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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent 'golddigger' comments?

193 replies

englishexpat · 23/10/2023 14:59

Although this may come across poorly, this is an issue I don't feel I can discuss with friends 'in real life'. I would be grateful for your advice. My sister-in-law suggested posting here anonymously.

I am a man in my early 50s, with 4 children {with my ex-DW}.
We divorced a few years ago, and I am fortunate to be in a relationship with my new partner.

I live with my partner and my youngest daughter, who is a pre-teen. Although the transition was challenging, I feel we are all fairly settled.

The issue is {and please don't take this as a joke} that my partner & I keep finding ourselves on the receiving end of 'banter' along the lines of her being a gold digger, and / or jokes with a sexist undertone implying I am just involved with her for her appearance.

For context, she is 13 years younger than me, (and my ex-wife), but also perhaps looks younger - people assume she is early rather than late 30s. She is beautiful, but this is obviously not the sole reason I am interested in her!

I earn a decent salary, nothing mad - but it is clear I am well-off because of my family background.

When these comments are made, I either try to diffuse with humour or, if it's really on the nose, to speak against it.

However I am well aware this kind of response may come across as even more heavy-handed.

It causes some tension in our relationship as well. My partner is successful in her career, but it is not a lucrative line of work. I want to look after and support her & am happy simply to share my good fortune. But she feels uncertain about this.

Two of my daughters have also implied my new partner is in it for the money, to put it bluntly.

Apologies for the long post. I am aware this may come across as ridiculous.

OP posts:
Luckydip1 · 23/10/2023 17:12

Who cares about what other people think, sod them, just enjoy your new relationship.

CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:13

It's OK for a creative type to be attracted to a sensible type and vice versa. There is an element of Co dependency, that could possibly make the union stronger.

Most relationships have some transactional elements. I think you need to simply ask "did you mean to be so rude? ", every time someone makes a derogatory remark.

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:17

DaftQuestionForToday · 23/10/2023 17:11

@englishexpat

ahhh France, Paris even. I'm not sure how to say 'WTF did you expect!!!' without saying 'WTF did you expect'??

I'd expect it other places too, but absolutely in France.

Deal with your older daughters face to face & directly ask what their actual problem is & tell them you do not want to hear anymore off hand comments about it.

closd family & friend tell them you've had enough of the banter now & to pack it in!

cadual comments in bars & stuff just agree that she's after your gold (cock!!) & your mad over her youthful good looks! You don't need to educate all the ignorant twats. Or tell them to rack off!! Don't let insignificant people get under your skin!!

Ha ha, yes I think Paris is possibly part of the issue here - although I love France, she's definitely under more scrutiny here by men.

OP posts:
Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:18

CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:13

It's OK for a creative type to be attracted to a sensible type and vice versa. There is an element of Co dependency, that could possibly make the union stronger.

Most relationships have some transactional elements. I think you need to simply ask "did you mean to be so rude? ", every time someone makes a derogatory remark.

Thank you, that is helpful @CreationNat1on.

OP posts:
Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:20

AfterWeights · 23/10/2023 17:09

Im a woman of similar vintage to your wife, and can't fathom why a woman my age would want a partner in his 50s with 4 grown kids tbh. Even if you look like george clooney. So I'd probably assume that the financial security you offer played at least some part in her choice to be with you. Sorry but its true, i would! I would be looking ahead and not wanting to be late 50s with a husband over 70.

Yes, I've made your point to her as well.... and I don't look terrible for my age, but I'm certainly not George Clooney. I mainly try to avoid remembering that she dated men in their early to mid 30s before me ...

OP posts:
YankeeDad · 23/10/2023 17:23

Depending whether she would find this funny, for situations where you do not know the person well (such as a waiter) could you wife answer instead and say "don‘t you worry, we keep our finances separate and and I‘m only using him for sex?"?

If they are jealous then that will make them even more jealous but it might also shut them up ...

CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:26

Yes, I think you need to find ways to make fun out of these exchanges, put all the strangers firmly back in their boxes, even do so in front of family members, so they know your boundaries

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:27

YankeeDad · 23/10/2023 17:23

Depending whether she would find this funny, for situations where you do not know the person well (such as a waiter) could you wife answer instead and say "don‘t you worry, we keep our finances separate and and I‘m only using him for sex?"?

