To resent 'golddigger' comments?

[englishexpat]

Although this may come across poorly, this is an issue I don't feel I can discuss with friends 'in real life'. I would be grateful for your advice. My sister-in-law suggested posting here anonymously.

I am a man in my early 50s, with 4 children {with my ex-DW}.
We divorced a few years ago, and I am fortunate to be in a relationship with my new partner.

I live with my partner and my youngest daughter, who is a pre-teen. Although the transition was challenging, I feel we are all fairly settled.

The issue is {and please don't take this as a joke} that my partner & I keep finding ourselves on the receiving end of 'banter' along the lines of her being a gold digger, and / or jokes with a sexist undertone implying I am just involved with her for her appearance.

For context, she is 13 years younger than me, (and my ex-wife), but also perhaps looks younger - people assume she is early rather than late 30s. She is beautiful, but this is obviously not the sole reason I am interested in her!

I earn a decent salary, nothing mad - but it is clear I am well-off because of my family background.

When these comments are made, I either try to diffuse with humour or, if it's really on the nose, to speak against it.

However I am well aware this kind of response may come across as even more heavy-handed.

It causes some tension in our relationship as well. My partner is successful in her career, but it is not a lucrative line of work. I want to look after and support her & am happy simply to share my good fortune. But she feels uncertain about this.

Two of my daughters have also implied my new partner is in it for the money, to put it bluntly.

Apologies for the long post. I am aware this may come across as ridiculous.

Have only read half the thread.

I'm that woman. Though DP and I are the same age.

When I met him I was a single parent to 3 DC, living in a rented property, working full time.

whereas my DP was living mortgage free in his own house. He has no DC.
We live in a small village and recently moved into the house he inherited from his parents sadly passing away.

As soon as it became public we were together people made comments about him being the richest man in the village... how I was only after him for his money etc. it used to bother me if I'm honest.

I've retained my independence, in fact at the time we were both earning the same salary yearly, he works at sea for most of the year so doesn't pay as much tax or NI, nor pays into a pension like I do in my nhs job, when people made comments about it I often said "we actually earn the same!"

Moving in together has allowed me to reduce my hours to 30 a week, he pays the majority of the bills. I have been fairly stubborn on this front though and do pay some. And I have my own bills, such as car, phone, etc. I organised all the bill paying however as he's often out of the country, and now earns double what I do,

What matters to me though is DP doesn't think the same way half the village does. And I don't really care what others think. I know why I love him. I know he loves me. And next year we are getting married. But I still hold onto my independence because I was single for 9'years before I met him and I will never put myself in a position to lose everything again like I did with my ex.

The PP was clearly talking about Eastern European women.

What do you mean, cringey? Your comment doesn't really make sense. Did you quote the wrong thing?

Jane oh, right, I have no clue about this stuff. Thanks.

I hate the phrase “gold digger”. It implies a good looking woman who is with a man for his money - but I am yet to meet a woman like this. I have met quite a few men who have magically ended up with a successful woman with her own place - yet they don’t get the “gold digger” comments.

My 2 pence just to make you chuckle. I am lucky enough to have a well paid job plus inherited family money. My husband is VERY good looking. No one has ever called him a gold digger - his DM even said I was only marrying him for his money (he doesn't have any) Oh and should mention we are still in love after umpteen years and 2 DCs.
I think if the situation was the other way round no one would blink an eye. :)

Have been through this with my husband’s son, I am 22 years younger than him and after we got together, 17 years ago now, his son insulted me by saying to my face when I went to collect him in his dad’s car, so this is why you are with my dad. We haven’t spoken since, except at funerals and then I don’t speak to him his dad only acknowledges him

There was an age difference between myself and late partner, he was not well off we were pretty much equal, both owned our own homes cars ect, him slightly more than me, i like older men.
How old are the 2 children who are saying this to your currant wife, is it possible they are repeating what they have heard your ex wife say, is it her insecurity's coming out thinking the children will not benefit if anything happens to you?
I think its time you had a chat with ex and older children, its very hurtful (having been through this)

I think this could be shaped into some perfect responses.

For your daughters: "What, you think there will be anything left for DP once you four girls have run me through?"

Do others: "DP is hardly wise in that regard, I've got four weddings to pay for after all"

Etc.

Here’s my perspective as someone who relates. I am a woman in my thirties, I think I look may age but maybe a little younger. My husband is 13 years older and possibly looks a little older still. He had more material assets than I on meeting, and his salary although not enormous, dwarfs mine (I am a reasonably successful senior ish nurse).

There have been comments, looks, jokes (not least from his exes camp). I lean into it. I either make the jokes myself, or turn it round to my huge non tangible value in our household. He couldn’t make that salary without me, and that is no small part of my value. I have no doubt that I give as much as I take.

