Just got a 'save the date' for a 2026 wedding

[Elizawho36]

Basically as the title reads for one of my friends wedding. We are in our mid 30's and whilst I'll of course be there, I can't help but feel sending them this early is a tad ridiculous! I know she's excited but every convo is about the wedding and going venue searching and it all seems odd to be for a wedding nearly 3 years away

Having said that I did get engaged to married in less than 12 months which I know isn't the norm.

YABU - she's just excited
YANBU - its way too early!

YANBU

We booked our wedding in 2021 for 2024, but didn’t send out save the dates until this year (about 12 months before the wedding) when family started asking because they were booking holidays. I also got my dress 18 months before the day. Let her be excited, there will be a lull for a couple of years soon!

I don't really understand long engagements. I get the booking venues up to about a year but I feel like beyond that it's quite a pressure to put on a relationship.

I do wonder if it contributes to many short marriages.

Like your friend it all becomes about the wedding almost like putting on a show rather than the relationship.

It makes it very hard to decide something isn't working or that you are growing apart. Of course this isn't the case for everyone but I think that it is often a something to paper over certain cracks where as if it truly just about being married you tend to just book and get on with it and the date or venue don't necessarily have to be 'perfect' because it is about making a commitment and those things are just the dressing.

It's also a bloody long time to delay family if you are already in your 30s and this is something you want.

I did get engaged to married in less than 12 months which I know isn't the norm.

It isn't far from the norm in my experience. Most people I know get engaged then married the next summer - so usually 12-18 months max depending on the time of year the engagement happens. To me that is what an engagement is, an announcement of a wedding next year. We did "engaged" to married in 6 weeks 🤣

I would just "file" the save the date, and probably try to avoid any wedding chat, until much nearer the time.

It wouldn't bother me. I'd be pleased to be invited

I wouldn't commit to anything that far ahead. Life happens.

Is it possible she wanted to get married earlier but the groom would only agree to get married then and she wanted to make it public to try and pin it down so he doesn't delay further?

Gosh! The honest reply is 'Congratulations! However I have no idea what life will look like in 3 years, and frankly neither do you.'

It is now your duty to introduce her to Mumsnet so we can all enjoy the inane drama she has lots of support as she prepares for her what are the odds of this actually happening big day.

Far to early. I wouldn't be confirming attendance at a wedding in 2026.

Because sending a save the date that early looks like an excuse to have a go at people who decline because they'd rather be doing something else!
Unless it was one of my 5 close friends or a family member no way would I 'save the date' that early. Besides, there's no guarantee of getting an invitation after that! As @WombatBombat it seems like a move to force attendance rather than being excited and wanting to get things moving.

And so much changes, people might have children, move jobs, countries, that make it infeasible to attend.

Smacks of insecurity to me. If people value you they will attend. Of course you can check the date with your nearest and dearest but you have no control over other people.

She’s excited and nothing wrong with that. 2026 is a while away but she obviously wants to make sure people get the date in now given they’ve booked it so that everyone can come who they want.

I booked the wedding ceremony venue itself 8 weeks in advance but had nothing else until a week before. Dress was bought two days before. It was quite fun doing it all super fast, my kids kept saying "it's a race against time!" like in "Me Too!" To be fair, I do organise things like this for my job (not wedding related but lots of planning, sorting, booking and organising and making sure it all works perfectly on the day) so it wasn't something that phased me particularly. It also wasn't a traditional style wedding so that probably helped: got married in an old registery office, reception in a small museum, food by a fantastic street food company. It worked though and we had a brilliant time with great food, free flowing booze and a right party.

This may have been because my friend had a two year wedding planning fandango and it was seriously the most boring thing by month 5 let alone month 23. It was all she could talk about and it drove me crazy.

We’ve done a long engagement for several reasons. Our venue is only open a limited amount each year and my job means I needed particular dates, which weren’t available earlier than 3 years time. Also we wanted to pay for the wedding in cash and it gave us time to save. We’ve already been together over a decade so no bother to us to wait longer, and we don’t want children so no rush there either. Our day is actually planned to be pretty simple but what we wanted, so we agreed to wait a long time to get that on a date that suits us.

