To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

[Boymumgettingby]

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

How old are the older girls? Because they're not having adult conversation if they're still children Vs older teens. They're just talking to their grandchildren in an age appropriate way.

Adults can, and should be able to, talk with children without another child being allowed to run around wild and shouting.

There's a reasonable level of indoor noise from a 3.5 year old and they're not going to sit still for long periods of time, but if multiple people in the family are finding it too much and your response is to admit you don't know what to do, I suspect he's making quite a lot of noise.

Shouting is inappropriate indoors regardless of whose house it is

How old are the cousins? There are 10 years between my children and my brother’s children and my two play with the younger ones. I would be a bit peeved if my children ignored their cousins - they can still be part of the conversation if they play a quiet activity. Does your son do jigsaws or like drawing / colouring if doing it with someone else? It sounds like he could be making so much noise as that’s the only time he gets attention- even if it is negative.

I voted YABU as you seem to think the teen (or nearly teen) girls are responsible for his entertainment.

How long are the visits? Are they just too long for him?
How loud are we talking? Would you be happy with that loudness at home?
What are you doing when he is being disruptive?

Some adults don't want to spend hours interacting with other people's children. Even beloved grandchildren. And not every interaction has to revolve around a toddler.

You definitely shouldn't let your child shout and run around in other peoples houses. Take him outside if he can't be pleasant to be around. It would annoy me if I was trying to have a conversation and someone was shouting and running around. Being three doesn't give you a free pass to behave how you want, there are other people there.

Wow ridiculous! Could have posted
myself about my 5yo. My MIL and her husband have a tiny cottage and expect him to sit quietly but he’s a child, he gets bored, he wants to run around and make noise and make a mess! I feel so uncomfortable that we stopped visiting and they come here now so he can be free and be a child!!

Why are the only 2 options to sit in silence or run around shouting?

There’s a middle ground between not parenting him at all, which sounds like what’s happening here, and expecting him to be able to sit still and engage in conversations.

You need to take activities to occupy him and interact with him so that his play is appropriate. He can’t sit still and he doesn’t know what else to do which is why he’s running around screaming and shouting.

He's 3.5 It is unreasonable to expect him to sit and take part in conversation like a little adult.

Your husband's family clearly aren't keen on the toddler stage so visit them less. The cousins are no longer interested in playing with him, so he won't be losing out. No-one enjoys the visits at the moment so why put yourselves through it?

Tell your dh to go by himself.

Running around and shouting isn't acceptable but it's also unrealistic to expect a 3yo to just sit quietly with no entertainment.

If his cousins don't want to play with him then the onus is on you - bring him colouring books, stickers and some quiet games to play.

I don't think joining adult conversation js reasonable for anyone to expect of a 3.5 year old.

Equally I don't think running around and shouting is acceptable as a guest in someone's home, even a grandparents.

The place for that is the park.

Thanks for the replies. I agree there is a middle ground and we will try to encourage him to be quieter. But just to clarify, we do play with him the whole time he is there, we have a younger child too and take it in turns to be with each of them and join in conversation where we can. We also take him outside and for walks. The girls are 12 and 9. I don’t expect anyone to entertain him but it seems a shame to visit and not really have much time with any of them. Going forward we will encourage quieter voices and take some games which might work. Thanks

My MIL used to say that small children will make as much noise as they're allowed and they're no happier for it. I tend to agree!
It doesn't have to be sit in silence or run round shouting loudly. Ear-splitting noise from children inside is never OK. The older cousins may engage more with him if he's got games to play with and, if they don't, you and your DP should take him off to play.

Take some quiet activities to do, there's no reason why a child of 3 needs to shout continuously. Yes he's excited at first but settle him down and take turns to help him do activities like colouring, paper games etc (it's what we did before they invented iPads!) sorry no sympathy, he's loud because you are all ignoring him - who not take simple card or board games with you? The orchard games ones are good

Without being there it's hard to know exactly how loud he is but i suspect he is being very loud and you and your dh are allowing it. I don't think it's acceptable for him to be running around a house shouting and interrupting people. He will going to school in just over a year so this is a good time to start teaching him that behaviour is not acceptable. Personally I find it incredibly irritating when someone allows there child to constantly interrupt conversations. I am a mum of 3 and quite used to kids noises but there is a level of noise that is simply not acceptable. If he is wanting attention he needs to learn he can't demand it by shouting. Can you try bringing some quiet toys like building toys etc he will enjoy.

Extremely loud children are a recent plague on modern life. Shrieking, screaming, yelling and shouting, often encouraged by the besotted (deranged?)parents. Teach him to be less noisy for the benefit of everyone.

What 3.5 year old wants to sit and join in adult conversations ? They sound awful. I just wouldn’t go with him anymore.

Neither of my 2 were allowed to run and shout indoors. It's unacceptable behaviour - why can't you see that?

Take something like colouring that can occupy him and stop his bad behaviour.

Glad that you see there is a middle ground but hopefully your in laws also could, for example meeting you for a walk or something where he can use his energy before expecting him to play quietly. Little boys need to burn off their energy. And then also learn to play a bit more quietly.

When my children were young, my inlaws would give them Coca-Cola and too many sweets, despite my protests, so grandma and grandads peace was definitely shattered. My oldest son actually made the connection, when he was about 7, and said Coca-Cola makes my head feel as if its going to burst! We only visited once a fortnight, and didn't let them stay over until they were about 10.
How repressed must some 3 year olds feel, if they are only allowed to shout 'in an emergency' !

Sometimes older relatives can have an unrealistic attitude that sets visits up to fail because their expectations are not age appropriate and they either expect the child to behave self-sufficiently in an ideological way and the child gets bored and behaviour escalates, or the parent ends up continuously interacting with the child to manage their behaviour and renders the visit pointless anyway. Bonus points if the relative doesn't want the "mess" of toys being played with, and disapproves of screens. It's an excellent way to ensure that relative and child have no meaningful relationship.

Young children do need the means to be entertained and some interaction preferably spread acros the family or you may as well stay at home. Even better if the visit is planned with things like going to the park, playing in the garden with some accomodation to the child's needs, and then quieter, more grown up times are more likely to be sucessful.

I used to take mine to the park before seeing DM to burn off some energy, particularly as we had the travel in the car there that made our day longer and more stressful in the first place. She expected to me to maintain adult conversation as though the children didn't exist and expected them to be quietly seen and not heard. I've not taken them down to see her for years. There's no connection, no enjoyment, no point.

Girls also need to run and move. That's why @Tourmalines DGD(3) starts running around at intervals.

It's harmful to girls to promote the notion that only boys need to move. All children do, it's part of how they develop strength in growing bones.

What kind or running and shouting is it ? Is it part or a game or disruptive/destructive and attention seeking?

Is it actually running and shouting or just not walking and louder than a normal conversation level?

Hes probably not able to sit and join in conversations but neither should he be shouting and yelling

He needs to be taught to use his indoor voice and given lots of quiet activities to play with

If he can't manage the indoor voice, then don't take him to quieter places, until he can

Three year old joining adult conversation? That's unrealistic. It sounds like they're not interested in having children round.