I would suggest making it very clear to your partner, and to any commenters- how lucky you feel to be with her (in regards to her overall value as a partner, not her physical beauty).

I have a good friend who’s in her late 30s who’s a gold digger. She doesn’t use that word, but she doesn’t have a problem admitting she’s after older (50+) men with cash.

The problem that arises time and time again is that if the man has teen/adult kids, they see her coming.

Sounds like you’re doing pretty well, with a lovely girl friend, a good level of of income and wealth and living in a great city (I used to live in Paris and loved it, of course there are cultural differences but that’s part of the charm), and an engaging family.

Your response to these rude comments should depend on who’s making them. I’d be pretty direct with any acquaintances or friends and tell them with a smile that strange as it may seem, you’re lucky enough to be in a positive loving relationship.

Your daughters are a different matter however as it’s natural for them to feel threatened now that you’re potentially starting a new family. They need some reassurance from you that your relationship with them is your greatest priority and that you’re not going to cut them out. Depending on how you feel about it, it would be good to tell them about your will so they can see for themselves that your care for them is enduring - and then finally ask them to reciprocate and also care for your happiness and to continue to play a close and loving role in your life as it develops into the next phase.

@englishexpat the best way we’ve found to balance our finances is on a percentage contribution basis. When I earned 60% of our combined income I paid 60% of our outgoings. Over the years he was promoted several times and I remained working for the small charity sector so never received increases. Now he pays 70% and I the remaining 30%
By its nature it means we both have a percentage of disposable income left over, which feels more settled now he earns more because he’s quite traditional (although younger) and likes to “treat me” but even back then he was ok with me treating him because this method was “fair” to our circumstances.

I was younger than my partner when we met and a student while he had a business and was perceived to be doing well. He wasn’t but hid it. I knew. His family thought I was a gold digger and my stance on it was if you think their perceived wealth is the only thing I could possibly be attracted to then you obviously don’t see the person I do and that makes me sad for you… and sad that their family couldn’t see what I saw! It’s nearly 30 years now and because of that he’s drifted from from his family.

englishexpat
Actually, my ex-wife had an affair, although I take shared responsibility for our marriage declining
You admit you share the responsibility for your marriage breakdown. Your children must of seen how you treated you wife. It must have made them feel sad how you acted with their mother (maybe resulting for her to look for happiness else where). So this is why they speak about your new young love in this way.

The best way we balanced our finances is that everything goes into the joint account and everything comes out of the joint account. No percentages, and no-one is keeping tabs on who earns what. It is all literally joint.

That said- neither of us had children before we married which might have complicated things, and neither of us are profligate so there was not a need to separate out discretionary spending. We might discuss big personal expenses- like when I went away for an expensive weekend with friends to make sure the other is okay with it, but generally we just mix funds.

If a man had cheated on his wife, you could bet the comments on here wouldn't be making excuses for him by saying she mistreated him. Silly double standard. Cheating is cheating. The OP's ex may well resent the fact he has moved on: some people are like that, expect their ex to grovel and plead and then are surprised when they move on.

Yes with regard to a lower earning partner ( actually penniless)
I was a young (30) year old I’m told very attractive woman, with my own business and many properties.
I never married him thank goodness but 25 years on after one just one joint bank account and his fraud cheating and lies for 20 of those wasted years, turned out he has been robbing me blind and also took our daughters trust fund
so not all gold diggers are women, I now advise all my friends and daughters friends if this subject ever comes up never to have a joint bank account on any account if it is that the one partner needs to pay to another it goes in a separate account in their name done by way of allowance etc.
just never know people really

I think its horribly rude to you for people to suggest she's a gold digger, are they saying you can't get a decent woman?

It's also horribly rude to DP but that's more obvious.
I don't know whether I'd approach it light heartedly or go down the 'well aren't you just rude' approach.

Either way, marry the woman if you love each other, been in both situations, marriage is an awful lot simpler if something happens to either one of you, I'd imagine having money makes it even more relevant. Tell no one if it bothers others.

Have a great life.

Yes, I'm very lucky. Thank you.

I may be misunderstanding, but your ex-wife had an affair & is now making rude comments about you wanting a younger, less-assertive woman? That’s a little nervy. Maybe you want a woman who won’t cheat on you…

Thank you - that's very helpful.

They are 18

Yes - funny that

That's what happened with my husband's ex. She waited until they'd been separated two years and could have a no-fault divorce, and then announced that she was prepared to have him back. I'm assuming she'd heard that he'd asked me out.

I don't know whether she ever told her boyfriend that she'd offered a reconciliation... (No, she didn't split from her boyfriend. She conned her adult children into thinking that he was just a friend to whom she'd grown close.)