To not let DD go to a Halloween party and instead go to the activities she's committed to?

[AllyJayTee]

Okay, first world problems I admit, but interested in other's takes on this.

DD (12) wants to go to her friend's Halloween party on Friday night. Friday night is Scouts night for DD and she's missed a few already this term for various reasons (a couple were illness). She's also missing a couple of Scouts sessions in a row in November as she's doing the local Gang Show. It's getting a bit awkward as I feel she's hardly been there.

Separately, she wants to go out on Halloween night itself with her friends (trick or treating or whatever we call it now!) and will need to miss netball coaching for that. She says everyone else is missing netball that night too for Halloween. 🙄

I'm not a big fan of the kids missing activities that they've committed to. It's not about the money but more the commitment aspect, and lessons in turning up to things you've said you'll do. Also it's unfair on the organisers and leaders I think who, for both these activities, are unpaid volunteers. Fair enough if the kids are unwell or it's a genuine one off. But birthday parties and Halloween parties? Not so sure they are more important.

I don't want to spoil her fun but I'd rather she went to her commited activities. Maybe I'm being dull though and most probably am overthinking it.

Am I being unreasonable to make her miss the Halloween party?

I let mine miss activities for things like Halloween, bonfire night etc, tbh though they usually get cancelled due them anyway. I probably wouldn't for military cadets though which is more formal than scouts (I have kids in each).

But the DD wants to miss only one session of netball!

OP shouldn't begrudge her earlier absences through illness. Nor doing a different Scouts activity (Gang Show) on regular meeting night.

I expect lots that age will go trick or treating and you can only do it on the 31st. Imagine you make her go to netball and there are only 2 kids there so they can’t play anyway!

As an adult I would miss my hobbies if a big annual event or party came up, I don't think it's fair to suggest it indicates a lack of commitment.

Exactly. I really dislike it when children and teenagers are held to standards adults wouldn't be held to. No one would bat an eye at an adult missing a week of netball for a friend's party or call them uncommitted because they've missed a few weeks due to illness.

I'm not sure about unreasonable as such but you need to pick your battles and be careful not to shoot yourself in the foot re activities and commitment. If you unwittingly create in her a sense of conflict between the activity and having the freedom to do other things, or of missing out on socialising because of the activity, she may respond by no longer wanting to do those or any other activities at all.

These things require careful management. I'd probably let her go to at least one of the halloween events. Maybe let her choose.

Scouts I would let her miss. It depends how serious the netball is really. My dd never missed gymnastics because of Halloween (she managed trick or treating once because it didn't fall on a gym night) but they provided sweets, and let them wear non uniform, as they knew people were making the sacrifice. Same with other daughter and dance school, they would do something themed that night so they didn't miss out.

I’ve always let my children go to parties over activities, it doesn’t mean their activities aren’t important.

Halloween party - as someone with young adults I look back and really don't know why we juggled and gave any thought to these activities.

Another vote for letting her miss them. Just tell the leaders now so they have a heads up on numbers.

Force her to go and you risk turning her off these activities just at the age when you really want her to keep going.

She will resent you if don’t let her go.

Adults are held to different standards because they pay for their own activities and get themselves to said activities under their own steam.

Even so, it would still be rude of an adult to leave their netball team in the lurch, assuming the team is a serious one, because they got a better offer. Not so much if it's just a casual thing.

I'd say that at 12 she's old enough to choose what she prefers to do in her own leisure time. I wouldn't make a kid miss a social event like a party or trick or treating with her mates for Scouts or netball practice. And yes, you are being incredibly dull.

She's getting to an age now where she and her friends are going to be arranging their own get-togethers and she won't want to feel left out. Organised activities don't always hold quite the same appeal when there's competition from social events that are a bit more spontaneous and less supervised, and Halloween is only once a year and probably feels a lot more exciting than the alternatives. Scouts and netball are great, but it's all very wholesome, adult-supervised and a bit school-like and self-improving - nothing wrong with that, but surely you can see that your daughter needs a less regimented social life too?

If it gets to the point where she's choosing something else over Scouts every week and/or has clearly lost interest, then let her drop it altogether. It's her leisure time and her leisure activities shouldn't feel like a chore.

