To resent 'golddigger' comments?

[englishexpat]

Although this may come across poorly, this is an issue I don't feel I can discuss with friends 'in real life'. I would be grateful for your advice. My sister-in-law suggested posting here anonymously.

I am a man in my early 50s, with 4 children {with my ex-DW}.
We divorced a few years ago, and I am fortunate to be in a relationship with my new partner.

I live with my partner and my youngest daughter, who is a pre-teen. Although the transition was challenging, I feel we are all fairly settled.

The issue is {and please don't take this as a joke} that my partner & I keep finding ourselves on the receiving end of 'banter' along the lines of her being a gold digger, and / or jokes with a sexist undertone implying I am just involved with her for her appearance.

For context, she is 13 years younger than me, (and my ex-wife), but also perhaps looks younger - people assume she is early rather than late 30s. She is beautiful, but this is obviously not the sole reason I am interested in her!

I earn a decent salary, nothing mad - but it is clear I am well-off because of my family background.

When these comments are made, I either try to diffuse with humour or, if it's really on the nose, to speak against it.

However I am well aware this kind of response may come across as even more heavy-handed.

It causes some tension in our relationship as well. My partner is successful in her career, but it is not a lucrative line of work. I want to look after and support her & am happy simply to share my good fortune. But she feels uncertain about this.

Two of my daughters have also implied my new partner is in it for the money, to put it bluntly.

Apologies for the long post. I am aware this may come across as ridiculous.

You have four kids? Tell her to tell the next orsini "there's no much gold left".
I read that the people who use the term gold digger are men with no gold. That made me laugh. I've no gold, no partner, but I'd be wary of lazy cock lodgers at this point in my life. So of a close friend told me to be careful, I'd listen.

Why are you opening a joint account if you’re feeling the relationship is imbalanced?

I don’t think the age gap is an issue. She’s attracted to you because you’re not mid-late 30yrs old. You sound like quite a package (sorry, I’m cackling as I type that 😂🤣😉🤣). If you need confirmation from her as to why is she into you, ask her.
don’t believe it’s because you ‘have money’.
Anyway, if you want to buy non cheap gifts or go to high end restaurants, travel with her then bloody do it. Do what makes you happy.

If you really want this relationship to move forward & can see a permanent long term future then you tell your elder children that they need to accept that you’re in a relationship with this woman and you’d be grateful if they could be happy for you because you are happy. Maybe it is because of inheritance concerns?

General people love to be rude and make inappropriate comments. Someone said you should joke, she’s with me for my gold cock lol brilliant 👌🏻 if it’s not a laugh it off moment then tell them , we would prefer you don’t make remarks about our relationship.

I live by this quote that I found:
“Other peoples opinions of me is not my business.” Yet here we are lol but you asked.
You get one life. Enjoy yourself and your lovely woman who makes you feel good.

My ex BF earned more than me.
We spent our own money. If we went out for dinner, he mostly paid but I did also pay for things that he would share or benefit from. Occasionally he’d buy me a gift.
He paid for us to go away, I had my own holiday spends from my earnings. Again if he wanted to pay for things then he would.

We were quite young and joint accounts weren’t things we thought about then

Maybe start referring to her as the Pyrite Digger in front of the rude people? 😂🤦‍♀️

Make jokes that if she is, she'll be disappointed whilst hugging her tightly. Present a united front and always support her. Make it clear to your children that such remarks are unacceptable and you expect them to be civil.

People can think what they want to think but they have no right to make rude and intrusive comments. Please take no notice. They are probably jealous!

