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Original poster

Who are the breastfeeding mafia?!?!?

297 replies

PlumPudd · 23/10/2023 09:07

I often see threads on Mumsnet where people talk about feeling pressured to breastfeed by the breastfeeding mafia or shamed for not breastfeeding. And I’m curious…

Who are these breastfeeding mafiosos?? If you felt pressured to breastfeed, can you explain where this tangible pressure actually came from? Especially when, if you do chose to formula feed, you’ll be doing what the vast majority of UK women do, so you won’t be in the minority and will be surrounded by other women doing the same. Is it just that being told “breast is best” is upsetting if that’s not what you’re choosing?

Why (if the breastfeeding mafia are so powerful) are they also so unsuccessful with breastfeeding rates in the UK among the lowest in the developing world? My experience with the so called mafia (aka midwives, doctors, council funded breastfeeding support teams) is that they were either not there, too busy to help or repeatedly told me to formula feed if I so much as asked for help with a latch.

I 100% believe it’s women’s choice how they feed their babies, but that that choice needs to be informed by accurate information provided by scientists and healthcare professionals, (aka breast is best but formula is fine) and that women need to be supported in whatever they chose, meaning proper lactation consultants and follow up care for mothers that want to try breastfeeding and guidance on paced bottle feeding and techniques for those who chose formula - and both for those who combi.

OP posts:
renata2485 · 23/10/2023 09:09

Why (if the breastfeeding mafia are so powerful) are they also so unsuccessful with breastfeeding rates in the UK among the lowest in the developing world?

You hit the nail on the head there!

Dandelionchaser · 23/10/2023 09:13

I wonder that too. During my own difficult start to breastfeeding most people around me both friends and professionals made sure to drill into me that I don't HAVE to breastfeed and in most cases encouraging me to stop. I found that very unsupportive when what I really wanted was help and encouragement to continue.

Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 09:14

Is it just that being told “breast is best” is upsetting if that’s not what you’re choosing?

I think you're being purposely dense with this post.

There was a huge amount of snarky, negative comments aimed at those who didn't breastfeed on the large thread only a day or two ago...did you miss that or do you just tune it out?

Some people are really quite judgemental and nasty about the 'choice' of other women. Some women will feel more pressured by this than others.

I imagine being told you aren't trying hard enough, aren't doing what is best for your child etc is what some women find the most offensive.
Even "breast is best" is debatable as it doesn't apply to individual circumstances.

What is the point of this thread?

Ldd89 · 23/10/2023 09:17

I often wonder this too! If anything I had more pressure to stop breast feeding than I did with starting it.

Dandelionchaser · 23/10/2023 09:20

@Coffeerum that's online and anonymous. In the real world I don't know who it is who pressures women to breastfeed. I didn't encounter a single midwife or breastfeeding support worker who didn't tell me first and foremost that it's fine if I want to stop!

DaftyInTheMiddle · 23/10/2023 09:20

When people use that term, they aren’t talking about an underground network of women who are systematically trying to take down big formula. They’re using it a glib nickname to refer to the militant breast feeders who insert themselves into conversations they were not invited to.

I could personally name a few MNetters who fit that description, who will seek out threads started by women who want to get help with FF or topics related to FF and will come in heavy handed with BF talk, often being disparaging and implying posters who FF have done their children a disservice.

I also think the language around BF and FF needs to be more neutral, FF is “fine” to you but it can be a lifesaver for some and that is never just fine imo. Women will never have a fully informed choice when the bias is always skewed.

Ultimately more provision needs to be in place for those struggling, maternity services need improved and lactation experts available on ever maternity ward to help struggling mothers. My own care was abysmal, I couldn’t afford a private consultant or the money for a private tongue tie cut. Ultimately I was left to flounder. The NHS cannot promote Brest is Best and do nothing to substantiate that.

Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 09:23

@Dandelionchaser that's online and anonymous.

And? The internet is probably the first place new mothers go for advice so it seems entirely relevant.

In the real world I don't know who it is who pressures women to breastfeed. I didn't encounter a single midwife or breastfeeding support worker who didn't tell me first and foremost that it's fine if I want to stop!

Well your experience must be universal then!

Aylestone · 23/10/2023 09:24

I’ve found it the other way round. I bf my first 2 and ff my 3rd so I’m not judgemental in any way. I find you have to be very careful on here if you try to promote breastfeeding in the slightest. If you say your ff it’s all ‘fed is best’, and ‘I ff my baby and there’s absolutely no difference between ff and bf’. When of course fed is best, but suggesting the other side of that argument is starving your baby is just stupid. And statistically there’s a huge range of benefits to bf. You’re not allowed to point that out though. I think people who choose to ff have some weird sort of guilt that make them attack anyone that promotes bf

Thewal · 23/10/2023 09:24

I work as a breastfeeding mentor and have never experienced this. When people have used formula, there’s been no judgement. When people have combi fed, there’s been no judgment. Our breastfeeding group also support on bottle feeding for those who want to and I bought formula for another mum who couldn’t at the time.

