To not let DD go to a Halloween party and instead go to the activities she's committed to?

[AllyJayTee]

Okay, first world problems I admit, but interested in other's takes on this.

DD (12) wants to go to her friend's Halloween party on Friday night. Friday night is Scouts night for DD and she's missed a few already this term for various reasons (a couple were illness). She's also missing a couple of Scouts sessions in a row in November as she's doing the local Gang Show. It's getting a bit awkward as I feel she's hardly been there.

Separately, she wants to go out on Halloween night itself with her friends (trick or treating or whatever we call it now!) and will need to miss netball coaching for that. She says everyone else is missing netball that night too for Halloween. 🙄

I'm not a big fan of the kids missing activities that they've committed to. It's not about the money but more the commitment aspect, and lessons in turning up to things you've said you'll do. Also it's unfair on the organisers and leaders I think who, for both these activities, are unpaid volunteers. Fair enough if the kids are unwell or it's a genuine one off. But birthday parties and Halloween parties? Not so sure they are more important.

I don't want to spoil her fun but I'd rather she went to her commited activities. Maybe I'm being dull though and most probably am overthinking it.

Am I being unreasonable to make her miss the Halloween party?

Would you miss a special long awaited girls night out for a pre booked exercise class? I wouldn’t.

Signing a child up for something that forces them to miss out on fun is ridiculous.

@Mumto2kids86 do you not think the DD has fun at netball and scouts? DS much preferred scouts to going trick and treating.

My parents were super strict, I only asked to go to a party once and was told no, I didn’t ask again, but I didn’t miss another party. If I’d have gone missing my parents wouldn’t have known where to start looking. I can’t say this enough, strict parents make sneaky teens …

Im just going to give my honest opinion. I’m not trying to offend you I’m just being honest. “Actually I think it is my decision (and DH's) - she's 12 not 18! 😂”

She’s old enough to make her own decisions, albeit with guidance but she should be encouraged to make these decisions. You sound a little controlling and not understanding of a 12 years old growing need for independence and social interactions. If you don’t loosen up a little she’ll grow to resent your control.

Sounds like she's not that in to scouts tbh

I'm a coach, from my perspective we expect low numbers for Halloween and so on. We often do a poll to see what numbers are attending and if it is low we cancel the session! Unless we have a particularly important game then we might ask for attendance. I personally as a coach would not be annoyed or question their commitment! They are 12 and it's Halloween. Let them be kids!!

crumblingschools · Yesterday 12:46

@MrsSkylerWhite why do you keep asking whether scouts was OP's ask or DD's”

Because it would make a difference to how I replied.
We suggested some activities to our children, lots of parents do. If they then did not enjoy them it would have been unfair to expect them to commit.
Not the case here, as OP has confirmed.
I would still cut some slack for a party, though.

My kids are going to their activities because theyre the ones that insisted on being signed up!!

To be fair the dance class is doing a Halloween thing.

I've said we will have a Halloween dinner instead at home and pointed out last Halloween most houses had run out of sweets by 6pm! (And I work so they're in after school club til 5.30pm!).

How is she missing scouts when shes doing the Gang Show ? She has fun at Scouts too but let her choose what she does on this occasion.

She is. If you're old enough to go out without an adult, you're too old to trick or treat.

It is difficult to strike a balance but I think if she valued these commitments, she would be happy to skip a party. Clearly, scouts and netball are not her priorities and maybe it is worth actually talking to her about whether she wants to keep attending it at all. If you force her to miss birthdays and parties due to activities, she will likely to drop them anyway.

Actually I think it is my decision (and DH's) - she's 12 not 18! 😂

She's not 18 but she's also not 6. She's on the cusp of being a teenager and naturally wants more independence in choosing how she spends her leisure time.

I think you've made the right decision here though. As in, not trying to stop her going to the party.

My DD is 12 and goes to a club but sometunes wants to go somewhere else - tricky age because really they should be starting to have a say in what they do. If l never let her miss this club, l think she would possibly want to blow it out altogether even though she loves it. Her socual life is important too

I’d met the volunteers know in advance, then if they’ve got a lot of kids not showing up they can cancel for the week rather than turn up and not have any kids.

YABU. She is inevitably going to want to spend more time with her friends, these clubs are going to eventually get in the way of that. YABU

I gave up clubs like that around 12 because I wanted to hang out with friends/ friends were quitting too. I think if you're too strict about it you'll be on a fast track to her giving them up sooner rather than later. I think they are valuable hobbies so encourage her to go but don't put her right off them by being too strict about it!

I personally think it would be a tad unfair to not let her go to the party and trick or treating with her friends as they will all be talking about it afterwards and your DD won’t be able to get involved and will miss out on the fun. She’s only young once and may start resenting you if you don’t allow her attend events all her other friends are doing.

Special occasions - her birthday, friend’s birthdays, Halloween etc, is fine to miss activities. She’s at the age where she would prefer to be doing things with her friends.

A few people on here speak of scouts as something children are pushed into by parents ,they go unwillingly and are desperate to leave at 12. This is so, so untrue. It's not for everyone but others absolutely love every minute and remain to become explorer scouts. Waiting lists around here are very long.

My son will miss his club as it clashes with Halloween. He will have fun and make great memories. He is still committed to his club.

It sounds that she didn't commit to Scouts. Instead, that you committed her into?

Indeed. Mine dropped Scouts at 14 because the local Explorer unit clashed with another activity but they would happily have carried on otherwise and have lots of friends, both boys and girls, who carried on until they went to University or beyond. It's not that unusual for teens to be happily and voluntarily involved in Scouting!
The number of posters saying "they'd rather be with their friends than doing extracurricular activities at that age" is a bit strange too, as if young people don't have friends in their clubs or sports teams. Yes, they might want to spend time with different friends and do different things on some occasions and there's nothing wrong with that, but the way some people are talking you'd think the only secondary school kids who attend organised activities are there under duress. Speaking both as a parent and a volunteer that isn't my experience. In fact I would say that the social aspect is one of the most important things about out of school clubs - lots of the youngsters who come to the sports club I run do so because their friends are there.

Our activities have been cancelled for Halloween night as coaches understand that kids want to go trick or treating. So it's on the netball coach if hardly anybody turns up.
I'd let her go to the party on Friday too.

Last Halloween we did trick or treating on the walk to the Scout hut. Just one other child had shown up so the session was cancelled and we went trick or treating some more. 🎃