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AIBU?

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Original poster

Groom's mum not on first row...

1000 replies

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 11:55

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 24/10/2023 12:24

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

Sorry I think this is all wrong. I’ve just checked my wedding photos as I couldn’t remember who sat where (shows the significance!) and the people on the front row are my parents (as dad gave me away), bridesmaids who walked down the aisle, witnesses so they can easily get up to do their bit, followed by the parents of the flower girls so they can be ready to catch/look after the little ones after they’ve done the aisle and the best man to give the rings. Basically it was entirely to do with access and who’d be needed at what point during the ceremony and nothing to do with favourites etc. My in laws were on the second or third row along with grandparents etc.

Unless you’re deeply religious I can’t see why this is such a big deal as presumably you’re on the top table for the meal? I assume the GF needs to be on the front row as she’s a witness?

MintJulia · 24/10/2023 12:24

It sounds like your ds has a lot of family and they can't all be front row.

I don't know whether you are amicable with your ex. Whether you are close to your son, but in the end, it is his wedding, not yours.

I can see that it's hurtful but rise above it, show really class and good grace, and do your best to make their day a happy one. Considering not going along because of a seating plan is absurd.

Brefugee · 24/10/2023 12:25

Well, upsetting as it is you know where you officially come in the pecking order. So if he ever asks you for something, tell him to ask those above you on the list?

You don't have to go if you think being in the 2nd row will be worse than not being there, though.

SecondUsername4me · 24/10/2023 12:25

It says in the opening post that his dad's girlfriend is a witness -so I can only assume they have a close relationship?
.makes sense to have the witnesses on the front row.

Honeylemonandginger · 24/10/2023 12:25

I am sorry OP I can understand why this would be hurtful. I would still attend the wedding as you would probably regret not being there later. If my child did something similar I would be equally upset.😢

Flamingogirl08 · 24/10/2023 12:26

This is why I eloped. Other people's expectations of your wedding are really stressful.

XpelairHamPortal · 24/10/2023 12:26

Good grief. Do people really get this hung up about sitting about 4 feet further away from the action? Maybe I'm too laid back in life but I really can't imagine getting so worked up about something so trivial.

babetyouknow · 24/10/2023 12:26

The front row is people in the wedding party.

Why do you think your husband should be in the front row and dads GF should be behind?

Sunshineclouds11 · 24/10/2023 12:27

I agree he has a lot of family so someone is bound to be upset.

YANBU to be upset but YABU to not attend your sons wedding because of it.

20 mins, 30 mins max you'll be sitting there?
I can't say I've noticed who sits where at weddings to be entirely honest so no one will better an eye lid.

He is right that he can pick who goes where etc, it's unfair to add additional stress, and then not turn up cause of it.

Cosyblankets · 24/10/2023 12:27

Don't think we had a seating plan I'd have to check.

This part of the wedding is over in what, 20 minutes?

RoachFish · 24/10/2023 12:28

peachgreen · 24/10/2023 12:18

Also, it makes sense. The people on the front row are the ones taking part in the ceremony (best man and dad's girlfriend who's a witness).

I agree, they have to be front row really. So that doesn't leave enough chairs for OP, step relatives etc. It also makes sense that his dad sits with his partner if the partner is a witness and that the best man's wife sits at the front in their girl is flower girl. If it's just six seats and there is only one space left after the people who are in the wedding party has been seated (the grandmother's seat) it would have meant that only the OP could have had a seat at the front. Not her husband or anyone else.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 24/10/2023 12:28

webster1987 · 24/10/2023 12:18

I'm really surprised at the negativity in the responses here!!

YANBU in my opinion to be upset. Both sets of parents, and partners, could be at the front so neither parent feel excluded. I had this exact same consideration at my wedding and can't imagine putting them on any other row. This meant bridesmaids/groomsmen were 3rd row back as other family members went second.

Unfortunately OP, I don't think theres much you can do bur accept his decision but i very much understand your upset

But why? They are clearly not close because if they were she’d be prioritised.

Myself and my Mum are not close, I would not have her dictate to me anything about my wedding.

