To resent 'golddigger' comments?

[englishexpat]

Although this may come across poorly, this is an issue I don't feel I can discuss with friends 'in real life'. I would be grateful for your advice. My sister-in-law suggested posting here anonymously.

I am a man in my early 50s, with 4 children {with my ex-DW}.
We divorced a few years ago, and I am fortunate to be in a relationship with my new partner.

I live with my partner and my youngest daughter, who is a pre-teen. Although the transition was challenging, I feel we are all fairly settled.

The issue is {and please don't take this as a joke} that my partner & I keep finding ourselves on the receiving end of 'banter' along the lines of her being a gold digger, and / or jokes with a sexist undertone implying I am just involved with her for her appearance.

For context, she is 13 years younger than me, (and my ex-wife), but also perhaps looks younger - people assume she is early rather than late 30s. She is beautiful, but this is obviously not the sole reason I am interested in her!

I earn a decent salary, nothing mad - but it is clear I am well-off because of my family background.

When these comments are made, I either try to diffuse with humour or, if it's really on the nose, to speak against it.

However I am well aware this kind of response may come across as even more heavy-handed.

It causes some tension in our relationship as well. My partner is successful in her career, but it is not a lucrative line of work. I want to look after and support her & am happy simply to share my good fortune. But she feels uncertain about this.

Two of my daughters have also implied my new partner is in it for the money, to put it bluntly.

Apologies for the long post. I am aware this may come across as ridiculous.

A stubborn rejection by an adult child of their parent‘s new partner because they want a larger inheritance for themselves would constitute money-grabbing greed on the part of the children, at least in my view.

I don't think that would happen but I would guess that the majority of parents with a new partner do not discuss future finances with their DC - leaving the DC feeling put out (unless they too have found a wealthy partner !!!) or don't want and/or didn't expect any help from DPs.

What happens is the parent who could solve this dilemma by being honest about what the future could hold : that the DCs must not expect any money OR that of course they will still get all they expected regardless -avoids the discussion as it is too awkward/embarrassing for the parent and difficult for them to approach with the new partner - so the DCs are left not knowing and possibly disappointed that they won't get any future money from their DF and that his attention will be on a new child rather than their DGCs or them.

This no doubt makes the relationship with the DF and new partner awkward. And the DC gets the blame not the Df who could be attempting to be honest and appease their fears.

I'm surprised people are so glib about the feelings of the DCs. They are DCs for life like it or not.

Hmmn, think these type of comments say more about the people who make them! Probably jealous!

I'm responding to the idea that the daughters might understand when they are older.

They might. I hope so.

My experience was that my husband's kids were already adults who had left the nest when he quit the marital home because of his wife's infidelity.

They were separated for two years when she wanted him back. He refused. They had a no-fault divorce. (All this time she was still seeing her Affair Partner.)

About 5 years later, we got married. All this time, the ex pushed the narrative that she'd been deserted.

The kids warmed to me a bit, but they always placed their mother above their father. She lived in the marital home for some years, so they always went there to stay.

I had a rambling explanation of my story here, but I've deleted. Suffice to say that relations apparently improved, but I was always an outlier.

DH eventually tried to explain to the kids what had actually happened, but got the response "I don't want to know that."

In my experience, families figuring out how to handle 'unusual' relationships in their midst almost always take their lead from the couple in question. It can be difficult for the couple, with a shorter or longer period of time for them where they may feel alone and as though everyone is against them. But, ultimately, if you block out the noise, give people time to absorb and comprehend and make mistakes, and stand firm in your commitment to each other and to them - well, there's nothing anyone can argue with.

The problem is other people's, not yours. It's understandable, to a degree. Just try not to take it personally, if you can.

Agreed. Things eventually worked out for me and DH, so far as friends were concerned. Unfortunately, never fully worked out with his adult children.

Having been in the receiving end of that sort of comments from my exH husband’s family, I can totally empathise with your partner. It’s a horrible slur especially as she works and contributes. My take was always ‘if you can spot it, you’ve got it’. Their fiscal motivations and greed was what drove the mindset, not mine. It was also insulting to my exH that the only attractive aspect to him was his bank balance…

Tell your daughters to stay in a child's place and out of your relationship. The issue is not whether or not she's in it for the money (to be fair there seems to be a fair trade off between the two of you) but you have no healthy boundaries with your daughters as they believe they have a say in their parents relationship.

YANBU to be hurt by this, but you can't control what other people think. Let them.

We're all with people for different reasons.

Would she still be with you if you were poor? Would you be with her if she was ugly?

(It's fine if the answer are yes or no - up to you who you like).

There are several older men I know whom do it for me .. there are few men my age I am sexually attracted to. I earn my own money so I don't need a man for that.

In my opinion... The kind of behaviour people are displaying is probably down to jealousy of one kind or another. Let them be jealous. You do not need to explain anything to people who think that way.

People who matter and genuinely care about you will just be glad you are happy and won't be looking to spoil that.

Inheritance isn't a right imo and you shouldn't have to even mention who will get what in your will or the gold digger medal should be given to those people who need that kind of reassurance.

bunnymad01. In France and if you are French your children cannot be disinherited. It can be done but you cannot give your money away unless the receiver pays a huge tax percentage.
However, it also plays the other way, children are liable to pay a calculated percentage of their wage for their parents retirement/care home if the parent does not have enough money.
Of course there are exceptions but that is the general rule.

Interesting, Reigateforever.

In Scotland, you cannot fully disinherit children - they are entitled to one third of your moveable estate, divided amongst them. However, they have no obligation to help you.

I am still unsure from your posts, whether there is any truth in the comments from your daughters. For example, you acknowledge that you come from an affluent background and are happy to share your good fortune. You also say that you want to ‘look after’ your partner and that she has a successful career, but it isn’t lucrative. Do your daughters have a point? Are they trying to protect their father from being used?

Either way, it’s not ok to pass unkind comments in front of your partner and you reacting to it with humour, dismisses the inappropriate nature of it. Encourage your daughters to have a discreet, honest and open discussion with you about why they say these things. What are they worried about and why? Encourage them to handle situations with more level headed maturity and tact.

Your youngest is only a child of 13, so for her maybe there is another host of issues. For example, is there an element of possessiveness or ‘my daddy’, type of stuff. Is she worried that you’ll have more children as your partner is young, thus displacing her? Maybe she needs more reassurance?

no, I don’t think it’s ok for your ex wife to be awkward around your partner, because it was she who had the affair. If she had been cheated upon, if your partner was the OW, that’s a whole different thing, but you say clearly that this is not the case. I can’t see how she has any foundation to stand on, there. In fact, she should be setting your daughters an example, by behaving with mature and inclusive behaviour.

Hello - just popping back on here to say thank you for all your very useful comments. I've spoken with my daughters, and they shared some of their feelings with me about feeling sad over the divorce. I had tried to speak to them before about this, but this seemed to be a better moment. They've said (without me asking them to do this) that they will be more friendly towards my new partner, which is a relief - and so far their relationship has been better.
Thank you.

Thanks for the nice update OP. Speaking personally I really appreciate when an update happens and I wish you all the very best.

@englishexpat thanks for the update and I am glad you have seen this improvement!

This is great progress.
I’m glad the right time came for the discussion with your children and their attitudes have changed. Enjoy each day as it comes and live life. You only get one.
Be happy 🙏🏻✌🏻