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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just got a 'save the date' for a 2026 wedding

224 replies

Elizawho36 · 22/10/2023 10:36

Basically as the title reads for one of my friends wedding. We are in our mid 30's and whilst I'll of course be there, I can't help but feel sending them this early is a tad ridiculous! I know she's excited but every convo is about the wedding and going venue searching and it all seems odd to be for a wedding nearly 3 years away Confused

Having said that I did get engaged to married in less than 12 months which I know isn't the norm.

YABU - she's just excited
YANBU - its way too early!

OP posts:
LoveBluey · 22/10/2023 20:09

There's nothing wrong planning ahead if she wants and also letting close family/friends know the date. But that could be done in person/by text rather than sending save the dates to everyone on the guest list.
It doesn't sound like this is a particularly close friend as you've said you wouldn't put other big plans on hold for the wedding (which is fine!)
The only time it's helpful to have this much notice is when it's a wedding you'd absolutely move mountains to be at.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 22/10/2023 20:55

@Maireas I’m not sure it’s following a trend, more that most people only plan one wedding so you look to people around you doing the same to work out what the “done” thing is in your circle.

So the bride in this story might have received similar save the dates from others and so she doesn’t think it’s an odd thing to do.

Maireas · 22/10/2023 20:58

Right. I just couldn't bear to plan anything that far ahead! Experience has taught me that things change. "The best laid plans of mice and men". But each to their own.

PAfsapfujasfp · 22/10/2023 21:06

TwoCoffeesPlease · 22/10/2023 20:55

@Maireas I’m not sure it’s following a trend, more that most people only plan one wedding so you look to people around you doing the same to work out what the “done” thing is in your circle.

So the bride in this story might have received similar save the dates from others and so she doesn’t think it’s an odd thing to do.

Well there's also the internet and wedding co-ordinators etc who are always happy to advise.
It looks like you sent out your save the dates 1.5 years in advance following one person - who may or may not have had the best judgement.

If loads and loads of people did that and you followed, fair enough. Perhaps this bride's friends and family plan holidays years in advance, or have so many weddings coming up that a date must be blocked far in advance. Great!

But otherwise the main issue here is the effectiveness. The point of a 'save the date' is to get people to, you know, actually save the date. By sending it too early you risk it getting binned - making it pointless.

The other thing is as so much changes you don't know whether you'll get an invite. What's the point in turning other things down for something so uncertain?

Maireas · 22/10/2023 21:40

Yes, those are my thoughts, @PAfsapfujasfp .
I can't think of any event you'd plan 3 years ahead?

Screamingabdabz · 22/10/2023 21:48

Sounds a bit bonkers to me. A lot of marriages don’t even last that long! I feel sorry for everyone who is going have to humour the bridezilla for 3 years - by the time it eventually arrives everyone will be thoroughly sick of the whole thing.

PAfsapfujasfp · 22/10/2023 22:00

Maireas · 22/10/2023 21:40

Yes, those are my thoughts, @PAfsapfujasfp .
I can't think of any event you'd plan 3 years ahead?

Haha the Olympic games maybe???
I mean, it's ok to 'plan' 3 years ahead. If you want a certain date and it's booked this year and the next, you might just have to do the year after. I started looking in January and quite a few venues said some summer dates were booked 2 years straight. Fair enough there are only 12 'summer' weekends a year and understandably and they get booked up quite quickly.

But I wouldn't be telling people to save the dates! Or boring them with 3 years of wedding chat.

To be honest if you are very detail oriented you 'could' take 3 years to plan a wedding. If you want certain themes, colours, DIY. I know people who have rented 'plain' venues and made them stunning, that's a lot of work! If you had crafty friends and discussed your projects this can definitely be included.

But the minutiae of venues, dress shopping, etc etc in extreme detail is probably a bit too much.

Maireas · 22/10/2023 22:29

The trouble is, all the weddings I've been to in the last ten years have ended in divorce (one before they even paid off the wedding loan), so I'm just a bit 🤔
Or maybe I'm the bad luck charm!

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 23/10/2023 19:18

But where do people "save" this date?! As someone who uses old school wall calendars and a filofax I don't have pages that go that far ahead 😂😂

She's clearly excited and wants to make sure people can be there, but personally I do find it bonkers when people spend longer planning a wedding than many marriages last! So much can change in that time.

