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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent 'golddigger' comments?

193 replies

englishexpat · 23/10/2023 14:59

Although this may come across poorly, this is an issue I don't feel I can discuss with friends 'in real life'. I would be grateful for your advice. My sister-in-law suggested posting here anonymously.

I am a man in my early 50s, with 4 children {with my ex-DW}.
We divorced a few years ago, and I am fortunate to be in a relationship with my new partner.

I live with my partner and my youngest daughter, who is a pre-teen. Although the transition was challenging, I feel we are all fairly settled.

The issue is {and please don't take this as a joke} that my partner & I keep finding ourselves on the receiving end of 'banter' along the lines of her being a gold digger, and / or jokes with a sexist undertone implying I am just involved with her for her appearance.

For context, she is 13 years younger than me, (and my ex-wife), but also perhaps looks younger - people assume she is early rather than late 30s. She is beautiful, but this is obviously not the sole reason I am interested in her!

I earn a decent salary, nothing mad - but it is clear I am well-off because of my family background.

When these comments are made, I either try to diffuse with humour or, if it's really on the nose, to speak against it.

However I am well aware this kind of response may come across as even more heavy-handed.

It causes some tension in our relationship as well. My partner is successful in her career, but it is not a lucrative line of work. I want to look after and support her & am happy simply to share my good fortune. But she feels uncertain about this.

Two of my daughters have also implied my new partner is in it for the money, to put it bluntly.

Apologies for the long post. I am aware this may come across as ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 15:01

In addition... we live in a European city where I have spent most of my adult life & speak the language, whereas she is less confident. That may be relevant here as I feel the slight language barrier makes her less assertive than is her natural inclination

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 23/10/2023 15:02

It must hurtful especially when coming from your own daughters. To be quite blunt I would respond with something like well nasty comments will get you cut out of the will quicker than anything and wink. But I do really think they find the prospect of a partner who could well out survive you by a number of years a threat to their perceived inheritance!

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 15:06

To be honest if I were a gold digger a man with 4 kids and the expenses that they incur wouldn’t be my ideal prey.

Dweetfidilove · 23/10/2023 15:06

Tell them the only people who worry about gold-digging are men with no ‘gold’ and/or those hoping to inherit/benefit from your gold (your children/family members).

WitcheryDivine · 23/10/2023 15:16

Apart from your daughters, who else is making these comments? It's hard to know how to respond without knowing whether this is a colleague, someone at a bar or your siblings for example.

TBF I expect for every one who says it out loud, there are a lot more thinking it.

If you had got together with a much better off woman in her 70s, people would have said the same about you.

IMO is quite natural for people to wonder why someone would get together with a much older person (especially if the perceived age gap looks even bigger) over someone closer to them in age, and the most boring and obvious reason is money. You clearly have a good bit more money than her (what do you mean re: family background? that your parents are well off for example?) so people don't need to wonder any further.

I think firstly you need to ask yourself whether there's even the smallest grain of truth in this. If you were broke and in the same line or work as your partner, do believe in your inmost heart that she would have gone for you? If it's a yes then when it comes to your daughters I'd have a chat with them both (when you're out without your partner) and explain why you'd like them to stop saying it, but also ask what their concerns are.

All2Well · 23/10/2023 15:26

I think it's because people perceive a power imbalance and it's their way of expressing their distaste.

It's always going to come up, it's just the way people are...an older wealthy man with four kids and a much younger more physically attractive than him woman...people will always read into that as there is often an element of truth to the stereotype.

You'll either need to develop a thick skin and laugh off the banter, distance yourself from people or only have relationships with women your own age who have careers equal to yours.

ActDottie · 23/10/2023 15:41

I can see how it’s hurtful.

Id try come up with a form but polite phrase you can say such as “oh I didn’t know you knew the ins and outs of our relationship” or something sarcastic enough they know to back off. And keep saying it until they get the message. Or just say “I’m uncomfortable with you making comments about my wife’s appearance/the amount of money I have, please stop”

IceCreamSundaeCat · 23/10/2023 15:47

Just tell them that you have some happiness

Peverellshire · 23/10/2023 15:47

I know the ex wife in similar situation & there’s rather a different slant from her perspective. He was a much loved husband with great family who had an affair. Now he has a new priority & everyone was blindsided.

Do you see much of your children? Did the breakdown of the marriage come as a surprise? Are they in same country?

PinkRoses1245 · 23/10/2023 15:49

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 15:06

To be honest if I were a gold digger a man with 4 kids and the expenses that they incur wouldn’t be my ideal prey.

This! And I assume you are not even married and she would therefore be entitled to a share of assets. I'd honestly brush comments off, and have a strict discussion with your daughters about it.

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 16:02

In the case of your DDs, I assume they don't like her for some reason - do you know why? Is it justified or just the common fact that adult children don't like a new parent? Is your younger dd, who live with you, happy with the partner or is she telling her sisters that she doesn't like her? Because that might be impacting things and the "gold digger" comments are just a way to dismiss her.

Elsewhere - I think it's not surprising that a man with a much younger, very attractive partner, might get some cynical responses. Especially if she's the OW (is she?). But I do think that assuming this relationship is genuine, you should continue to knock it on the head and point out how successful she is or how happy she makes you.

ManateeFair · 23/10/2023 16:12

I find it really misogynistic that people assume 'gold-digger' just because an attractive woman has a wealthier partner - and 13 years really isn't a significant or unusual age gap when the younger partner is in their late 30s.

I can understand why your daughters might resent your partner if she was the catalyst for your marriage break-up, but not for any other reason.

Also, I suspect if your partner was looking for a sugar daddy, she would not have picked a man who has four kids (especially including full custody of a pre-teen child).