I am really supportive of breastfeeding but feel frustrated when people on here act like someone like me is against anyone who doesn’t feed - it’s not my business how you feed your child and however you do it must work for your family, it’s your choice.

However, my first midwife told me I should breastfeed and have a natural birth because it’s best (I switched her another one because you can fuck off). And a Hospital paediatrician in A&E once told me that I must keep breastfeeding and shouldn’t touch formula because of the shit that goes in there, he said ‘you’d be shocked if you really knew’. I ignored it and fed my child some formula when I was having issues, although it was only for a week or so, because DC needed feeding. But if he was saying that to other mothers who were in a more vulnerable state then they would have felt wretched.

So I guess they are out there, but I have not really encountered them as much as people on here seem to think. I don’t wander around scorning anyone who formula feeds. I’m here to help you with your choices.

theduchessofspork · 23/10/2023 09:25

Oh god - this is about the 4th breastfeeding post in as many days. They all descend into hurtful mudslinging.

Did you really have to OP?

Original poster
PlumPudd · 23/10/2023 09:26

Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 09:14

Is it just that being told “breast is best” is upsetting if that’s not what you’re choosing?

I think you're being purposely dense with this post.

There was a huge amount of snarky, negative comments aimed at those who didn't breastfeed on the large thread only a day or two ago...did you miss that or do you just tune it out?

Some people are really quite judgemental and nasty about the 'choice' of other women. Some women will feel more pressured by this than others.

I imagine being told you aren't trying hard enough, aren't doing what is best for your child etc is what some women find the most offensive.
Even "breast is best" is debatable as it doesn't apply to individual circumstances.

What is the point of this thread?

The point of this thread is to ask people who say they feel pressured, where that pressure is coming from.

If the answer is “the pressure is coming from judgey women on the internet” then I’d find that surprising, because it doesn’t really follow the figures. Given that most women in the UK don’t breastfeed, they aren’t going to be judging fellow formula feeders. And of those who do breastfeed, surely not all are going around telling formula feeding women they are giving their babies more ear infections. So the percentage of women who are judging must be a very small one to exert so much power

Breast is best is like all medical science based advice ever, it’s accurate at a population level and for most people, but not always right for individual circumstances. If you’re going to say people shouldn’t be told “breast is best” because it might not be best for everyone, you might as well say people also shouldn’t be told that chemo can help with cancer, because there might be some people for whom it’s going to overall cause them more suffering to have it than not.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 23/10/2023 09:27

I haven't seen any threads on mumsnet that pressure women into bf. Must have missed those !

I had the opposite problem. I breast fed ds for about 18 months and one comment I had was 'Christ, do you have to? That's a bit medieval, isn't it?'. That from a 25yo woman.

I was always discreet, covered up etc. I didn't flaunt it and if we were out and about, I would often retreat to my car to feed him, but many people still seem to regard it as embarrassing or 'new-age'.

I don't think it matters what you do, there will always be someone who thinks they are entitled to berate you. So you do you, and ignore others' opinions. I find the same applies to a lot of parenting. 😊

phoenixrosehere · 23/10/2023 09:27

Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 09:14

Is it just that being told “breast is best” is upsetting if that’s not what you’re choosing?

I think you're being purposely dense with this post.

There was a huge amount of snarky, negative comments aimed at those who didn't breastfeed on the large thread only a day or two ago...did you miss that or do you just tune it out?

Some people are really quite judgemental and nasty about the 'choice' of other women. Some women will feel more pressured by this than others.

I imagine being told you aren't trying hard enough, aren't doing what is best for your child etc is what some women find the most offensive.
Even "breast is best" is debatable as it doesn't apply to individual circumstances.

What is the point of this thread?

I think OP means outside of MN and social media.

Many posters often say that what they read on here and what they experience in their actual environments are entirely different things.

Ime, I was asked if I was going to bf or not with each child and that was it. Other than my mum making comments against me nursing, the length of time, and eyerolling when I mentioned WHO recommendations and my mil saying she nursed all three of hers, no one besides health visitors said anything. The health visitors were surprised that I not only nursed but chose to nurse for 2+ years, said “well done” and nothing more.

HeatherMoores · 23/10/2023 09:28

Yes sometimes just stating or discussing the evidence, that breastfeeding is best for babies, being clear that on average a population’s health will improve with more breastfeeding and decline with less, is enough to get you accused of being the bf mafia.

rickandmorts · 23/10/2023 09:29

I'm still annoyed at the midwife on the postnatal ward that gave my baby a bottle of formula as she said she was hungry. It actually really pisses me off because I was exhausted after a 3 day labour and just needed a bit of help latching her. Plus their stomachs are only the size of a marble at that age and need colustrum. Luckily it didn't sabotage our bf journey. She's 10 months now and I keep getting asked when I'll stop 😂 so no mafia round here.

Aylestone · 23/10/2023 09:30

theduchessofspork · 23/10/2023 09:25

Oh god - this is about the 4th breastfeeding post in as many days. They all descend into hurtful mudslinging.

