Who are the breastfeeding mafia?!?!?

[PlumPudd]

I often see threads on Mumsnet where people talk about feeling pressured to breastfeed by the breastfeeding mafia or shamed for not breastfeeding. And I’m curious…

Who are these breastfeeding mafiosos?? If you felt pressured to breastfeed, can you explain where this tangible pressure actually came from? Especially when, if you do chose to formula feed, you’ll be doing what the vast majority of UK women do, so you won’t be in the minority and will be surrounded by other women doing the same. Is it just that being told “breast is best” is upsetting if that’s not what you’re choosing?

Why (if the breastfeeding mafia are so powerful) are they also so unsuccessful with breastfeeding rates in the UK among the lowest in the developing world? My experience with the so called mafia (aka midwives, doctors, council funded breastfeeding support teams) is that they were either not there, too busy to help or repeatedly told me to formula feed if I so much as asked for help with a latch.

I 100% believe it’s women’s choice how they feed their babies, but that that choice needs to be informed by accurate information provided by scientists and healthcare professionals, (aka breast is best but formula is fine) and that women need to be supported in whatever they chose, meaning proper lactation consultants and follow up care for mothers that want to try breastfeeding and guidance on paced bottle feeding and techniques for those who chose formula - and both for those who combi.

When I worked in boots there was a woman who used to go round all the local chemists and supermarkets checking to make sure that formula wasn’t reduced or on a promotional end. I never seen her buy anything at my store, but would make official complaints to the management if she found anything incorrectly promoted or discounted.

These threads only ever go one way. It's too emotive a topic

For me the pressure was entirely from myself. I wanted to be able to breastfeed but couldn't as it was absolutely agony. I was so disappointed in myself and was really depressed for the first few weeks. I had no comments or anything from midwives which I was grateful for. They were nothing but positive and helpful.

I bf both of mine for way longer than people expect and I’ve experienced shaming for bf and formula being pushed by medics and randoms. I had plenty of milk was happy to feed baby growing despite milk allergy, tubby toddler still growing.
I don’t think you can win in this country on how you feed your baby.

As someone who didn't breastfeed but who felt pressure to do so, here's where it came from:

• Bought a book when pregnant called 'The First Year' by Penelope Leach, which I remember not finishing because it seemed to assume you'd breastfeed
• Was given a shit ton of leaflets by the hospital at appointments, which all focused on breastfeeding with little to no info on formula
• Being asked by people (friends, mother, MIL) when pregnant if I was planning to breastfeed, and having to listen to what a magical time that journey had been for them

I did not breast feed primarily because I didn't want to, but also because having had breast cancer it was going to be even harder for me than it is for a lot of women. I already felt guilty for not wanting to, and in all of the scenarios outlined above, formula was barely mentioned or if mentioned then seen as a bit of a shit option, which didn't make me feel great about my choice.

I'm fine with 'breast is best' but think it should kind of be followed by 'and we are very lucky to live in a day and age and country where formula feeding is possible and a very good close second' rather than 'and if you don't then you're not doing the best for your child'.

Everyone else in my antenatal group breastfed, and I would say a majority of mums I met in classes breastfed too. I remember getting a bottle out for DS at about 4m old and one mum asking me 'oh have you stopped breastfeeding already?' she meant no harm but it was kind of presumptuous wasn't it. Maybe something to do with the demographic where I live, but I was in the minority doing formula from birth.

Ok so I never felt particularly pressured into feeding personally but I have noticed it at times. Eg NCT facilitator spent a lot of time on the wonders of breastfeeding and “see this leaflet” for bottle feeding. Combo feeding or exclusively pumping was also discouraged.

also, at a local children’s group, a few mums were breastfeeding their little ones. The group leader noticed this and congratulated us with “oh wow, 5 breastfeeding mammas today, great work ladies, really good”.

the second example in, particular, astounded me. There were other mums sitting right there who may have been unable to breastfeed/ chosen to bottle feed and it was as if she just looked right through them.

The pressure for me to breast feed came from midwives and nurses in a hospital in the south west 17 years ago.

They had a very strong breast is best policy and we’re very negative about formula feeding. So much so that my DD ended up in NICU for a week being tube fed because she lost so
much weight as she was too sleepy to latch on and they wouldn’t give me a bottle.

