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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD go to a Halloween party and instead go to the activities she's committed to?

195 replies

AllyJayTee · 23/10/2023 09:32

Okay, first world problems I admit, but interested in other's takes on this.

DD (12) wants to go to her friend's Halloween party on Friday night. Friday night is Scouts night for DD and she's missed a few already this term for various reasons (a couple were illness). She's also missing a couple of Scouts sessions in a row in November as she's doing the local Gang Show. It's getting a bit awkward as I feel she's hardly been there.

Separately, she wants to go out on Halloween night itself with her friends (trick or treating or whatever we call it now!) and will need to miss netball coaching for that. She says everyone else is missing netball that night too for Halloween. 🙄

I'm not a big fan of the kids missing activities that they've committed to. It's not about the money but more the commitment aspect, and lessons in turning up to things you've said you'll do. Also it's unfair on the organisers and leaders I think who, for both these activities, are unpaid volunteers. Fair enough if the kids are unwell or it's a genuine one off. But birthday parties and Halloween parties? Not so sure they are more important.

I don't want to spoil her fun but I'd rather she went to her commited activities. Maybe I'm being dull though and most probably am overthinking it.

Am I being unreasonable to make her miss the Halloween party?

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 23/10/2023 10:31

At 12, this will be one of her last opportunities to go trick or treating, where we live 14 would be the absolute upper age limit, and even then only if the child is small- you can't send out adult sized teens to knock on people's doors to demand treats! So in that basis alone I'd let her go.
But could it be arranged around netball practice?
As for the party, that trumps Scouts, I would have thought. It would be polite to let them know she won't be going, and she could be the one who contacts them - they all need practice with making those duty calls! Or is there a compromise? She goes to the party after Scouts?

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 23/10/2023 10:33

No
no one would make you go ahead with things or do things that you agreed to previously and then changed your mind on

LookItsMeAgain · 23/10/2023 10:41

Groups and organisations, focused around kids, that organise their regular weekly event to happen around Hallowe'en, I think are mad. Kids will not show up if the thing is actually on the night of Hallowe'en because they will be at parties or trick or treating with their friends. It's something that is known about for the rest of the year that it's one night.

Why can't they reschedule their night so that kids can be kids?

I think they could give the kids a break around this time of the year and then pick up after Bonfire night with normal service resuming after that.

Just my take on it.

Willitstopraining · 23/10/2023 10:53

Are you sure Netball is even on of it falls on Halloween? My kids activities have always been cancelled for Halloween, so they can have fun with family and friends. I’m in Ireland though and Halloween is huge here and overrides everything bar Christmas, but even then it’s close.

Whataretheodds · 23/10/2023 11:52

I agree parties and social events are important as is showing commitment.

I assume you have already been coaching her to let the volunteers/organisers know in advance if she's going to missing either session.
Also, is there a max number of sessions that can be missed before the place is given to someone else? Worth making sure you both know what that is so she can make an informed decision about trade-offs.

KingsHeath53 · 23/10/2023 11:54

Halloween has become a massive thig these days, more so than when we were kids OP. I'd say for my kids it's becoming more important, certainly socially, than Christmas.

SirenSays · 23/10/2023 11:56

My mother would have insisted o go and I'd have been one of the only kids there having a miserable time.

Redmat · 23/10/2023 12:07

You need to let her scouters know.
Halloween fell on one of my evenings a few years back. We expected a lower attendence but only about 3 turned up and only a couple of parents had informed me . As usual I had planned a fun evening bought materials etc and I was annoyed. I would have cancelled if I had known and spent the evening in my own own home.Not in a cold scout hut.
To be fair parents were extremely contrite when I pointed this out. I had many messages of apology.

AhBiscuits · 23/10/2023 12:10

My two are skipping swimming to go trick or treating. It's once a year and they'd be really sad to miss it.

Nevermind31 · 23/10/2023 12:11

Your attitude will lead to her not wanting to commit to activities as it will mean missing out on all the “fun” stuff.

babetyouknow · 23/10/2023 12:12

I'm not a big fan of the kids missing activities that they've committed to. It's not about the money but more the commitment aspect, and lessons in turning up to things you've said you'll do

I don't get this. I skip my activities when something more fun is on offer. I'm not going to yoga if I'm invited to a dinner instead! And I'm a fully functioning adult who understands commitment.