If they are jealous then that will make them even more jealous but it might also shut them up ...

Yes (that made me laugh). She is very funny and she has deadpanned a response before along those lines ... although she is still lacking somewhat in confidence in French. And it's hard to master humour in a second language, even when you have some fluency.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 23/10/2023 17:27

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 15:06

To be honest if I were a gold digger a man with 4 kids and the expenses that they incur wouldn’t be my ideal prey.

This made me 😅😅😅

Squeaky2023 · 23/10/2023 17:27

That is so rude.
Let your face fall and tell them that you are both happy together before asking if that makes them unhappy.

221BBakerSt · 23/10/2023 17:30

@englishexpat I am a female who is often called gold digger by nasty, nasty people who know nothing but still adore judging; my DP is twenty years older than me. I find it incredibly hurtful.

I would suggest you are very firm in showing how disrespectful you find it, if someone cares about you and knows this they should stop and if they don’t it shows you something important about them.
I don’t even live with my DP, and actually probably spend more on our relationship than he does simply because of the things that make me happy like buying him surprises that make him smile. I love him so much.
Also - how dare people…I have the painful knowledge my beloved will in all probability die before me and I will have to deal with heartbreak and being alone, and there is every possibility his health may decline drastically at any point (already 70) and I may end up needing to care for him for years. That’s my decision, taken very carefully and with tears, you see I never expected to fall truly in love but I did and I cherish every second with my DP.

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:31

Has anyone been the lower-earning partner in a relationship?
How have you maintained your sense of financial independence ? If that doesn't sound patronising.
We're at the delicate stage of combining finances by starting a joint account. Which I'm mainly managing, because I'm more used to the bureaucracy after decades here. And this of course doesn't help with the sense of imbalance in our relationship.

OP posts:
Rewis · 23/10/2023 17:32

Just simple say "cut it out, you know it isn't true" or just "don't" and move on with the conversation. Turning it into humour makes it feelcliem you're all in it. I've done the mistake of not standing up to my bf cause I didn't realise he didn't enjoy the joke. But now I know and a simple "don't" has fixed the problem and not caused any awkwardness and the recipient realised they've crossed the line.

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:33

221BBakerSt · 23/10/2023 17:30

@englishexpat I am a female who is often called gold digger by nasty, nasty people who know nothing but still adore judging; my DP is twenty years older than me. I find it incredibly hurtful.

I would suggest you are very firm in showing how disrespectful you find it, if someone cares about you and knows this they should stop and if they don’t it shows you something important about them.
I don’t even live with my DP, and actually probably spend more on our relationship than he does simply because of the things that make me happy like buying him surprises that make him smile. I love him so much.
Also - how dare people…I have the painful knowledge my beloved will in all probability die before me and I will have to deal with heartbreak and being alone, and there is every possibility his health may decline drastically at any point (already 70) and I may end up needing to care for him for years. That’s my decision, taken very carefully and with tears, you see I never expected to fall truly in love but I did and I cherish every second with my DP.

@221BBakerSt I'm sorry to hear that's been your experience too. It has been very hurtful for my partner too.

OP posts:
Rewis · 23/10/2023 17:36

englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:31

Has anyone been the lower-earning partner in a relationship?
How have you maintained your sense of financial independence ? If that doesn't sound patronising.
We're at the delicate stage of combining finances by starting a joint account. Which I'm mainly managing, because I'm more used to the bureaucracy after decades here. And this of course doesn't help with the sense of imbalance in our relationship.

There is no right answer here. I personally support % of jncome in the joint accounts. But thats problematic when you have kids and it also depends who own the house, is the other person paying towards it etc. I recommend starting a new thread for this on a section that is not AIBU cause this is not the most balanced place.

YankeeDad · 23/10/2023 17:36

If you both have a properly filthy sense of humour, she could say "En fait il n‘a pas un rond mais il a une grosse bite!" (loosely translated, "he‘s totally broke but he‘s got a big dick")

Then she pulls out the credit card (could be a joint account if you are actually the one paying) for when the bill comes ...

