Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Well yes, but it isn't OP and her DD who have gone NC (over what was said), they just wanted to move on from it.
Its the DIL and DS who have gone NC apparently simply over dd not accepting a friend request.

There is definitely another side to this.

Hardly an apology, sounds like a 10 year old's Sorreeee and the OP should not have been expected to take the role of peacemaker to get the future inlaw out of the hole she's dug for herself.
I wonder had it been her mother would she have been pushed into the cheap seats to appease the man's anger at her?

At your own son's wedding, would you really want to be sat behind your ex's 'new' woman?

I think that as folks go, I'm more rational and calm than most. But I'd be incredibly hurt if my replacement was on the front row at my own child's wedding, while I sat behind.

I wouldn't be threatening not to go, or having online rows with my DC, but I'd be deeply hurt.

Oh lordy. How did I miss that there'd been a gazillion posts since then?

@Bookworm20 it sounds from the OP that they blame her for the other siblings not wanting to be best friends with the fiancee (and why would they after such an offensive remark). It sounds like B&G to be think everyone should act as if she never said such an offensive term. I assume the siblings are doing the minimum they need to do for their half brother but not wanting to socialise etc with the couple

@Waitwhat23 think you are on the wrong thread

Wow , what a nasty , misogynistic post.

Dad’s on front row first end seat for after he’s walked me down the aisle, the rest of the row for bridesmaids. My mum on second row first seat with the rest of the row being my family.

Personally I don’t agree with a position that words spoken in a moment, no matter how terrible, should be regarded as completely unforgivable, especially for a one-time offence and with a (sincere) apology.

I don’t think that’s a pro-social or valuable position to hold tbh.
Especially towards family.

People say things they don’t mean and that they deeply regret all the time. Words are not permanent and people can learn and change. I’d much rather live amongst people and within a society where that is recognised, and yet people mess up and say horrible stuff once in a while.

We can agree to disagree 🤷🏼‍♀️

But @Tandora that word has such a derogatory meaning, how can anyone use it by accident or in the heat of the moment?

i agree that it is deeply derogatory and I don’t mean to underestimate how offensive those words are at all, but people say deeply derogatory things all the time by accident and in the heat of the moment. In this case it doesn’t seem likely that it was by accident, perhaps the gf was enraged by something and was blowing off steam in a fit of temper- we don’t know. That is not to say it’s acceptable , of course it isn’t, and the daughter had every reason to be deeply hurt and upset . But these things do happen, and in my view , ought to be forgivable.

I’ve never said anything like that myself, but I’ve definitely said things in a moment that I wished I could take back almost as soon as they came out my mouth. I imagine most people have at some point.,

@OhmygodDont

yes exactly. You might want to reflect on why you have so much internalised misogyny. It’s never too late to learn and turn things around

I think you need to go to Specsavers!!

I do agree there is everything wrong with the seating plan!

Were you present?

All these comments telling mum to just crack on and get on with it. Can't believe people would be saying that. Most of them probably have never been put in that situation - ever.
Of course mum shouldn't just suck it up. That is one of the biggest 2 fingers up to your mum you could give.
Doesn't matter about tradition or it's the brides day and its their wedding. Absolutely disrespectful on a high scale.
I dont believe if put in that situation 50% of you mums (as in the poll) would just go.
It's his mum and of course they know what they are doing by their actions. They all know.
Just evil.
Like I really believe all you mums out there would just suck it up.

What because I don’t think the sun shines out your arse because you give birth 😂

I’ve birthed three children thanks. They don’t owe me anything I made the choice to have them and raise them. Their weddings if they get married they can plan however they want, a circus theme or a beach with nobody else or vegas as long they they are happy with their day.

I've also birthed and raised three children, very well in fact. I expect a level of respect!!

@OhmygodDont

I’m so sorry fo you that you feel that your children down owe you respect as their mother. Out of interest what do you think does earn respect? Because I can’t think of anything more worthy of respect than the toils and hardships of motherhood.

I can’t believe anyone thinks your comments are misogynistic 😂 Well done on your healthy and positive attitude.

Being a good person and decent human being who doesn’t expect automatic respect but actually earns it has respect.

Thinking you have rights in somebodies else’s adult life doesn’t make you a person to respect. It makes you an entitled ass, thinking your adult children owe you a debt because you birthed and raised them makes you an ass.

Nobody, nobody automatically deserves respect as an adult just because of who they are, how old they are or if they gave you some dna.

This adult child who pays for their own wedding, their own house yada yada and mother barely have a relationship let alone respect for each other what more could the op expect.

worthy of respect smh. Type of attitude sucks.

I think he is totally wrong and you are right to be upset. You should definitely be in the front row as should his dad. It’s hurtful and insulting. Even if he thought he had good reason ( and there’s none that would prioritise his dads gf and paternal grandmother over his mother ) he has been incredibly thoughtless as has his wife to be

@Treesinmygarden
I agree with you, my reply was to @pineapplecrushed who was telling you there was nothing wrong with the seating arrangement. There is everything wrong with it.
The people on here saying they wouldn't mind sitting behind the ex husbands gf are being disingenuous at best.

I would be equally as upset. You are not being unreasonable.

Yeah I’d not be happy being sat behind dads girlfriend. If I was the girlfriend in this situation I would be swapping seats with the mum.
Assuming your relationship is as good as you think it is