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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

305 replies

Boymumgettingby · 23/10/2023 00:30

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

OP posts:
BerriesNutsConkers · 23/10/2023 08:29

It sounds like they have forgotten that 3 year olds can be hard work BUT when parents describe their child as boisterous and loud I cringe and
read it as code for "child who is allowed to run riot" If everyone else is finding your ds too much perhaps you should consider if they might have a point.
Sounds like unrealistic expectations on both sides!

StillWantingADog · 23/10/2023 08:30

In terms of “encouraging quieter voices” this obviously needs to be all the time he is in a house not just when he visits others. But as others said “engaging with adult conversation” is unrealistic at age 3.

June628 · 23/10/2023 08:30

YANBU. Visit less.

TheSandgroper · 23/10/2023 08:30

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia This is always true but as the OP has a son, I replied to her.

SmileyClare · 23/10/2023 08:31

I definitely think you can be more proactive as parents.

Try a couple of board games or craft activities/ books that the 9 and 12 year old might join in with too?

Suggest a local park or similar- the other dc or adults might join you?

Engage with your son more and distract him with toys or books. At his age he should be able to follow some simple rules for gran and grandads house.

Basilton · 23/10/2023 08:39

No it isn’t reasonable to expect a 3 year old to sit down and engage with adult conversations, of course not. But that does not mean you should ballot any behaviour to go unchecked. Of course you should be telling him to pipe down when he is shouting and screaming, your relatives shouldn’t have to do it.

Spendonsend · 23/10/2023 08:44

I think people with older children forget how short a 3 year olds attention span is and how 'busy' they are. Moving around the place and chattering.

I am tending towards DH going without you as entertaining 2 children in an environment that isnt welcoming is hard work. Of course you can do colouring and play games and stuff but you arent then seeing the relatives anyway. You are just facilitating the others viewing the children and having a peaceful meal.

plus, on the colouring front. I used to run a morning club for 4-6 year olds and some chidren will colour for an hour. Some for 2 minutes because it bores them senseless.

You will need to work on the indoor voice thing though.

Primproperpenny · 23/10/2023 08:47

Talk about setting the little guy up to fail!

assignedferretatbirth · 23/10/2023 08:50

UndercoverCop · 23/10/2023 01:00

I think there is quite a gap between sitting quietly and listening to adult conversation and running around someone else's house shouting.
If the older children don't want to play with him, you might need to, or take toys/activities that distract him.
I wouldn't allow my DS to run around shouting when we are visiting, tbh I wouldn't allow it at home other than maybe in the garden and even then shouting not necessary. Playing is fine, but that's not what you've described.

This.

LimePi · 23/10/2023 08:53

My god, judging by this thread, British GPs do look quite cold and distant. So sad

Escapetofrance · 23/10/2023 08:57

I wouldn’t keep visiting. He’ll soon grow up and be less noisy, but for now, keep your distance if they don’t understand that he’s just a young child.

DBinHK · 23/10/2023 09:02

LimePi · 23/10/2023 08:53

My god, judging by this thread, British GPs do look quite cold and distant. So sad

Best not to make sweeping generalisations based on a Mumsnet thread.

Eybyegum · 23/10/2023 09:02

When my dc were young both sets of GP had boxes of toys at their houses to keep dc entertained. I had a bag of toys, age appropriate jigsaws etc I took with us every time we visited too, and to anyone else’s house. We still needed to interact with the dc and their toys but could have conversations at the same time.

rrrrrreatt · 23/10/2023 09:07

I think the balance lies somewhere between both viewpoints. It’s unrealistic to expect a child that age to sit quietly & join in with adult conversation but it’s also unreasonable to expect everyone else to sit through constant loud noise when they may want to chat.

My brother had two VERY spirited boys and they used to run around screaming and shouting at my mums, it was very intense and meant you couldn’t talk or hear anyone else. I think him and his wife are just so used to the noise they didn’t realise how loud it is. Wearing them out before we went to mums seemed to help, it also meant less guilt if they had a bit of screen time.

supersop60 · 23/10/2023 09:14

Mariposista · 23/10/2023 01:05

Normal play noises - fine
Screaming and shouting - not fine.

I agree with this. It's a useful skill to know how to behave appropriately in different circumstances.

MrsRachelDanvers · 23/10/2023 09:15

There’s a world of difference between sitting quietly and being allowed to run around screaming. Can you take his favourite toys? Can you play a game with him or ask PIL to take him and show him the garden etc? But yes, at 3, I wouldn’t have expected them to sit like adults but definitely not to run around the house shouting.

SmileyClare · 23/10/2023 09:21

LimePi · 23/10/2023 08:53

My god, judging by this thread, British GPs do look quite cold and distant. So sad

You cant judge all gps by a snapshot.

