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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD go to a Halloween party and instead go to the activities she's committed to?

195 replies

AllyJayTee · 23/10/2023 09:32

Okay, first world problems I admit, but interested in other's takes on this.

DD (12) wants to go to her friend's Halloween party on Friday night. Friday night is Scouts night for DD and she's missed a few already this term for various reasons (a couple were illness). She's also missing a couple of Scouts sessions in a row in November as she's doing the local Gang Show. It's getting a bit awkward as I feel she's hardly been there.

Separately, she wants to go out on Halloween night itself with her friends (trick or treating or whatever we call it now!) and will need to miss netball coaching for that. She says everyone else is missing netball that night too for Halloween. 🙄

I'm not a big fan of the kids missing activities that they've committed to. It's not about the money but more the commitment aspect, and lessons in turning up to things you've said you'll do. Also it's unfair on the organisers and leaders I think who, for both these activities, are unpaid volunteers. Fair enough if the kids are unwell or it's a genuine one off. But birthday parties and Halloween parties? Not so sure they are more important.

I don't want to spoil her fun but I'd rather she went to her commited activities. Maybe I'm being dull though and most probably am overthinking it.

Am I being unreasonable to make her miss the Halloween party?

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 23/10/2023 09:34

Halloween is once a year. I'd ask her to choose one of the Halloween activities to go to.

sprigatito · 23/10/2023 09:35

YABU. She's 12 and should have some agency over what she does. Halloween and birthday parties are important to her.

HattieIou · 23/10/2023 09:35

Yeah you're being dull. Does she like doing the activities? Or is it more that you want her to do them? They are only kids for a short time.

Plexie · 23/10/2023 09:37

Experiencing Halloween at that age (whether themed party or trick/treating) is only going to happen a handful of times, at most, in someone's life. I still remember the themed Halloween party I went to as a child. It's life experience - let her go!

Comefromaway · 23/10/2023 09:38

Gang show is scouts so even if she's missing her normal meeting I'm sure they are supportive of that as she will be representing them.

I'd be more inclined to let her miss scouts than netball coaching as there is a team reliant on her.

Badtasteflump · 23/10/2023 09:39

I would let her do what she wants to do - Halloween is only once a year and this party is probably a big deal for your DD and her friends. I understand from your pov she has 'committed' to Scouts and sports practice, but if you feel she's hardly been lately, maybe she is losing interest.... and if she is, that's fine. Interests change, especially when young people are growing up, and imo if you try and force a hobby on her she could end up hating it.

YouveGotAFastCar · 23/10/2023 09:39

Parties are really important when you’re 12. Arguably a lot more so than that specific netball game, or scouts session.

Also, surely this way of thinking just means she’ll ditch all activities to keep her time free for social events that she may or may not be invited to? and overall she’s going to learn a lot from Scouts/netball/etc.

Let the clubs know ahead of time so they can staff appropriately. Then let her have some autonomy and a social life. Balancing commitments is a part of life, and that includes social ones.

PixiePirate · 23/10/2023 09:39

I agree with you 100% but perhaps a chat is also needed to make sure she still wants to do netball and Scouts.

I’m sure the volunteers running these clubs would also enjoy spending some of these occasions with their own friends and families but they made a commitment and are presumably honouring it. We can’t all expect these experiences to be provided for our children and then let them flake whenever they don’t fancy it or get a better offer.

YourNameGoesHere · 23/10/2023 09:40

I'm surprised netball would still be on to be honest. Halloween is once a year and whilst she has missed some sessions due to illness and the gang show which are unavoidable I think it should be her choice to miss the sessions. She's old enough to have some say in what she wants to do and somethings are more important at that age than one scout meeting or netball training session.

Badtasteflump · 23/10/2023 09:41

Also meant to say, if it's 'getting awkward' with the organisers, just tell them DD has a lot going on, and check with them if it's ok that she just comes along when she can. They will be used to children coming and going, it really doesn't have to be awkward at all.

Marblessolveeverything · 23/10/2023 09:41

I would prioritise the party and the trick n treat - these are events which will be spoke about at school etc. Does she still want to do scouts?

Comefromaway · 23/10/2023 09:42

I used to run a performing arts activity and whenever Halloween actually fell on the night of a class we used to have a themed evening with fancy dress and sweets in order to encourage people to still come.

Smartiepants79 · 23/10/2023 09:42

The gang show is scouts so I wouldn’t worry about that.
Is there no way she can go for some of the party and still do scouts? I think I would let her go to the party. Being invited to this kind of thing is a very big deal for most 12 year olds. I’d also wouldn’t be at all during she is correct about lots of them missing netball for Halloween.

VikingVolva · 23/10/2023 09:42

Illness is not her fault

Gang Show is a scouts activity, so isn't really missing a session.

So she's asking for one evening this term to go out with her friends (all of whom will be missing netball as well, which is an entirely plausible scenario)

I think you're being a bit of a killjoy, as well as exaggerating the amount of sessions of activities she is asking to be excused

Onelifeonly · 23/10/2023 09:42

I'm with you on committing to pre planned activities but in this case I'd agree to the Halloween party and trick or treating. My girls are grown up now but Halloween was massive for them for years. It's only once a year.

I'd also gently suggest that at 12, on the cusp of becoming a teenager, your dd is likely to switch her priorities and focus very soon - adult-led activities may become less important to her, unless they are ones she is personally very invested in.

Flickersy · 23/10/2023 09:42

I would say she can choose one. But I would be having a serious conversation about wasting money and honouring commitments / not flaking when something better comes along, and respecting the time / effort / money that her parents and the volunteers put in to enabling her to do these things.

Longma · 23/10/2023 09:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Catspyjamas17 · 23/10/2023 09:43

We can’t all expect these experiences to be provided for our children and then let them flake whenever they don’t fancy it or get a better offer.

I would disagree - if they no longer want to go then they don't go, it is voluntary and hobbies should be fun. If they miss a few times in a term then I would ask if they really want to keep going and stop the activity if they don't.

junbean · 23/10/2023 09:46

Let her enjoy her childhood while she's still in it for christ sakes.

Catspyjamas17 · 23/10/2023 09:46

Also they do grow up quickly, DD2 was all about trick or treating and Hallowe'en parties until last year, now she's nearly 15 she's not bothered. DD1 lost interest even earlier than that.

luckylavender · 23/10/2023 09:47

HattieIou · 23/10/2023 09:35

Yeah you're being dull. Does she like doing the activities? Or is it more that you want her to do them? They are only kids for a short time.

That's quite rude. I imagine the OP is paying for the activities and that they're not cheap. 12 is old enough to recognise responsibility, it's a good lesson.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 09:48

Guide leader here:

We fully understand that Halloween and Bonfire Night we will be quiet, some times we even cancel those nights. Just be considerate enough to inform the leaders in advance

Gang Show will still be Scouting anyway. She's not missing really for those.

ScarboroughHair · 23/10/2023 09:49

I'd let her go on the agreement that she has to attend every week in the month of November. December will be disrupted because of Christmas but I think November should be her chance to re-commit.

As an adult I would miss my hobbies if a big annual event or party came up, I don't think it's fair to suggest it indicates a lack of commitment.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 09:49

Guide leader here:

We fully understand that Halloween and Bonfire Night we will be quiet, some times we even cancel those nights. Just be considerate enough to inform the leaders in advance

Gang Show will still be Scouting anyway. She's not missing really for those.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/10/2023 09:49

What a miserable post. She’s only 12 once. Why are you even considering making her go to scouts or netball? They aren’t compulsory. There should be no discussion. Halloween every time. You shouldn’t have to ask.

She’ll resent you for ever.