Panicking23 · 23/10/2023 16:14

My parents had the same age gap and didn't have two pennies to rub together but were one of the happiest couples I've ever known, people don't like to see others happy for some strange reason.

I'd nip it in the bud with your daughters though, it's rude to both of you and they sound a little over invested in your financials themselves.

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 16:51

Thank you all. This has been very helpful. As I mentioned previously, I don't feel able to discuss this 'in real life' - partly due to being a probably somewhat repressed middle-aged man and also because it's slightly embarrassing for me.

To answer a few points.
She is not the "OW" (I assume other woman?). Actually, my ex-wife had an affair, although I take shared responsibility for our marriage declining. My ex-wife and I get on pretty well, considering. Although she can be. a little difficult with my new partner. Understandably?

My DDs are very loyal to their mother and they have found our divorce hard, even though they are young adults, rather than children. It's likely I haven't spoken to them enough about all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 16:52

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 15:06

To be honest if I were a gold digger a man with 4 kids and the expenses that they incur wouldn’t be my ideal prey.

This made me laugh...

OP posts:
Ktime · 23/10/2023 16:54

Which city is this? I’d like to avoid visiting.

Tell these people they are being rude and sexist.

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 16:56

ManateeFair · 23/10/2023 16:12

I find it really misogynistic that people assume 'gold-digger' just because an attractive woman has a wealthier partner - and 13 years really isn't a significant or unusual age gap when the younger partner is in their late 30s.

I can understand why your daughters might resent your partner if she was the catalyst for your marriage break-up, but not for any other reason.

Also, I suspect if your partner was looking for a sugar daddy, she would not have picked a man who has four kids (especially including full custody of a pre-teen child).

Yes, this is something my partner has identified. Also, the country we live in can be slightly more old-fashioned, I've found, in its attitudes towards gender roles.
I come from a very 'traditional' family & it has taken me much of my adult life to shake off my own understanding of how men are supposed to act & behave.

OP posts:
saythatagaintome · 23/10/2023 16:57

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 15:06

To be honest if I were a gold digger a man with 4 kids and the expenses that they incur wouldn’t be my ideal prey.

💯 %!!!!!

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:00

Ktime · 23/10/2023 16:54

Which city is this? I’d like to avoid visiting.

Tell these people they are being rude and sexist.

We live in Paris.
However I've had these comments in London, rural France, on holiday in various places, travelling for work ... I suppose people see it as some kind of compliment to me (?). And to answer @WitcheryDivine's question: acquaintances, people we've met at social events, waiters, colleagues...!

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:02

Is new wife an artist, successful in a non money making way......

Perhaps the security you can provide is part of the attraction. In exchange the creativity she can provide is uplifting for you..... I m possibly projecting here.

I think you need to be blunt with people and respond with "don't be so rude and disrespectful to me or my wife, focus on your own relationship please".

Or "at least I have gold, AND a beautiful partner, understandably people are resentful, there is SO much to be jealous of"!!!

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:04

Peverellshire · 23/10/2023 15:47

I know the ex wife in similar situation & there’s rather a different slant from her perspective. He was a much loved husband with great family who had an affair. Now he has a new priority & everyone was blindsided.

Do you see much of your children? Did the breakdown of the marriage come as a surprise? Are they in same country?

@Peverellshire I did not have an affair, however my partner and I were friends while I was still married. The separation and divorce were not wholly unexpected - our eldest picked up on it before his sisters - but it was a shock, particularly to the girls. We do see each other a fair amount, but my (adult)daughters are not keen on visiting the apartment I share with my partner, or getting to know her particularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:08

CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:02

Is new wife an artist, successful in a non money making way......

Perhaps the security you can provide is part of the attraction. In exchange the creativity she can provide is uplifting for you..... I m possibly projecting here.

I think you need to be blunt with people and respond with "don't be so rude and disrespectful to me or my wife, focus on your own relationship please".

Or "at least I have gold, AND a beautiful partner, understandably people are resentful, there is SO much to be jealous of"!!!

Yes, an equivalent profession to an artist.

We have discussed this and personally I feel your point is true to our situation. Doesn't everyone look for some form of stability in a relationship? Perhaps I'm just very boring about this kind of thing.

OP posts:
AfterWeights · 23/10/2023 17:09

Im a woman of similar vintage to your wife, and can't fathom why a woman my age would want a partner in his 50s with 4 grown kids tbh. Even if you look like george clooney. So I'd probably assume that the financial security you offer played at least some part in her choice to be with you. Sorry but its true, i would! I would be looking ahead and not wanting to be late 50s with a husband over 70.

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:11

Panicking23 · 23/10/2023 16:14

My parents had the same age gap and didn't have two pennies to rub together but were one of the happiest couples I've ever known, people don't like to see others happy for some strange reason.

I'd nip it in the bud with your daughters though, it's rude to both of you and they sound a little over invested in your financials themselves.

@Panicking23 that's good to know, about your parents. I initially maintained I was too old for her for a while. And still feel some concern over this.
But it's not as if one can just choose someone who is the perfect age, exact equivalent in financial status, etc. I was much more 'matched' with my ex-wife which didn't guarantee us life-long marriage.

OP posts:
DaftQuestionForToday · 23/10/2023 17:11

@englishexpat

ahhh France, Paris even. I'm not sure how to say 'WTF did you expect!!!' without saying 'WTF did you expect'??

I'd expect it other places too, but absolutely in France.

Deal with your older daughters face to face & directly ask what their actual problem is & tell them you do not want to hear anymore off hand comments about it.

closd family & friend tell them you've had enough of the banter now & to pack it in!

cadual comments in bars & stuff just agree that she's after your gold (cock!!) & your mad over her youthful good looks! You don't need to educate all the ignorant twats. Or tell them to rack off!! Don't let insignificant people get under your skin!!