Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Sadly they do.
It should be a celebration of the couple, but there's often someone else trying to turn it into Nanny Ogg's sideboard and make it about them.

I agree that the mum and dad should be in the front row, not especiallythe grand-parents though

but the second paragraph would make you look like a complete loon and a MIL from hell. You don't start to make a scene at your son's wedding. Seeing it as being being "disrespected" is just over-reacting, and frankly, the worst you attack, the more people will understand why the dad is with a new girlfriend.

If it helps, I think the problem is that your immediate "side" of the family (you, your husband, your dad, the two stepsiblings who I presume are your husband's kids and DS's uncle who I presume is your brother) is much bigger than his dad's immediate "side" (him, his girlfriend, his mum).

I expect your son has started with the (correct IMO) perspective that the BM and flower girl need to be in the front row for practical reasons - and that the little girl's mum and baby sibling should be with them. That leaves only three seats and your ex's side fits in those three seats and your side doesn't.

So I don't think it's a personal slight. Some people would put their divorced parents together but many others wouldn't and I've seen all different permutations of parents at weddings - usually they can't all sit at the front.

For the sake of your son I think you need to try to get over this, as it sounds like a purely practical decision and it's clear that the two of you are already squabbling about it e.g. "if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen". Organising a wedding is stressful, there isn't just one important relative to please there are MANY, and who sits where is not a competition. The alternative for you is you badger your son to death about it or stay away from the wedding (!!!!) - the consequence of either will be that your relationship deteriorates further and may not recover.

Why are people like this? Surely he would know how upset this would make any mother? This would kill me - especially as the girlfriend will go up and sign the register meaning that she will be playing a big role in proceedings.

I hate some of the responses you’ve had and I don’t believe for a moment that the posters saying you should suck it up would be able to do that so easily themselves.

However, have a little cry, have a big angry rant on here - it doesn’t matter what the naysayers think, then pick out a fabulous outfit, make sure you look your absolute best on the day, dry your tears and hold your head up high. On the day just enjoy yourself and be there for your son. I hope you have a fabulous day.

don't do that...

Right or wrong, your son is already pissed off about the discussion.

You won't win anything by making it 10 times worst.

This strange world of 'I can do whatever one likes and no-one has any right to be upset by it but just has to accept it as my right' is a really unpleasant one. When did society adopt self-obsession as a core value? This awful cult of ' 'Myself'. It gets promoted a lot on here, as if its a standard that we should all adhere to rather than unedifying self-centredness.

Sure its his wedding, but he should be acting with normal expectations to those invited. And not putting your own mum on the front row is appalling.

Of course its hurtful. YANBU.

oh come off it. We all know sitting Harry behind the cousins at the coronation meant he's being demoted in the family's eyes, and weddings are no different.

In my case it would mean putting my parents, my DHs parents and any living grandparents in the front row, siblings after that and uncles & cousins after that.

If i had grown up with my parents not together, and I was equally involved with both they would be in front. If their spouses couldn't fit, they'd have to go behind with the cousins. Unless i highly rated them, then possibly in the siblings row.

We do this kind of heirarchy of people who are important in our lives all the time, mostly without even thinking about it (crossing people off a christmas card list is a big thing for some) and outsiders will definitely look on and draw conclusions.

The key is to do what is right for you and stuff the judgy onlookers. It doesn't stop them though

I can see why OP is upset.

But I can also see why it’s impossible to accommodate everyone when you’re dealing with divorced parents and new partners. There aren’t that many front row seats.

But it sounds like there’s some backstory which means he favours his dad, which I’m sure heightens OP’s feelings of being left out.

Wrong. Traditional seating has the parents of the nuptial couple on the front row. That is what led to OP's expectation; she didn't draw this out of thin air. Of course the parents have a place of honour, not just "an invite." FFS.

Front row should be:
OP OP's Husband Grandpa Father of Groom Father of Groom's Girlfriend

someone can sit with the flower girl on the aisle of the second row.