Are you seriously going to make her go to fecking netball while all of her friends are at a Hallloween party? Like, actually? Do you want to be THAT parent?

Redmat · 23/10/2023 12:18

Paid activities fine to miss. They still get their money.
Activities run by volunteers . You make sure you apologise.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/10/2023 12:19

Let her go to the party.

Was Scouts her ask or yours?

CallieQ · 23/10/2023 12:22

YABU

Parties are way more fun than scouts

DeceitfulMummy · 23/10/2023 12:30

I would allow the party as a one off but not the trick or treating (because I'm a killjoy and don't agree with it so she wouldn't be going even if it didn't clash!).

In our case, DD does a lot of activities and I think it's important that she still feels socially in the group as she can't join with her friends when they meet after school.

SparkyBlue · 23/10/2023 12:42

I'd be very surprised if the netball still goes ahead on Halloween. I'd definitely let her off to go trick or treating with her friends. I think I'd let her off on Friday night as well but I do understand and sometimes we just have terms like that where lots off things are going on. My DD has an activity on Friday evening and on Saturday afternoon that are still happening despite it being a bank holiday weekend here and she will definitely miss the Saturday one as we have family plans.

jolaylasofia · 23/10/2023 12:52

honestly i'd pull her out of scouts now at 12. She's nearly a teenager and totally not something any teen i know would want to do. let her do halloween for heavens sake it's only once a year and it's really not your decision

rookiemere · 23/10/2023 12:52

Let her go trick or treating, at 12 it may be the last year she does it. It's netball practice- but the caveat is if she gets pulled up about it it's her problem not yours.
Also let her go to the party. Presumably you have paid her annual subscription and she is in gang show which doesn't count as missing sessions.

MrsAvocet · 23/10/2023 13:07

I think there's a happy medium. I agree that commitment is important, especially if teams are affected or the activity is over subscribed/competitive to get into. But at the same time, 12 is still pretty young and hobbies should be fun. Over the years I have seen a lot of youngsters drop out of sports and other activities because their parents and/or coaches have demanded 100% commitment and it has become a chore, not an enjoyable activity. I'd probably allow the Halloween activities, given the illness can't be helped and the Gang Show rehearsals are still Scouting, but if this becomes a recurrent issue then you probably do need to discuss whether she really wants to continue.
What I would say is that if your DD is not going to go to her regular activities, please tell the leaders in advance. Remember that they may well be prioritising their volunteering over their own half term or Halloween activities and they might be able to avoid payment for the venue and save the organisation some money if lots are away and they have enough notice to cancel. I run a kids sports club and I don't expect every child to attend every week but I do expect them or their parents to tell me if they know in advance that aren't going to be there. (I know the OP hasn't said she's not going to tell them but I'm just imagining the netball coach sitting in an empty court when s/he could have been out at something else themselves, because I've been in that kind of situation myself and it's very frustrating!)

Bluetrue · 23/10/2023 13:09

I would 100% let her go to the party and have fun.

WeWereInParis · 23/10/2023 13:11

I'd let her miss the scouts for a birthday party. But not the netball for trick or treating - but tbf I am a massive Halloween grinch!

ThornInMySide84 · 23/10/2023 13:12

This actually makes me really sad. The days of Halloween parties are so few, don’t take away from something so fleeting. Let her enjoy being a child while she can!

waterrat · 23/10/2023 13:14

Aw..halloween is a big deal in childhood.

The years go by fast enough let her do the trick or treat and the party

Original poster
AllyJayTee · 23/10/2023 13:19

Actually I think it is my decision (and DH's) - she's 12 not 18! 😂

The local Scouts she goes to are great, and she's commited to doing the Gang Show, so she does need to be an "active member" of the Scouts to participate in the Gang Show. However she may well want to give up at some point in the future which will be fine if she does. Currently she wants to keep going to Scouts but the party is clashing.

However it's not really about Scouts, it's about missing an activity for a party. Consensus on this thread seems to be that the right decision should be to let her go to the party, so we'll let her go 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
AllyJayTee · 23/10/2023 13:22

We will also definitely tell the organisers that she isn't coming in advance - we always do that
😀

OP posts: