To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

[Boymumgettingby]

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

Finally! Someone with a sensible reply, can't believe I had to scroll down so far before I found one!
To all you mums saying "model good behaviour", "shouting is unacceptable", "there's no need for that behaviour in someone elses home, or their own" and "he should be able to sit and play quietly" I feel for your kids!
He. Is. 3! Give the poor kid a break. Jesus wept. I was loud at that age, luckily I loved books so my mum would just give me a national geographic or similar and I would marvel at the pictures. My grandparents had toys for me to play with and engaged with me. I had an aunt who was of the similar type to you lot with the whole "children should be seen and not heard" mindset - I hated going there, myself and my sister and our cousins (aunts children) would vanish to the park until it got dark. Some of the tales they would tell us haunt me to this day! One day the weather was awful and we kids were only allowed to drink at the table, there were various other ridiculous rules but it would be too long to type, we asked if we could have cartoons on and the look she gave us was as if we had rubbed dog mess on her perfectly white plush carpet! So we and our cousins chatted instead, she repeatedly told us, me specifically more than my sister, to shush. My mum was getting more and more annoyed by the second. Finally she broke and told our aunt "just because you're happy to deprive your children of a normal childhood where they have to be mindful of every single second of their day, but my daughters get to actually BE children and I won't allow you to tell them to shush one more time when they're already talking at a very low volume.
I'll let you guess who's kids moved out the second they could! I'll let you guess who's kids rarely, less than once a year, see their mother.
Thats your future!

I can understand your dilemma. Why do you go to family events if they aren't for the entire family? A three year old needs time to have active play.

I think like most there is a middle ground here.
We definitely don't have a house where the young kids are the sole focus of the grandparents for every visit. They chat and play a bit with them but absolutely want to chat to their kids ( parents) as well and to be fair it's a visit for the parents with their parents as well.
Mine are a bit older now and I never remember finding them loud but now after a afternoon as my sisters house(my head feels like it is going to explode) I'm sure I just had a tolerance for it.
If by your own admission he is 'loud' then I expect he is very loud.
As suggested I'd talk about inside voice and bring some things that he can entertain himself for a bit as well. He shouldn't need constant playing with at that age really.

What a pity that his grandparents and aunts and uncles don't want to make the most of the opportunity to play with and get to know your lovely little boy. Of course he'll run around and shout if he's bored and ignored. I guess it's up to you and his dad to entertain him and others can join you if they wish.

@milkywinterdisorder indeed - but they have made it clear that playing with their grandson in a way that works for him or relating to him in an age appropriate way isn’t something they are interested in. I
wasn’t commenting on what it should be like but on the reality of OP’s situation.

Please don't visit as often your kids should be kids and enjoy their childhood without being told to be quite when they're at that stage heck my 9 year old and 4 year old are never quite they're loud kids and I love that I have had a few altercations with family members and strangers as long as my kids aren't in harms way /on the verge of harming someone I let them get it out their systems don't see how a 3.5 yr old would be expected tohave an adults conversation anyway do you

I think running and shouting are not really appropriate behaviour when visiting someone's house. I've always expected my kids at any age to not run in the house and to use inside voices. But wouldn't ever expect them to sit still or be silent! But if visiting relatives I'd probably take a jigsaw puzzle or some drawing things so they are occupied while adults catch up a bit.

I wouldn't expect a 3 year old to sit quietly and listen to adult conversation but, on the other hand, I wouldn't expect him or her to run around shouting all the time. Do you sometimes ask him to quieten down? If you speak to him nicely but firmly, would he listen?

I have noticed that some parents seem very reluctant to tell their children to sit down and quieten down even in public spaces. Excited chatter is, I think, fair enough but shouting and running riot is not acceptable.

As others have suggested, can you find a toy or activity that he particularly likes?

@samqueens Ahh that makes sense - sorry I misunderstood!! Totally agree with everything you’ve said.

(You’d think the parents of OP’s nieces might want to engage with him a bit though? It’s not like they’re running around after their own kids…)

@milkywinterdisorder sorry if I was being confusing! I’m a single parent and you learn pretty fast in that situation that most adults make kind noises but are NOT interested in actually playing with your children - or helping you to get any downtime. Most people (even family) would rather look on while you do ten things at once than actually get involved. Luckily not everyone is that way and it gives you a good radar for situations/people you can enjoy seeing with your kids and ones which are more effort than they are worth!

Visit less.

@samqueens I thought my in-laws were fairly unique in leaving me to entertain our kids on my own while the rest of the family basically carried on like we weren’t even there. I’m not sure whether this thread makes me feel better (at least I’m not alone) or worse (it’s sad that it happens to others too)!

I have a 3 year-old and I don't allow him to run around and be loud at anyone's house. That sounds like outdoor behaviour. If my little guy doesn't want to play quietly by himself. Either I or my husband will take him outside or to another room to play. I'm not sure how old the cousins are but most of my neices and nephews are more than happy to play with the little ones instead of hanging around the adults. Some of the adults even prefer to engage with the littles.

Yes it’s difficult to keep a 3 year old occupied when the adults ( or older children) are talking, but that doesn’t mean he gets to run around and shout. At 3 he is old enough to understand that is “not how we behave at Grandma’s house”. …. Or anywhere else, to be fair.
Take stuff to keep him occupied, don’t expect the others to entertain him, and if it’s getting too much, then it must be time to make your exit. If people are “shushing “ him, then he is obviously being too noisy!

No one expects a small child to be silent, but there’s a whole world of difference between “child noise” and “shouting”…there are children who can play happily, but there are those who think it’s acceptable to roar and scream ; fine in a play park outdoors, but is totally overwhelming indoors, and particularly for those who are not used to it.