They’ve told him to “shush”. That’s fine and not to be taken personally. It’s ok for other family members to reprimand a child in my view.

It’s odd that they expect him to “join in adult covvos” if they said that. Clearly he has no valid opinion on current news affairs or whatever the topic 😂

Perhaps they just mean they expect him to engage and listen to them if they speak with him rather than run about being boisterous. I’ve no idea what “boisterous” actually translates as?

I would tell my 3 year old off for boisterous behaviour at family gatherings.

Its a mistake to think your 3 year old must always be centre of attention and allowed to do as they please. A bit like parents who let their 3+ year olds run about shouting in restaurants because they think it’s adorable.

At that age (Special needs excepted) they can understand there are some rules about what they can and can’t do.

PinkLemons99 · 23/10/2023 09:22

Is he loud and boisterous at home? Some kids are naturally more exuberant than others and need more attention from adults to keep them focused on a quieter sort of activity. Leaving them alone to colour in pictures isn’t going to work as they need input from adults.

My youngest has dyspraxia and wasn’t interested in colouring in but we could play with toy cars and dolls and let them use their imagination to make up stories using the toys.

amusedbush · 23/10/2023 09:22

My neighbours have a grandson around 4/5 who visits maybe once a fortnight and it's hard to believe so much noise can come out of such a small person. He shouts constantly and even though our house has pretty thick walls (we never hear any day-to-day noise from anyone), we hear hours of BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM as he thunders up and down the stairs. Sometimes they send him outside to run around the block and the amount of noise he can make running on the pavement is incredible - it genuinely sounds like the kid is wearing flippers.

I agree that there is a middle ground. A 3.5yo is never going to sit in silence all afternoon but I sometimes wonder if parents can become desensitised to how loud young children can be, simply because they live with it every day.

Luana1 · 23/10/2023 09:28

Sounds like there is quite an age gap between your DC and their cousins. As such I guess your in-laws are feeling much older than they did when your nieces were young, and I suppose they might feel like they have 'done' having young grandchildren and are more comfortable in the older kid phase. Not really fair on your kids, but I think this is quite normal, it certainly happened in my family.

On the other hand, while it is unreasonable for them to expect your son to sit down with the adults, at 3.5 he doesn't need to run around the house being boisterous and shouting, there must be a happy medium where you wear him out at a park or at home before visiting..

Greenberg2 · 23/10/2023 09:36

Kokeshi123 · 23/10/2023 05:43

But you are very unreasonable to expect your in laws to be entertaining him.

The thing is, though, if they don't want to interact with him at all, what's the point of bringing him? Most grandparents kinda, you know, WANT to play with their grandchildren.

Absolutely. I'd love to have grandchildren to play with. It would be so different from having to look after children 24/7 which is wearing. I'd also think it would be giving the parents a bit of a break. Surely that's the point of families, so everyone helps out a bit.

As a PP suggested, could you visit when DS and her perfect DDs aren't around? Would they engage more with your son?

milkywinterdisorder · 23/10/2023 09:42

Kokeshi123 · 23/10/2023 05:43

But you are very unreasonable to expect your in laws to be entertaining him.

The thing is, though, if they don't want to interact with him at all, what's the point of bringing him? Most grandparents kinda, you know, WANT to play with their grandchildren.

Not all alas. When my DH’s family meet up there is some brief acknowledgement of our kids then it’s time for the adults to have an Intellectual Discussion.

I am in a not-dissimilar situation OP (though my kids have always been a bit more quiet and sedentary by nature). Basically, my job is to manage our kids during any part of the occasion when they are expected/permitted to join in, then take them off outside/to another room the rest of the time (I always bring a huge stash of stuff for them to play with).

I too wonder what the point of this is, since the three of us could just be doing the same thing at home, but it is what it is I suppose!

nearlyemptynes · 23/10/2023 09:46

This is the difference between parents of girls and boys. I have 2 boys, now 21 and 18 and a girl, now 15. I can remember taking my toddler daughter to the doctors and people looking at me in the waiting room like i was the perfect parent as she chatted with me and stayed by me. The same people who judged me when my energy filled toddler boys wouldn't sit still. One has just graduated from Cambridge the other has just started an apprenticeship, my girl is lovely but at 15 can have an evil tongue. You will get your own back when their perfect girls are teenagers.

Everydayiscake · 23/10/2023 09:52

He is 3 he isn’t going to sit and have a chat like an adult. If he is anxious he may go the other way and become loud once he has warmed up. Do you take him things to do? Or could you break it up with a park visit. Or they come to you? I would be annoyed with their lack of understanding tbh. If they can meet you in the middle it will help.

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