I tried everything to breastfeed; medication to increase my milk, pumping, help, everything and it just wasn’t working. The staff knew I was struggling and as a first time Mother who had just gone through an emergency c section for pre eclampsia I didn’t have the strength or confidence to fight for formula.

I vividly remember a lovely nurse whispering to my DH and I that we should just give her a bottle bit she didn’t want us to tell anyone what she had said as she would lose her job!

I'm so sorry you had that comment OP. Knowing that area well, I can easily believe it. I cannot understand why some people are so cruel, and I really do dislike that sort of 'mean girl' attitude.

The pressure new mothers are under is absolutely colossal, and tbh I think a little kindness and understanding goes a long way. Some mothers want to breastfeed but can't, or can't for as long as they would like, some can breastfeed and do and some mothers simply don't want to. I think it's safe to say that, whatever we do, we are all doing our best.

There will be those posters on any BF thread - you know the ones, those who insinuate or sometimes just even outright state that women are shit mothers if the they don't BF.

I formula fed by choice and they don't upset me. I think it's more hurtful for those women who really wanted to BF but couldn't because there's often an underlying feeling of guilt and unhappiness. I really feel for those women.

@ColleenDonaghy I haven’t changed my username, and for the record I combi fed. Mostly breast but a bottle of formula before bed because I wanted more sleep!

This

I'm not sure it exists. If anything I found the opposite was true.

I think some people hide behind the idea of it out of misplaced guilt for formula feeding.

I formula fed my first, it was never in my mind that I wouldn’t, not one person ever challenged my decision, midwife, dr, heath visitor. I’m due to have my second very soon and I’ll be doing the same again, got asked recently how I would feed my baby and again no one tried to change my mind. My friend is a midwife and she said it’s actually a bit of relief if the the mum does want to formula feed as they just don’t have the staff and time to help new mums with breastfeeding on the ward

Same here. I was immediately told to just formula feed her by a BF support worker.

Given that most women in the UK don’t breastfeed

@PlumPudd if your point is good enough, you don't have to lie.

Most women in the U.K. do initially breastfeed. By 3 months this has dropped considerably. But those babies have already gained enormously by those weeks of breastfeeding. You can count yourself in those stats with your one bottle a night, but of course you didn't feel judged because you were still a breastfeeding mum. And all your faux wide eyed "I just don't get it, someone explain" is nonsense. Women who choose formula at the outset are judged for their choices because they are in the minority.

I remember being quite relaxed about BF or FF until my baby was actually born and then it became higely important to me. I started BF but found it very painful and had to supplement with FF for my own mental health. It coincided with the hormone crash on day 4ish and I was just beside myself feeling like a terrible mother who was bailing on my child at the first hurdle.

It was all very irrational.

It's an emotive topic and understandable that people may feel upset if they feel they are being judged. I have no doubt that some people who formula feed have received negative comments from some people who breastfeed/breastfed and I feel sorry for that, it's just such a nasty and pointless thing to do. I do think though that as a result of that, people who formula feed might be particularly alert to such judgement and might sometimes perceive criticism where there is none; simply saying that I was breastfeeding and enjoying it was enough for one friend to get very angry with me (for context, I combi fed the other one so not judgemental about formula in any way). It often felt like I had to keep quiet about how i fed my baby for fear of offending somebody.

I’m due soon and getting it from both sides. People’s obsessions with how I’m going to feed my own child is bizarre! I couldn’t give a crap how they fed or will feed their kids, so why are people in my face about how I’m feeding mine!

My Mum is pro breastfeeding and is constantly tagging me in articles and talking about all the benefits.

My MIL is pro formula feeding and has been berating me about how I’d starve my baby and it’s selfish for me to breastfeed as no one else can help.

Both options are fine and we should be left alone to choose which works best for us as mothers.

Honestly, does this continue when your baby starts school or do people chill out and mind their business if you’re feeding your kid sourdough or tortilla wraps 🙄

The pressure comes from the self, there is no mafia.

Woman who don't breastfeed are always armed with a list of excuses why they don't/didn't breastfeed like anyone actually cares. They're the ones who care- not anyone else.

So from reading other threads (none of which I've commented on as I knew my opinion wouldn't be welcome) I think many on MN would count me in the BF mafia.

My opinion is; if your mentally, physically and medically able to breast feed, the best thing to do is to try to BF as it is what is medically advised as the best choice for baby. Obviously if it doesn't work for you switch to combi or FF. That's what we did.

