To not let DD go to a Halloween party and instead go to the activities she's committed to?

[AllyJayTee]

Okay, first world problems I admit, but interested in other's takes on this.

DD (12) wants to go to her friend's Halloween party on Friday night. Friday night is Scouts night for DD and she's missed a few already this term for various reasons (a couple were illness). She's also missing a couple of Scouts sessions in a row in November as she's doing the local Gang Show. It's getting a bit awkward as I feel she's hardly been there.

Separately, she wants to go out on Halloween night itself with her friends (trick or treating or whatever we call it now!) and will need to miss netball coaching for that. She says everyone else is missing netball that night too for Halloween. 🙄

I'm not a big fan of the kids missing activities that they've committed to. It's not about the money but more the commitment aspect, and lessons in turning up to things you've said you'll do. Also it's unfair on the organisers and leaders I think who, for both these activities, are unpaid volunteers. Fair enough if the kids are unwell or it's a genuine one off. But birthday parties and Halloween parties? Not so sure they are more important.

I don't want to spoil her fun but I'd rather she went to her commited activities. Maybe I'm being dull though and most probably am overthinking it.

Am I being unreasonable to make her miss the Halloween party?

Mine are missing their activities to trick and treat. Pretty high level sporting too. County level. It's once a year. Let them have fun!

YABU, let her go to the parties!! If you force her to go to scouts and netball she’ll soon turn around and say she wants to quit them both.

We never miss things like football/cricket training or matches but come on, it's Halloween and it's also important that your daughter gets to spend time with her friends and not missing out! Are you sure she still enjoys scouts? It's not really the "cool" thing to do nowadays especially once they are at high school, and maybe she just goes because you want her to?

Sounds like she is changing priorities from scouts/sports as she’s growing up. Maybe have a chat about it when you can, don’t waste time effort and money on things she is losing interest in. She may be keeping these hobbies because she feels it pleases you.
I think I’d let her go to the Halloween activities if that’s what she chooses - often these things don’t live up to the excitement and expectation, maybe a good lesson in life.

I’m a volunteer football coach and I always say to the parents, football should be something they do amongst everything else they want to do, so if they have to miss a game or training session for a birthday party or trick or treating, it’s not a problem. If they miss everything else to do the activity, they will end up hating the activity!

So you’re happy for her to miss it for things you think are important (gang show) but not things she thinks are important?

@SpendingTooLongThinkingOfAUsername not every teenager is ‘cool’. We always have waiting lists for the scout groups near us. The problem we have is recruiting adults to be leaders.

Oh that’s just mean.

I'm part of a competitive sports team and no, I have never missed a session for a social occasion in over a decade. The team is more important - if I'm not there, everyone is affected.

Obviously I'm an adult and it's a competitive team though. I would have the same attitude if it was a junior competitive team however.

For a social group yes I'd miss it. So I'd miss scouts. I'd also ask the netball coach if it was being cancelled, but if it wasn't then I'd expect dc to go.

Let her go. 12 is such an agonising age. She'll be miserable if you make her miss the party with all her friends.

Most competetive teams are well able to miss a few players, if they can't, your team is not set up properly. It's practice, and she's 12. If you'd send a 12 year old to a half empty netball practice when all her friends are at a party,expect your kid to quit that team as soon as they can, and anything else you want them to do.

May I ask again, was scouts her idea or yours?

Socialising at events such as Halloween parties is just as important as extracurricular activities to form a well rounded person.

If DD is regularly missing an activity is it possible that she might not be enjoying it anymore?

The Friday night party is OK, but if she's going out trick or treating with friends she's too old to go trick or treating.

I'm an ex-Brownie and Guide leader. Did both for 25 years. I would always cancel if there was a clash. I felt it wasn't fair to cause arguments in families, and anyway, after turning up to a meeting in my early years of leading and only having three or four attend, I learnt my lesson.

Commitment and extracurricular activities are important - however friendships are as important (or perhaps even more important) to their social and personal development.
If she's always the one who can’t go because she’s tied to loads of clubs, she will start to miss out and although it seems like just ‘fun’ to you, it’s a really important part of maturing into the lovely young people that we hope they’ll be.

Also, if X, Y and Z activities mean she gets no flexibility to participate in things with her friends, you’ll find she’s unlikely to be keen to continue with these and you won’t be able to force her.

This is not the hill to die on!

She's not. She's 12.

I completely understand your POV as I myself am having this very same issue with my SD who is also 12. She does a drama club on a Tuesday evening which she has done for a couple years, during the last year Sept 2022-Aug 2023 she complained a lot about going mid year but we said no, she needs to see it through to the end - which she did. Come September I double checked before I didn’t sign her up incase she actually wanted to do it, she said yes she does want to do it and she was just being dramatic as she felt she was struggling to juggle new high school routine as its a lot more work compared to primary but she’s managed it now and loves drama and what’s to continue. Cue from Sept 2023 - constant whinging & trying to make excuses not to go, wanting to go out with friends, go to other places etc. 🙄 I have put my foot down about it and said no, she has already made the commitment which we discussed at length as I didn’t want to sign her up again if she wasn’t 100% in it as I didn’t want a repeat of the previous year. So I beg the question, was the scouts her decision to do? In my case it was my SDs decision which is why me and her dad only excuse absences due to illness.

@MrsSkylerWhite why do you keep asking whether scouts was OP's ask or DD's? Many young people love scouting, and I can't imagine she would be doing the gang show if she didn't like scouts. Also OP has said her DD currently wants to keep on doing scouting.

Yes Scouts was her idea to answer that question. I checked with her multiple times before signing her up as I wasn't sure how she'd get on with it.

The party yes but a 12 year old trick or treating is too old.

Let her go to the party.
In the longer term you need to discuss whether she really wants to continue with Scouts, being as she seems to be missing quite a lot of it.

I have a few teen dds and they all but one gave up the county hockey, riding, eventing etc switching to the gym and running a few times a week. Only one dd continued her sport into teen years and now adulthood even she gets regularly left out of social occasions because she can’t do both.

I am not sure what you are trying to achieve here op. Girls bond at this age with experiences, memories and joint adventures. This will take place with or without your dd, and she will be sidelined in time. My dc enjoyed Halloween at 12 more than at any other time, I can’t believe you are considering not allowing it!

I'm a private tutor.
I've known for a few weeks that a little girl won't be with me next week because she's at a Halloween party.
I hope she has a lot of fun. She's a child. Plenty of time for commitments when she's older.

Part of the issue these days is that kids have activities virtually every night. Sometimes more than one activity.

I get the sneaking feeling that the commitments she has are forced by you as her parent rather than because she wants to do it. At age 12, I think it’s reasonable to allow them to make decisions like this. How upset and angry I would have been if my parent said I cannot go to a party or other social event because I have to go to scouts! I’d consider if scouts is something your 12 year old wants to continue doing- and ask her honestly… without bias or bribe!