Did you really have to OP?

Why click on a thread that’s very clearly titled about its subject, and then post to complain about the content? I’m quite frankly sick of the amount of threads the last few days (usually multiple from the same person) about posters being with nasty, abusive dickheads who refuse to leave them. You don’t tell them to stop posting because it’s like banging your head against a brick wall

MintJulia · 23/10/2023 09:30

Bad choice of contrast OP. Having been treated for cancer, there is a valid (and not uncommon) conversation about whether chemo will do more harm than good.

ColleenDonaghy · 23/10/2023 09:31

Oh god give it a rest. I breastfed and I'm fed up with these threads, god knows how others feel.

A username change doesn't hide your identity if it's entirely fucking obvious btw.

naemates · 23/10/2023 09:31

Dandelionchaser · 23/10/2023 09:13

I wonder that too. During my own difficult start to breastfeeding most people around me both friends and professionals made sure to drill into me that I don't HAVE to breastfeed and in most cases encouraging me to stop. I found that very unsupportive when what I really wanted was help and encouragement to continue.

This was my experience too

GoodOldEmmaNess · 23/10/2023 09:32

Who are the breastfeeding mafia?

Now, that's a Martin Scorsese movie that I would pay good money to see. Although disappointingly I suspect that, rather than being a movie about powerful women juggling parenthood and organised crime, it would be about a bunch of Italian-American tough guys with a mummy complex . Like all his other movies.

SweeetFemaleAttitude · 23/10/2023 09:33

I breastfeed three.

I’ve found that factual statement, no other comments or background info is enough to make it me! I am the mafia 😄

I’ve literally been asked before if I breastfed, said the above and had women go off into rants about how they couldn’t/ shouldn’t feel pressured/ how people thing they are better. Because I don’t actually care what other people do (I formula fed another and mix fed the other) I’ve stopped even answering the question unless I know the person well.

StrangePaintName · 23/10/2023 09:35

I never developed a viable milk supply at all, despite seeking advice/help from everywhere (La Leche League, NCT peer supporter, GP, midwife, lactation consultant), and was distraught about it.

But I did actually get quite a lot of negativity, hostile questions and snide remarks from total strangers when I was formula feeding in public (north London, so very breast-feeding-centric), and I was still too raw about it all to put those people firmly back in their boxes. I still remember a pair of women who had older babies in Gail’s in Crouch End saying loudly, as I fed DS, ‘You can always tell a formula-fed baby’: ‘Yes, it’s that fat, puffy look’. He can’t have been eight weeks old, I was desperately sad about FF and still pumping all the time in an attempt to establish a supply, while dealing with an infected CS scar.

There were a fair few others, too, but that was the only one that actually made me cry in the loo.

ShowOfHands · 23/10/2023 09:35

There is no BFing mafia.

There are only people and some of them have stupid opinions on all sorts of things. Sometimes they share those opinions. Sometimes, other people agree with them.

You can't divorce infant feeding from heightened emotion and you rarely manage a sensible conversation about it in theoretical terms.

ShowOfHands · 23/10/2023 09:37

StrangePaintName · 23/10/2023 09:35

I never developed a viable milk supply at all, despite seeking advice/help from everywhere (La Leche League, NCT peer supporter, GP, midwife, lactation consultant), and was distraught about it.

But I did actually get quite a lot of negativity, hostile questions and snide remarks from total strangers when I was formula feeding in public (north London, so very breast-feeding-centric), and I was still too raw about it all to put those people firmly back in their boxes. I still remember a pair of women who had older babies in Gail’s in Crouch End saying loudly, as I fed DS, ‘You can always tell a formula-fed baby’: ‘Yes, it’s that fat, puffy look’. He can’t have been eight weeks old, I was desperately sad about FF and still pumping all the time in an attempt to establish a supply, while dealing with an infected CS scar.

There were a fair few others, too, but that was the only one that actually made me cry in the loo.

See, stupid people. Their cousins were, meanwhile, in Norfolk making me cry about BFing. Asking me to hide away, claiming I was only doing it for myself, complaining to cafe owners etc.

Snipples · 23/10/2023 09:39

The 'pressure' comes from other mums and the competitiveness over who is the best parent and mother. You only have to read a few threads to see that women judge others choices constantly to feel better about their own. We (generalising here as everyone does it to some extent) do it all the time - oh I'd never give my DC McDonald's, oh we don't do screentime, no dummies in my house, I'd never feed formula, only dresses in babygrows until they're 2 etc.

This is just my experience but I had the questions from other mums more than any other demographic, followed by the questions to make me justify why I wouldn't even try. As I said on the other thread I gave birth in the UAE and formula was heavily scorned and I had to sign a waiver before I was allowed to use it as it wasn't in my child's best interests. Many women feel they need to excuse their choice to formula feed, they wouldn't do that if there wasn't guilt or pressure associated with it.

Each to their own, I admire those who have breastfed and make it work for them. Just wasn't for me.