Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

I'm amazed we've hit page 39 and people are still only focussing on the seating arrangements and missing the more significant move the son has played (which makes me think there's even more backstory untold).

Why are they 'disingenuous?' There are genuinely some people who don't get ariated about where they sit at a wedding in comparison to where their ex partner's partner sits. Especially when everyone is in new relationships and has long since moved on. I can safely say that at no wedding I've ever attended have I noticed where the groom's mum was sitting for the ceremony. At the reception, maybe so. But this still comes safely under the heading of 'small stuff'.

The one surprising attitude I'd question the OP on - whilst being broadly sympathetic to her situation - is why this is such a big deal when huge issues with the behaviour of her son and his fiancee put the seating arrangements in the shade. I can understand why any mother would be very upset about her ex's partner being asked to witness the marriage instead of her: this to my mind is a far bigger slight than merely who sits where.

Choose your battles. That plenty of people wouldn't choose this as their hill to die on is far from surprising, nor leads to the automatic assumption that they must be lying.

I think placing your mother, the woman who birthed you and raised you till you left home at the grand old age of 28, behind your father's gf shows exactly how much you value her.
Yes there are certainly other issues going on in this family which need addressing but I as a mother would feel very hurt and seen as a lesser part of my son's life if I was seated behind a non family member.
Obviously opinions differ on this so we will have to agree to disagree.

STBDIL made one shitty comment 2 years ago. Since then the mother does not communicate with STBDIL, supports her wider family in ignoring the STBDIL and 2 years ago she told the son to move out with nowhere to go for a week, because of something the STBDIL said. It is the wedding of two people, and they have invited a big set of his family who openly dislike one of those two people. I think you are missing that second row is already a significant compromise here!

She invites her to lunch every six weeks or so. What are you talking about?

Why would a 28 year old have nowhere to go? Ever heard of hotels, airbnb, staying with his girlfriend, his father. Nowhere to go?

Torrent of abuse? From your own son?

I wouldn’t bother going, frankly.

Don't be so ridiculous. As pp has said she is invited out to lunch every few weeks with son which she declines each time.

Would you be happy if someone called your daughter an autistic spastic? I'd class that as far from just a "shitty comment" but a wholly unacceptable comment.

As for asking her son to move out with nowhere to go to for a week, for crying out loud this son is a 28 year old man. If he is incapable of finding somewhere to stay for a week then that is a sad reflection on him, his fiance and his own father.

When I posted a response, I'd only seen OPs first post. However, reading on, I think the son is behaving badly and deliberately so.
I think OP has 2 choices:

1. Don't "rise to the bait" as my late mother would say. Just go, and be seen to not be affected by the decision (as in pretending all is fine/not letting them see that they have upset you).

1. Don't go because the requirements you laid out can't be met. Whether that is given as the rationale or not, is up to OP. However, given the situation, I suspect OP would be made to seem in the wrong.

People like you are the reason elopements are growing in popularity.

Support. Your. Son.

In OP's position I'd be far more invested in supporting my daughter.

Albeit hoofing out the son a week before his home was ready seems an overreaction, it's not entirely clear whether his own actions personally merited it. If this happened purely as a result of DiL's comment, it's OTT. If it was owing to something the son himself did, this is a different matter. Couples are not two halves of the same person; each is individually responsible for what they do.

But no one who calls my child an 'autistic spastic' would be welcome under my roof.

People like you are the reason elopements are growing in popularity.

You win the award for the most stupid comment on the thread. 🤡

Support your son when he is with a woman who called his family member an autistic spastic - what is wrong with you ?

In OP's position I'd be far more invested in supporting my daughter.

Albeit hoofing out the son a week before his home was ready seems an overreaction, it's not entirely clear whether his own actions personally merited it. If this happened purely as a result of DiL's comment, it's OTT. If it was owing to something the son himself did, this is a different matter. Couples are not two halves of the same person; each is individually responsible for what they do.

But no one who calls my child an 'autistic spastic' would be welcome under my roof.