Peverellshire · 23/10/2023 17:37

Did your ex remain in love with you or in denial before you met your new partner?

JaneGainsborough · 23/10/2023 17:38

AfterWeights · 23/10/2023 17:09

Im a woman of similar vintage to your wife, and can't fathom why a woman my age would want a partner in his 50s with 4 grown kids tbh. Even if you look like george clooney. So I'd probably assume that the financial security you offer played at least some part in her choice to be with you. Sorry but its true, i would! I would be looking ahead and not wanting to be late 50s with a husband over 70.

Really? You think a 13 year age gap is a big deal? It really, really isn't. I am forty and very happily partnered with a man my own age, but if I were single I would certainly consider a man in his fifties if I were attracted to him. A man in his eighties, not so much.

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 17:39

Perhaps your friends and family can see what she is really like? Maybe they have checked if she has form.

I'm sorry to say but many of my friends fall into this category.

Ate they " bantering " because they want you to think logically?
Could you make a will leaving everything to your children. And tell her... see the reaction?

She could of course be perfectly genuine. But very often there is an agenda

GoodToBeHome · 23/10/2023 17:42

My husband is 16 ish years older than me and even after 20 years together we still get comments about me being a gold digger!
We just laugh, he didn't and still doesn't have a pot to piss in so I've been digging for a long time for no sodding gold 🤣

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:46

YankeeDad · 23/10/2023 17:36

If you both have a properly filthy sense of humour, she could say "En fait il n‘a pas un rond mais il a une grosse bite!" (loosely translated, "he‘s totally broke but he‘s got a big dick")

Then she pulls out the credit card (could be a joint account if you are actually the one paying) for when the bill comes ...

Ha!

OP posts:
GoodToBeHome · 23/10/2023 17:50

JaneGainsborough · 23/10/2023 17:38

Really? You think a 13 year age gap is a big deal? It really, really isn't. I am forty and very happily partnered with a man my own age, but if I were single I would certainly consider a man in his fifties if I were attracted to him. A man in his eighties, not so much.

Show quote history

Mn is very stuffy about age gaps, anything over about 5 years and the old trope about ending up a carer starts to get wheeled out......
I am also waiting for someone to tell OP he's only with his partner so he can control her because clearly the younger partner never has a say in the relationship.
I am sat waiting with my bingo card for the usual comments!

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:51

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 17:39

Perhaps your friends and family can see what she is really like? Maybe they have checked if she has form.

I'm sorry to say but many of my friends fall into this category.

Ate they " bantering " because they want you to think logically?
Could you make a will leaving everything to your children. And tell her... see the reaction?

She could of course be perfectly genuine. But very often there is an agenda

@Maddy70 It's a fair question, and I'm sure I'd think about it if I suspected similar with a close friend or relative.

However in our case, my partner is actively rejecting my offers to just cover everything - she wants to pay for some things, e.g. a meal out. Which I am obviously fine with. And she will pay for things for my daughter if they're out together, although I would always give her my card; she just does that automatically. She's not penniless, and has supported herself, but has had to live more frugally before we met. Her life was pretty adventurous and she's lived all over.

Without sharing all my financial arrangements, I've already set up my will & set up a trust for my children, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:52

GoodToBeHome · 23/10/2023 17:50

Mn is very stuffy about age gaps, anything over about 5 years and the old trope about ending up a carer starts to get wheeled out......
I am also waiting for someone to tell OP he's only with his partner so he can control her because clearly the younger partner never has a say in the relationship.
I am sat waiting with my bingo card for the usual comments!

Show quote history

Yes my ex-wife has covered 'you want to be with a younger woman who is less assertive than I am'

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 23/10/2023 17:52

@englishexpat if you were friends before and the divorce was your choice (I'm not sure if you said so)? Then the perception will be that you were somehow involved and hence the coldness and the fact you initiated divorce too (if indeed you did). I have this issue with my sons from my 1st marriage. I don't think you can get rid of the idea of a gold digger in some peoples minds- and it means different things to different people. She may not be after presents or houses or expensive gifts etc but the security and general lifestyle - your children if they are adults may well think you will marry her and they will get nothing- I do agree it shouldn't be in peoples minds but sadly it often is these days.