What amount of money would you give to help another mother?

[ShrigleyInc]

What amount of money would you give to a single mother / mother of one/two child(ten) who is actually facing huge destitution this month because pay has come in late, bills have risen, demands on finances (debt repayments and utility bills increasing)have risen (due to age of child and time of year) despite only able to live on basics for over two years?

The person is in your circle, maybe close, maybe distant. You may or may not like them. Your children may or may not like their child/ren.

Yet, on the principle of helping, where you can, you would, if asked (not that this is likely as the person in poverty has extreme shame in being in this situation, but is somehow connected to you) - would you do the following, if at asked?

Help by giving:
£100...because you can with no knock on effect to your life
£300...because you can with no knock on effect to your life
£500...because you can with no knock on effect to your life
£Even more because you can....

I ask this for the following reasons: does the help have to be close to home / not too close - ie you need distance if you were asked.

or, does help just have to be needed in the outside world?

What are your actual principles on giving financial help?

I pay a monthly fee to UNICEF, because I believe it is good to do. But I got to thinking, there are many closer to us who need it, so what would you do?

Really interested.

Honestly? Giving money doesn't help.

I'd be more likely to offer financial help to restructure debts, help them find training to improve work prospects etc, make sure they're getting all the right benefits etc - look for the cause of their financial insecurity and help to fix it.

Giving money just solves the short term issue but tends to leave people reliant on handouts to make ends meet rather than trying to fix the underlying.

I also believe it doesn't help when charity starts intervening where the state should be - loads of people subsiding their mates with cash hides a problem the local councils and governments need to see the impact of to fix.

The macro version of this op is what tends to happen when money is given to third world countries. It doesn't get used to best effect, it often simply leaks into a continuous cycle of poor financial management.

Its better to build infrastructure (schools, roads, railways, mobile phone masts), provide vaccines, sanitation & water treatment, train engineers & doctors, take steps to help poor countries limit brain drain.

Depends where you give it. Many grassroots charities doing amazing work. It's developing countries.

I am even less inclined to give to someone like the OP after all the haranguing about 'principles'.

Depends where you give it. Many grassroots charities doing amazing work. It's developing countries.

Some - there are also loads that are a complete waste of time - often religious backed ones, teaching people low paid self employment skills like sewing and hairdressing that won't enable the economy they live in to grow and provide better quality employment to people, meanwhile there is often a shortage of highly skilled people in these countries and expats are brought in to fill posts.

I have given to people directly and in my experience doing so is a case of "no good deed goes unpunished." So now I only give through charities because it puts some distance between me and the person receiving money, which protects me from being harassed by the person wanting more money or any other uncomfortable situations.

So if you’re not prepared to hand over cash to someone in your circle in need you have no principles?

I don’t give people money, I don’t buy random people food or shopping, I’m happy to offer practical help, help them find more structured sources of help, look at local community resources but I don’t give money.

My principles and morals are absolutely fine, before you comment, I just don’t give people money.

The only redeeming quality you seem to have based on this thread is giving to UNICEF. All very weird and snotty.

Me too. It takes no emotional toll for many to ask for money, especially these days (there are lots of begging scams) and that energy would be better channelled into improving their own circumstances rather than leaching off others using guilt trips.

Someone following me round whining about principles and begging for my hard earned cash as if they are somehow entitled to it is in no way the same as my deciding to donate to charity of my own free will or campaigning for better public services.

It really depends.

If I could afford it I would have to know the person well and like them before I would give them money. I would give as much as I could afford and would go without to help someone I love who was in dire straits.

I would not give to strangers who may well be con artists,

or give to manipulative guilt trippers,

or give to unpleasant or entitled people

or give to people I've given to before who've turned out to be piss takers who expect others to constantly bail them out,

or give to people who make selfish choices then expect others to bail them out because Think Of My Children (that I didn't think of when I was spending money selfishly and unwisely)

For someone who has asked people to be honest and who is just curious, and I think said something about not judging but I'd have to go back and double check - your replies are interesting. Insulting those who wouldn't just hand money over regardless the situation and suggesting we're awful people.

