sadly, his wedding, his choice. Hope it goes well in the end.

Sconehenge · 24/10/2023 12:43

Ponderingwindow · 24/10/2023 12:38

I understand why you are unhappy about the 2nd row placement, but do not understand your suggested alternative. Grandparents, uncles, siblings. These are all second and even third row guests depending on the size of the family. The only people I would definitely expect on the first row would be the parents.

I’ve never been to a wedding where the adult bridal party sat down with the guests, only the children. So I could possibly see a spot for the a flower girl and a parent. But it sounds like they will be sitting so I guess groomsman does need a spot.

So if I had 6 chairs I would have to be
best man, flower girl, flower girls escort
father, mother, witness who in this case is step mother

mothers husband can sit in second row. Mother probably creates drama because her husband is in second row. So I move her to second row with her husband thinking that will be less objectionable.

children of parents who are not partnered really get the short end of the stick when it comes to weddings and other major life events. There is extra planning and more complicated logistics to manage. The parents should remember that they are the ones who created this extra work and try to make it easier, not harder.

This is what will have happened. Instead of splitting the couples they would have thought, let’s keep the parent couples together and do a dads row and a mums row. Because dads wife is a witness, dads row is front row. They will see the two front rows as special family rows. It would be nice if you are included in the ceremony in some way but not everyone is thoughtful like this, no matter how much they love you.

aSofaNearYou · 24/10/2023 12:44

I think you've probably convoluted it by expecting other relatives like your dad to be in the front row too. I can see expecting to be there as his mum, but not his grandad/uncle.

I also think chances are he thinks you wouldn't want to sit with his dad and would want to be with your own family, and that's why he's put you in the second row. If you made it clear you'd be happy to sit on your own next to his dad it might have been different.

bathrobeandpie · 24/10/2023 12:44

it IS hurtful and your son is behaving really badly to put his own mother behind the others.

It won't help you to make your relationship worst by having an argument about it. You would be more than silly to miss the wedding, you will be the one regretting the most and you will look like the MIL from hell!

Leave your own pride well out of it, it has no place here. Stop messaging, and look forward to the wedding.

i just feel that does he even really want me there
He does want you there, he just want you to stop talking about the seats.

Sometimes it really does not matter if you are right or wrong, let it go, and enjoy seeing your son's wedding.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.