To resent 'golddigger' comments?

[englishexpat]

Although this may come across poorly, this is an issue I don't feel I can discuss with friends 'in real life'. I would be grateful for your advice. My sister-in-law suggested posting here anonymously.

I am a man in my early 50s, with 4 children {with my ex-DW}.
We divorced a few years ago, and I am fortunate to be in a relationship with my new partner.

I live with my partner and my youngest daughter, who is a pre-teen. Although the transition was challenging, I feel we are all fairly settled.

The issue is {and please don't take this as a joke} that my partner & I keep finding ourselves on the receiving end of 'banter' along the lines of her being a gold digger, and / or jokes with a sexist undertone implying I am just involved with her for her appearance.

For context, she is 13 years younger than me, (and my ex-wife), but also perhaps looks younger - people assume she is early rather than late 30s. She is beautiful, but this is obviously not the sole reason I am interested in her!

I earn a decent salary, nothing mad - but it is clear I am well-off because of my family background.

When these comments are made, I either try to diffuse with humour or, if it's really on the nose, to speak against it.

However I am well aware this kind of response may come across as even more heavy-handed.

It causes some tension in our relationship as well. My partner is successful in her career, but it is not a lucrative line of work. I want to look after and support her & am happy simply to share my good fortune. But she feels uncertain about this.

Two of my daughters have also implied my new partner is in it for the money, to put it bluntly.

Apologies for the long post. I am aware this may come across as ridiculous.

Frankly, I think your ex has a bit of a cheek, considering that she cheated on you!

We were friends before, linked peripherally through work.
My ex-wife initiated the divorce, however.
I do appreciate your candour - I think you're correct, unfortunately, in terms of people's perceptions.

@englishexpat I am the new partner in your situation. I love my partner dearly. It was pretty much love at first sight. I have been concerned that people might think I'm "gold digging" but if you liquidate us I'm actually worth more. It just doesn't seem that way as I'm asset rich cash poor (in comparison to him) whereas he is the other way round although limited assets.

We currently have a joint account ready for when our house purchase completes and we are paying in a proportion into this account from our respective salaries. I'm paying less than him. We have insurances for each other and other sexy sensible provisions.

I wish you all the best in your future happiness.

Well your ex wife has a cheek!!
I can assure you as the younger partner in my relationship I am far from a timid wallflower awaiting instructions from my older man.
As long as you and your partner are happy with the balance of your relationship ignore anyone with an opinion that you haven't asked for.

For your children turn it around- who gave you the idea the my partner is a gold digger? - if they say their mother said it - Do you think she is a gold digger because she married me?

For friends- oh, so are you jealous because she’s 13 yrs younger than me?

@englishexpat I'm a realist I'm afraid. Look at Graham Nash (musician) - he got a ton of vitriol but it's clear he and his much younger wife are very well matched.

Thank you. That sounds sensible.

It’s the daughters who sound like the real grabbers here. As others have said there are pros and cons to age gap relationships- I can guarantee they’ll expect your younger wife to be there when you are much older and need any sort of support (whilst probably still being disrespectful to you both).

Nip it in the bud and out them back in their place . That’s not only offensive to her as someone with a career but to you as they imply you can only get live if you have money . Your children are behaving badly .

I’ll be honest, if you got married I’d think it. But if you just live together and your kids are set to inherit everything then I’d probably think she actually did just like your company.

OP, there are not infrequent threads on here started by first children who's parent re-married and in doing so, failed to recognise what this can mean once they have passed away. In short, an assumption that the new wife will 'do right' by the children of the first marriage when the reality is they are ignored, not involved (and even excluded from) funeral arrangements and frequently not even able to retrieve photos or trinkets let alone any actual financial inheritance. Sure, you can think of them as grabby with no right to presume anything, but being left out of a will is devastating for those children who otherwise had a good relationship with their parent.

You should ask your children to stop with the comments because it's unreasonable of them to pursue that line. But I would advise in doing so, you sort your will and ensure that care home requirements aside, you reassure them that you will be fair and will not allow a new wife wife to walk away with the lot.

I can't believe the amount of posters who immediately assumed that OP left his wife and that his partner was the OW. Absolutely ridiculous.

OP, just be blunt. "That's very rude, are you implying that I can only get a woman if I have money?" Or if they say its a joke look blank "sorry I don't get it. Can you explain why that's funny?". Make them feel silly.

Also your ex is a cheeky mare! So she didn't want you, cheated on you, initiated divorce but doesn't want you to be happy with someone else? She can jog right on. And I'd be pointing that out to your daughters too!

@englishexpat

Hope this helps, In responding to these comments, effective communication is essential. While humor may be used to diffuse situations, it might not address the core problem. Instead, consider having open and respectful conversations with your daughters and those making such comments. Clarify your genuine intentions and feelings in the relationship. Additionally, focus on building trust and reassurance with your partner. Address her concerns and insecurities regarding financial support.

