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Original poster

Groom's mum not on first row...

1000 replies

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 11:55

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

OP posts:
Pumpkinspicelattetime · 24/10/2023 12:45

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 24/10/2023 12:23

His dad's girlfriend and the best man's wife and child are in the front row? Those are ridiculous choices. It should be you, his dad, best man and grandparents.

How disrespectful of him. I would be getting there early and nabbing the front row for myself and my dad. Rude maybe, but I would NOT allow myself to be disrespected at my own son's wedding.

Those people are in the wedding party. They need to be able to get up and down easily. And really, you wouldn't allow yourself to be disrespected at your own son's wedding? How about having a little respect for him at his own wedding. Being in the second row is no hardship and is not disrespectful. You and the OP seem to love drama.

Brefugee · 24/10/2023 12:45

It is hurtful to OP. It is obviously something her DS has considered, and he has made his plan.
So far so hurtful.
Your DS has reasons (is his dad giving them a wodge of cash?) and the more you protest the more he'll dig in, i guess.

So you really have to decide what is the lesser of two evils. Go to the wedding, sit where you're allocated, do the kind thing, smile for photos, be kind etc etc.
Or you don't go and just accept that a) you're not as much of a priority in your son's life as his father and b) this may further damage your relationship.

Only you know the answer to this. In your shoes? I'd go, stay only as long as i felt comfortable and dial down my expectations for future events etc

Frabbits · 24/10/2023 12:45

muimper · 24/10/2023 12:37

I really can't imagine how petty and spiteful you'd have to be to not attend your son's wedding just because you aren't at the very front

Because it's not really about where you sit for 30 minutes. Its about how your valued compared to other family members.

Or.. it's that there is always limited seating at these things and to take which row you are sitting at as some sort of indicator of status is stupid.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 24/10/2023 12:46

Why on earth is his grandmother in the first row?!

You do not put your grandmother over your mother unless she brought you up which she evidently didn’t. If the second row is good enough for his grandfather, then his grandmother can sit there too; her son will still be on hand if needed just in front.

OP he knows he’s wrong hence why he’s being nasty in his messages, he’s basically angry that you’re calling out his behaviour and not overlooking it. If he genuinely thought he was doing nothing wrong then he would be mortified and upset instead, I know I would be if I inadvertently hurt my mum. I’d be apologetic and explain my reasoning etc. I wouldn’t be nasty ffs.

Brefugee · 24/10/2023 12:46

don't be disingenuous - of course where you sit is an indicator of status.

Ibravedaflood · 24/10/2023 12:46

Has his df paid for stuff and he feels obligated to seat him as more important?

Sconehenge · 24/10/2023 12:46

Especially you mention your own frail dad with bad legs, sounds like you need to be next to him as well, so perhaps he sees you as needing 3 seats - you, your husband and your dad, hence even more reason that you have your own row x

dcsp · 24/10/2023 12:46

Personally I wouldn't have done this if I was the couple getting married.

But the fact is that it's their wedding, and they can put you wherever they want (and everyone else wherever they want).

Reading between the lines, is it possible that they have a closer relationship with your ex and his family than with you? Or perhaps they see you as a bit of a nightmare? If either of these things is the case then I don't think you should be surprised.

Frabbits · 24/10/2023 12:47

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 24/10/2023 12:43

Not a chance I would be sitting behind the dads girlfriend. Unless there's a backstory ie you cheated and broke the family apart.

The GF is a witness which means she'll need to get up and sign register etc. Makes sense for her to be front row.

MyBlueDiary · 24/10/2023 12:47

Of course you should be in the front row. Do you and his dad get on well enough to sit together? The GF can sit with your new partner in the row behind.

DogInATent · 24/10/2023 12:47

Knottgorse · 24/10/2023 12:43

Surely apart from the bride and groom the two next most important people are the Mother of the bride and the Mother of the groom?

I think your son has been influenced by his Dad. I always though front row was best man and on the other side of the aisle bridemaids. 2nd row is always the parents of the bride and groom.

No. After the couple the witnesses are the next most important people in the room. Then anyone with a role in the ceremony. Then come the statics.

Civil ceremonies are often restricted for space and the couple can choose the seating arrangements as they see fit. And the traditionalists still want the whole ridiculousness of Home and Away sides of the seating.

I'm rather relived we pared out civil ceremony right down to the essentials. It avoids all of this.

Brefugee · 24/10/2023 12:47

the GF needs to get up to sign the register. She needs to be in the front row to facilitate that.

Frabbits · 24/10/2023 12:48

Brefugee · 24/10/2023 12:46

don't be disingenuous - of course where you sit is an indicator of status.

Says who?

It's not like they are being sent to the back in any case. The front row, as OP has said, is full of people with actual roles to play in the ceremony.

MikeRafone · 24/10/2023 12:48

I never realised there was a seating plan for the wedding ceremony. When my dd got married the bride and grooms immediate family took the front row. Split family on brides side but father of bride sat near mother of bride.

It seems that your son doesn't realise the relevance of who sits where and family do take president on that day.

ArcaneWireless · 24/10/2023 12:48

Brefugee · 24/10/2023 12:45

It is hurtful to OP. It is obviously something her DS has considered, and he has made his plan.
So far so hurtful.
Your DS has reasons (is his dad giving them a wodge of cash?) and the more you protest the more he'll dig in, i guess.