Viburnam · 23/10/2023 19:22

Totally ridiculous. In three years we met, married and had two children also moved house twice. The other weddings we went to that year have ended in divorce. Your friend is a total control freak.

FTMum23 · 23/10/2023 19:35

I got engaged late 2016, venue booked late 2017 with a date of early 2020.
Everything was pretty much booked and deposits paid by end of 2018 and it was the best thing I did, I had 0 wedding stress in the months leading up because it was all done and sorted.

Let her enjoy planning as leisurely as she likes, even if everything is booked early there's still so much she'll get to enjoy nearer the time

Ilovecleaning · 23/10/2023 19:37

Live and let live. Let her carry on planning 3 years ahead. It wouldn’t matter to me one way or the other.

sqirrelfriends · 23/10/2023 19:49

seems a bit much to me, but then again if go back in time and elope if I could.

sqirrelfriends · 23/10/2023 19:50

I will also say that that last person I knew who planned a wedding 3 years in advance never got married. Thank god they chose a long engagement.

RedRobyn2021 · 23/10/2023 19:53

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 23/10/2023 19:18

But where do people "save" this date?! As someone who uses old school wall calendars and a filofax I don't have pages that go that far ahead 😂😂

She's clearly excited and wants to make sure people can be there, but personally I do find it bonkers when people spend longer planning a wedding than many marriages last! So much can change in that time.

I don't know about other phones, but if you have an iPhone you can put the date in your calendar and it will come up. Whenever you get a new phone all the info is transferred across just by sitting them next to one another.

RedRobyn2021 · 23/10/2023 19:54

I honestly don't understand how anyone could wait that long once they've made their minds up

RedRobyn2021 · 23/10/2023 19:54

Like the whole point of getting married is the marriage

givemeasunnyday · 23/10/2023 19:55

YANBU - and I think the next three years are going to be very long for anyone who knows her!

Mind you, "save the date" wasn't a thing back when I got married - three months after we chose a date.

Annoyedrunner · 23/10/2023 19:59

Ahh I think you are being a but unreasonable - she’s excited about it and the whole point of a save the date is for people to get the date in diaries ! It’s not causing you any inconvenience is it

Also she probably would have told you the date once it was booked anyway, even just in conversation

Mummabee87 · 23/10/2023 22:44

I never sent out 'save the dates' as i think they are pointless, but we booked our wedding 2.5 years in advance. We werent lucky enough to have £10k just sat there or rich parents paying for it all and needed time to save ect. We had the mindset that we are only doing it once and wanted what we wanted. We didnt have an OTT wedding. I wanted a saturday summer wedding and dates were already booked up that far at our venue.
Our wedding got pushed back another year due to covid.
I had a dd after booking date and who was 2 by the time we got married.
So yes lots of things can happen, but every one has different circumstances.
I bought the 2nd dress i tried on, which was off the peg and gave me something to focus on to not put weight on over the time. The lady stored my dress free of charge, same with bridesmaid dresses. We didnt buy these untill about a year before the date.
We had time to add little extras and DIY things to add to the day. Had i planned it in 6 months/1 year it would not have been they day i wanted.
Most people i know are booking 2+ years in advance now so its pretty normal to me.
Let her enjoy the moment, excitment takes over, she will soon settle down

DangerousAlchemy · 23/10/2023 22:46

It's definitely crazy she's going to look at dresses this early! What if she puts on weight in the next 3 years? 🤣🤣 why the long engagement? I just don't get it

Missingpop · 23/10/2023 22:49

Bloody hell some couples marrying this year could be divorced by the time she sends out the main invite; hashes definitely a bit premature but if it’s all she’s yakking about now you’ll be at the end of your rope by this time next year….

DoughBallss · 23/10/2023 23:36

Im getting married in 2026 - venue is booked but I definitely will not be sending save the dates until the year before or beginning of the year.

People will forget!

LizzyLongbow · 23/10/2023 23:41

Utterly insane. The marriage will never last.

burntoutnurse · 24/10/2023 03:24

Is the venue booked?

We started planning our Sept 24 wedding in November 2022. Prices were much cheaper (venue alone we've saved £5k by booking early.

Also I had to speak to 5 photographers before I found one I liked with my date free. My save the dates went out about 15 months before because ALOT of my family and friends will be travelling from afar, invites will go out 7/8 months before for that reason!

Dresses can take 12-18 months to come in once you order.

3 years is a bit nuts thought. But maybe she's excited and will calm down

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