To not let DD go to a Halloween party and instead go to the activities she's committed to?

[AllyJayTee]

Okay, first world problems I admit, but interested in other's takes on this.

DD (12) wants to go to her friend's Halloween party on Friday night. Friday night is Scouts night for DD and she's missed a few already this term for various reasons (a couple were illness). She's also missing a couple of Scouts sessions in a row in November as she's doing the local Gang Show. It's getting a bit awkward as I feel she's hardly been there.

Separately, she wants to go out on Halloween night itself with her friends (trick or treating or whatever we call it now!) and will need to miss netball coaching for that. She says everyone else is missing netball that night too for Halloween. 🙄

I'm not a big fan of the kids missing activities that they've committed to. It's not about the money but more the commitment aspect, and lessons in turning up to things you've said you'll do. Also it's unfair on the organisers and leaders I think who, for both these activities, are unpaid volunteers. Fair enough if the kids are unwell or it's a genuine one off. But birthday parties and Halloween parties? Not so sure they are more important.

I don't want to spoil her fun but I'd rather she went to her commited activities. Maybe I'm being dull though and most probably am overthinking it.

Am I being unreasonable to make her miss the Halloween party?

I'm a cub leader, and we are very aware that attendance will be low on Halloween, when the fair is in town etc.

I do think that kids should commit to activities that are run by volunteers, but regular attendance is fine, missing the odd week due to a party is natural for kids.

It's the kids that miss several weeks a term that we might be asking if they still want to continue, as there is a waiting list, but a one-off? That's fine. It's good manners to let the volunteers know in advance though, so that money is not spent on items needed to run the meeting.

honestly i'd pull her out of scouts now at 12. She's nearly a teenager and totally not something any teen i know would want to do

Plenty of teens do scouts. While it's not exactly cool, is it well attended for most scout groups, ours has a waiting list at every age group, including teens.
Given that the OP's DD is missing scouts to do a scout gang show, it does sound that on the whole, she is still enjoying scouts and committed to it.

OP I'm with the majority here, let her enjoy the party. Forcing her to go to an activity is only going to put her off it anyway. She won't have many Halloween parties left if she is 12 so make the most of it.

She’s a kid. A kid shouldn’t have any commitments. Let her make memories with her friend. No kids should be signed up to anything where they HAVE to go every week. Let her enjoy herself!!!

@Mumto2kids86 groups like scouts wouldn’t be able to run if it was just a drop in session, they need regular income especially if owning/renting scout hut and running activities

She’s a bit young to have that kind of foresight though.

‘I can’t commit to this as I have x,y & z coming up’ Surely that’s up to you to explain to her or to say to her if you do x you can’t miss scouts for y. Give her a choice, but also, maybe scouts doesn’t work for her any more and she’s becoming her own person?

Glad you’ve decided to let her go to the party, and I hope she’s allowed to go trick or treating with her mates too.

As long as you let scouts and netball know now, as you’ve already said you will, then job’s a good un.

She won’t want to do Halloween for much longer as it’ll be lame so I’m glad you’re letting her enjoy this stage of her life.

My DD has just asked me for the eleventy millionth time if she and her mate can make slime AGAIN. I always say yes because I know this phase will slip through my fingers before I know it. Same for your DD and Halloween.

Netball plus Scouts? As well as high school? Maybe she is over 'committed'. I think you are being selfish. At that age she should be able to choose what and when she wants to go, and she shouldn't be forced to 'commit' to anything. I know some parents try to live through their kids (not saying you are) but she should not be forced to commit to anything at all, and she should be able to choose what she wants to do. Please don't enforce your wants and ideals through her. Leave her alone. Let her do whatever she wants to do.

My 11yo is missing Stagecoach on Halloween. She loves it, goes every week but the family party we have every Halloween is just as important and she loves that too.

Let her have some fun. Otherwise life becomes a real drag. Friends and Halloween and fun - it’s all very important stuff. And she’ll be too big fairly soon for it

I’m of the opinion that you only get one childhood, and shouldn’t miss special things like Halloween, school Discos, Birthday parties for clubs. Let her have a bit of fun, she’ll be too old for things like that in a few years.

Social life is more important than Scouts. If she’s 12 then massive amounts of homework are going to kick in soon and more of a social life. Unless planning a sporting career one after school or club is the max really

I'm assuming those who are saying 2 clubs are too many, have never heard of DofE, where you are encouraged to do sport, volunteering and a skill. Many young people manage that, doing school work and having a social life.

12 year olds can't do DofE, they are two young. Hence the point!

I used to love trick or treating as a kid and still remember it with fondness despite being old (42). Let her do the Halloween stuff. No doubt lots of people will miss scouts on that night anyway.

Gang Show is part of scouting so shouldn't count towards missing section nights.

She's 12 let her go to the party if you push to hard at this age you will put her off scouts.

PS I'm a Scout Leader

I am glad you are letting her go.

I am always surprised when parents are so rigid about some aspects of parenting. Treating each decision as an irreversible contract. Discussing issues at school and saying that that would not be allowed in the world of work. Saying that every threat has to be carried though as otherwise your kids will never trust you again, and will
go off the rails immediately.

We were pretty flexible about all this stuff during their childhood and I have no regrets at all. 12 is so young and the fun times should be prioritised.

Glad u decided to let her go - good decision!

Sounds like you have a great girl already committed to a number of activities. Sometimes u need to have permission to take time off, esp for a special social occasion. You don't want her to end up feeling guilty or that she should feel bad about taking a break (not that she does but I know from my own experience that it can happen)

You are being so unreasonable! Let the kid have fun with her friends.

Honestly, the club leaders will expect this. On bonfire night, one of the clubs I volunteer at pushes the start back by 45 minutes because the know all the kids want to go to the firework display.

@AllyJayTee so you have never ever missed an activity for a social occasion?

OP I'm glad you've asked the question as I've been wondering too. As a Rainbows leader I've experienced both camps: parents who say you've chosen Rainbows so you attend, and those that choose one off occasions instead.

Personally I've never understood the commitment by parents in the first camp (partly my personality trait) but now I'm in the same position as you I've genuinely not know the "right" thing to do. I agree, it's not about the money, but the commitment and lesson within it.

So I can't give any advice, but can provide solidarity and to be amazed at the unnecessary tone of so many of these responses.

Don’t even think unreasonable is the right word.
it’s mean.

@babetyouknow another poster said that homework was going to ramp up soon, so how do they think 14yo cope with extra homework and do DofE

I'd rather pull out my toe nails with pliers than go to Scouts so I'm with ur daughter let her go to the party, I do however think at 12 (secondary school) she is too old for trick or treating.

If she wants to miss just a regular club meeting fair enough, but if it is something like the gang show rehearsals, then it would be unfair on the other performers for her to miss anything like that. The show must go on.