To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

[Boymumgettingby]

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout

Well, I think your in-laws are half right🙄

It really isn't acceptable for your son to be running around their house shouting. And if everyone (except for you and your husband) are shushing him then it sounds like he's being loud and obnoxious. That's annoying.

But it's unreasonable for them to expect a 3-1/2 year old to spend an entire visit sitting and joining in adult conversation. The poor kid!

Bring some activities for him and take turns playing with him and having him entertain himself (for a short period of time). If he's got energy to burn then go for a walk or play outside for a bit.

This, there is what I think as normal kid noise but this sounds louder and running around is not on sure outside as part of a normal game fine

A family member of mine is fond of saying that “The ideal time to start teaching volume control is when they start talking.” And she’s right! Modeling appropriate volume in different situations is part of both teaching them to talk and socialization. A 3.5 year old screeching and shouting over adults having a conversation indoors definitely needs work in that area.

And of course they’re not expecting him to “join in adult conversation.” I read that as OP exaggerating their complaint because she disagrees with it.

I had a naturally busy toddler OP so I know how hard it is when they get so worked up and excited at he fact that there are bigger kids there. But it isn't okay in some situations for him to be charging about the house shouting because let's face it, when we are all talking it's annoying. I expect you mean typical three year old play really. He needs to be able to move about and for people to acknowledge and play with him. I talk to and play with my three year old niece she is ace .

Theres nothing worse than an attention seeking child running around and screaming when you just want a bit of adult conversation.

I agree about you bringing toys from home, I think that his cousins would be more likely to join in and play with him.
I mean what child can resist toys. Especially if it’s like Lego or puzzles that they can all do together.

Then you’ve solved two problems in one go.

1. Lo is occupied.

2. getting attention from his cousins that he loves.

There's a middle ground to be had.

He shouldn't be running around shouting. That's bad behaviour. If he was at nursery he'd be at an age where he'd be expected to sit on a mat, wait for his turn, let others speak etc in-between periods of play and high activity.

Likewise he's hardly going to sit down with a cup of tea and share thoughts on the Middle East for an hour.

Bring some toys he only plays with at his grandparents, or you his parents take him outside to run, or read him a book or something. Keep the visits short. Take him to the playground before or after.

I'd be annoyed if I couldn't host a family gathering without a 3 year old running around shouting while his parents acted like it was inevitable.

This would really piss me off (I have a 3 year old too), and I would just visit less! I’d avoid going when SIL and golden grandchildren are there too. Thankfully when family see my child they engage with him and if he’s being shut noisy we get him to calm down and give him jobs to do, go on a nature walk etc. Your in laws sound really dull and boring!

My great grandfather complained to my mum and nan (his daughter) about the amount of noise me and my sister (4 and 1 at the time) always made. My mum and nan found a simple solution and none of us ever saw him again. I hope your in-laws don't end up in a similar situation.

What are you and your husband doing during these visits? It's unrealistic to expect your DS at 3 to sit quietly in a non-child friendly house so you need to engage with him and entertain him while you're there. Personally, I'd stay for the meal and then take him out somewhere afterwards. I'd also try to visit a bit less as the whole thing sounds like a lot of hassle.

I'm guessing he's going to be in school within a year. He needs to be learning now what behaviour is appropriate for different environments.

There's a lot of levels between adult chat and running around being loud, but you need to guide him, set boundaries and provide him with the tools for the middle ground. Lego, colouring, books and toy cars would be ideal for family visits. Set him up a play area in the corner of a room and engage in quiet play with him, role model what level of activity and volume are appropriate when others are talking nearby.

I also have a 3.5 yr old and when it gets too much I watch for the signs and take them outside to the garden for a run around or out for a walk or playground visit with bike or scooter.

This is completely fixable if you start providing some clear expectations and discipline.

Indoor and outdoor voices

@Boymumgettingby
Agree he shouldn’t have to sit and talk but there is a range of behaviour and running and shouting in other peoples houses is on the side of too much. Can he be encouraged to sit and play with toys?

can you suggest a 30 minutes in the garden or a local park after the meal? Or a game of snap, dobble etc before asking them to sit and play quietly or watch telly while the grown ups talk?