We do see each other a fair amount, but my (adult)daughters are not keen on visiting the apartment I share with my partner, or getting to know her particularly.

I agree that you should shut down or call out gold digger comments, but equally, you can’t expect your DD’s to like or want to get to know your partner. My Dad remarried after my Mum died and I liked my SM, she was a lovely person; OTOH, my cousins couldn’t stand my Auntie’s second husband, but were polite to him.

You may have to accept that being civil to each other is as far as it’ll ever go.

I am 23 years younger than DH and have been with him for 26 years. I have had gold digger accusations thrown at me since day dot.

truth is- you will never change the minds of the ignorant and prejudiced.

We have said over the years things like;

• actually i am an heiress and DH is with me for my money (It is true as it happens that i out earn DH by quite a bit and have for years)
• DH was playing the long game and wanted to marry the woman who would end up as his carer
• none of your fucking business

I'd honestly ignore. If comments are made to your face then go batshit in their faces. But otherwise just leave them to their stupid assumptions.

This says everything about the subject that can possibly need to be said.

@englishexpat

although your daughter are being rude, I think you need to reflect and explore with them what’s driving that. For example:

• it’s a clear signal the family unit they grew up in is over
• their mum is finding it hard (what’s her relationship status? You said she had an affair? If she’s single now I can see why she may not be the politest about your partner when you’re not around
• its a massive change in their relationship with you. Coming to stay with just you is comfortable and familiar, coming to stay with you and new partner is very different requires effort
• Her younger age may make her seem more ‘like them’ bs the generational gap with you and their mum
• and / or requires your children to accept that you have a sex life (which even young adults may find uncomfortable)
• any chance you may have children with your new partner? They may be worried about that (consciously or unconsciously) if she’s late 30s they’ll know it’s a possibility which it wouldn’t be with a new partner closer to you in age
• inheritance. I don’t think it’s grabby for them to wonder about this. If they see you setting up home and if you talk to them about combining finances then of course they will. Talk to them. Talk to your partner. Figure out how you will protect their interests even if you remarry and or have more children. Make a will that sets that out. Show it to them. I have friends with step parents where this hasn’t happened and the worry and resentment never goes away.

@englishexpat

and - spend time with your daughters without your new partner. Don’t expect them to play ‘happy families’ with you and her, at least not all the time. If you make an effort to see them without her, I think you can ask them to make an effort with her sometimes.

but don’t bring her to every meet up / holiday / visit with your kids. 50/50 maximum with and without her

I voted YABU in the context of you are being unreasonable to worry about it, ignore and be happy

They are adults, not 10 year olds. They are old enough to understand that relationships end and people move on.

You could just say “I don’t care”.

If I was an old man with a young partner that’s what I would say and I really wouldn’t care if she was with me for the money or not as long as she was loving and kind. Your money might well have been part of your appeal for her because it might give you a certain confidence or lifestyle. If it is ok for people to be drawn to each other for looks I see no reason why they shouldn’t initially be drawn together because of money. For some people it can make someone attractive but is only one of other attributes they look for. By the way, you mention her looks. Has anyone said you are only with her for her youth and beauty?

if your friends and family detect however that she is planning to get as much from
you as she can, have a child and then break up with you for example then that’s another story.

An anecdote: a friend of mine thought of himself as unattractive and found that women weren’t attracted to him. When he got older and had a bit of clout behind him he was pursued by a very young woman in his firm who I think perceived that he would be able to give her the lifestyle, stability and family she craved - unlike younger men who kept letting her down. They now have 3 kids; my friend who was basically an incel (without all the misogyny many of them
get into) is ludicrously happy as is the young woman who is also a content sahm. Each to their own.

@PaperwhiteTheGhost

yes, but it’s still worth having open conversations about what’s going on.

if a friend of mine got a new partner and I suddenly never saw them without the new person that would be a big change.

the parent / child dynamic is still at play and if they were totally fine with it they wouldn’t be giving off these signals.

sure, they might just be rude. But the OP himself says he’s not great at talking about things.

he can say he finds the comments hurtful or disrespectful to them AND then seek to explore where they are coming from.

the step situation I referred to the adult children are rude to their step mum. But she’s equally if not more horrible to them and their father has never addressed the questions around inheritance. He find it stressful but he needs to find the courage to address what’s driving it.

Do you think you will have a child with your partner ? she is at an age when she might want a child and you haven't mentioned if she has any from previous relationships ?

Assuming the OP stays in France, his children's inheritance is protected whether he marries his partner or not.

OP, has your partner got friends of her own in Paris?

Tell them she's with you for your massive penis actually. That'll shut them up.

You need to talk to your daughters. Perhaps they are worried she'll get all their inheritance.

So you make time to still then then without your wife?