OP, unfortunately the the whole world is cruel and cynical, not only Paris. My husband is 13 years older, I met him when I was in my late thirties. I also look younger than my age. I live in England, I am not English, my husband is. I speak English fluently, I love reading hence my vocabulary is huge but I speak with an accent. Sceptical glances and veiled questions (in England nobody is direct 🙂) were there from the beginning. When we bought property together (we weren’t married then) everyone assumed he did and we had to correct people. I am actually quite successful in my career and earn as much as my husband does but still found it insulting that I needed to explain myself to people. There was also insinuation in the beginning that I am dating him for British passport - I obviously didn’t as I already had permanent residence and qualified for British passport - it just takes 6-8 months from application date to get it and we weren’t planning to marry in the first year of dating anyway.
At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what people think - you and your partner know the truth. The only advice I can give to you is talk to your daughters and explain to them again and again - they will understand when they are older.

13 years isn't "much older". On the grand scheme of things it's nothing. I've had a partner 18 years older than me and a partner 13 years younger than me! It's just a number and in this case the lady in question is in her late 30s so it's even less of an issue.

He seems to be coming up smelling of roses. However, to cause his wife to cheat maybe he treated her without respect, gaslighting, criticizing her actions, not helping with their children. Some Parisian men treat their wives as objects it comes up in divorces that, they didn’t dress correctly, didn’t cook dinner parties, didn’t do this and that….

Red flags to me are the helpless vibe I'm getting.... So she's too ditzy to do the paperwork for your bank account? How is that, shes a late 30s woman? She doesn't have any friends who aren't your friends? Why, she lives in Paris where the Anglo expat community is massive. You talk about an imbalance, what is that?
I don't know. Something about this feels off

Well if I was a DD I'd be very concerned that my well off parents are not going to be channelling any money my way in the future due to others in their lives. Expecting me to be happy about that when I am only in my ?20s and had assumed assistance with housing etc would piss me off.

I would like to see you have an honest discussion with DCs and assure them, by writing your will in their favour, and remind them that DP has finances for herself, that the DCs futures are financially secure until X date (whatever is reasonable, marriage, when they're30/35).

There will be lots of posters boohooing that once an adult they should be able to fund themselves but I am a now older wealthy parent and all DCs have had fair shares to help with uni, housing. Life is hard and demanding and they still work hard to keep afloat.

If you marry DP she will inherit everything. Everyone knows that. But have you discussed this with DCs. Also as she is still in her 30s she is likely to want babies. That often makes the first DCs feel displaced from you. I think concentrating on her being younger and good looking is possibly not what is relevant to them.

You're just a big cliche IMO - well off 50 year old man gets younger, attractive, foreign wife. Why is it 50 year old men never go for women 10+ years older than they are?
If I was your daughter I'd not be impressed either. If everyone else is seeing and telling you something though, then perhaps it's just convenient for you not to see it. Major power imbalance here at the very least.

@StarTrek6
They already discussed babies he mentions this in an earlier post and said it caused issues at the beginning but it isn't clear how

She was still thinking about having her own children when we first met.
Thinking rather than planning - she 's already been through quite a lot in this area.
She had mainly decided against doing so -and it was unlikely for medical reasons. We discussed openly from early days onwards & I had made it clear I would not be able to support more children - I need to look after my existing 4 & I feel too old in any case.
She felt mixed; she did not feel 'desperate' in her own words, but it naturally it is going to come up.
I think it's a valid question, and one people have asked in real life.

Well - she's very independent, has lived & worked all over the world, has lots of friends all over, has a freelance career. She's wonderful! But moving to a new non-anglophone country, and dealing with losses & difficulties, is quite hard.
My ex-wife led on managing our finances etc. for quite some time while my French was improving - otherwise I'd be on the receiving end of very patronising Parisian bureaucrats who, quite fairly, weren't very keen on dealing with me while I struggled to remember the exact phrases for APR and the equivalent of an ISA. I'm just trying to help.
She does have friends here; but several have moved on for work reasons.

We have similar situations OP.

My DH is 17 years older than me. His ex-w was abusive and her affair initiated their divorce. Im not saying this as the scathing new wife, but the woman is a total nutjob.

We knew each other for two years vaguely at work (not working together, but in the same industry parallel to each other) and have now been together for 10 years, married for 7. One dc together, his dc live with us full time and have no contact with their mum. We get no child support or financial anything from her, and we split everything 50/50 for all the kids, house etc.