So there's only one right answer to your question then and it's chuck money at this hypothetical person?

I tied myself in knots to find a way to pass some 'no strings' money, to someone in a financially abusive relationship.
She had repeatedly let me know about her terrifying financial situation, without ever requesting so much as a loan.
She was defaulting on debts, couldn't afford transportation or food. Really sad.
I didn't want to embarrass her.

I eventually found a way to give her £50 in a way that didn't seem suspicious, or treating her as a charity case.
She immediately used it to buy something unnecessary for the abusive partner.

She still tells me regularly how scared she is, and how poor she is.
Unfortunately I could donate my entire salary, and I don't think it would ultimately help her.
It would just enable the situation to continue.

Giving money to someone who didn't qualify for food banks or benefits is often well meaning enabling.
Not always, but often.
There are lots of ways to improve your financial situation, if you value yourself enough to improve it. Personal responsibility is huge (I speak from experience).

If I provide food, then that would free up money to pay some debts etc.if I knew the child needed school shoes, I may take her out shoe shopping or order some of the internet for her.

I haven’t got the funds to sort out major financial problems. If she can’t pay her debts, bills etc, then she needs to ring social services to get the necessary help, or woman’s refuge, or Shelter etc. She needs to contact the companies that she owes money to to explain the situation and get help. Most companies nowadays have funds, schemes etc for those in need. She may even have to declare herself bankrupt.

If this person was a family member (who I liked!), or a close friend, I would probably give them a small amount of cash (£100 - as this is the smallest on offer on your list) - and help in other practical ways, such as buying groceries or other essentials (clothing/shoes for child etc) as required.

We are not wealthy people, like many on here - pensioners living on modest pension income - but if I can help someone in need, then I will.

No, I wouldn't give money to a random single mother and your bitchy replies won't help you get what you are trying to achieve.

I've never been asked directly for money by anyone.

However, I'm very, very aware of my fortunate financial position and how it compares with that of others.

I volunteer two days a week, to support the local community.

As said earlier, I pay part of a friend's rent every month. She has no idea about this and never will. I will pay this for as long as it is needed - potentially for years.

I consider it part of my community and social responsibility to support others when I can.

I also, with a few others, give anonymous gifts and support at Christmas to families in my local community who might otherwise go without.

There is never an expectation of acknowledgement or thanks. That's not why we do it.

Secretsupport i think op was suggesting that the types of help you provide are no substitute for being willing to simply give people completely unrestricted cash.

Op most people are wary to give cash because more often than not, a big factor in how the recipient has ended up needing financial support is poor decision making, lack of budgeting skills etc. Many people do give cash at one stage or another only to be disappointed when the recipient makes poor choices about how its used. Its a mistake they don't make again.

Not sure if this is relevant but when we see a homeless man outside, DH will occasionally buy them a sandwich and criticises me for giving money as he says they might spend it on alcohol.

I give fags and money as I feel that if I were homeless I probably wouldn’t want to be sat outside Sainsbury’s sober either… who am I to say that he should eat a sandwich rather than drink a beer? 🤷🏽‍♀️

I wouldn’t give money to a random single mother either or any stranger.

I would help out my immediate family or a friend if they were desperate otherwise all of what I earn is spent on my children.

I don't understand the question, and I have a degree in language :-/

But I would give nothing because I have £3.57 in my account, and my son is asking me how he can warn £10 from me to buy a birthday present for his brother.

@Bex5490 i’m with your husband and always buy food.

*earn!

Ok, OP - so in principle then - if I had shitloads of money and it was no issue I'd happily give lots away.

It's pretty easy to have principles if you have money, imo. And 'in principle' it's easy to make these hypothetical promises.

Well you’re probably both more principled than me then!

I would help close family and maybe a friend but depends on the circumstances