This visits don’t seem to be working for anyone so maybe best to let them drop ? If you do go then your son needs someone to play with which is probably you or your husband. Something needs to change

He’s probably just a bit bored after having to be on his best behaviour through dinner. I’d just take him outside for a little walk or a little play and then have some toys / a big sticker book with you and play in another room let your husband speak to his parents while you and him drop in and out of the conversation. We used to have toys that we kept at in laws so that they were a novelty and kept my boys interested.

Could you visit when SIL & her family aren’t there? It seems pointless even going if you and your family are in separate room to everyone else.

when we all meet up my daughter (12) entertains her two cousins (3 & 6) the whole time…. They play, colour etc and she loves them… that’s what cousins are supposed to do!! I’m surprised your nieces want to sit and listen to the adults chat… how dull and boring! No doubt they’re on phones or something which seems to be the way preteens occupy their time these days and is really sad!

I agree with others, I would either not visit anymore, visit less, or make the visits much much shorter! If the subject is raised your husband needs to say that that no one engages with your family so it’s just pointless going too often/at all and it’s just too boring for the kids!

Maybe invite the GP’s to visit you at your place instead, and say it’s easier because the boys have toys at their house…. Maybe the GP’s will engage and mark more effort without SIL & her family being there.

You might not realise how loud and boisterous he is because you live with him and are use to it and they arent so they see it as worse than you do.

There is a huge difference between pottering about about chatting and running and shouting. I wouldn't have let mine run about and be loud. Chat, pinkle about and play yes but running and being loud i would be redirecting him to other toys and games.

If they dont want to interact and play with him though then i wouldn't bother going to be honest as there's just no point. If they are only interested in the others then i either would go when they have more time for him or just not bother at all.

But i dont think running around and being loud to the point everyone is shooshing him is exceptable even at 3.5. It's much easier to raise them knowing you need to have a quiet voice indoors from tiny than to try and get them to do it after they have been use to being loud because they wont want to stop.

when we all meet up my daughter (12) entertains her two cousins (3 & 6) the whole time…. They play, colour etc and she loves them… that’s what cousins are supposed to do!!

I can see both sides of this. My kids’ cousins on one side of the family get on really well with mine, and they always have a great time together. I think it’s good for kids to get to play with children of different ages - they all benefit at some level (I think there was some research done related to this, on why strict segregation by age groups at school during the pandemic was damaging).

On the other hand my kids have a very hard time playing with their cousin on the other side of the family as he insists on deciding what they play, how they play it, that he always wins and so on. I wouldn’t insist my kids played with him if they didn’t want to.

I suppose it depends on the personalities involved - it’s lovely when it works out, but you shouldn’t force it when it doesn’t.

OP, lots of people suggesting you meet up less/meet up separately, and I can see why as your situation clearly isn’t working as it is.

Here is a compromise that (kind of!) works for us: DH’s brother and sister live closer to their parents than we do so when we all go their house, they usually get there an hour or so before us. DH’s sister’s kids go to bed earlier than hours so her family tend to leave an hour or so earlier than we do.

It’s evolved by accident, but it means that DH’s sister’s family and ours both get some time with PIL on their own, plus some time with everyone together in the middle, so everyone (more or less) gets to spend some time with everyone else at some point.

I have adult children but when my youngest was that age he would be much like your son. I made visits to other people’s houses short unless they had boisterous children too, and if there was an occasion where we would need to sit down to eat or have adult conversations I would usually take turns with my husband to entertain him so he wasn’t disrupting the occasion for everyone. I was very aware that his behaviour at other people’s houses needed to be managed, at home and school/nursery was different and he could be himself. If the Grandparents aren’t happy with the behaviour then you need to keep your visits short and keep him occupied while he is there. Your in-laws have made their feelings clear, either respect them or stop visiting, there is nothing else you can do, it’s their home.

Middle ground.
No he can't sit still and join in adult conversations for hours.
But you can take things to help keep him occupied and less loud.
Colours and colouring in pad or paper.
A board game suitable for his age that people can join in with.
Toys he can play with.
Books to read with him.
iPad/games for when he's really fed up we only let ours on for an hour though.
We have a wild child and we have to take things to help curb her enthusiasm and energy levels. That being said kids are kids and to expect them to be silent and sit and join in adult conversations at that age is ridiculous.
Personally I'd visit less and if you do say he's young and isn't going to sit still and quiet for hours. Use the colouring in and toys and games etc to keep him occupied and hopefully he won't be as loud and running about as much.

Your idea of "acceptable loud" can be unbearable for most other people. My kids are not allowed to run around shouting in people's houses. Take him outside to run around if he's bored

I always found lots of stickers were useful at times like this. Different types and paper and maybe things to add stickers to.

Like I would draw a basket for a child to fill with sticker fruits.

Or draw a shop window and lots of stickers to place in window.

Or there are loads of sticker books around these days.

This tends to be a easy quiet activity and a 3 year old can actually do it by themselves a bit.

IO think the expectation for a 3.5 yr old to sit quietly for hours joining in adult conversation is ridiculous. But I also don't think running around shouting is ok either. Stickers and games are a reasonable expectation for him Good luck

Dear me, sounds like my in-laws (more so FIL) cold and strict household and that’s why we hardley go over now.

Kids can’t hardly move, neither could my husband when he was little, and I don’t know how you can expect a 3yo to sit and be silent the whole time, it’s giving me the whole “children shouldn’t speak unless they’re spoken to” vibe.

Surely family time is all about involving everyone in conversation including children, asking your grandchildren questions and showing an interest and laughing, making noise carrying on together. I wouldn’t bother 👎🏽 Xx