So you really have to decide what is the lesser of two evils. Go to the wedding, sit where you're allocated, do the kind thing, smile for photos, be kind etc etc.
Or you don't go and just accept that a) you're not as much of a priority in your son's life as his father and b) this may further damage your relationship.

Only you know the answer to this. In your shoes? I'd go, stay only as long as i felt comfortable and dial down my expectations for future events etc

This is sensible OP.

I also agree with Brefugee’s other post about knowing where you are in the pecking order and going forward accordingly.

Namerequired · 24/10/2023 12:48

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 24/10/2023 12:37

Of course I understand that but would your DC prioritise you at their wedding?

because all the details in OPs post are painting a picture.

Im not saying she was a shit Mum or overbearing or they weren’t close etc but everyone saying that she should be front row just cos she’s mum doesn’t make sense to me. What if they are just not close and he’s incredibly close to his step mum who he loves? OP can’t force her way ahead of everyone, he’s made his choice and I’m sure it stems from issues from way before this.

Show quote history

I would certainly hope he would as we are very close. His wedding and it running smoothly is surely number 1 priority though.
I also raised my dss and he has previously said he would have me there as mother of groom, though we will see if/when the time comes. He’s currently no contact with his mum though.
I think in the op though it maybe is just logistics rather than feelings. Those in the front row have an active role where they need to move about or are the partners of such. I can still understand her hurt though and I hope her son took the time to explain it. I’m not sure she’s willing to accept any answer as valid though

ActDottie · 24/10/2023 12:48

It’s just a bloody row at a wedding! Do people honestly get worked up about this? It’s probably been really stressful both your son and wife to be thinking about where to place everyone and you’re adding that stress. The wedding isn’t about you it’s about your son and fiancé.

Notmetoo · 24/10/2023 12:49

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 24/10/2023 12:15

You don’t know if you can go because you’re not in the front row?

I think the fact he wants all conversations via messages suggests he doesn’t trust you to keep your word from phone calls or that you won’t manipulate what was actually said.

You’re baffling me. I feel like you’re making this day way to much about you, you don’t get a say on where you’re sat or anyone else.

honestly, you’re baffling me. I think you’re being really unfair.

OP is hurt and I understand why. She has been close to her son she has looked after him al his life and he lived with her until he was 28.
She is scared that it signifies her son cares more about his father's girlfriend than he does her. It is upsetting and I think her son has probably got so tied up in wedding plans that he is forgetting about how this feels to his mum.
OP you are not being unreasonable to be upset but I think you will just have to take a deep breathe and accept it as it is. Go to the wedding hold your head up high, see your son get married and try to enjoy yourself as much as you can. It's just one day

flagwaver · 24/10/2023 12:49

madnessitellyou · 24/10/2023 12:05

He's right: he can put people wherever he wants. While I think he's probably not quite thought it through, ultimately, it's his choice and you'll still be there, watching him get married.

Who knows, maybe the front row might be willing to swap round at the start (your ds is unlikely to notice or care at this point!).

Weddings bring out the absolute worst in people. It's not all about you.

If the bride's family were demoted to the second row I think your response would be very different. It sounds like the OP's son is under the thumb well and truly.

GalaApples · 24/10/2023 12:49

Could you contact the fiancee and ask if you can have a seat in the front row? Your son sounds really unreasonable to not discuss it with you at all. Could backfire though, especially if the seating plan now is her idea and he won't stick up for his own family.

Brefugee · 24/10/2023 12:49

DogInATent · 24/10/2023 12:47

No. After the couple the witnesses are the next most important people in the room. Then anyone with a role in the ceremony. Then come the statics.

Civil ceremonies are often restricted for space and the couple can choose the seating arrangements as they see fit. And the traditionalists still want the whole ridiculousness of Home and Away sides of the seating.

I'm rather relived we pared out civil ceremony right down to the essentials. It avoids all of this.

Show quote history

but some people want all the pomp and pagentry of a wedding without the church / religious bit.

It is entirely possible to have a B&G and 2 witnesses and nobody else on a wet Tuesday morning, if that's what they want. I had a rather bigger affair, with B & G "sides" and a fair amount of formality. It was lovely and the registrar was fine about it. Rather jolly in fact.

ginasevern · 24/10/2023 12:50

@kittykitten

I think there's probably more to this than just your son being stressed about the wedding. For a start, why is your exH's gf a witness and not your DH who raised him from 7 years old? Also the fact that he won't communicate on the phone certainly suggests emotional avoidance. His torrents of abuse are obviously defence mechanisms. They are not simply down to stress. How well do you get on with his fiancee? Has there been any disagreements, awkward moments? I think it is possible that the fiancee doesn't care for you very much and your son will naturally be guided by his future wife. There certainly seems to be a leaning towards your exH and his gf. He obviously can't tell you this and his vitriol is a combination of guilt and frustration.

purplecorkheart · 24/10/2023 12:50

It does sound like the groom has given the seating arrangement some thought and has picked for what works for him. I don't necessarily agree with the seating plan and can 100% see why you are hurt. However at the end of the day it is the Bride and Groom's day. Seat where you assigned with good grace otherwise it could end up with the Bride and Groom going low contact with you.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 24/10/2023 12:50

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth maybe he's putting his grandmother in the front row to keep her with her side of the family and so her son (his dad) can support her if needs be. And then has done the same with his mum and grandad. This isn't unusual when parents choose to split up.

Spareus · 24/10/2023 12:51

It doesn’t matter where you sit. What matters is being there.

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