We would have had to book 3 years ahead if we had wanted a summer wedding with the reception at the local venue big enough to accommodate dh's extended family. Waiting a couple of years was pretty standard amongst our friends in the 90s although I think there is more choice of venues these days/ people travel further. We actually got married out of season because we didn't want to wait that long but it was still 18 months.

She can spend as long as she likes organising it, nobody else needs to know anything about it for 2.5 years at least.

We organised our wedding and announced the engagement once everything was in place. People congratulated us and asked when the wedding was and we could say: xth of x month, at y. Just under six months after the announcement.

DS and DIL did similar last year.

Invitations out 6-8 weeks before the wedding. It's wrong to expect people to organise their lives around friends' weddings. If they can't come, they can't come. It's different for close family members and the wedding party.

So many people seem to want a wedding rather than a marriage.

This takes me back!

Work colleagues daughter...I'd never met her. In 2017, I get an engagement shoot Save the Date postcard from Olivia and Oliver in the post adressed to me and my entire family for a wedding over two years later in 2019...I'd never clapped eyes on them in my life. Told my Mum on the phone, "Isn't Olivia your work colleague's daughter?"

Work colleague says "Did you get the Save The Date?! Hope you can make it to the church as well as the night do! Sorry we can't invite you to the meal but we really want you there and we've made a note of the dietary requirements you and Dave have and the caterers said they'll have a seperate section for you!"

I'm thinking this is all a bit intense...

Work colleague and husband and Oliver and Olivia get into massive debt paying for this big ass wedding...working overtime, taking loans, borrowing from friends and our manager, default a few times on the mortgage, Oliver and Olivia move in with work colleague to save money for the wedding...which is ALL they can talk about. Obsessively. I still haven't met Olivia.

They realise in late 2018 they can't pay off the balance and have to postpone the wedding to...Easter 2020...

New photo shoot. New save the date
in the post.

They're really sad that the wedding stuff is on hold. So Olivia gets pregnant so the baby can be a ring bearer...

HUGE BABY SHOWER.

HUGE CHRISTENING.

More debt...work colleague now has Olivia, Oliver, two other adult children, her husband, several dogs and a baby grandson all living in a cramped 3 bed terrace.

I'm invited to the huge ass events for baby Oscar with all my family...I don't
know anyone there other than work colleague and other work colleagues. Most people there don't seem to know Olivia either... Never get a thank you for the gifts.

Covid.

Wedding postponed 3 times. 3 more Save the Dates...by this time work colleague and I have not worked together since 2019.

Finally wedding took place at the end of 2022. I'm recovering from serious illness and in a bad way so I attend the church ceremony and give a money gift but can't go to the evening event and I inform now former work colleague several months in advance. "But can't the rest of the family at least come?! It would mean the world to her!!!". The rest of the family do not know Olivia and I have spoken to her just once. I speak to her briefly on way out of church and am very complimentary and nice to her. Again never get a thank you for the money.

Work colleague never speaks to me again. She's never repaid the money owed to her mutual friends or our former manager.

Moral: 3+ years of wedding planning can make people crazy. Back away slowly now if you can...

You don't have to do you? I didn't think people were expected to reply to a save the date?

That's insane. DH and I got engaged and arranged a perfectly lovely wedding 5 months later. Why the delay?

Sounds very sensible to me. She has a date booked and wants certain people there. That means they can avoid booking hols etc if they prefer to go to the wedding. No need to RSVP as it's not an invitation.

YABU - It's just a save the date.

If guests are going to need time to save, then IMO it’s too expensive anyway. Most people - especially nowadays - have better uses for their money than someone else’s lavish wedding.

No one is going to save the date for 2026, who manages a diary that far ahead!

The card will gather dust for a bit then get chucked. it should no no earlier than 12 months in advance, max.

she may not even like the people she’s given the cards to in three years time!

If a potential guest eventually declines it will be because of a clashing invitation over which they have little or no influence, so save-the-date doesn't guarantee anything in that regard.

I presume she has actually found someone to marry. Or does her OLD profile contain something like: Must be free to marry on <2026 date>?

Seems a bit strange but as it’s a destination wedding it’s maybe to encourage people to save for going

Its not.