To not let DD go to a Halloween party and instead go to the activities she's committed to?

[AllyJayTee]

Okay, first world problems I admit, but interested in other's takes on this.

DD (12) wants to go to her friend's Halloween party on Friday night. Friday night is Scouts night for DD and she's missed a few already this term for various reasons (a couple were illness). She's also missing a couple of Scouts sessions in a row in November as she's doing the local Gang Show. It's getting a bit awkward as I feel she's hardly been there.

Separately, she wants to go out on Halloween night itself with her friends (trick or treating or whatever we call it now!) and will need to miss netball coaching for that. She says everyone else is missing netball that night too for Halloween. 🙄

I'm not a big fan of the kids missing activities that they've committed to. It's not about the money but more the commitment aspect, and lessons in turning up to things you've said you'll do. Also it's unfair on the organisers and leaders I think who, for both these activities, are unpaid volunteers. Fair enough if the kids are unwell or it's a genuine one off. But birthday parties and Halloween parties? Not so sure they are more important.

I don't want to spoil her fun but I'd rather she went to her commited activities. Maybe I'm being dull though and most probably am overthinking it.

Am I being unreasonable to make her miss the Halloween party?

YABVU.

I am a scout leader and would absolutely sack off a night at scouts for a Halloween party given the choice between the two!

YABU as Halloween is an important annual event for DC with their friends which will probably continue into teens.

I think you have a point about commitment, I used to feel my children gave up too easily . That was a little bit ME being disappointed! I had had to give up ballet ( which I adored)as a kid and it hurt me that the girls gave up in their early teens. Theyre now adult and we all have an interest in ballet as does my grandaughter ( who also gave up!) So it wasnt wasted at all!
Better to let her go to the more fun things at that age. If she has a real interest in one of the activities she will keep going, no matter what.
I agree, it can be tough, but slowly we have to let go of some of that loving control. Too much strictness can cause greater rebellion further down the line.

I think it’s unfair to have her miss her party for scouts - and I’m a scout leader. I’d hate for a child to be sat in my group feeling sad of sulking because they’ve been dragged there instead of allowed to go to the party their friends are all at.

My eldest (13) has gang show on Halloween but is going out trick or treating with her friends beforehand, and then going to gang show in her Halloween outfit. Can’t your daughter to both netball and trick or treating?

You can’t count the illness as that is not her fault and the Gang Show is still scouting so you can’t really count that either.
I would let her go as at that age it is all about friendship.

I have given my DS (8) the choice between cubs or trick-or-treating with his younger siblings as they clash this year. I'm happy for him to choose for something that's only once a year. He does go pretty much every other week though.

But isn’t Halloween on the 31st?? I personally think it’s unreasonable for everyone to go trick or treating fri, sat, sun, Mon and tues! I’ll be sick of the doorbell by Saturday and have run out of snacks and be turning the lights off! Let her go t or t on actual Halloween!!

Let her miss them both and do the Halloween things. Those are memorable things she’ll always look back on, and it’s only once a year.

I bet attendance will be v low for netball. Wouldn’t be surprised if it were cancelled anyway.

Absolutely agree with the majority here, in that Halloween is once a year, it's a HUGELY fun, creative & social event and your daughter will only be 12 once.

Scouts and other clubs and activities, whilst important for the aforementioned reasons can be missed with little to no detriment.

And you have mentioned that she has only missed a few weeks due to genuine reasons. She can't control being unwell. Would you have questioned allowing her to go had she not missed a few sessions? Probably not.

Also, I think it's important to ask yourself if there's an element of 'we're paying for scouts, etc so she SHOULD go". I only say this as my children go to art, karate, Scouts, and Brownies. So if one of these sessions is missed, say, Art, it's £15 a time! I try never to use that as a guilt trip or reason to go although I am guilty of vocalizing how much these sessions cost!

Yes, kids need to know that these sessions can't be missed willy-nilly & need a sense of responsibility/accountability, etc so I quite like the idea of letting her go to the Halloween party but agreeing to commit to going to scouts, etc for the rest of the month. Perhaps ask your daughter what she suggests and work together to compromise and come to an agreement.

Again, I agree that as she gets older & becomes more independent she needs to start flexing her own needs and wants and being allowed a scalable amount of autonomy and flexibility.

Remember how much you enjoyed Halloween, and also how long that lasted ... just a few years.

Life is short. Memories are the best gift to give.

Wow, do kids go on other days other than 31st now? I wont enterain that either! It should be the 31st or they can buggar off! Lol

Im a scout leader and a football coach. I would have no problem with one of the kids missing a meeting or training. I'm fact I'd expect them to choose to go to a party. As long as I know in advance, no problem.

I was in a weekly drama club (that I hated) and my mum wouldn't let me miss it for my school's Halloween party. I'm still sore about it 23 years later

Wow, do kids go on other days other than 31st now? I wont enterain that either! It should be the 31st or they can buggar off! Lol
I think in part this year it is due to Halloween not being in half term for a lot of the country. There's already tendency for these kinds of things to spread out over more days eg events being held on the nearest Friday or Saturday rather than the day itself but this year with 31st being a school night in many places I would think a lot of parents will be less keen on letting their kids out then. I agree it's a bit annoying though. Bonfire night is the same. When I was a child it was really only 5th Nov that you'd hear fireworks but now it seems to go on from the weekend before Halloween to the weekend after 5th November.

We'll probably let her go to the party but explain the importance of missing activities too.😀

To what end? Just so she isn’t in danger of enjoying herself too much against your wishes, even though you’re letting her go? Why not be excited for her about the party and skip the lecture?

Is she gonna remember a random netball practise or a fun night out trick or treating with her friends. Sounds like these are activities you want her to do and not something she's interested in.

My 15y daughter has been going to Dance class since she was 2, she’s committed to dance but she also should be having fun which is why she’s never missed a birthday party, Halloween etc due to her hobby.

They are only children for a very short time, let her embrace everything there is left to embrace about childhood and ask yourself, in 10 years time will she remember that night at scouts or netball practice? No she won’t. But there is a real chance that she’ll remember having fun with her friends.

Are you judging this situation as an adult or what you would have loved to have done at your daughters age?

As adults we over think situations and what is the 'right' thing but sometimes forget that children should be allowed to have fun, be with their mates and not have to be committed to all the clubs we sign them up for.

Let her go. She will revisit the clubs and it'll have no detriment to her or her future. You not allowing her to enjoy Halloween will. She will remember that mum said no on this occasion.

As an ex scout leader, I would let her go to the party, and any party that happens to clash with her scouts evening she wants to go to.
Her friends and social life are important especially at that age.

Scouts can either be a short commitment or a life long commitment. Missing some isn't like missing school.

She will stop wanting to do things like scouts if she is missing out on other things, she's at that age!

I, as a scout leader, didn't go to scouts on Halloween one year so my kids could go trick or treating as I did meet and greet at my door.

You sound no fun. Yes YABU.

My daughter has football training on Tuesday and her coaches have cancelled it knowing many would likely decline. Not many years left of being a child so she wouldn't have went anyway as had made plans with friends. I don't deem it as her not being committed to her football which she is very much so.