To resent 'golddigger' comments?

[englishexpat]

Although this may come across poorly, this is an issue I don't feel I can discuss with friends 'in real life'. I would be grateful for your advice. My sister-in-law suggested posting here anonymously.

I am a man in my early 50s, with 4 children {with my ex-DW}.
We divorced a few years ago, and I am fortunate to be in a relationship with my new partner.

I live with my partner and my youngest daughter, who is a pre-teen. Although the transition was challenging, I feel we are all fairly settled.

The issue is {and please don't take this as a joke} that my partner & I keep finding ourselves on the receiving end of 'banter' along the lines of her being a gold digger, and / or jokes with a sexist undertone implying I am just involved with her for her appearance.

For context, she is 13 years younger than me, (and my ex-wife), but also perhaps looks younger - people assume she is early rather than late 30s. She is beautiful, but this is obviously not the sole reason I am interested in her!

I earn a decent salary, nothing mad - but it is clear I am well-off because of my family background.

When these comments are made, I either try to diffuse with humour or, if it's really on the nose, to speak against it.

However I am well aware this kind of response may come across as even more heavy-handed.

It causes some tension in our relationship as well. My partner is successful in her career, but it is not a lucrative line of work. I want to look after and support her & am happy simply to share my good fortune. But she feels uncertain about this.

Two of my daughters have also implied my new partner is in it for the money, to put it bluntly.

Apologies for the long post. I am aware this may come across as ridiculous.

You be said her nationality isn't French- whilst I'm not agreeing, depending on her nationality, there is a judgment with certain nationality and older men, as to why they would. Those kind of comments aren't unusual, because often there is a transactional nature to certain relationships between younger European women from some areas. Really you juts have to rise above it, and know that's not the case for you.

OP, perhaps some of the reason why this bothers you both is because - on some level - you worry if it is true.

I'm similar age to your partner and my DH is 14 years older. We've been together for 10+ years. To begin with we earned the same, him on a low wage. Then I very quickly out-earned him. Now I'm on a 6 figure salary earning 4x what he does. He has 2 children from a prior relationship, I'm childfree.

None of our real friends have ever made gold-digger comments, because they know he is piss poor. But acquaintances and some people on holiday make odd mentions along the lines of "I'm a lucky lady and he's treating me". Then I pull out the card to pay and get met with shocked faces or comments of "lady boss".

So the gold-digger comments really don't bother us. If anything, I think DP feels somewhat embarrassed to be in an average job.

In sum: is it a concern because you're worried it rings true? Or might have an element of truth to it?

Also, it's very possible she just loves you for who you are and she wouldn't care if you're poor. In other words, don't let internal worries/doubts take over.

How many of these people commenting are financially supporting their own wives? It's normally that way round. You just have more money than most. Their "gold digger" might be a similar age to them.

That being said, there are gold diggers out there. Just decide what you want, who you think she is and whether it matters. Lots of men out there, with plenty of money, enjoying "spoiling" a younger woman and reaping whatever "benefits" they imagine they are getting.

Weirdly, we never met while I was dating his son. I knew both of them from a local activity and I always got on fine with his dad. He's 8 years older than me but initially actually said to his son "well done" for dating me because he had me in a very different age bracket!

Once he realised the facts, he was unhappy. I think as soon as he heard that age number, he went into "OMG she must be a cougar pervert".

Ironically, in our last conversation, when he said it was a shame and that his son had been so happy with me, I said very bluntly "has it ever occurred to you that I'm potentially the target here - he could have been after my money". He was quite shocked.

Because I had a nervous breakdown earlier this summer, he even said to me "are you sure your decision to break it off has come from the right place?"

Bloody muppet. Anyway, his mother is well pleased that I ended it. Edit - his mum is at least 14 years older than his dad....

Sorry to ramble. I really would ignore everyone. I don't know anyone who would get worked up about a 13 year age gap. it's nothing. And it's nobody's business. Relationships are private.

I think you need to admit that there's an element of being true.

Would she honestly have wanted you if you were poor and financially unstable?

Would you have wanted her if she was ugly or old?

You both have characteristics which make you attractive to one another, of which money and youth/beauty will be factors.

She does - admittedly, not very many people who aren't connected to me in some way - she would like to develop her network socially . Often the people she knows have been on short-term contracts in 'visiting' positions with institutions. Otherwise, she has a lot of friends all over.

But these comments can be applied to any relationship.

unless you are the same age, earning the same money and considered to be the same level of attractiveness.

meanwhile, back in the real world....

Quite a few people have asked if there is an 'element of truth'. She does have the option to go and date a wealthy man her age; I think the fact she hasn't relentlessly pursued this indicates she isn't exactly doing this as a get rich quick scheme! We both wanted some stability and love. As most people do.

I doubt it's that black and white and OP had his eyes on this woman before all that...

I can see this has been phrased delicately but I'm deeply curious to hear the blunt version!