I agree with most of this. I don’t think it was an overreaction to ask him to move out early though. Regardless of an apology, I’d want some distance between everyone too. The son didn’t say the comment, but he tried to smooth it over for his GF. It shows a lack of care for his sister to minimise such a massive thing. OP acted in her daughters best interests at that time as the victim in this. Good for her!

Imagine how her poor daughter felt, if he’d have remained in the house, this woman may have been visiting, and/or the daughter would have had to be talking about it a lot and put under pressure to forgive. The daughter deserves to have peace in her own home and not have to face this woman or her brother who minimised the behaviour.

And, what the hell did he do to the cat? HE was mean to the cat, he’d be out of my house for that.

I would really struggle to have a relationship with a son willing to be ok with such nastiness towards his sister. I know my own son would be horrified. And he wouldn’t be mean to animals.

STBDIL made one shitty comment 2 years ago. Since then the mother does not communicate with STBDIL, supports her wider family in ignoring the STBDIL and 2 years ago she told the son to move out with nowhere to go for a week, because of something the STBDIL said. It is the wedding of two people, and they have invited a big set of his family who openly dislike one of those two people. I think you are missing that second row is already a significant compromise here!

A poor attempt to rewrite history. 🙄 You have literally made this account up.

You’re delusional.

I wouldn't be pleased, but I would expect a family to work towards forgiveness for one comment after years have gone by with multiple apologies, absolutely. More importantly, if someone can't possibly forgive it then they should absolutely not be attending this woman's wedding. A wedding should be about wishing two people happiness in their life together, if his family are not willing to welcome her then they have no business going at all. Some of you seem very blinkered here in missing that putting them in the second row despite their behaviour towards THE BRIDE is actually the son being considerate of his fiancee.

💐Here have some flowers. You can’t change anything so stop thinking about it all because you are just making yourself stressed.
It’s their wedding ceremony, let them have their day and wear your best smile. 😊

I wouldn't be pleased, but I would expect a family to work towards forgiveness for one comment after years have gone by with multiple apologies, absolutely.

I really would never forgive someone calling my child that. There’s no going back from it. How could there be, is such a disgusting thing to say.

*it is

Agree. And that should have been a dealbreaker for the son, too, if he were a halfway decent person.

Agree. And that should have been a dealbreaker for the son, too, if he were a halfway decent person.

Yep. My daughter is autistic, her brother is very protective of her. There’s is no way he would continue a relationship with anyone who thought and said such disgusting things about her. It’s unthinkable. Then again, he wouldn’t be mean to animals either. Sounds like the nasty arseholes are well suited.

I really would never forgive someone calling my child that. There’s no going back from it. How could there be, is such a disgusting thing to say.

Same. I hate this ‘all must be forgiven’ attitude. The only people who think all must be forgiven, are those that want to do nasty shit and get away with it. Fuck that.

It's fine for you not to forgive that comment, and for OP too. I can understand that opinion entirely, even if my preference would be apologies and education. Going to the woman's wedding isn't appropriate though if she is never to be forgiven, is it? Sitting in the front row at her wedding really isn't appropriate, is it?

She;s the one running the vendetta not the OP or her daughter. The daughter wanted to be polite and move on but the STBDIL couldn't accept that, why would the daughter want to be FB friends with her? The OP hasn't done anything wrong, she can't make her adult daughter want to be big buddies with the woman who insulted her.

I think this is all getting really twisted and people either aren't reading the OPs posts or just making things up for the sake of it.

It's fine for you not to forgive that comment, and for OP too. I can understand that opinion entirely, even if my preference would be apologies and education. Going to the woman's wedding isn't appropriate though if she is never to be forgiven, is it? Sitting in the front row at her wedding really isn't appropriate, is it?

I wouldn’t go. But honestly, talking about appropriateness is pointless. That ship sailed when this awful woman said what she did. OP has done nothing wrong, she’s protected her daughter.

I can understand why she feels annoyed over the wedding, it’s like this woman feels like she’s the one that’s been badly treated. What a ducking joke! If she was mature, she’d see what a terrible position she had put OP in in the past, an issue between her two children. Instead, she’s acting like a nasty bitch all over again and widening the rift in the family.