1. He is three years old.
2. He is a boy. Boys need to run and move for behavioural regulation.

Visit by all means but include regular times where a parent and a grandparent, hopefully, gets him outside to burn off the energy. Then bring him inside to eat, drink and interact appropriately for a while. Then outside again.

Model good behaviour, prepare properly and expect good behaviour, hopefully develop relationships with the rest of the family (but they have to do their part, too) and wait for him to grow a bit more.

If you are doing the right things and the family whinge to you, stick up for your son.

Agree.

I think both sides have a point here.

• It's not reasonable to expect a 3yo to sit quietly for hours while adults are talking. I think grandparents can forget what it's like and that small children do make noise and disrupt things.
• OTOH it's not ok for him to be running around shouting inside- there's surely a compromise to be had? IME it's normal at someone else's house for one parent to be engaged with the child all the time while the other joins in adult conversation, and then swap over- it's a much more hands-on approach than you might have at home where you can determine for yourself how much noise you're happy with (and can be sure your child is in a safe environment, which you can't away from home).

You have my sympathy as it's hard work looking after a 3yo at someone else's house but it does sound as if you and/or your DH need to be a lot more hands-on (and I don't mean just telling your son to be quiet but actively parenting, playing with him, taking him out for a walk etc so that things don't get out of hand). Your in-laws also need to accept that they won't have your and your DH's 100% attention all the time. It's only for a few years though. You can also suggest meeting up in places that suit your son better eg going to the park or for a walk together.

Ah it is sad, obviously they’re at the next age step where they want to be in on the adult stuff but it is hard, I remember bringing the kids to one relatives house and them being told to sit at the table and chat nicely. They weren’t allowed into the sitting room and the dog was in the garden. Any time their voices raised a little they were asked to keep it down and at one stage we realised they were just sitting saying nothing and staring ahead. We made an excuse to get out of there

Of course it’s unreasonable to expect a child of three and a half to sit quietly for the entire visit to grandparents. I would hate anybody to be shushing my dc and would make sure they never had reason to do that again.
But you are very unreasonable to expect your in laws to be entertaining him. You and your DH should be tag teaming to engage properly with him to keep playing happily or to take him out for a little walk around or a play in the garden or read to him in a different room.
Take some toys and books with you. Keep the visit short. Don’t expect him to be able to entertain himself and don’t expect others to do it. It’s your job.
If they show little interest in him, I would certainly think twice about taking him.

I'm guessing he's going to be in school within a year. He needs to be learning now what behaviour is appropriate for different environments.
Personally I think sitting quietly at a relative that has children’s table is sad, as children the highlight of our year was going to play with cousins, if the children don’t want to play the other adults should want to engage properly with a 3/4 year old for at least some of the time then hand them something like colouring stuff/ set up the tv for them etc

This also pack board games, Orchard Toys are brilliant. Simple card games ? sticker books are great. An hour of quiet indoor time would be most 3yo's limit, but allowing him to run round inside isn't the answer.

But you are very unreasonable to expect your in laws to be entertaining him.

The thing is, though, if they don't want to interact with him at all, what's the point of bringing him? Most grandparents kinda, you know, WANT to play with their grandchildren.

That seems an extreme reaction on their part.

But perhaps your great grandfather was perfectly happy with the arrangement.

Agree re middle ground. Are you and your DH entertaining him? Taking toys over? I’d be explaining to DS he cannot run around screaming the whole time, of course that gets irritating when adults want to talk. I’d visit a bit less until kids are a bit older if the in-laws are finding young children irritating.

My in laws kept a few toys and my kids happily sat on the floor in part of the livingroom and played with them. Then if they got a bit restless somebody (me, husband, one of the in laws) took them out to the garden to run around and explore a bit. My FIL could be quite fierce but he did take them upstairs to get the toys down and chatted to them a bit (he has three sons of his own and eight grandchildren after all), but I also think my normally very boisterous son was on 'good behaviour' even at three.
No one expected my kids to sit politely without doing anything for a couple hours at that age.

You sound fun.

YABU from your thread title. You don't "let" your child do anything in someone else's house when they have expressed the wish for it not to happen. If they are all shushing him, no one wants this level of noise. Either visit less or get him to behave a bit better.