I was one of these people. I guess my comment was more about you worrying it is true- I.e., thoughts in your own head, your own insecurities- rather than it being true per se.

In other words, the comments bother you and you "resent" them because you have your own internal worries and insecurities around this aspect of your relationship (this is regardless of whether these worries are based in fact).

I use to be with an athlete. I met him on Instagram but when I saw him I was instantly attracted to him and we bonded straight away. I was in lust with him, he offered to buy me all sorts but I wasn't interested I just wanted him.
He was the same age as me though.

Point is some women can look past the money and most women who have looks don't need to be with a low earner and struggling, that's just life.

When I saw him in person I mean

@WitcheryDivine I think firstly you need to ask yourself whether there's even the smallest grain of truth in this. If you were broke and in the same line or work as your partner, do believe in your inmost heart that she would have gone for you?

I always think this is such a ridiculous comment. If the man wasn't rich and successful and was a (insert lowly poor paying job)....or if the woman wasn't stunning as was Waynetta Slob.....

Well they wouldn't be with them because they would be a completely different person. If my dh wasn't who he is I wouldn't have fallen for him. No. He is successful, ambitious, intelligent, highly educated and also kind, resilient, loving.....I love him for all his attributes. If he was a completely different human being that was not ambitious or intelligent or successful I probably wouldn't have fancied him anymore than if he was mean or lacking perseverance.

I'm not sure. Lots of good looking women go out with men who don't have much money and/or aren't good looking.

You may not have fancied your DH if he was poorer/less successful/didn't look as good, but someone else would have.

I think it's interesting to look at patterns: So, what is a woman's (or man's) history of long term serious partners? Does he only get into serious relationships with beautiful young women who have significantly less income and wealth than him? (In OP's case, it doesn't sound like this is him judging by how he described his ex-wife). Does she only get into relationships with wealthy, successful men who can pay for her to maintain her lifestyle/career? With OP's new partner, we don't know.

These patterns can give us an indication of someone's character, for example, is the man a "modelizer" or "cradle-snatcher", is the woman a "golddigger".

My ex-wife and I get on pretty well, considering. Although she can be. a little difficult with my new partner. Understandably?

So cringey. Really hope you can speak more genuinely in real life

I think a lot of this very much depends how you define 'golddigger' - someone who is actually perpetually after cash and presents and homes etc whilst usually not contributing much themselves fits the mould for me- but someone who just gets together with an older more secure man for the general lifestyle and contributes what they can but clearly has a lot of love and affection for the man-I wouldn't- otherwise to be honest mumsnet is full of gold diggers.

I married a man 20 yrs my senior. His first wife had an affair with a younger man at work. (Not such a big age difference, though.)

I definitely didn't want to marry an older man - I knew what problems there were likely to be and I was right. But I loved him with all my heart. We had 27 yrs of married life. I only wish I'd married him sooner instead of initially having cold feet.

I had problems because people assumed that I'd broken up the marriage - this was a narrative that his ex pushed. She's currently with her 4th partner (if you include my husband). I don't know where she gets the energy!

DH was always very private about what had happened with the marriage and their mutual friends were (understandably) quite cold towards me.

One night, I was at a function with my husband. I'd had a few glasses of wine. One of the wives made a dig...and I told them what had actually happened.

I don't regret it.

People can be horribly rude and judgmental. This isn’t banter, it’s a snide accusation and it isn’t funny. If you laugh it off they’re likely to think it’s an acceptable joke. I’d say something like “that’s enough, you’re being very rude about my wife, it’s untrue and it’s hurtful, so please stop it now”.

With the daughters you’ll probably have to work on the new family dynamic more gently over a period of time. But they still don’t have the right to accuse your wife of being after your money, and you should shut that down.

I think you should remember that comparison is the thief of joy and these rude fuckers are very obviously jealous. Might be worth mentioning this to them.

I would marry her and never laugh at gold digger jokes. i would stand up for her and our relationship properly and not care if the jokers are shocked. You're puttng their feelings over the mother of your child. If I were her I'd be pissed off.

BTW, gold diggers bible says to avoid rich guys with 3+ kids because there is just too much competition for resources. A gold digger would choose a different target, you've 4 kids and ex ....... not as much of a catch tbh.

I think it's worth (gently) challenging their internalised sexism.
They're obviously feeling threatened that she will take their dad's attention so you need to reassure them and make big efforts to spend quality time with them.

No, she doesn't have a 'history' of this type of thing. If anything, she's gone out with good-looking artsy types her own age, who have been fairly commitment phobic and unsettled...

She's English

Why can't she go through the process of setting up your joint bank account? You say because you're more used to the bureaucracy in France but this woman is late 30s not some sparkly eyed 19 year old? It's a bit infantilising really and doesn't help with a sense of equality in your relationship

To answer this - which a few people mentioned - yes it was very often assumed I'd had an affair, because of the older man / younger woman cliché.

We told our DC later to set the record straight.