To resent 'golddigger' comments?

[englishexpat]

Although this may come across poorly, this is an issue I don't feel I can discuss with friends 'in real life'. I would be grateful for your advice. My sister-in-law suggested posting here anonymously.

I am a man in my early 50s, with 4 children {with my ex-DW}.
We divorced a few years ago, and I am fortunate to be in a relationship with my new partner.

I live with my partner and my youngest daughter, who is a pre-teen. Although the transition was challenging, I feel we are all fairly settled.

The issue is {and please don't take this as a joke} that my partner & I keep finding ourselves on the receiving end of 'banter' along the lines of her being a gold digger, and / or jokes with a sexist undertone implying I am just involved with her for her appearance.

For context, she is 13 years younger than me, (and my ex-wife), but also perhaps looks younger - people assume she is early rather than late 30s. She is beautiful, but this is obviously not the sole reason I am interested in her!

I earn a decent salary, nothing mad - but it is clear I am well-off because of my family background.

When these comments are made, I either try to diffuse with humour or, if it's really on the nose, to speak against it.

However I am well aware this kind of response may come across as even more heavy-handed.

It causes some tension in our relationship as well. My partner is successful in her career, but it is not a lucrative line of work. I want to look after and support her & am happy simply to share my good fortune. But she feels uncertain about this.

Two of my daughters have also implied my new partner is in it for the money, to put it bluntly.

Apologies for the long post. I am aware this may come across as ridiculous.

You have my sympathies
I spent the summer dating a man half my age - after years of happy singledom. I was astonished to meet anyone I wanted to date.

I broke it off because the boyfriend thing isn't for me, but we are still friends and it was a lovely experience (albeit a tough one due to my personal circumstances).

I took less flack than he did, but ironically, while his family were pissed off, his dad has since said to me "I know I wasn't supportive at the start but I started to see he's never been happier than when he was with you".

I think if it had carried on, we'd have just told people to fuck off with their judgements.

13 years is nothing, btw. Mum's got two couple friends with a 20+ or near 30 year gap.

I am 13 years younger than my bf and get these comments from people which really annoy me but I’m learning to accept that as long as we know the truth, it doesn’t matter what others think x

So you are 51/52 ? Hardly aged ! I would reply that it is really insulting and unkind towards you, to assume that a woman is only with you because you are comfortable financially. You sound kind and thoughtful for instance, it doesn’t sound as though cold hard cash is your only attribute !
So ignore the fact that it is also an offensive thing to say to your partner, leave her out of it, and address the fact that it is a pretty offensive thing to say to you !
13 years isn’t a huge gap at all.

Unfortunately there are a lot of mean spirited people who are unhappy or discontent in their own lives, so they take that out on people who they perceive are happy. Ignore them, they really aren't worth a second of your thoughts.

I would be having a word with your daughters however - I rather think that they might be considering your relationship in terms of their own potential financial gains.

I have had it from both directions.
I have had friends of my partner say to him you need to be careful she is alot younger than you......
We also had someone say to him you'll be well in with her she's pocketed since her husband died.......
These are just some examples - I just smile now, as in reality they have no idea & it is none of their business. As long as you & your partner are happy with the arrangements that is all that matters.
I would just make sure you both have wills, know each others wishes & talk things through regularly to iron out any niggles.

I would reply that it is insulting and unkind and let people know how you feel

If I were you and I wanted to soothe my daughters’ probably justified perception, I would go out of my way to ensure they and my partner knew that their inheritance was secured. Perhaps by setting up a trust with a solid amount of my assets and the children as my beneficiaries. You say you earn a “good salary” but reference family money as well. Let’s all be practical and admit that most mid 30 year old women only date 50 year old men if they are wealthy. By being up front that you’re protecting your children’s inheritance you’ll soothe their fears and you can all move forward as a family. Letting it be a question mark whether you might leave everything including any inheritance from your own parents to this new partner who will be more likely to outlive you, is probably causing a lot of stress with your children and a sense that you’ve abandoned them. Your partner being cool with a fair split (eg she gets the same portion as each child, 1/5) will also probably go a long way to making them less likely to see her as a gold digger.

And I say this as someone who was 13 years the junior of my incredibly rich ex husband - so I’m not judging the set up at all and frankly see “youth” as just as valuable as monetary wealth and can definitely see lots of positives to seeking stability and experience as long as there are no underlying issues with power imbalance and everyone is emotionally mature.

Tell them to keep their mouths shut or elle va te frapper avec sa pell!!

I hope that means what I think it means 🤣

So you daughters this she's a gold digger, why would they even care if she was after your money unless they think they deserve it more?!

