To not let DD go to a Halloween party and instead go to the activities she's committed to?

[AllyJayTee]

Okay, first world problems I admit, but interested in other's takes on this.

DD (12) wants to go to her friend's Halloween party on Friday night. Friday night is Scouts night for DD and she's missed a few already this term for various reasons (a couple were illness). She's also missing a couple of Scouts sessions in a row in November as she's doing the local Gang Show. It's getting a bit awkward as I feel she's hardly been there.

Separately, she wants to go out on Halloween night itself with her friends (trick or treating or whatever we call it now!) and will need to miss netball coaching for that. She says everyone else is missing netball that night too for Halloween. 🙄

I'm not a big fan of the kids missing activities that they've committed to. It's not about the money but more the commitment aspect, and lessons in turning up to things you've said you'll do. Also it's unfair on the organisers and leaders I think who, for both these activities, are unpaid volunteers. Fair enough if the kids are unwell or it's a genuine one off. But birthday parties and Halloween parties? Not so sure they are more important.

I don't want to spoil her fun but I'd rather she went to her commited activities. Maybe I'm being dull though and most probably am overthinking it.

Am I being unreasonable to make her miss the Halloween party?

Yes YABU - and you haven't noticed your daughter isn't the little girl she was anymore. Her friends activities are more important to her now.

@JFDIYOLO if she isn’t a little girl anymore maybe she shouldn’t be going trick and treating

Let her go. Or she will resent you.

Birthday parties, Halloween Parties, Christmas Parties, extra show rehearsals, ARE "genuine one-offs". Your attitude is likely to lead you to having a daughter committed to NO regular activities, because she'd rather be a little bored most nights, than dreadfully upset a few nights of the year because she is forced to miss a rare one-off with her friends. Unless she is missing a really important night in her regular activity (e.g. a Karate Grading, a competition that she has decided to enter, a show night etc) it's fine for her to miss occasionally.

Just genuinely interested in what others would do which is why I asked, but I don't think it's an unreasonable question or that I'm mean for giving it some thought. I'm not saying my kids are never allowed to have fun, of course they are, but like a lot of children nowadays they are definitely not short of a birthday party or social occasion!
However I take everyone's points and am grateful for you giving me some balance which was probably what was needed.

Not an unreasonable question at all, nor to give it thought. Sounds like you’re a conscientious mum. AIBU requires a very thick skin, people can be really rude robust on this board.

I posted the other day on a different board about a different question and fuck me if I didn’t get a load of arsey messages for asking a question about how to approach a parenting thing, as you have.

Glad you got the answers you wanted but let the rest slide off.

Your daughter decides... end of. Otherwise she'll grow up not trusting her own choices and will be easily influenced by others.

Let her go and socialise. She’ll only end up resenting you and scouts/netball.

Unenforced, freedom with friends is far more important than other things. Also make sure she still really wants to do these things and isn’t doing them because you want her to.

D of E is something you do for your CV and it’s time limited and school led.

You are sucking the joy out of her life, and she sounds over committed. She needs some freedom to have fun at this age.

For the next 5-7 years friendships will be her primary focus, and if you continue to enforce clubs and sports she will start to miss out on developing a social life of her own, and become very resentful and rebellious.

Your dd may run into issues with maintaining friendships in school. You are basically making life very difficult for her already. It’s hard enough being a pre teen/teen.

Keeping one or two of her favourite activities is more than enough, allowing her time to relax, have fun and choose how she spends her time. At the moment it sounds you are micro managing and very intense.

I'm f this happened to me from the age of 12, I would have got fed up with missing out and quit clubs if it came to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely let her go, going to parties is huge socially and part of development. You are committed on her behalf maybe it's time to stop the activity?

I still remember a party my mum wouldn't let me go too

It seems like this is more of a one off than originally implied - in which case it's fine.

My youngest is a bit older than yours, but she never gets asked to social things and she gets so upset by it. She'd love a couple of invites. She is conscientious and never misses her commitments which I don't think helps.
Your DD is coming to the age where friends and social events will take priority. don't stymie that.

Yes you’re being unreasonable, she’s 12 and wants to celebrate Halloween with her pals.

Whilst I agree with you, commitments are important, with a teenager I’d rather get in some cookie points…
Won’t be too long before she won’t tell you where she’s going if that bond is broken.

Plenty of teens still enjoy scouts and often volunteer themselves. I spent a week volunteering last year at an event for 4,500 teenage scouts, they had an absolute blast.
But there's no harm in skipping a meeting as long as you let the volunteers know. Ours has a FB page for this. I'm surprised it is running on Halloween tbh.

I think you’re unreasonable scheduling all her time like that. Maybe she could drop the things she’s not interested in?

She’s 12…let her go to the parties. If she’s denied going, you’ll end up turning her against the sporting commitments altogether. The activities (and you) will be seen as what is making her miss out on fun times, which will lead to resentment.

We also have an extra curricular activity on Halloween, my dc will be expected to attend this and miss out on Halloween. If she was keen, I'd allow her to host a Halloween part the weekend before. She is 13 and therefore getting a bit old for TorT.

You probably aren’t but you seem a bit overbearing. She’s a tween. She’s going to want to go to a party with her friends over Scouts. And that’s her decision and it’s ok.

You really need to ask??? Let her go to the party for the love of God. Its not a big deal

It's extremely hard to keep girls interested in sports and extra curricular activities as they enter their teens. I would try and keep these activities fun and not be seen to her as a blocker to her social life. As teens get older Friday night is not a good night for activities as there will be parties, sleepovers, discos, etc. I would try and find a way to shift her activities out of Friday. Secondly she can't be penalised for being sick and it's not her fault she's in the other show. She over committed on a single night. That's too much for a 12 year old.