OP comes across as if she thinks she has a right to be at the front purely because she’s his Mother but we have no idea what their relationship is truly like.

harriethoyle · 24/10/2023 12:28

Totally agree that this is very hurtful OP but you must suck it up and go - you will create a lifetime of ructions if you don't. Be the bigger person but I do think he is in the wrong.

SecondUsername4me · 24/10/2023 12:29

So, 6 seats:-

  1. Groom's father
  2. Groom's grandmother
  3. Witness (happens to be Groom's father's partner)
  4. Best Man
  5. Bridesmaid
  6. Best Man's wife (who is there to mind the Bridesmaid and the Best Man's infant)
Babochan88 · 24/10/2023 12:30

Dad and mum should be at the front row - end of. It’s disrespectful and sad to hear this. All other people can be decided after, but the actual parents should deffo be at front row.

However, it’s his wedding and he has final say, sorry you’re in this position op

IsThereABarUpThere · 24/10/2023 12:30

I'd understand if they were on the top table and you weren't, but this is seating in the venue when they marry.

The people involved at the wedding will need to get up to the front with minimal fuss.

You can't expect your family to be on the front row too, space is limited.

I can see why it would upset you, but this is a huge something out of nothing situation.

If you really don't go to the wedding because you are told to sit in the second row and not first, that says more about you than him.

TiredMamOfTwo · 24/10/2023 12:30

YABU. It's just a seat. If needs be get there first and tell your ex's girlfriend to move for you.

VickyEadieofThigh · 24/10/2023 12:31

Yep, me too. It was my mother trying to tell me who "should" be invited that made us cancel the original wedding (which going to be very small indeed) and just take 2 mates down the register office, then go for a curry!

lunar1 · 24/10/2023 12:31

I think I've followed it, and I think you have massively over complicated something very simple and he's not heard the significant bit.

You shouldn't have been put behind your sons step mum. Never mind anything else in your op. Can you just ring him and tell him the specific thing that's upsetting you.

Because if you explained it the way you have in the op, I think you might have overwhelmed him when he's already stressed.

justjeansandanicetop · 24/10/2023 12:31

I thought at first it was just the fiancées family on front row. In which case I'd be annoyed.

I'd be less annoyed about this because it's due to the family being split (step parents etc) so there just wouldn't be room for everyone.

Would possibly still be a bit upset, but it doesn't seem as unfair as the first scenario would have been.

SecondUsername4me · 24/10/2023 12:32

I'd understand if they were on the top table and you weren't, but this is seating in the venue when they marry

Oh lordy, I'm not sure if the op has been told where she is sitting for the meal.

peachgreen · 24/10/2023 12:32

Bloody hell, some of these responses are mad. Considering not attending your son's wedding because the people actually taking part in the wedding are sitting in front of you is... ridiculous.

margotrose · 24/10/2023 12:33

It never ceases to amaze me how worked up people get about absolutely nothing.

AnaisMae · 24/10/2023 12:33

I cant believe people actually care about shit like this. In this situation, you'd do me a favour if you didn't turn up.

Namerequired · 24/10/2023 12:33

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 24/10/2023 12:15

You don’t know if you can go because you’re not in the front row?

I think the fact he wants all conversations via messages suggests he doesn’t trust you to keep your word from phone calls or that you won’t manipulate what was actually said.

You’re baffling me. I feel like you’re making this day way to much about you, you don’t get a say on where you’re sat or anyone else.

honestly, you’re baffling me. I think you’re being really unfair.

Not necessarily. My 17yr old hates talking on a phone. I say hate but it’s much more than that, he really struggles to do it. He’s autistic.

In answer to op, you aren’t wrong to feel put out or upset, but I think you need to suck it up. I would have assumed the dad and gf raised him by the post but you say not so it is a little strange. His step mum must be important to him though if he has made her a witness. Maybe it is a case he needs her at the front, same as the best man and flower girl (I would expect them to be front tbh), and it’s actually his dad is only there because of the gf role. Is there a top table? These things are so difficult in blended families.
I think you need to suck it up or this could turn into long term resentment from your son. It’s just a day.

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