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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

305 replies

Boymumgettingby · 23/10/2023 00:30

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

OP posts:
Fatcat00 · 23/10/2023 06:39

dont think he should be joining in adult conversation anyway.. not appropriate. But yes if he is loud then he should be shushed and you sound precious.

ColleenDonaghy · 23/10/2023 06:44

"Indoor voices, walking feet" is a pretty standard rule in nurseries and preschools for this age group.

Chocolate23 · 23/10/2023 06:49

Tourmalines · 23/10/2023 01:52

Our 3 year old dgc comes around a lot . We have a great bond . We chat constantly and have great communication with her . But every now and again she may start running and shouting or more like screaming. So it’s not the attention she’s craving . It’s just fun for her . I definitely will tell her to stop . It’s ear wrenching and it’s not on . Who wants to listen to that ? You need to teach your son etiquette.

You bored her to death with your talk of etiquette.

Maray1967 · 23/10/2023 06:49

highlandcoo · 23/10/2023 01:12

Isn't there a middle ground here?

It would be an unusual three-year-old who would sit and join in adult conversation in my experience so I think your PILs are being unrealistic deluded here. However running round the house shouting doesn't need to be the alternative. He is old enough to start to learn that there are places where that's not appropriate, his grandparents' house being one of them.

It's normal for children this age not to be able to sit still for long periods and he's doing well to sit quietly through a meal. Afterwards, why don't you or your husband get him out in the garden or local park for half an hour to burn off some energy, then get the Lego or train set or similar set out and you can play with him quietly in the same room while still being part of the family get-together. Nobody should be getting cross with him but it's really up to you to manage the situation.

This. He should sit at the table and eat nicely and then say thank you for his meal and one of you gets down with him and plays with him without him shouting and running around.

We did encounter some unrealistic expectations about ours sitting for ages at the table after the meal, but there is a happy medium. Best do the running around outside before the meal then make sure he has Lego etc to do afterwards.

Jasmine876 · 23/10/2023 06:52

They can’t expect him to sit through adult conversation. He shouldn’t be running wild but he should be able to play. I just wouldn’t visit them at all. If they want to see their grandchildren then they can visit them at your house where he can he play as he wishes.

WeWereInParis · 23/10/2023 06:56

I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention

Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him

I think at their house, if he's running around shouting because he wants attention, you should be engaging with him.

I wouldn't let my 4 year old run around shouting inside, but I don't expect her to sit quietly and talk to the adults either. If her grandparents wanted her to do that, we'd probably just end up visiting less so I don't think you're wrong about their expectations being unreasonable there. I do think you're wrong about the running and yelling.

DuploTrain · 23/10/2023 06:57

I would expect you to take toys/activities, and you or DH should play with him while the others talk.

It’s quite sad that his grandparents aren’t interested in playing or engaging with him though. He shouldn’t be expected to just sit quietly with nothing to do and listen to the grown ups.

However just running around shouting isn’t acceptable either.

AhBiscuits · 23/10/2023 06:59

I shush my children if they run around and shout in the house and I certainly wouldn't tolerate it in someone else's house. Playing doesn't need to involve shouting.

RosesAndHellebores · 23/10/2023 07:00

I imagine they are shushing because you and your DH aren't parenting. He shouldn't be running around screaming. You and his father need to engage him and stop the rowdiness which is inappropriate. SIL's boy at 3 did exactly what your son does, and broke things. He did it because she let him and set no boundaries.

OneLittleFinger · 23/10/2023 07:01

I wouldn't be impressed with my 3.5yo if she behaved like that and would how others would shush her if she want listening to me.

DutchCowgirl · 23/10/2023 07:02

I have 2 boys who enjoyed family visits when they were younger. In summer my kids would take a ball or their scooters and we would all walk together to the nearest playground and have some fun.
Don’t the grandparents want to engage with their grandchild?

How old are the nieces? Do they really enjoy the situation or do they look bored? Can’t you asked them to accompany your son to a playground nearby?
My eldest son often does this with his 2 younger nieces.

BusyMum47 · 23/10/2023 07:03

highlandcoo · 23/10/2023 01:12

Isn't there a middle ground here?

It would be an unusual three-year-old who would sit and join in adult conversation in my experience so I think your PILs are being unrealistic deluded here. However running round the house shouting doesn't need to be the alternative. He is old enough to start to learn that there are places where that's not appropriate, his grandparents' house being one of them.

It's normal for children this age not to be able to sit still for long periods and he's doing well to sit quietly through a meal. Afterwards, why don't you or your husband get him out in the garden or local park for half an hour to burn off some energy, then get the Lego or train set or similar set out and you can play with him quietly in the same room while still being part of the family get-together. Nobody should be getting cross with him but it's really up to you to manage the situation.

This! ⬆️

Everyone needs to be realistic about the expectations of a 3yr old BUT you need to think ahead & manage his boredom &/or play with him yourselves.