Let her go!

YABU. At 12 it’s pretty normal that she will start wanting to do things with friends on Friday nights, if she’s missed quite a few Scouts meetings already it sounds like she is starting to outgrow it, her social interests have moved on and she is more interested in doing other things with her friends on Fridays. I think i’s pretty normal for children to outgrow clubs like Scouts/ Guides etc once they hit secondary school. It sounds like you need to have a conversation with her about whether she wants to continue with Scouts or whether she’s ready to quit.

Netball is a one off for trick-or-treating, it’s not often that social engagements are going to come up on a Tuesday evening and she probably one has one or two halloween nights left before she’s too old to trick or treat so I don’t think it’s a big deal to miss netball as a one off. You can give advance warning so if not many people are going to attend those running the session can make plans with that in mind.

Oh let her do Halloween - she's about to age out of the funnest parts, and she will miss out on social experiences which are important that age.

Well given the 12 year old can't pay for her own activities this is a daft argument. So since she can't pay for it she can never miss it but adults who pay can miss their hobbies for any reason.

It's not the case of getting a better offer it's that life outside of the hobby happens and if you have a weekly commitment then sometimes events will fall on this day. No one would be cross if an adult missed a week at a recreational netball club for a party.

I used to be a Scout leader and we always lost kids to things like Halloween. It was no big deal really as we adjusted our plans to suit.

Also DD's Scout meetings are on a Friday, the leaders must be used to patchy attendance as kids attend parties, go away etc on Fridays. Not so much on school nights.

As for netball she should support her team, but it seems that the rest of the team won't be there anyway? It sounds like she will be mega resentful if you "make" her go (this would have gone down very badly with DS when he was a similar age) In your shoes I would let her go and acknowledge that these things are important to her

Thank you, I appreciate all the responses!

She's not losing interest in these activities, it's just been one of those terms. Sometimes you end up missing a few things in a row for various reasons and it's just been a bit like that recently.
To be fair, a couple were illness and the other was a camp she wasn't fussed about going to (wild camping with no tents).

Netball she hasn't missed any, but if the other girls are definitely not going either on Halloween night, then that's an easier call.

We'll probably let her go to the party but explain the importance of missing activities too.😀

I'd let her go, halloween is once a year, it might be her last time out trick or treating and so much fun going to a Halloween party where she might feel down having to miss out and go to scouts instead.

By not allowing her to go to the party, you may find that she is reluctant to attempt new things in the future.

From her perspective, as she won’t be allowed to change her mind if the new activity isn’t for her, why bother at all.

This could be an opportunity for you to keep positive communication going between the two of you (hearing about the party plans, clothing choices, etc. it’s an exciting time in a tweens life).

This is a very sensible reply OP, and not something we expect from MN.

I suggest you react far more unreasonably.

Thank you

It's not rude at all don't be daft. OP asked was she being dull, I said yes I think you're being dull. Please explain why it's rude to answer the question by saying yes?

Speaking from experience, the only thing she’ll end up doing is wanting to drop these activities altogether to spend time with her friends. I totally agree with going because she’s committed herself, but if she has to choose, in the end she’ll more than likely end up choosing her friends.

From being 10 to my mid twenties/early thirties, I was committed to an activity that I went to and enjoyed. This fell on a Friday night and I made lots of sacrifices due to this commitment.
I enjoyed it at the time and the discipline of going I think has given me quite a responsible outlook on life.

I never resented my parents for making me go. But I did resent the activity. And now I want nothing to do with it and I don’t want to commit my time during the week to anything, probably partially due to this.

I think If there is financial commitment from the OP, then compromising and doing one Halloween/social thing and then retaining the other commitment/activity is fair. OPs daughter chooses which. That’s that.

But @HattieIou's point still stands. I'm sure the OP is indeed paying for the activities, but that doesn't mean her DD actually wants to do them. It's perfectly possible that she's outgrown Scouts but is being pushed into keeping up with it by the OP because the OP wants her to. You can't expect people to be grateful and responsible for things they didn't want or choose in the first place, whether that's a child or an adult.