Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

But he still lived with her until he was 28? Like it or not, he is snubbing her in her eyes, and he is being a bit nasty about it.

I agree that OP shouldn't make a fuss about all this. No drama. But it really is odd that people are pretending that this kind of thing doesn't make a difference.

Per tradition, his parents should sit together during the ceremony and at the top table (next to the groom’s parents, so my mum and DH’s father and my father and DH’s mother). Girlfriends are way down the pecking order.

I suspect this is mostly driven by the bride’s family, so you can choose to accept it and see him married or to take it personally and miss the wedding. If you do the latter you will be blamed for it I’m sure. Don’t get me wrong, you have every right to be upset, but when it comes to weddings the wishes of the bride and groom reign supreme I’m afraid.

OP you've got a choice go or stay away.

Would I be happy with what's happening absolutely not.

I think he's made it perfectly clear his preference for his Dad's side.

No point in bringing it up as he's made his choice.
I do understand how hurtful it is.

What? Because she is asserting himself as a human being with thoughts and feelings too, rather than just a facilitator of his wants?

Do you really need to be front row. If you are seating in the seat directly behind him on the aisle surely you are closer to him than at the front row? Other guests are unlikely to see you at the end of the front row either.

Clearly he is going to upset people however it’s done. Is it really worth destroying your relationship? My mum ruined my sister’s wedding with a tantrum about not being the centre of attention and it still upsets my sister 25 years later.

At the last hotel wedding I went to the celebrant called the 2 mums forward to the space at the front where the ceremony was taking place and spoke about them briefly. Can he ask them to do something like that so you don’t feel so left out?

We all know she’s going to go, don’t we? She is just upset and expressing the feeling of not wanting to go. You can tell from the post that she isn’t some narcissistic monster (the way her son addresses her for a start - people don’t treat narcs like that because they’d never get away with it. She is probably a nice person who doesn’t usually make a fuss.

So why is his dad's girlfriend signing the register instead of you, his own mother?
Sorry you're just not that important to him. The row is just an indication of that but it seems like everyone has a role to play in this wedding except you

I can see why you are upset .
Your son sounds quite nasty tbh dismissing your feelings and flaring in anger when you try to discuss them .

Congratulations on doing probably permanent damage to your relationship with your son over something that couldn't possibly matter less.

I also don't understand why a grandparent would be in the front row, or best man's wife, over the MOG?
Strange setup

People can live with someone who is over bearing for 28 years then break free.

Like it or not, they aren’t close, he’s made his choice and he feels like he doesn’t owe her this.

He will have his reasons.

As an adult child of divorced and remarried parents it pisses me off that this bullshit follows us into our bloody 30s. My DH parents are also divorced and remarried. Seating at our wedding was a nightmare.

He’s a son who wants his Dad and groomsmen (& therefore their other halves) close by. Stop trying to use your elderly father as an excuse to be petty that your exes girlfriend is sitting in front of you.

Well of course. OP has obviously had a different idea of where she is in her DSs "pecking order" of who he estimates higher in his family.

Her status is less than his father and his father's GF. And that is all well and good, but this revelation seems to have come as a shock to the OP. So she does need a bit of help, i think, to come to terms with her "new" reality, which her DS may have thought was perfectly clear.

Her understanding was that a child who lived with her until the age of 28 was someone she really had a close relationship with. He doesn't talk on the phone and is sending her messages she perceives as a bit mean and nasty.

Which is why i think in her shoes I'd go, take care of grandad, accept my new place in the family and only stay as long as i was comfortable.

And then going forward watch and see how things play out. Is he going to want free grandma babysitting on demand, but invite dad and gf over for Christmas every year? That kind of thing

Like it or not a LOT of families work like the politburo in the 1950s, where you stood in relation to the Party Leader on Lenin's mausoleum on the 7th November parade told the entire universe where you stood in his estimation/eyes.

But why? They are clearly not close because if they were she’d be prioritised.
OP said he lived with her until he was 28 he wouldn't do that if he wasn't close to her

It's interesting that you call your ex's partner his girlfriend not his partner but she's close enough to the couple to be a witness. I think you need to think about how this attitude comes across to your son and you may have your reason.

You should be on the front row instead of his dad's girlfriend.

His dad's girlfriend is a witness? You need to leave this, OP. It's not going to go well for you. Suck it up, be gracious and happy for your son on his big day. Your feelings aren't unreasonable but you need to accept your son's take on his life and how he wants things to be at his wedding.

Rise above it and be the beautiful grooms mum.

Do you know about the top table yet

Which is all well and good, but the reality here is that there is obviously only so many people who can go on the front row.

All of the people on the front row have an active role in the wedding.

The people behind just need to sit and watch.

OP's son and partner have decided that suits them to do it that way to avoid people having to fanny around pushing past etc. Seems perfectly reasonable, really.

Nobody at the wedding, nobody, is going to be thinking "oh, look, the mother of the bride is on the second row! How outrageous."

It’s a family event though, I don’t believe for one minute that there won’t be other relatives present to assist both grandparents if needed. I’m sure there are aunts, uncles and cousins who could all lend a helping hand if need be.

Wrong, other halves don't have to be sat together with the bridal party, especially not for a 20 min wedding ceremony!
Otherwise they'd take up loads of space.

It's really hard to tell from here whether OP's son actively dislikes her. Or just finds her easier to push over because others are more assertive and making more fuss.

If you really value people seating aside you find a way to include them in the wedding. We are having a rose ceremony for the mums, both sets of parents are signing the register and dads make the speech.

It's just about whose feelings you care about. For the woman who carried you for 9 months unless they're actively abusive and rude I think this is a small gesture of acknowledgement.

Again, if the OP's son values others over her fine. But that's just how it is. Whose fault we don't know but the seating is just a small Indication of bigger issues

Some of these responses are really nasty. Really seem to delight in sticking the boot in when OP is clearly down.

You can really tell the unhappy people and bullies by their posts on this thread.

I agree and as if they would be saying get a grip if it was happening to them. I also don't know why those helping have to be on the front seat, ie the witnesses.

I would feel SO upset if my son was happy with this seating plan and text me in that manner so I understand where you're coming from OP. I'd equally be tempted to not go!

However, my DM caused me so much grief about my wedding plans that she all but ruined the build up and it was relief when it was all over so I'd err on the side of caution before making any further contact with him about the plans. Whilst you don't want to upset him/his future wife before the big day, he does need to be aware that he has hurt your feelings. It can't all be one-way.

again, OP is doing nothing. As others said i suspect she'll suck it up because she wants to attend her son's wedding.

It obviously matters to OP. And also to her son or he'd do the regular and expected thing of putting his parents in the front at his wedding. That is how the vast majority of weddings are arranged in the UK from what i read and see.

The damage to the relationship has probably, in the son's eyes, already been done. Maybe OP knows what it is, maybe not.

But on this information only? DS is causing the damage because he has upset his mother with the arrangements. However justified (in his opinion) the arrangements are.