I would never say anything to another mother or even post on a thread about a specific case (e.g there was an earlier thread this week I steered clear of) as it's not my business what other people do but it is what I think and will do for my children. In the same way I follow all current medical guidance in regards to my children. I don't know why this opinion is so controversial but it clearly is.

I’ve come across several people who were openly very anti formula with me (knowing full well my baby was being formula fed)

The first one was my health visitor who told me I had let my baby down by failing to breastfeed him, that I hadn’t tried hard enough and that I should go back to trying to breastfeed - and she knew that I had had a huge post partum haemorrhage needing several blood transfusions, that I was producing very, very little milk, that I found it hard to get my baby to latch as I was in so much pain from my episiotomy after my forceps delivery that I couldn’t sit in a chair comfortably to attempt to get him to latch (while he screamed at me because we didn’t know at the time but he was also in pain due to torticolis caused by his delivery)

She didn’t try to give me any practical advice or help, just guilt and shame. And her comments, along with the trauma of the birth sent me down a very bad spiral in which I am lucky to have come out from alive.

A few other mums have also made very negative comments to me about formula feeding, saying they felt sorry for my baby, talked about the ‘risks’ of formula, comparing it to junk food and then when I had my 2nd and 3rd babies and chose to protect my mental health by formula feeding them from birth, being absolutely incredulous that I ‘wouldn’t even try?!!!’

I bet telling that story would be enough to get you labelled as part of the breastfeeding mafia; because you wanted to breastfeed and because you not moving onto formula would be deemed a criticism of it!

A lot depends on where you are and the medical professionals around you.

When my youngest was born it was clear to me (having breastfed four children before her) that something wasn’t working and she wasn’t getting anything. When I asked for formula (you weren’t allowed to take your own in at that hospital so you had to ask) there was a troupe of 7 people who came to see me to try and persuade me to keep going. Every one ignoring my saying that it wasn’t working and I could tell and going on about the benefits of breastfeeding, like I was an idiot and unaware of them.

Only when I spoke to a Dr and expressed real concerns about my DD - lethargic, soft spot sunken and no tears when she cried - did someone take me seriously and realised that I was right, it wasn’t working and she was actually dehydrated. She ended up with a feeding tube for two days.

Then I was repeatedly brought a breast pump machine, despite saying I wouldn’t be expressing as it doesn’t work - ended up very sharply saying to one very constant midwife to watch and she stood for 16 mins and watched as literally nothing came out. I then had ‘helpful’ advice about hand pumping from both a member of staff and another mother on the ward who declared she’d be “devasted, heartbroken and feel like a failure” if she couldn’t BF - luckily I already had kids, but imagine the impact that could have had on a first time mum!!

After that I was told to close the curtains when feeding DD by bottle, which because of her difficulties meant I spent 10 days with the curtains closed for the majority of the day. And if I didn’t close them one of the staff would if they saw me feeding her.

I then got asked if I’d like help to restart breastfeeding at every MW, Dr and HV appointment after we went home. It’s not every hospital/every trust, but when a place gets a blind spot about breastfeeding it hammers women at a very vulnerable time.

It's a ridiculous turn of phrase the people adopt to suggest they were victimised by people suggesting it might be the preferable option, given the choice.

I bottle fed one and breast-fed two. There was no difference between the two experiences.

It gets worse! Much worse! But happily by the time they start school you generally feel like you know what you're doing so it's easier to handle.

Re the DM/MIL draw a line in the sand early - when my mum was telling me to put baby down on their front I said 'the thing is mum, if I follow your advice rather than the nhs, and then baby died, that would make it a bit awkward wouldn't it? So I need to make up my own mind.' She backed off after that.

I bf DS and we're currently combi feeding DD. I have felt pressure both ways.

My family are quite anti-breastfeeding. DD has multiple allergies and they constantly imply I'm being difficult or a martyr by having to restrict my diet to continue breastfeeding. They'd also much prefer if I took us off to another room to feed and were much happier once I stopped bf DS at 10 months.

On the flip side, it can feel very strange being at a baby group where every other mother is breastfeeding and making up a formula feed. I have, multiple times, chosen to stick DD on the boob rather than faff around with a bottle and her getting louder and louder. If a mother was exclusively ff-ing in the same environment, I imagine it could easily feel judgemental with a very small comment, even if not badly intended.