Maybe it’ s also a dealing with french attitudes thing. I had french grandparents and like many teenagers stopped wanting to hang out with them and going over there every year. I started again in my late 20s after my mum sadly died very suddenly, in the intervening years I had lost confidence in my french and in managing situations culturally and felt very under scrutiny. It only stopped after an expat told me to stop caring ( yes it was that simple). I go there several times a year now and rarely second guess myself or feel self conscious . Maybe deciding to be thick skinned and not care might help? I realise it sounds simplistic but hope it helps!

Gosh, thanks so much for your very thoughtful replies. I did not expect to receive so much support.

A few things: Although we are divorced, and I wouldn't want to be married again, I don't particularly blame my ex-wife: we were happy for many years, and do still see each other & are friendly and civil. (mostly).

I don't feel that my daughters are being 'grabby' excessively - my money is their money - it's money I've inherited from my parents and have set up a trust etc. to facilitate this; but I should clarify this.

@Baconisdelicious I agree- I think it would be devastating to be left out of a will.

@HamBone : 'You may have to accept that being civil to each other is as far as it’ll ever go.'. Possibly - 2 out of my 4 get on very well with her, and the girlfriend of our eldest, and that's pretty good overall.

People can be extremely rude!

Thank you. It's useful to hear about your experience. It is odd meeting your partner's parents when they're not even hugely older than you.

Of the five couples I've known who have had the same age difference (and I've known them for over 20 years, so, man is now in his 80s, woman partner in her 60s), it had not ever, ever ended well.

It seems like a "gold digger" cliche....but it's a cliche for a reason.

Thank you, this is really helpful. My other principal concern is this: speaking to my daughters.
I agree she appears more 'like them'. She is not an adult authority figure. I think it is a big change for them. And harder perhaps than for my son, who is a different gender (obviously) to her, or my youngest, who sees her as another caring parental figure.
And yes, I would probably feel instinctively odd about my parent dating, if I were in their position.
I think my ex-wife has found the divorce harder than I have, in some ways, which I would never have expected.
There is no chance of children - we've talked about this. It was an issue in the beginning.

Yes. My partner is confident & successful generally, but she I can see her wilt in the face of Parisian directness, impatience, etc. Which is something my ex-wife and daughters have in abundance!

13 years younger is really not "much younger". If OP is say 52, his partner is 39.

13 years younger is really not "much younger". If OP is say 52, his partner is 39.

As someone in my mid/late 30's, I do see it as much older. My colleagues are almost exclusively men in their 50s, we're not peers and have next to nothing in common and very different lifestyles despite us all being lecturers with a shared passion for our subject. I couldn't bear the thought of sleeping with any of them as I don't generally find men over a decade older physically appealing and would expect, if I did engage in a relationship with one of them, to be accused of trying to sleep my way up the career ladder.

I'd also consider a 39 year old of either sex much older than a 26 year old...don't think that's a controversial statement. Both adults, sure, but not peers.

I think that's what the daughters are uncomfortable about, especially if as OP suggests, she resembles a 30 year old. They see her as more of a peer and find it awkward to know their Dad is in a relationship with her.

I'm surprised by the gold digger comments, 13 years isn't huge and she has a career, you are the one with the baggage. It sounds quite well matched. YANBU to find this upsetting, it's as much an insult to you are your GF, implying the only way someone could find you attractive is for money. You need to make it known you are not OK with these comments, what people think or say behind your back is up to them. Good luck OP.

'd also consider a 39 year old of either sex much older than a 26 year old...don't think that's a controversial statement. Both adults, sure, but not peers.

I agree with that but there is likely to be a much bigger disparity if life stage/experience between 26/39 than between 39/52

I agree with that but there is likely to be a much bigger disparity if life stage/experience between 26/39 than between 39/52

My life stage and experience is very different to my 50 + colleagues...

They mainly have adult children at university or older whilst most of my peers are still in the primary school or
even baby stage. We have far less disposable income and are working to cover childcare costs as opposed to saving every extra penny into pensions and planning ahead for retirement. They're in the most senior of positions professionally whilst many of us are in the early stages of or working towards middle management. As Millenials we've had vastly different experiences of adult life, with getting on the property ladder, affording to have children etc all being later and more difficult than their generation. So respectfully I disagree. The disparity is still pretty big and fairly similar.

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I am 17 years younger

Are your kids aware that their mum had an affair and initiated the divorce or have you allowed preconceptions of you doing wrong to go unchallenged?

Was any of this necessary?

Sorry no great advice but you sound very nice, good luck in your relationship