To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

[Boymumgettingby]

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

The only answer is to visit less. My sister tries the shushing thing with my GC, she's been told that if she doesn't like the noise, then cut down on visiting.

He's 3. He cannot be expected to sit quietly and listen. Are the girls much older? Surely the grandparents went through it with them in recent years? By "they all" shush him - do you mean everyone, or just the adults? I would think that the older girls probably want to play as well, not sit quietly listening. Sounds like a pretty boring situation for any child, let alone a three year old.

I think there is quite a gap between sitting quietly and listening to adult conversation and running around someone else's house shouting.
If the older children don't want to play with him, you might need to, or take toys/activities that distract him.
I wouldn't allow my DS to run around shouting when we are visiting, tbh I wouldn't allow it at home other than maybe in the garden and even then shouting not necessary. Playing is fine, but that's not what you've described.

There's loud and there's LOUD.

If he's the latter, I can understand the irritation. How do you occupy him when he's there? Is this just a mealtime thing? Can one of you take him away from the table when he's finished and read a book with him or play a simple game or do a focused activity together? Or if the weather's okay take him to run in the garden while others chat?

He is 3, they should be engaging with him tbh but clearly they prefer more sedate activities and are not interested in making some exceptions for him.
They are asking for too much of such a little boy imo and are not being decent grandparents to him.
Don't visit so much or he will pick up on the unfairness.

Obviously he can’t be expected to sit still through adult conversations. That doesn’t make it acceptable to run and shout. Why are you implying it’s an all or nothing thing? Running is for outdoors. Shouting only in an emergency. Can’t he play normally with some toys? Do you take things with you? Football for the garden, lego/duplo to play with, some toy cars, colouring etc.

Normal play noises - fine
Screaming and shouting - not fine.

So what are you and his father doing to distract and entertain him while you are visiting or are you leaving him to run around and shout as if he was at the park?

I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do.

You don't know what to do? You discipline him and model good behaviour. It's your job to teach him how to be a socially acceptable human being, and that starts very, very young. He should not be yelling the place down anywhere, even in your own home, your garden, or the park. No one expects a 3.5 year old to be silent, but allowing him to run around screaming while you sit there and do nothing is just ridiculous and really, really annoying. If people start to not want to be around your child due to his behaviour, that's on you.

Isn't there a middle ground here?

It would be an unusual three-year-old who would sit and join in adult conversation in my experience so I think your PILs are being unrealistic deluded here. However running round the house shouting doesn't need to be the alternative. He is old enough to start to learn that there are places where that's not appropriate, his grandparents' house being one of them.

It's normal for children this age not to be able to sit still for long periods and he's doing well to sit quietly through a meal. Afterwards, why don't you or your husband get him out in the garden or local park for half an hour to burn off some energy, then get the Lego or train set or similar set out and you can play with him quietly in the same room while still being part of the family get-together. Nobody should be getting cross with him but it's really up to you to manage the situation.

When my son was that age, I would take him outside after dinner for a walk or if a playground was nearby.

Also I made sure to pack toys wherever we went that he could play with. Usually crayons and books too.

You can't allow him to behave in ways his grandparents won't tolerate while he's at their house.

There's absolutely no need for him to be running and shouting indoors. If his voice is just a bit loud and he can get too excited, he should be asked to try to speak quieter and reminded that people will still hear him if he does so.

It's fine to expect his relations to engage with him a bit, but not fine to expect them to only engage with him and have no conversations not based around him just because he's also there. He should be able to sit and play quietly by himself while others talk for a time.

He shouldn't be running around shouting and yelling if it's really loud and making others feel uncomfortable. You need to model good behaviour.

Sitting quietly and taking part in adult conversations- unreasonable to expect this of him.

Running around someone's house shouting- also unreasonable and unacceptable.

It sounds like nobody is engaging with him so he's running round. When I take my DCs to my parents house, the GPs are fully engaged with them. They have toys there to play with and the GPs show them things, like the birds in the garden or get them to 'help' in the kitchen. Just basic stuff really. But I also take stuff to engage them, toys, activity books (so we do have a chance at grown up conversations) and games the GPs can join in with.
My inlaws sound like yours. Little bit of children chatter round the dinner table. But then kids should be quite while the grown ups talk. It's hard.
I think it's the difference between a 'child centred or adult centred' family.
Take the toys, try family games. But as soon as they start with the 'shushing' I'd be showing I wasn't happy about it, by standing up and saying its time to go.

Do you have 'inside voices' and 'outside voices'? Perhaps remind him he can use his 'outside voice' in a little while, but for now, 'inside voices' are better. Then redirect him with a puzzle or some other quiet activity.

When my daughter was that age and we visited relatives, I always took a couple of small toys with us, and some paper and crayons. I didn't expect her to join in with adult conversation but at 3.5, I definitely expected her to behave reasonably and to sit and play quietly. If she had ever run round the house and started shouting, I would have taken her outside immediately or if she didn't calm down, I would have taken her home. There is never an excuse for running and shouting in someone's house unless there is a real emergency.

I'm not sure how a three year old is supposed to engage in an adult conversation. I don't know where you are, but in the UK he would be a pre-schooler.

If the in-laws aren't prepared to engage with him, which I'll argue is the purpose of him visiting, then what's the point of him going there?

Too young for such structure

Just get him outside/ take him to the park

Gparents have forgotten what it's like

Our 3 year old dgc comes around a lot . We have a great bond . We chat constantly and have great communication with her . But every now and again she may start running and shouting or more like screaming. So it’s not the attention she’s craving . It’s just fun for her . I definitely will tell her to stop . It’s ear wrenching and it’s not on . Who wants to listen to that ? You need to teach your son etiquette.

Or pick up how he should be behaving.

I think its v unreasonable to expect a 3 year old to sit down and join in adult conversation...
....but why is running around and shouting the only alternative?
Does he have toys to play with? Would anyone else including the other children tolerate a short game of matching pairs or snap, so he has interaction with others? And then have other stuff he can play with independently. Or is there a playground nearby or a park with ducks to feed if he wants to be more active?

Sounds like the grandparents need to meet you at a park where he can run around and be noisy without causing issues.

LOLing at the fact that they expect a 3yo to sit around and engage in adult conversation. He's 3!

If they won't meet you outside because they are the kind of retirees who want everything on their own terms and won't go out or do anything, even for a grandchild, then the solution is to stop taking him for a while.

Is it that they expect him to engage in adult conversation, or he is being over the top loud and running around? Would the behaviour be exhibits be okay inside your house?

There is an inbetween of sitting quietly and running around shrieking. That is outdoor behavior and I don't know why you would allow it. Bring a toy or puzzle and you go interact if necessary. Yabu.

This 100%