I think you're being a little ridiculous and to consider not even going over this!?
Everyone in the front row, bar grandma, has some sort of role in the ceremony so they are sitting in the front row. Makes sense to me. I don't think its a slight against you.
This is one of the reason I eloped, such pettiness over a seat for 20 mins.

There's something else going on here, and your line about 'When you left his Father' is probably key to this.

Could there be some lingering resentment over the split? Doesn't matter how long ago it was and that he lived with you..maybe he carries guilt over making that choice and wants to make ammends by having Dad and GF playing a more prominent part in the wedding.

It’s just a bloody row at a wedding! Do people honestly get worked up about this? It’s probably been really stressful both your son and wife to be thinking about where to place everyone and you’re adding that stress. The wedding isn’t about you it’s about your son and fiancé.

and if your son or daughter got married and other people sat in front of you at the ceromony, you'd be happy with that? If at the wedding breakfast you were left out of the top table you'd be fine, everyone else is on the top table but not you - its just another meal.

Its not really an normal day, or a normal occurrence and the message it sends is very distinct

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel hurt, but I do think you would be unreasonable to argue about it or not attend.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Go, smile, enjoy the wedding, be the gracious mother of the groom.

Just to add - I love and get on very well with my parents but one of them raised a level of fuss about something (very anodyne) about my wedding and it still hurts to remember it now. It's one day and unless there's a really good reason to refuse, it's kind to just go along, do what you're asked and be good natured about it.

I get you OP.
It was one of my biggest concerns that I would be pushed to the second (or even 3rd) row at my gran's funeral, when I had cared for her alongside my mum for 5 years, while her siblings who has done sweet FA played the grieving relatives. In the end it was not the case, the kind lady vicar made sure of it, but it worried me for weeks. It 'shouldn't' matter but it does - I get it.

but do you understand why they made the fuss though? was it of the kind of "not putting the grooms mum on the top table but the his dads GF was"?

Honestly... what ever arrangement here someone would be hurt.
Best man needs to be front row. The witness and flower girl plus parent doesn't necessarily but does need an accessible seat (aisle seat for example). Splitting couples can be rude. There's no indication of how the parents get on with each other.

No one should have got nasty. But the slight probably wasn't intentional.

Be the bigger person... apologise for causing stress and be miffed privately.

loving together doesn’t mean they were close.

perhaps she’s right, DS is closer to Step Mum then her. Maybe her behaviour and response to him here is an example of why.

But we only have the OPs view here - maybe this is indicative of the reality of the relationship? We don't know.

He is being unreasonable expecting his own mother to sit behind her ex's GF. I would be mortified to be looking at the back of another woman's head at my own son's wedding.

However, I do think that you are going about it the wrong way and are making it sound all about you. Some thoughts need to stay in your head!

Are you on good terms with your ex; would he do the gentlemanly thing and suggest that he and/or the GF sit on the second row?

his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby

Dad's girlfriend and the best man's wife and baby should be on a different row (the flower girl is sat with her dad so doesn't need her mum and baby sibling there). You should be on the front row.

his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

Step family shouldn't be on the front row though. Just say you're upset that you birthed him and he's choosing his step mum and best man's wife over you.

I also expect your son feels he can treat you like this as you are his Mum and he takes you for granted as the person who will always meet his needs.
He is angry at you trying to assert yourself as a person with your own feelings and perspectives, rather than centring him.

If this is how he treats his wife, you may get a shot at the front row at his next wedding.

Someone has to sit on the front row......... someone has to sit behind. With a lot of family involved thats even more so the case.
I can see why you are miffed but I voted yabu because I think your son has made a decision and you need to respect that.

Every wedding I've ever attended, in church or in hotel, has had extra seats set off to the side, perpendicular to the main pews, for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to use when the officiant is conducting the ceremony.

This includes several weddings in which I've been an adult bridesmaid. We never sat in the front row of the guest seats.

Why can't the hotel do a similar set-up?

Yes I’d be happy with that. Because the day isn’t about me. It’s the bride and groom’s choice not mine.