IncompleteSenten · 23/10/2023 07:04

Assuming you are not actually ignoring your toddler and are in fact adequately parenting them, I'd stop taking them and say that you feel the noise a toddler makes is clearly too much for them and it's unrealistic to expect a three year old to not behave like a three year old, starting to affect his relationship with them and perhaps it's best to try again in few years when the children are able to sit quietly.

LylaLee · 23/10/2023 07:07

TheSandgroper · 23/10/2023 04:26

  1. He is three years old.
  2. He is a boy. Boys need to run and move for behavioural regulation.

Visit by all means but include regular times where a parent and a grandparent, hopefully, gets him outside to burn off the energy. Then bring him inside to eat, drink and interact appropriately for a while. Then outside again.

Model good behaviour, prepare properly and expect good behaviour, hopefully develop relationships with the rest of the family (but they have to do their part, too) and wait for him to grow a bit more.

If you are doing the right things and the family whinge to you, stick up for your son.

> boys need to move and run

Do you understand that this is socialisation? All children need it, but girls are criticized so heavily for this that they eventually stopped. And if it's not their parents criticizing, others certainly are, and they get the message.

Tourmalines · 23/10/2023 07:08

@Chocolate23 read the post properly, no one wants a screaming banshee.

Jifmicroliquid · 23/10/2023 07:13

I don’t think he should be engaging in adult conversation and sitting there bored, but I do think there are things you could be doing to stop him running around shouting and screaming. Do you take toys with you? Could you set something up on the floor for him where everyone is talking so he is occupied and people can play with him while still being involved in conversation? That’s what we do with the toddlers and young children in our family.

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 07:14

Running and shouting inside? Not on.
Outside for that.

Goldbar · 23/10/2023 07:14

All children need to move and run. Fgs don't start buying into the 'girls should sit quietly but boys can't be expected to' nonsense. It does incalculable harm to active girls. Some children are more active than others, yes, and this group may perhaps include more boys than girls, but all children are individuals and cannot neatly be categorised by gender.

BrimfulOfMash · 23/10/2023 07:16

At 3 children can learn to use their ‘indoor voice’ and not shout loudly.

Shouting and running isn’t like breathing, it doesn’t have to happen.

The shushing and ignoring isn’t nice, but maybe they would engage with him more if he is more socialised to focus on a game or toys. Do you take a few toys like duplo with you? Things that other people can play with him with?

I used to tell my Ds that shouting hurt my ears indoors so I couldn’t hear him. Ask him to use his indoor voice, demonstrate the level and refuse to engage unless he moderated his volume.

CurlewKate · 23/10/2023 07:17

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia "If the in-laws aren't prepared to engage with him, which I'll argue is the purpose of him visiting, then what's the point of him going there?"

Well, up to a point. There are 4 adults and two other children they want to engage with too! Take some toys, and if he gets restless and noisy it's time for someone to take him outside for a while.

Tessisme · 23/10/2023 07:18

Running around shouting indoors is definitely not acceptable, but he is probably very bored. When DS1 was that age, his grandparents wanted to see him, but didn't play with him. They just wanted the duty visit and after all the fussing when he arrived, they just got on with whatever they would normally do. DS would get bored if the adults were chatting and gradually got louder and would interrupt etc. It's not realistic to expect a 3yo to quietly entertain themselves, so either DP or I would usually have taken him off to play. We brought toys with us, so there was a combination of him sitting playing with toys and either DP or I taking him out into the garden or doing something else with him. It's not fair to expect a 3yo to sit quietly, but by the same token, too much shouting and running around indoors is very annoying.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 23/10/2023 07:18

What is the running and shouting? Random , because he is bored and wants attention? Or is he playing his own little game using his imagination?

What level are we talking about here? Zooming through the house ,crashing into things and people and screaming his head off randomly or "running around" and shouting "i'll get you" or whatever as part of a game?

Do they have any toys at their house? Do you bring any and play with him if no one else will?

Strictlymad · 23/10/2023 07:18

No he is not going to sit down and chat with adults at three. But running around and shouting is not appropriate or acceptable for indoors- especially someone else’s house (that may not be child friendly/safe- he may hurt himself/damage their possessions), and should not be so loud that the adults can’t have a normal conversation. He should stay in the same room as the adults and take some toys, jigsaws, books, colouring, a small set of figures etc. keep visits short, or pop outside with him for a run round half way through

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 07:19

Teach him quiet time, indoor voices etc. If he goes to nursery he’ll be familiar with that. If he can’t, you need to take him outside to let off some steam or keep visits short or meet them at the park .

BendingSpoons · 23/10/2023 07:25

I would first try playing with him and if he was still too noisy I would take my DS for a bike ride or trip to a local park or similar after eating. The in laws might feel this is rude but that's up to them.

We find things are a bit similar that in laws want us to visit with children but want to sit drinking coffee whilst the children chat to them. FIL was bothered on Saturday that DS (4.5) went straight to the toys they have instead of chatting with him. We obviously encourage them to chat for a bit and then let them go and play. However if they get too noisy and wild we distract them, as that becomes annoying for everyone.