We earn proportionally similar NOW (not at the start admittedly, and I do 3 days a week through choice, if I were full time we'd be level pegging) although he has pretty much reached his earning capacity and I clearly have further I can go in my career, which he is supportive of, if I choose to.

We're currently all on a holiday that I've paid for. However, regardless of all of this, I still get gold digger comments 😂 I'm a shit gold digger if that's the case.

Bugger all you can do realistically, you know your situation, and if you can laugh about it together, that's what's important. Im sure people look at us and wonder/assume, but frankly, we're happy, the kids are happy, and we're all/both financially secure either together or apart, so who gives a fart what people say or think?

Bureacracy in France is next level. If one of you is established, experienced and fluent it of course makes sense for that person to deal with the paperwork where possible. Also, many people not working in corporate set ups with established social networks do not find it easy to make friends in Paris, which is the reason why I specifically asked the OP if his partner had friends of her own.

OP, when your SIL suggested you post here, what was the hope/expectation ?

@englishexpat I think you are getting a lot of unfair flak here, with some of the other posters basically accusing you having a ditzy and helpless trophy wife because she is younger, and also of depriving your children of their inheritance which they seem, in some posters‘ view, entitled to expect from you.

I do not think that is fair at all. While we have a certain level of responsibility to our children if we bring them into the world, we do not owe it to them to remain alone and unhappy in order to leave them more money when we die. If a marriage ends, then each partner is also entitled to seek to get their own needs met in a new relationship, and provided they have been and continue to be fair to their children, they are not required to sacrifice their own happiness in order preserve all of their money for their kids. A stubborn rejection by an adult child of their parent‘s new partner because they want a larger inheritance for themselves would constitute money-grabbing greed on the part of the children, at least in my view. Of course that is not the only possible reason for rejection, but as children grow older their "right" to have their own needs absolutely prioritised over their parents‘ needs does diminish.

While some age gap relationships do include a power imbalance and exploitation of the younger person by the older one, that does not mean that all or even most are like that. Sometimes it is actually the younger one exploiting the older one. Meanwhile, some age gap relationships can be very healthy and work well for both individuals, if they are well matched in terms of values and emotional and other needs, and if they each have a willingness and desire to actively give due care and attention to meet one another‘s needs, because they love each other.

I do not know you, but everything you write about your partner suggests that the "well matched" description characterises you. I hope that is indeed true for the both of you, and I wish you best of luck in making this relationship work whilst also maintaining and improving good relationships with your children.

I would be telling the people making those comments how rude they are!
tell them that to suggest that you only like her for her looks is insulting to her and for them to suggest she only likes you for your money is insulting to you (like that’s the only way you could attract a beautiful woman!…. If they try to laugh it off with ‘oh we are only joking’…. I’d just tell them that it’s not funny and is actually offensive… point out they’re literally saying that one or the other is too good for the other so their must be an anterior motive… it’s nots kind and must get boring to hear …
I’d even tell your daughters this and ask them how they’d feel if a really good looking bloke went for them and you said ‘he must be after your inheritance!’ (Basically suggesting the guy is too good looking for them… or they’re not good enough for him… it’s horrible!

Jealousy!! You and her both sound wonderful, good for you x

Just ignore the comments and be happy with your partner!
You sound lovely. Just stick together and live happily ever after!

When she is 62 and you are 75, no one will accuse her of being a golddigger.

you missed out the big one…they didn’t remain young.

Perhaps they’re fed up of you constantly humble bragging about having a beautiful young wife.

Well - she's very independent
The imbalance shines through in your turn of phrase. This is something you would say about someone in their late teens/early 20s. You're using it to describe a middle aged woman? I mean yes, I would hope she would be very independent aged 38 or whatever? 😅

FGS stop trying to pick holes. It's clear what was being said in response to a specific post.

Agree. Your daughters need to pipe down as well and let you live your life since they've decided to stand by their cheating mother.